Congress Passes Ban On April Fool's Day
Fake News written by on Friday, April 1, 2005
WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CLUELESSNESS -- The Senate voted today in favor of the Increasing American Productivity To Help The Children Act (HB398069), which will criminalize the "plotting and/or execution of pranks, hoaxes, and other humor-related activities on the first of April."
The sponsor of the bill, Sen. Fattecat (R-Microsoft's Back Pocket), hopes that the measure will put an end to the "horrible waste of resources" that result from ill-conceived April Fool's Day jokes. During testimony last week in front of the Senate Committee For Sucking Up To Large Corporations, Bill Gates argued that "April Fool's Day jokes cost the American economy over $1.2 billion in lost productivity each year."
"Besides," he added, "These jokes make me look bad, and I hate that."
Representatives from the MPAA, RIAA, BSA, IPHAA, and various other enemy groups also spoke in favor of the bill. Said one vulture from the IPHAA, "The constant barrage of parodies against our esteemed organizations is simply sickening. The Founding Fathers would be appalled that their concept of 'free speech' was being perverted in this way. It's time to put a stop to the madness."
The Internal Revenue Service also championed the bill. "Every April 1st, millions of people send bogus tax returns, costing millions of dollars to sort through and reject. These frivolous returns would no longer pose a problem if April 1st was banned and these criminal pranksters put behind bars."
[Editor's Note: Why would anybody need to file a frivolous return? We all know Form 1040 is the biggest joke in Western civilization.]
After the Senate passed the bill, it was quickly discovered that the study Bill Gates cited about "$1.2 billion in lost productivity" was actually an April Fool's Day spoof that had propagated out of control. However, the Senate refused to reconsider its vote.
"We don't make mistakes. And we certainly don't admit mistakes," said Sen. Mia Shill (D-Hollywood's Back Pocket). "If we admitted a mistake, that could seriously compromise national security and harm the children."
Microsoft stock (Nasdaq: MSFT) rose 1.5% in response to the news, until investors discovered that the story was exclusively posted to an obscure website with the word "humor" in the domain name and was therefore... just as trustworthy as Forbes. The stock then climbed another 3.5% in late trading.
Eric Smith contributed to this report.