Microsoft: Windows 2003 Outperforms Red Hat

Fake News written by James Baughn on Sunday, January 9, 2005

from the even-sombreros-can't-compete dept.

REDMOND, WA -- According to a "massive" study conducted by the impartial Microsoft Marketing Department, Windows 2003 servers outperform Red Hat Linux in every possible configuration.

"This was a real eye-opener," explained Microsoft spokesperson Harold Fudd. "There was simply no competition between the two. We can only conclude that people still clinging to the legacy, mediocre Linux platform have absolutely no clue."

At first glance, this sounds bad for Linux. But the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) did some digging and discovered the truth: Microsoft was not testing the Red Hat Linux® distribution. Instead, the benchmark was against an obscure 1999 port of Linux to red hats and other headwear.

"Well, duh!" explained Eric Fretime, the programmer behind the Linux For Hats project. "Fedoras, cowboy hats, even baseball caps all have very limited horsepower available for running software, usually only 0.00000001 Mhz. So just about anything would easily outperform them, even Microsoft crippleware. But the whole purpose behind Linux For Hats was... well, uh, I don't think it originally had a purpose. It was peer pressure, I guess... everybody else was porting Linux to exotic platforms..."

As part of Microsoft's "impartial" benchmarks, they took a fully-loaded quad Xeon server running Windows 2003 and pitted it against various Linux-enabled red hats, including fedoras, top-hats, baseball caps, and painted sombreros. In one test, it took only 0.00002 seconds for a particular spyware application to install itself on the Wintel box, while the Linux hat just sat there and refused to do anything.

"Since installing spyware is such a major component of the typical computer experience these days, this test will be hard to ignore," explained the head of Microsoft's Benchmarking Lab, Mr. Spind Oktor.

Later tests revealed much the same. "Linux on a red hat is absolutely worthless," the Microserf explained. "And this is just the beginning."

The Vast Spy Network has already received preliminary copies of additional Microsoft "studies" comparing Windows 2003 to such Linux distros as Seuss Linux (embedded in children's books), Linux For Calderas (outdated port of Linux to volcanic ashes), Slackware Linux (running on ropes and cables), and even Linux From Scratch (runs on a Beowulf cluster of bandages).

As expected, industry think tanks have already weighed in on the study. "We've been saying this all along -- Linux sucks," said Blort Blartner of the Blartner Group.

"It's bad enough that Linux is an infectious form of Communism," said Mia Shill with the Alexis de Some Guy Institute. "Now we learn that Linux is absolutely worthless for common, everyday tasks... Capitalism outperforms Communism, and Windows outperforms Linux. The conclusion is obvious."

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