Survey: Windows Users Prefer Crashes Over Exploits

Fake News written by James Baughn on Tuesday, November 9, 2004

from the ahh-the-joys-of-program-manager dept.

In a new survey sure to generate over 1,000 Slashdot comments, a majority of Windows users admitted that they pine for the "good old days" when the Blue Screen of Death was the greatest problem, not viruses, spyware, phishing, and security holes. The survey, conducted by Swag & Fudgers Polling Inc., suggests that many users would willingly downgrade to Windows 95 or even 3.1 if they could.

"I wish I had never joked about the bluescreen," said one survey participant. "Windows XP is now more stable, but that just means the bad guys have 24/7 access to my personal information and spare CPU cycles. Is this really progress? I want my Windows For Workgroups 3.11 back!"

According to the survey, 74% of participants rated recent Windows versions as "much less likely to crash for no good reason," but 85% agreed that "Windows XP security makes Swiss cheese look solid."

"I'm beginning to think that Windows 95 was the high-water mark for Microsoft innovation," said study author Dr. B. S. Swag. "Why can't we go back to 1995?"

"Back in my day, we used a crufty windowing system grafted on top of MS-DOS and WE LIKED IT!" ranted Mr. Curr Mudgeon, an old fart I found hanging out at the local coffee house during Senior Discount Day. "We didn't have to put up with any of this modern-day nonsense about firewalls, service packs, and mail programs that do everything except send mail."

The rant continued, "With Windows XP, you can't win. If you don't install SP2, then the only way to secure your computer is to unplug the Ethernet cable -- and the power cord, just to be safe. But if you do install SP2, then you have to pray to Murphy that all of your custom-developed applications won't suffer a spectacular meltdown."

Another coffee-gulping senior at the table chimed in quietly, "This is strictly off the record, but I was able to track down a vintage copy of Windows 3.11 on the black market. I installed it on my Celeron, and now it only takes 0.2 seconds to launch Windows... and Solitaire has never been more responsive! I feel sorry for all those poor schmucks still using Windows XP... but, hey, you've got to have good connections to obtain vintage software without getting in trouble with the Authoritarian Software Bullies."

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