Plain Text Vulnerability Found In Linux; Microsoft Celebrates
Fake News written by on Monday, October 18, 2004
REDMOND, WA -- After years of fighting security hole after security hole in its software, Microsoft finally had reason to celebrate this week. Research by Microsoft's Embrace and Extend Development Labs discovered a "cataclysmic" security breach that impacts almost every Linux distribution.
"I can't believe any major business would base their future on an amateurish operating system containing such a serious exploit," said a Microsoft employee while opening a bottle of champaigne to celebrate. "This is best news we've had all month... and I bet this is only the tip of the iceberg for Linux insecurity."
When pressed for details about this supposed exploit, a Microsoft spokesdroid was somewhat evasive. However, he finally relented and explained, "Under certain circumstances, if a Linux system encounters the hexadecimal ASCII string, '72 6D 20 2D 72 66 20 2F', then the kernel will attempt to delete every file from the hard drive... This behavior is unacceptable for a modern operating system and it is, I must add, something that does not affect any version of Windows."
After word of the discovery spread throughout the Microsoft campus, many employees started celebrating, with large quantities of adult beverages consumed. "Party time! Party time! We all knew Linux sucked, now we can prove it!" shouted one IIS developer after spraying his co-workers with bubbly.
As a result of the partying and resulting hangovers, work on Longhorn (also known internally as Windows MT) was pushed back for several days, putting the tentative release date at Q3 2008. "But this has been well worth it," said one project manager. "We needed something to celebrate. It's not every day you can find a way to cut off your competitor's air supply. This is the perfect ammunition for convincing Congress to outlaw open source software."
Research by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) indicates that Microsoft plans to unveil more Linux "exploits" in the coming weeks. "One employee just stumbled across a real doozy... During some situations, Linux is vulnerable to the plain text exploit, '6D 76 20 2F 73 62 69 6E 2F 69 6E 69 74 20 2F 73 62 69 6E 2F 62 69 6C 6C 72 75 6C 65 73', which can prevent the system from successfully rebooting," said an anonymous mole.
The SCO Group was quick to pounce on the news. Said one scofflaw, "This same problem affects SCO Unix, which just proves beyond any reasonable doubt that Linux contains our stolen code. Somebody needs to go to jail!"