DRM Failure Causes Studio To Lose Entire Movie Production
Fake News written by on Monday, January 17, 2005
HOLLYWOOD, CA -- If you were looking forward to the sequel of "Battlefield Earth", you'd better sit down for this. The entire movie production, including 95 hours of footage, was lost earlier this week in a catastrophic DRM (Draconian Restrictions Management) failure.
"It's all gone," said the president of B-Movie Studios. "We lost everything. All of our copies of the film have been rendered useless because we lost the primary DRM key and we no longer have any legal way to decrypt our own content."
Last year, the studio made headlines by becoming the first company to adopt the "BlindfoldVision®" encryption system to prevent employees and other hangers-on from leaking their movies before the release date.
"I tried to warn people about all of the bugs in the BlindfoldVision system," said an anonymous underling at the studio. "But nobody would listen to me. I'm sure we could probably develop a way to decrypt our own movie, but that would clearly violate the DMCA and could result in deportation to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean."
Don Revolta, the star of the movie, was relieved after hearing the news. "I only participated in this bomb because of contract obligations. Thank goodness for broken copy protection schemes! I never want this film to see the light of day..."
The studio has threatened to sue DracoSoft, the company peddling the BlindfoldVision system. However, a DracoSoft spokesweasel said, "Our software does not contain bugs! It says so right here in our glossy product brochure!"
After some prodding by this reporter, the spokesweasel finally admitted, "Okay, okay, it's possible that our solution contains an intermittent known issue... or twenty-three. However, our EULA clearly states that we are not legally responsible for any losses, even if we are technically responsible. So there!"
An anonymous employee at DracoSoft commented off the record, "We could easily find a way for the studio to recover their footage. However, that would provide an opening for pirates to get ahold of other assets protected by BlindfoldVision, such as the soon-to-be-released prequel to 'Ishtar'. And that would be bad."
The MPAA downplayed the severity of the situation. "This might seem like a failure for copy protection, but it is actually a clear demonstration that this technology really does work against pirates," said an MPAA lawyer with a straight face. "No longer will actors, directors, producers, gaffers, grips, and other movie industry employees need to fear going hungry because of evil pirates stealing their work."