Baseball Warns Against "Information Piracy" At World Series

Fake News written by James Baughn on Friday, October 21, 2005

from the more-true-than-fake dept.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS -- In a harshly worded statement, Major League Baseball reiterated its policy against the unlawful dissemination of game information without their express written consent. To enforce this edict, all cell phones, cameras, scorecards, abacusses, and all other devices capable of storing information will be banned from within two miles of all World Series games.

"The events that transpire during each game are copyrighted, trademarked, and patented by the Commissioner of Baseball," said the Commissioner of Baseball. "Don't even think of keeping a scorecard and then distributing the play-by-play information to somebody else after the game -- that's a clear example of information piracy and will not be tolerated. Violators will find themselves in the crosshairs of the MLB Legal Department, which can hurl subpoenas harder than a Roger Clemens fastball."

All fans attending a World Series game must implicitly agree to the EFUA (End Fan User Agreement) printed on the back of each ticket. This document, likely drafted by the same school of lawyers that developed the SCO Linux License, states, "The ticketholder shall not transmit or aid in transmitting any information about the game... including, but no limited to, any account, description, picture, video, audio, reproduction or other information concerning the game (collectively, 'Everything Within Two Miles Of The Stadium'). The Office of the Commissioner of Baseball is the exclusive owner of all copyrights and other proprietary rights in the game... So there!"

In a colorful pamphlet entitled "One Strike And You're Sued," MLB outlines some of the activities that clearly violate their precious intellectual property:

  • Calling somebody on a cell phone from within the stadium to give live updates on the score.

  • Standing on a rooftop or peeking over the outfield fence to get a glance of the action on the field without paying.

  • Taking pictures of the scoreboard -- or anything else, for that matter.

  • Writing play-by-play information on a scorecard or other document with the intent to distribute.

  • Blogging or podcasting in real-time about the crappy calls made by the umpires.

  • Discussing the game with any person who did not attend. For instance, telling a co-worker at the watercooler the next day, "That double play in the third inning changed the whole momentum of the game!" represents the unauthorized transmittal of a game description and will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

"It is imperative that we protect our rights," said a spokesperson for the Commissioner. "Every act of information piracy deprives our players of the money they so desperately need to feed their families and purchase backup luxury yachts."

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