Industry Cracks Down On Illegal "File Sharing"

Fake News written by James Baughn on Wednesday, March 16, 2005

from the i-for-one-welcome-our-new-corporate-overlords dept.

File Sharing Is Theft. That's the slogan of the PPPAA (Paper Product Producers Association of America), a newly created consortium of timber companies, paper manufacturers, and office supply superstores. The mission of the organization is to clamp down on the unauthorized sharing, reuse, and recycling of office paper products, especially file folders.

"When unscrupulous businesses and employees reuse paper products, our industry loses billions of dollars in revenue each year," said Bug E. Whipps, CEO of a major Pacific Northwest paper mill. "Not only does it harm the American economy and hurt the children of our employees, but it's illegal."

Illegal? That last sentence caught this reporter by surprise. However, after consulting with Humorix's Official Lawyer, Mr. Noah Morals, we discovered that file sharing really is against the law, at least in 37 states.

Take, for instance, the constitution of the State of Utah. It states, "No person shall directly or indirectly interfere with the God-given right of a corporation to make money. Willful violators shall be punished by up to five years in prison and a fine not to exceed the cost of a private luxury jet for the victim company's CEO."

According to Mr. Morals, that clause outlaws file sharing, and just about everything else. "By using a product more than once, you are directly costing the manufacturer money by not buying the product again," he argued. "So if you share a file folder with a co-worker so that they don't have to get another one, you are a thief according to the laws of most states."

It's not immediately clear whether such laws have ever been enforced in this way, but the PPPAA wants that to change.

"Reduce, reuse, and recycle are the three words that are destroying the American economy," said the Vice President of PPPAA. "When people share products and refuse to buy new ones, they not only hurt our industry, but they deprive the government of valuable sales tax revenue necessary to save the children. This kind of child abuse must not be tolerated."

He also pointed out that file sharing can lead to serious health problems. "If you hand a folder to a co-worker for them to reuse, you are spreading potentially fatal germs and bacteria throughout the workplace. This would not be a problem, however, if you simply bought new products that have been shrinkwrapped for your protection. This isn't just about money, it's about the health of your co-workers and their children."

In an unrelated story, Bob Smith, the recent inventor of a lightbulb that never burns out, was found dead earlier today at his apartment in New Jersey. Investigators, however, quickly ruled out foul play, arguing that the 46 bullet holes in his chest was merely a "freak accident" and nothing more.

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