SCO Unveils Latest Product Upgrade: IBM Lawsuit 4.0
Fake News written by on Tuesday, June 28, 2005
SOMEWHERE IN UTAH -- The SCO Group, everybody's favorite lawsuit-factory-disguised-as-a-software-vendor, today unveiled version 4.0 of its flagship litigation product, SCO v. IBM.
"Our top-of-the-line product now boasts new arguments, new evidence, new discovery demands, and new counter-counter-counter-motions designed to provide additional value to our customers and shareholders," said SCO's Assistant Vice Director Media Relations Specialist Third Class.
According to a four-color glossy brochure distributed by SCO, the cornerstone of IBM Lawsuit Amended Complaint 4.0 is the argument that GPL-licensed code should be seized under eminent domain laws to provide greater economic development.
"All of this valuable code is being squandered by the draconian anti-corporate, anti-American, pro-pinko-Commie GPL license that the Free Software Foundation has rammed down everybody's throats," says the brochure. "But thanks to the recent decision by the Supreme Court, the tyranny of the GPL can -- and must -- be stopped through the eminent domain process."
SCO proposes that all of the open source code held by the FSF, IBM, and Novell should be "liberated" and turned over to SCO. In its Complaint 4.0, SCO argues that "this move will provide huge public benefits by increasing tax revenue, creating jobs, protecting national security, fighting terrorism, and boosting economic development efforts nationwide."
In addition, SCO's upgraded litigation product (all 512 pages) includes the following new-and-improved contentions:
- The GPL establishes an illegal monopoly
- The GPL promotes slavery
- Free software represents illegal campaign contributions
- Open Source harms the environment
- GPL undermines national security and aids terrorists
- Open Source development violates child labor laws
- The Linux mascot is degrading to penguins
SCO's Amended Complaint 4.0 also features an 159-page appendix with research and statistics from the Blartner Group "proving" that Open Source software has deprived the US government of $1.53 billion in tax revenue that would have been generated by sales of equivalent proprietary software.
"Every time somebody downloads a GPL package for free, they are circumventing sales tax laws," the appendix states. "Every Linux user is a person that is no longer buying Windows and paying sales taxes. This unpatriotic travesty must stop."
A complimentary copy of SCO's latest product was sent to the US Senate Committee For Sucking Up To Corporations, which was unavailable for comment at press time.