SCO Still Has Programmers On Its Payroll!
Fake News written by on Wednesday, September 22, 2004
SOMEWHERE IN UTAH -- In a shocking revelation, The SCO Group announced today that, contrary to conventional wisdom, the company still maintains a "thriving" software development division.
"Despite what you might hear on that IBM shill site [Groklaw], we have not shifted all of our workers over to the Legal and Public Relations departments," explained a spokesperson today. "Instead, we have retained two skilled programmers who are currently developing a new fair and balanced video game for SCO Unix that will allow players to step into our shoes and see things from our point of view."
The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has been able to obtain an alpha version of this game, code-named "David vs. Goliath." Since it requires SCO Unix, we had no choice but to obtain a copy from SCO (with bonus Linux license!) and run it under strict quarantine at our Remote Testing Facility in the Nevada desert to prevent any of our clean Linux machines from coming into contact with it.
After playing the game, it's obvious that "David vs. Goliath" is strictly a publicity gimmick. The objective is to lead the Small, Commendable Operation against the International Brotherhood of Malevolence in a lawsuit in which the pure, innocent SCO has been wronged at the hands of a monopolistic, evil IBM.
As the CEO, the player must hire lawyers, issue press releases, write letters to Congressmen, pull strings with friends and family in positions of power, care for a dwindling bank account, hold conference calls, ward off angry shareholders, and manage other tasks necessary to bring a successful end to the lawsuit while staying out of bankruptcy (and, we might add, jail).
The odds are stacked against you. Those Nazgul at IBM keep stalling in the hopes that you will burn through your cash reserves. They refuse to turn over the evidence that you need to pursue your case. They employ hundreds of lawyers who do nothing but write convoluted legal documents that sound good but distort the truth. They espouse an interpretation of copyright law that allows them to get away with murder. They conspire to create an astroturf campaign against you.
I must admit that I lost the game all three times I reluctantly played it. But of course, I didn't try very hard to win. During simulated oral arguments, I directed one of my lawyers to fall asleep in the middle of the hearing. The judge dismissed the case and the game ended with a score of 0 out of 1000.
On the plus side, the game -- even this alpha version -- features realistic, raytraced 3D graphics and a very sophisticated user interface that allows you to type commands like, "Hire MIT experts to perform code analysis proving that IBM is a thief" and "Contact friendly reporter at PHB Magazine and feed her a line about how we have a secret weapon we will deploy at the next court hearing."
When asked for comment, one of the 952 members of SCO's PR department said, "Groklaw won't give us equal time, so we have to resort to telling our story through this new video game. We can only hope that people will open their eyes to the truth and realize that IBM is the evildoer, not us. We're just trying to preserve our hard-earned intellectual property so we can feed our children."