Linux Makes It Easier To Outsource, Says Microsoft
Fake News written by on Wednesday, October 20, 2004
WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CLUELESSNESS -- In testimony before a hearing of the US Senate Committee On Sucking Up To Large Corporations, a Microsoft executive claimed that Linux and Unix-like systems make it easier to telecommute, ultimately leading to an increase in offshore outsourcing.
"What's good for Linux is bad for the American economy," said the company's Minister of Information. "This operating system, originally developed by European code-fascists, must be stopped..."
According to Microsoft, all of the flaws of Windows were intentionally designed to increase American job security. "Linux servers require far less babysitting than Windows machines, which makes it much easier to outsource system administration jobs to India. But since Windows requires constant physical supervision to prevent crashes, virus infections, spyware installations, and other problems, it demands much more manpower and is far less conducive to outsourcing. This spurs US job growth and increases tax revenue..."
The Microserf cited a recent survey by the Blartner Group which shows that "over 100,000 jobs have been lost in the United States because of Linux and open source software, costing the federal government precious income tax revenue that could be used to to feed nearly 63,500 disadvantaged children..."
"It is imperative that this movement by long-haired, liberal, anti-American pro-Marxist, tree-hugging Satan-worshippers be squelched. We propose that the Federal government reform copyright laws to prohibit any copyright holder from licensing software at no charge. People should not have a right to give stuff away as part of a fiendish plot to undermine the US economy and starve innocent children."
While the committee did not act on Microsoft's recommendation, the senators did seem moved by the testimony. "Those damn Eurocrats are at it again," said Sen. Fattecat (R-Washington). "And I don't have the statistics in front of me, but I'm sure 9 out of 10 terrorists prefer open sores software."
Sen. Ny Evefool (D-Florida) agreed, saying, "Think of all of the computer people that would become unemployed because of the increased efficiency brought about by Loonix... Leenix... whatever. This is just not fair. We need these jobs in order not to run off the 21st Century Information Superhighway and slam into a cybercliff... and won't somebody please think of the children?"