Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #36,712,380

Fake News written by James Baughn on Thursday, March 24, 2005

from the too-much-free-time dept.

We've always believed in Ballmer's Law: The number of possible Microsoft conspiracy theories doubles every 18 months. This time, the Humorix Vast Conspiracy Theory Research Division(tm) has uncovered the most sinister, diabolical, mind-twisting conspiracy theory in history... since last Monday.

"It's evil, pure evil," said Mennon Black, chief conspiriologist. "It all started in 1997 when Microsoft invested $250 million in Apple. Now, with the rising popularity of Mac OS X and the so-called 'iPod halo effect', the conspiracy is truly coming to fruition."

The theory works something like this:

1. Microsoft buys shares in Apple, providing a much-needed revenue boost, and allowing Apple to produce a superior operating system.

2. Mac OS X siphons off support from Linux and other Microsoft competitors, while encouraging unwanted "problem customers" to move away from Windows.

3. ???

4. Profit!!!

"Microsoft has always strugged with 'problem customers', those users that are constantly complaining about their systems but don't have the initiative to try something else," Black explained. "They have unrealistic expectations for Windows, such as believing that you should be able to connect to the Internet for more than five seconds without getting slammed by script kiddies."

"Clearly, these malcontents are a drain on Microsoft's profit margins. They are more likely to study the fine print of the EULAs and bitch about losing their Constitutional rights. However, by gently nudging these troublemakers into the direction of Apple, Microsoft can increase its profit margins by inserting even more questionable clauses into future EULAs without drawing attention. Meanwhile, since Microsoft owns a portion of Apple, the proceeds will still eventually reach Bill Gates' bank account."

The truly diabolical aspect of the plan, however, is the end-run against Linux. Even Linus Torvalds has succumbed to the siren song of Mac hardware.

"Open source is a looming threat against Microsoft's bend-over-and-enjoy-it policy of software licensing," ranted assistant conspiriologist N. Saine. "But Mac OS X represents a compromise, with just enough open source to keep the geeks happy, but just enough proprietary licensing to keep the lawyers and bean counters happy."

The next step in the conspiracy is not entirely clear, although our conspiracy theorists expect that it will involve wave after wave of killer patent lawsuits. "Once the dust settles, there will only be two remaining legal operating systems: Windows for the masses, and Mac OS X as the token opposition intended to pacify 'problem customers' while keeping them in line."

In related news, the Humorix Vast Conspiracy Theory Research Division is still feverishly working on the Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory of Everything (GUCTOE). "We thought we had it two years ago," Black said. "But we ran into a firewall. We've been able to successfully unite Elvis Sightings, JFK Assasination, The Illuminati, Microsoft, Jet Contrails, and Water Fluoridation, but we can't get a handle on Alien Abductions."

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