Study: Linux Exposure Causes Insanity

Fake News written by James Baughn on Wednesday, August 3, 2005

from the lies-damned-lies-and-studies dept.

"Linux is unsafe at any refresh rate."

That's the summary of the latest report from the prestigious Blartner Group, this time warning that prolonged exposure to Linux and other Open Source projects can cause "severe, irreversible mental illness."

Take, for instance, The SCO Group. What started as Caldera, an innocuous Linux distributor, quickly turned into TSG, an obviously insane institution suffering from paranoid delusions of copyright infringements.

"Linux caused Caldera's upper management to jump off the deep end," said the report's author, Bill Blartner. "If it can happen to them, it can happen to you."

In the report, Blartner coined yet another acronym, PLAGUE (Prolonged Linux Activity Generating Unstable Emotions) to describe the effects of Linux contamination.

"This PLAGUE can spread to even the most stable and reputable organizations, such as a legal firm," he argued. "We can only find one plausible explanation for why high-powered lawyers would agree to pursue the SCO non-case, and that's sudden insanity brought about by exposure to Linux. It's just that simple."

The report also describes how the PLAGUE can cause "ordinary business school graduates" to believe in the fairy tale that they can make money by developing and giving away software for free. This bizarre attitude, according to Blartner, "is only one small step away from full-blown anti-American Communist psychotic propaganda."

Blartner has been unable to pinpoint the origin of the PLAGUE, although he suspects that the GNU Project is primarily responsible for spreading it. "Richard M. Stallman has a lot of explaining to do. This epidemic is rapidly spreading through the tech industry and will require serious government regulation to stop."

While most members of the Linux community ignore the Blartner Group with a passion, some Linux longhairs did take time to express outrage at the organization's latest anti-Linux assault. "Let's face it, the only insane people are the pointy-haired bosses that swallow everything Blartner produces even though every report has turned out 100% wrong," said one. "At least a stopped clock is right twice a day; Blartner can't even match that!"

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