SCO Drinking Game
Fake News written by on Thursday, October 28, 2004
We're only days away from the much-anticipated launch of Prosco.net (Propaganda Reporting Organ for Sinister Corporate Officials), and the folks at Humorix World Headquarters simply can't wait another minute.
In order to pass the time -- and fill up space left vacant by a severe outbreak of writers' block -- we have compiled a drinking game to accompany SCO's upcoming reading material. Rest assured, the Humorix staff has already fully beta-tested this game.
TAKE ONE SIP OF YOUR FAVORITE ADULT BEVERAGE IF A PAGE ON THE PROSCO.NET SITE CLAIMS THAT...
...The obvious reason IBM refuses to comply with SCO's reasonable discovery requests is that IBM has something sinister to hide.
...SCO is actually very pro-open source and wishes it could help the community, but is unfortunately prevented from doing so by this pesky litigation business prompted by the evil IBM.
...Nine out of ten (terrorists|child molesters|serial killers| international spies) prefer Linux.
...The sheer interest in SCO's websites proves that most people are hungry for a balanced alternative to Groklaw.
...If SCO could get its message out through the fog of pro-Linux FUD, then most reasonable people would immediately jump at the chance to support their noble cause against the unscrupulous IBM monopoly.
...SCO is losing the Daimler-Chrysler case because of obscure legal technicalities, not because of infirmities in its case. Justice will prevail.
...IBM is using every dirty trick invented by lawyers to prevent this case from going to a jury. They are only interested in doing everything possible to get away with their (illegal code theft|contract violations|libelous statements) and to (obstruct justice|ruin the economy|crush small business|hurt the children).
...SCO has worked for over a quarter of a century to build its business one client at a time, and then all of sudden IBM swoops in and steals valuable intellectual property, slaps a Big Blue logo on it, and distributes it for free.
...Company officials and other members of the SCO family have been forced to purchase guns and undergo expensive self-defense classes to protect them from the juvenile death threats by members of the Linux mafia.
...The legal staff has compiled and turned in a massive mountain of evidence, but IBM refuses to even acknowledge that SCO has a case.
...Time and time again industry experts and observers have flocked to SCO's side, but the mindless lemmings of the open source world continue to put their hands over their ears and shout "I'm not listening!" Eventually, however, the truth will finally set them free.
...Contrary to the assertions by the clueless self-proclaimed experts on Groklaw, real industry experts hired by SCO have been able to pinpoint the precise lines of code in the Linux kernel -- 532,599 of them, to be exact -- that violate SCO's registered copyrights.
...Nobody ever got fired for choosing SCO.
...With over two million SCO Unix servers installed worldwide, the company obviously knows what it's doing.
...AutoZone's continued illegal use of Linux is costing SCO millions because it provides a role model to other companies that they can continue to get away with piracy.
...Many Linux users have quietly told SCO that they are worried about the increasing mental instability of open-source leaders and wish that this whole mess could be quickly and peacefully ended with a reasonable court settlement.
...SCO is prepared to do everything possible to prevent IBM from initiating a hostile takeover that would end the lawsuits and allow IBM to continue its plundering activities against other companies.
...One of SCO's goals during the trial is to pierce the corporate veil of IBM and find out exactly how the company has been able to conspire with Groklaw to publish so much propaganda.
...As a Utah company in a heavily devout Mormon area, SCO is working to uphold the principles of fairness, morality, and justice.
...While some people have criticized SCO for stalling during the case, the company needs the extra time to wade through all of the irrelevant junk in IBM's long-winded, content-free court filings.
...Very few Linux users are actually maliciously angry at SCO, but they get drowned out by the vocal few who simply refuse to accept the fact that their operating system is a sham that was crufted together from pieces of code stolen from companies like SCO that invested millions of dollars to develop them.
...Every first year law student knows that contracts are binding and cannot be broken, no matter how much IBM tries to weasel out of them.
...If Linux is developed primarily by hobbyists, how come so many enterprise-level features were added? Real hobbyists would not be concerned about such things, which is bulletproof evidence that Linux is filled with stolen code.
TAKE A LARGER DRINK IF A PROSCO.NET STORY CLAIMS THAT...
...Reports of SCOsource's demise have been greatly exaggerated. The company's accounting department simply cannot keep up with cashing all of the checks from clients who have voluntarily come forward to wash the blood from their hands and come clean about their use of stolen software.
...It is a documented fact that the moderators of Groklaw delete posts and engage in censorship because they are so insecure about their position.
...If SCO honestly thought another company like Novell still held the copyrights to Unix, they never would have invested so much time and energy in this case.
...SCO is not a litigation firm; it has always been in the Unix business. After all, the company owns the rights to Unix, so why shouldn't they market it aggressively?
...Linux distributions are violating the Sherman Anti-Trust Act by bundling gigabytes of free software that undermines the ability of competitors to make money developing their own proprietary Linux applications.
...SCO's Unix software would be the most advanced operating system on the planet if it wasn't for the unfair interference by Linux and IBM.
...Giving away software is a dangerous activity that will ultimately destroy the economy.
...SCO's top-notch development staff has released more products in the last year than at any time in the company's long and storied history. The ongoing litigation is merely a minor distraction for the core business of delivering value-added, paradigm-enhanced, mission-critical Unix systems for Intel hardware.
DRAIN THE REST OF YOUR GLASS AND THEN SOME IF PROSCO.NET CLAIMS THAT...
...The GNU GPL is clearly illegal because it violates the 57th Amendment of the US Constitution.
...Dozens of Congressmen have expressed support for SCO's interpretation of copyright law.
...Linux is the biggest joke in the history of computerdom; no sensible person can seriously believe that this unlicensed Unix rip-off imposter will succeed.
...SCO is backed by a thriving community that represents a silent majority that is immune to open-source groupthink.
...Linus Torvalds might seem like a nice fellow, but he is merely a figurehead for a 21st Century organized crime outfit that forces people at virtual gunpoint to sign a license agreement requiring them to forfeit all of their intellectual property rights.