Apple + Intel = Microsoft Conspiracy Theory
Fake News written by on Thursday, June 9, 2005
HUMORIX WORLD HEADQUARTERS -- Shouting "I told you so!" and "The end is near!", staff members of the Humorix Vast Conspiracy Theory Research Division were shocked and appalled by the news that Apple is going to start shacking up with Intel.
The "Inpple" development fits perfectly with our Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #36,712,380, the most sinister conspiracy theory ever devised by Humorix that hasn't been discredited within five minutes. Ever since Microsoft invested $250 million in Apple in 1997, the company that wants you to "Think Different" has been thinking more and more along the same old lines as Microsoft.
"It's all fitting into place," said Mennon Black, head conspiriologist. "With Apple joining Intel, and Sun laying down arms against Microsoft, the vastly inferior Wintel world has just achieved total world domination. I knew this was going to happen."
It should come as no surprise that the unholy alliance of Apple's Reality Distortion Field and Intel's Stupid Four-Bar Jingle Inside will provide a win-win situation for Microsoft. For those brave souls that decide to try Mac OS X-86 Edition, they can always wipe the hard drive and install Windows if they don't like Apple's operating system.
Meanwhile, Microsoft can cut costs by getting rid of its "problem customers" that are always pestering tech support with their petty complaints about corrupted registries or spyware programs that distribute child porn. Now these customers will be shunted to Intel-based Macs, but they will still buy plenty of other Microsoft products that will be readily available for X-86.
Either way, Microsoft wins.
"That is why this conspiracy is so horrible, terrible," said Ere Rashunull, summer intern conspiriologist. "By pulling the strings on Apple, Intel, and Sun, Microsoft has created the perfect climate for maintaining its monopoly but without actually breaking anti-trust laws. After all, Apple will provide plenty of competition -- wink, wink."
And what about Linux and open source? "Well, on the plus side, Linux will likely run on the new Apple 86 platform just fine. But it will feel like an '86 vintage machine -- you won't be able to do anything interesting because of the crippleware DRM that will come standard with every new Intel Inside system."
Despite the sheer elegance of the conspiracy theory, not everybody believes it. In his current column, Robert X. Cringely Incarnation #57 writes, "There is no conspiracy. Apple still represents a viable competitor to Microsoft. Nothing to see here, move along."
Meanwhile, Cringely Incarnation #124 rants, "Those Linux long-haired hippie freaks will seize on any opportunity to bring out yet another long-haired hippie freaky conspiracy theory. Just because improbably events occur doesn't mean that somebody is attempting world conquest. The Red Sox won the World Series. Deep Throat's secret is no longer very deep. Slashdot went a whole day without posting a dupe. These things are not that big a deal."