Senator Seriously Injured After Jumping Off Cliff
Fake News written by on Wednesday, November 2, 2005
WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CLUELESSNESS -- In a bizarre incident last week, U.S. Senator Fattecat (R-Washington State) fell off a 30-foot high cliff and sustained several broken bones. His spokesperson claims that the whole thing was "an accident", but the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has uncovered the real reason for the cliff jump: the MPAA told him to.
"One of Fattecat's handlers at the MPAA told him to jump off a cliff, and he did it," said an anonymous source who wished to remain anonymous. "What choice did he have? He's always done everything the MPAA and RIAA want, and in return he's always been re-elected -- despite his gross incompetence."
However, another source told a different story to the VSN. "It was all a misunderstanding. Instead of jumping off a cliff, the MPAA bosses wanted Fattecat to 'jump on the CLIFF', referring to a piece of upcoming legislation dubbed the CLIFF Act, or the Completely Liberating Information From Fanatics Act. His cell phone connection must of been bad, because he misheard the order and immediately leaped from the top of the nearest hill."
Our source added with glee, "This might be the first time in history that the American public has benefitted from lousy cell phone coverage."
The CLIFF Act, from what we can gather, would establish an "entertainment license" that would function like a driver's license for anybody who wanted to watch a movie or listen to popular music. In order to obtain the license, supplicants would have to undergo a rigorous training and testing regime filled with pro-copyright-monopoly, pro-big-business propaganda. Watching a movie without the license would be a Class A felony, punishable by deportation to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.
"This legislation would liberate movies and music from the clutches of pirates, thieves, and other fanatics that have declared war against the American free enterprise system," said a Fattecat aide. "Once these dregs of society are finally deported, movie producers will once again be completely free to follow their creative visions."
It appears, however, that this legislation doesn't have much of a chance of passing soon. For one thing, it's competing against 99 other similar bills proposed by every other senator, all of which have received significant, uh, "investments" from Hollywood. With so many anti-consumer, pro-Orwell bills to choose from, the Senate is currently overwhelmed and unable to accomplish anything.
"This is proof that the system works," said an anonymous source.