Make Money Fast On The Lawsuit Futures Market

Fake News written by James Baughn on Saturday, March 5, 2005

from the who-needs-las-vegas-gambling? dept.

CHICAGO -- It's long been said that SCO is nothing more than a "publicly traded lawsuit." Thanks to the new Chicago Board of Lawsuit Trade, that isn't so far from the truth. Now investors and traders will be able to buy and sell shares in ongoing lawsuits, hoping for a massive payday.

"People have been investing in pork-belly futures for decades," said the co-founder of the CBOLT. "So why not litigation? There's a lot more money to be made from class-action lawsuits than from livestock."

Just one week into operations, shares of lawsuits in the Asbestos sector have risen 54%, while shares of Hot Coffee Spills have dropped 5% in response to the new Federal law limiting class-action lawsuits. The Software Patents sector briefly jumped 500% after word spread that Europe was ready to roll over and play dead for its American masters.

"This is much more fun than buying stock. After all, companies don't earn money, lawsuits do," explained one day trader as he placed a buy order for Vioxx Lawsuit #4921. "I can't believe somebody hasn't tried this sooner."

The founder of the Board of Lawsuit Trade, Mr. Rock E. Feller, explained how the process works. "When a lawsuit is launched, the plaintiff or defendant can register with us to hold an Initial Public Offering. The money raised from investors is then given to the company to cover their legal fees, in exchange for a portion of the future settlement or judgement. This makes it possible for investors to bypass the middle-men (CEOs, board of directors, employees, etc.) and go straight to the most important part of any modern business: the legal department."

Feller added, "This is all about the American Way. You don't have to be a Fortune 500 company, or even a Fortune 500,000 company, to have your lawsuit made available to investors on our exchange. Now even the smallest litigant can raise money for their legal crusade and fight for truth, justice, and the large payoff at the end that they deserve."

Even though the new exchange is still in its infancy, lawyers across the country are jumping for joy. "Publicly traded lawsuits will be the biggest revolution to hit the justice system since the invention of the subpoena," said attorney Travis T. Macher. "It will open the halls of justice to the masses."

Some observers, however, are worried that the new system could cause a tidal wave of new lawsuits that will clog the court system and take 500 years to reach a conclusion. "Buying shares in a lawsuit won't do you any good if a judgement isn't rendered until 2423," said an analyst with the Blartner Group. "If you think cases are slow now, just wait until it takes a whole forest to print out a court docket."

Rate this story

No votes cast

Share