Mobsters Enrolling In Law Schools By The Thousands

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, November 22, 2004

from the the-end-of-civilization-as-we-know-it dept.

In yet another sign that the Lawyerclysm is approaching, a large number of mobsters have decided to quit organized crime and instead pursue careers in patent law.

"Sure, organized crime is profitable, but patent lawyers make a lot more money -- and it's all legal," explained Johnny Isawnutten, a former loan shark that recently enrolled in law school. "And when was the last time a lawyer was found at the bottom of Lake Michigan wearing cement shoes?"

According to statistics compiled by the Federal Bureau of Tracking People Because We Can, nearly 3,000 former mobsters are in the process of earning law degrees. What is far more disturbing, however, is the fact that 1,523 of their friends have already been admitted to the bar.

"A lawyer armed with a briefcase can steal more money than ten thousand bookies combined," said Shiff T. Ayes of Chicago. "It's obvious that my father -- the founder of a very profitable protection racket -- picked the wrong line of work. For one thing, the 76 bullet holes he suffered last year were a direct result of his dubious career..."

Experts have mixed feelings about the trend. "The last thing we need is more lawyers," said a researcher for the Federal Commission For Micromanaging Everything. "Smugglers, bookies, money launderers, racketeers, hired goons, and other mobsters all play a role in the national economy. But most lawyers represent a black hole that harms commerce -- court settlements go in, but nothing comes out."

"For decades this country has tried every possible tactic to break up organized crime families," said one criminologist. "But is this really worth it? With this many additional lawyers running around, innocent people will be involved in hundreds of questionable lawsuits during their lifetime. I'd rather risk the occasional shootout than face a pile of 255 new subpoenas every day."

In possibly related news, the fledgling nation of Humorixia, that shining geek island paradise in the Pacific where lawyers are banned, has seen a massive surge of immigration.

"If we don't find a way to expand -- such as conquering a nearby island to become Humorixia 2.0 -- then we will have to start cracking down on illegal immigrants," announced Jon Splatz, Benevolent Dictator of Humorixia. "We don't want to turn people away, but we might have no choice."

He added, "According to the Holy Readme, we've reached the Tenth Stage of the Approaching Lawyerclysm, that cataclysmic future when every occupation is outlawed worldwide except for attorneys... Things aren't going to get any better soon unless every patent lawyer on the planet were to spontaneously combust tomorrow. And even that would only be a start."

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