And Now A Word From Somebody Else's Lawyer

Announcement posted by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer on Wednesday, September 7, 2005

from the insert-patented-lawyer-joke-here dept.

From Mr. N. O. Humor, Attorney at Law, Kil and Profit Law Firm, registered in some random, obscure, easily-bribed country:

Dear Mr. Morals,

I'm writing on behalf of the Kil and Profit LLUEC (Limited Liability, Unlimited Evil Corporation) and its customers, including, but not limited to, RPI (Ridiculous Patents, Inc.)(tm), Microsoft®, the® SCO® group®, and George® W.® Bush®. Our research department has found your "And Now A Word From Our Lawyers" article, and handed it to me for further handling.

I found it to be in violation of several of the patents and trademarks of our customers:

1. Having written a legal statement of more than 3 paragraphs, you are in violation of international patent FBRPO (Fictional But Realistic Patent Office (tm)) #12345678, "Excessively long legal statements", which is available for licensing at only $50 per character beyond the 3rd paragraph if licensed in advance; and only $50 million per character if we caught you using our patent without advance licensing.

2. The presentation of your article violates patent FBRPO(tm) #23456789, owned by RPI, patenting "A method of encoding arbitrary information in sequences of 26 otherwise meaningless symbols"

3. Even though you make some explicit disclaimers about your acticle's title, it violates our customer's trademarks. "Word" is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corp. (USPTO #78013812). You are required to purchase a license.

4. Your article uses the word "search" 3 times. "Search" is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corp. (USPTO #78615231) and must be licensed.

5. Your article contains the letter "X" 47 times. "X" is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corp. (USPTO #78624288) and requires licensing.

6. "Crime Syndicate" is an official nickname and registered trademark of the Bush administration, represented by our valued customer George W. Bush.

7. We have accessed your article through the Google Cache system; therefore technically the content was published on Google and not on Humorix. Therefore your disclaimers 9 and 10 do not apply; I'm hereby informing you that we've launched a class-action lawsuit against you for all ill effects mentioned in those disclaimers.

8. Your statement #14 is in direct contradiction to your page, which violates your privacy on several terms. Your statement is therefore to be treated as misleading advertising.

9. Our customers Microsoft and SCO employ several practicing Satanists who are offended by your statement that you do not possess any evidence linking them to their God. We are currently evaluating the right sum to sue for your insulting statement. Moreover, our customer George W. Bush is offended that you omitted the name "Bill Clinton" as a synonym for Satan.

10. In your point #18, you violate the KDE and GNOME trademarks (held by their respective owners). Unfortunately Kil and Profit LLUEC has, thus far, failed to convince those [censored](tm) bastards® to hire us to enforce their trademarks. However, we have sued them for violating equal opportunity laws by not giving us an equal opportunity to cash in on their patents. Pending the outcome of this lawsuit, we will add more damages to our existing claims.

11. Lastly, on a personal note, your website's name is made up of my last name (while I have no relation to your site -- associating my name with this crap definitely constitutes libel) and Microsoft's trademark "X". Thank you for giving me a chance to make some personal profit out of this too.

We therefore demand that you:

1. Remove the offending material from your website and the Google and Wayback Archives immediately

2. Pay the license fees on the illegally used patents and trademarks owned by Kil and Profit LLUEC and its customers.

3. Pay a handling fee for the writing this message (fortunately for you, Kil and Profit LLUEC is cheap -- we charge only $100,000 per hour. This message took 317 hours to draft and write, including the time I spent playing computer games while thinking about having to write this note).

4. Refrain from violating any of the intellectual property rights of any of our customers for all time. The only foolproof way to comply with this order would be to commit suicide®, but that option is patented by RPI, so you will have to explore other solutions. Frontal lobotomy, perhaps?

Failure to comply will result in more money for our firm, so we encourage you to simply ignore this notice.


N. O. Humor
Attorney at Law
Kil and Profit LLUEC

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