Total Destruction Of Earth Blamed On Spammers

Fake News written by James Baughn on Sunday, March 6, 2005

from the kiss-your-uptime-stats-goodbye dept.

OUTER SPACE -- The [Unpronounceables], a race of super-intelligent aliens from the other end of the galaxy, has announced the total destruction of our solar system in order to make room for an interstellar prison. The decision was reached after scouting reports indicated that the Sol system only consists of lower lifeforms not protected by intergalactic law.

"After monitoring the primitive electromagnetic signals from the third planet, we quickly concluded that they can be safely exterminated," explained [Unpronounceable], the Chairthing of the Committee for Galactic Environmental Protection. "Their race is extremely volatile and shallow, constantly worrying about the size of their body parts and finding ways to make money fast."

In a report obtained by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), the [Unpronounceables] give a detailed account of what they learned about Earth. Some excerpts:

We had just arrived at Sol III. Even before we could establish a standard orbit, our scout ship's computer system started to get bombarded by unsolicited messages from the planet's communication network. It was hideous. Much of the material appeared to be gibberish, but our translation team finally deciphered some of the messages, only to be horrified by advertisements for highly dubious products and services.

...From every indication, the domanant bipedal lifeforms are so paranoid about increasing the size of some body parts while shrinking others that they don't have time for serious intellectual pursuits. Meanwhile, they are constantly dreaming up new ways to scam each other out of economic resources, either through vaporous transactions (what they call "pyramid schemes" or "hot stock tips"), by fooling others into revealing sensitive information ("phishing"), or by outright theft ("taxes").

We even received a shocking message from "Mrs Jane Mupesa, wife to Ndoga Mupesa of Chiweshe ward in Muzarabani, Mashonaland Central province" with a horrific story of the murder of her husband. She urgently needed our assistance to help her transfer "millions of dollars" to a secure location outside of her war-torn region...

We simply cannot believe that this pathetic race has been able to develop atomic energy and spaceflight. This case is clearly an anomoly that violates all know principles of planetary evolution...

In conclusion, there are no compelling arguments for preserving this planet. Despite our best efforts, we could find no reason to believe that Sol III won't devolve into insanity and anarchy within the near future. Unless we are completely misinterpreting their communcations, we are simply dumbfounded by their culture's ability to survive for more than 3 minutes...

The plan to obliterate the solar system should be implemented within the next month, although an activist group, People for the Ethical Treatment of Aliens, has launched an intergalactic petition drive to postpone the destruction.

"We don't care about the clueless bipeds," said a PETA spokesthing. "But we are concerned that some of the marine life, particularly 'dolphins' and 'whales', have the potential to develop an advanced civilization. We need to find a way to carefully relocate them to another planet, leaving the rest of the riff-raff behind to eat our ray-guns."

It's not immediately clear what method the aliens will use for the annihilation. The report does hint that subterfuge might be involved: "Since these lifeforms appear to be quite gullible -- we don't speak their language very well and even we can see through the Mrs. Mupesa scam -- we might be able to simply land in a spaceship and say, 'We come in peace.' They'll believe us... and then they won't know what hit them."

The White House, frantically trying to build and launch emergency spacecraft to carry VIPs to safety, was unavailable for comment at press time.

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