Microsoft Trumpets Another Vulnerability In Linux

Fake News written by James Baughn on Saturday, February 19, 2005

from the hole-large-enough-to-drive-an-atom-through dept.

REDMOND, WA -- Spontaneous parties erupted throughout the Microsoft Campus today after word spread that a "severe" vulnerability had been discovered that affects almost every installation of Linux.

"This is major! It's the worst security hole that's ever been disclosed in the history of computer science," boasted a Microsoft employee during an impromptu keg party in Employee Recreation Management Center #52. "Party! Party! Party!"

Even though the celebrations will likely cause another delay in the release of Windows MT (also called Longhorn), Microsoft employees and executives were too ecstatic to care.

"Ahhh've been waitingk yearsh fer sthish!" said one inebriated Microserf. He added, "Yeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" before making another trip to the keg.

We tried to ask partygoers about the "vulnerability," but nobody could give a straight answer, or even a slurred answer. A member of the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) finally tracked down the Microsoft Competitor Extinguishment Lab, the source of the discovery.

"Oh, it's quite simple," explained Dr. Sherman Clayton, the senior researcher of the Extinguishment Lab. "Most Linux distros running on PC hardware are vulnerable to a certain keystroke combination... let's see, let me check my notes... ah yes, it's CONTROL, followed by ALT, and then DELETE. This is a glaring hole that reboots the system, resulting in a denial of service. Remember the vulnerability we found last year? This is much worse."

In a heroic display of poise, our Vast Spy Network member was able to continue the conversation without bursting into riotous laughter. "Very interesting," he said coolly. "What should Linux users do about this, uh, security threat?"

"They need to upgrade to Windows XP immediately," he responded with a straight face. "If the local Cubicle City is closed, then they should at least physically remove the DELETE key from their keyboard to temporarily prevent the attack. It might be possible to fix the problem by tinkering with config files from the command line, but who in their right mind wants to waste time with that? That's so 1981."

The Microserf added, "My department has also experimented with another possible attack vector involving sledgehammers and gravity. Preliminary results indicate that a Linux system can be successfully compromised by a well-placed blow by a hammer."

"I am very concerned about these vulnerabilities," he continued. "I'm concerned that I might have to pay higher taxes because my salary will shoot up after people start abandoning Linux and returning to Windows."

At this point the Humorix agent simply couldn't contain himself, and barely made it out of the building before bursting into uncontrollable laughter and rolling on the floor. Bystanders assumed he was just another drunk Microsoft employee caught up in the celebration.

"I better get hazardous-duty pay for this assignment," the agent demanded before collapsing from exhaustion.

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