There Is NO Neo-Con Conspiracy

Fake News written by Michele Petrovsky on Tuesday, July 5, 2005

from the nothing-to-see-here-move-along dept.

There is no conspiracy. The Neo-Conservative Wing of the Republican Party, the Brainwashing Wing of the FOX Network, and the Evil Wing of Microsoft [1] have not formed an alliance to achieve world domination. There is no dark, sinister plot by our media overlords to brainwash the American public. These rumors are simply not true.

Well, actually, they might be. We have, indeed, received evidence of a massive GOP-FOX-MSFT trifecta. But we don't want our media overlords to read the rest of this story. Thankfully, the average Neo-Con only skims headlines and soundbites, while ignoring anything of substance. With our bogus headline and introduction, the coast should now be clear to reveal Microsoft Conspiracy Theory 2.59e17, the most diabolic conspiracy theory in the history of diabolical conspiracy theories.

An anonymous source, code-named "Deep Cache" (not his real code name), arranged a clandestine meeting with this reporter at a location known only as "The Android's Dungeon" (not its real code name). While sucking on a cigarette and hiding in the shadows, Deep Cache revealed the conspiracy.

"Neo-Conservatives and Microsoft have united to pursue their ghastly agenda," he said. "It's a perfect match. With some help from the media, the group has found the perfect recipe for world domination."

I was very skeptical at first. After all, Microsoft conspiracy theories are a dime a dozen. Humorix has used them as filler material for almost 7 years. What I needed was proof.

After seeing my negative reaction, Deep Cache thrashed wildly and shouted, "Do I have to thunk it for you? It's as plain as the tracks on your drive, dudette. Microsoft has always wanted to control the world. The Neo-Cons have always wanted to really, really control the world. They share the same agenda! Can't you see? The era of Plug-and-Play Politics is upon us! They must be stopped! Do you want this country to end up as the world's biggest buffer overflow?"

"Uh... no," I said, hoping to avoid another thrashing episode.

"Come on, now -- don't tell me you can't see the parallels in their processes. It's so obvious! Do I have to draw you a picture? OK, fine, I will!"

At this point Deep Cache made a sketch showing the similarities between Microsoft and the Neo-Conservative Movement. It looked something like this:

Microserfs: Products require limitless resources to do a mediocre job
Neo-Cons: Policies require limitless tax revenues to do a mediocre job

Microserfs: Like to belittle thinking people who prefer Open Source
Neo-Cons: Like to belittle thinking people, period

Microserfs: Constantly scheming to cut off the air supply of competitors
Neo-Cons: Constantly scheming to cut off the oil supply of enemies

Microserfs: Largest producer of hot air in the Pacific Northwest
Neo-Cons: Largest producer of hot air in the world

Microserfs: Vaporware
Neo-Cons: Campaign promises

Microserfs: Offer $1,000 per disc software packages
Neo-Cons: Offer $1,000 per plate campaign dinners

Microserfs: Steve Ballmer
Neo-Cons: Rush Limbaugh

Microserfs: Always receive little more than a slap on the wrist for anti-trust violations
Neo-Cons: Always receive little more than a slap on the wrist for campaign finance violations

Microserfs: Bloated software includes everything but the kitchen sink
Neo-Cons: Bloated legislation includes everything but the Bill of Rights

Microserfs: The 800-lb gorilla of Washington State
Neo-Cons: The 800-lb gorilla of Washington, D.C.

Microserfs: Believe Sys-Con is fair and balanced
Neo-Cons: Believe FOX News is fair and balanced

Microserfs: Believe that their platform is the only reasonable choice
Neo-Cons: Believe that their platform is the only reasonable choice

After Deep Cache finished his demonstration, I asked, "Well, what can be done?"

He then made another sketch, which he called "the first salvo in a revolution that will rid the world of pundit-speak." It was a crontab entry, like this:

 30  19  *  *  5 /usr/bin/reframe_the_debate.php 

I then asked Deep Cache whether it was wise to inform the enemy that something intelligent, and therefore threatening to them, would happen at 7:30 PM of every Friday of every month.

He responded, "Not a problem! They're so sure of their hegemony, they'll dismiss it as just another instance of 'socialist esoterica.' Either that, or they'll assume it's an unflattering report that's being kept under the radar by releasing it after everyone's gone home for the weekend. I call it the Purloined Letter approach to information covert operations."

So what does reframe_the_debate.php actually do? Deep Cache evaded the question, but he finally spilled the beans after I offered a bribe including a lifetime supply of "Star Trek" books. The answer, it turns out, is rather ingenious. The script hijacks the "crawl" on the FOX News Channel to deliver subtle but subversive comments to all Neo-Con viewers.

"We're pretty confident that the FOX network uses Microsoft products. We're very confident that these Microsoft product include numerous security vulnerabilities, which our script exploits to take control of the ticker on the bottom of the screen. Then, each week, we insert random subliminal messages about freedom, democracy, and penguins. Neo-Cons watch FNC religiously and will happily consume these subversive messages without realizing that they are slowly undergoing a de-re-education program."

Among other subversive themes, the messages include excerpts from the U.S. Constitution, including "Congress shall make no law..." (1st Amendment) and "The right of the people... shall not be violated" (4th Amendment).

Deep Cache concluded, "Most Neo-Cons have never read the full text of the Constitution, instead relying on 15-second summaries and soundbites. By dominating the FOX crawl, we will quietly deliver the Bill of Rights into the homes of millions, one bite-sized phrase at a time. This will do more for the future of intelligent debate in this country than turning Rush Limbaugh, Tucker Carlson, Ann Coulter, and Robert Novak over to the Vogons."

A loud "Bwahahahahaha!" was heard as Deep Cache finally slipped away into the underground.

[1] Editor's Note: When we say "Evil Wing of Microsoft", we are, of course, referring to the whole company.

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