SCO's Hometown Declares State of Emergency

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, February 10, 2005

from the 100%-chance-of-chaos dept.

LINDON, UTAH -- The City of Lindon issued a disaster declaration today after the first tractor-trailer arrived delivering documents from IBM as part of the discovery process in the SCO case.

"Our town simply isn't large enough to support the mass of documents that IBM has been ordered to deliver," said a Lindon city official. "The trucks will destroy our roads, cause traffic gridlock, and create blight within a 20-block radius of the SCO World Headquarters Complex."

According to its calculations, IBM will need 2,952 truckloads to deliver all of the paper documents that SCO has requested. "This will be the largest fishing expedition in history," said an IBM spokesperson. "But we're happy to comply with the court's order. I can't wait to see the look on Darl McBride's face when he can't find his office under the predicted 6 to 10 feet of accumulated paperwork."

IBM has graciously decided to submit the rest of the discovery material on DVDs instead of paper. However, this will require another 1,640 truckloads, containing the complete source code to every interim version of every IBM program ever written.

"SCO even demanded all of our code from 1890 to 1960," the IBM spokesperson said with a wry grin. "We thought about delivering this software in its original punch-card form, but we figured even the court would find that absurd. So we decided to just scan the cards, including the hanging chads, and burn the uncompressed TIF images to DVDs. This will only produce another 42 truckloads instead of 2,623."

A team from the Federal Emergency Management Agency has been dispatched to Utah to monitor the unfolding crisis. "Federal grants will be made available to the city to repair all of the road damage caused by the incessant truck traffic," said a FEMA official. "If necessary, the White House will be asked to issue a Brown Alert, in which the National Guard will be dispatched to help stack documents and prevent oversized piles from collapsing and killing innocent bystanders."

Despite the severe damage that could result from this calamity, scientists are hopeful that a silver lining will emerge. Said one physicist at the Salt Lake Center For Dubious Research, "The sudden movement and concentration of all of this mass might have a measurable impact on the Earth's rotation. These gravitational measurements will provide the raw data for countless Ph.D. dissertations."

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