Registrygate Coverup Revealed
Fake News written by on Saturday, May 14, 2005
REDMOND, WA -- The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has just received word of the most shocking coverup by Microsoft to hit our radar since last week. An internal Microsoft memo, discovered taped to the inside of a Papa John's pizza box (double cheese, double pepperoni, and mushroom), reveals a truth that Linux-heads and other intelligent lifeforms have long suspected: The Windows Registry doesn't exist.
There is no organized, tiered, manageable representation of Windows' resources and environment. There is nothing -- absolutely nothing -- at the heart of Windows.
The memo in question reveals the ugly truth that Microsoft has kept hidden for over a decade. Late in 1994, during the "still alpha after all these years" phase of Windows 95 development, a clandestine operator identified only as the Tuxinator, who was at that time employed as a Rigged Demo Development Engineer Architect in the 32-Bits-or-Bust Bureau at Microsoft, planted a single insidious command into the Stamp-'Em-Out-o-matic CD burner that Redmond then used to produce all distributions of its nascent OS.
The details of that command, shocking though they are, make up only the shell of this plot. At its kernel is an even more appalling, and even more closely guarded, instruction set.
The command that made Windows what it is today, the memo reveals, is:
rm -f registry.txt 2 >> /dev/null
The even uglier (or more beautiful, depending on your point of view) truth? The Tuxinator, during his last full day of MicroSerfdom, executed this command on a 386 running Slackware 0.01. That, of course, is the secret that Microsoft doesn't want you to go to today -- that it used Linux as its development platform, and switched R&D to Windows only after the Tuxinator's inspired hack.
Which, when you think about it, explains a lot.