Congress Sued For Producing Defective Products

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, February 7, 2005

from the do-we-celebrate-or-protest? dept.

WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CORRUPTION -- If companies can be sued over defective products, then so can the Federal government. That's the new legal theory used in a pair of lawsuits filed by two different groups against the US Congress.

The first lawsuit alleges that the CAN SPAM Act is part of a sinister conspiracy to secretly legalize spam while pretending to fight it. "This so-called law clearly demonstrates that Congress is the biggest organized crime racket in history," said an anti-spam advocate. "It is an example of false advertising, plain and simple."

But don't get too excited yet. A second lawsuit, filed by the IPHAA (Intellectual Property Hoarders Association of America), argues that the DMCA (Direct Money Capturing Act) has been a total disappointment for stopping online piracy. "We bought and paid for this legislation and it simply has not lived up to expectations," said an IPHAA lawyer. "It is an example of false advertising, plain and simple."

Sen. Fattecat (R-Washington) was quick to defend his Congressional colleagues. "The CAN SPAM Act does what the title suggests -- it says that spammer can spam. I don't understand why anybody would think that Congress has an obligation to outlaw spam, which would be a flagrant violation of free speech rights."

He added, "Meanwhile, I don't understand why Hollywood is upset either. They sent us a proposed draft of the DMCA, which we quickly rubberstamped and enacted into law without any changes. If they wanted to give the FBI the power to deport pirates to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, they should have said so in the original proposal. Of course, we would have demanded an additional $50 million in campaign contributions to cover our, uh, expenses. Whoops... I, er, shouldn't have said that."

Fattecat's defense, however, doesn't sit well with the IPHAA. Said the IPHAA's new Director of Public Relations (formerly the Vice President of Brainwashing Propaganda), "The law is fine, but it doesn't have any teeth. Congress simply refuses to provide the necessary funding to the FBI to go after these domestic terrorists that threaten our entire industry."

"As a result of this appalling situation, we have no choice but to issue our own subpoenas against 83-year-old grandmothers. This causes a downward spiral in public opinion, but people need to understand that just because somebody is 83 and deceased doesn't give them the right to break the law! Until the FBI has enough funding to fight the War on Piracy, then the DMCA must be considered defective..."

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