Hey Bill, You Got A License For That Reality Distortion Field?

Fake News written by James Baughn on Friday, February 11, 2005

from the apple-marketing-is-stranger-than-fiction dept.

SILLYCON VALLEY -- In a stunning development, Apple prophet Steve Jobs today filed a patent-infringement lawsuit against Bill Gates for improperly using his "Reality Distortion Field" in public.

"I invented and patented the RDF," Jobs said. "According to the US government, I own it for the next 12 years. If Gates wants to use the RDF to fool people into buying his pathetic excuse for an operating system, then he needs to obtain a patent license."

In the suit, Jobs alleges that Gates and other Microsoft figureheads have been using reality-distortion techniques "as part of numerous public events during the last year."

Just last week, Gates argued that "the fewer operating systems there are within a company, the better it is from a security point of view."

"This is a blatant application of a Reality Distortion Field," Jobs proclaimed. "Here Gates makes a statement that is the polar opposite of the truth, and yet delivers it in such a way that his audience will swallow it hook, line, and sinker. That's precisely the technique that I pioneered! Apple wouldn't be anything today without the cult following of fans that were made loyal after repeated exposures to my RDF."

But Jobs quickly added, "Apple has reached the point where we don't need to rely on distortions to convince people to buy our products. Instead, we just offer shiny colors along with iThis and eThat and cute handheld music players."

A Microsoft spokesdroid offered little comment on the pending litigation, saying only, "We will vigorously defend our right to innovate new forms of marketing and customer attitude management controls. We do not distort reality, we merely adjust it for the benefit of our valued customers and shareholders."

Research by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) (translation: three minutes of Googling) reveals that Steve Jobs has barely scratched the surface when it comes to Microsoft's illicit use of reality-distortion techniques. For instance, in 2001, one Microsoft manager said, "the recent security problems with Linux, coupled with the lack of key enterprise elements in the new kernel, really call into question whether Linux should be used at all."

Industry observers have mixed feelings about the lawsuit. "I hate patents as much as the next guy, but I can't feel too sorry for Microsoft," said one pundit. "They've earned this lawsuit."

However, an analyst for the Blartner Group explained, "There's loads of prior art in this field. Politicians have been distorting the truth for centuries. If anybody deserves to hold a patent on Reality Distortion Fields, it should be the White House."

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