Survey: Evil Geniuses Less Interested In World Domination
Fake News written by on Friday, December 16, 2005
Facing growing expenses and a lack of motivation, many of the world's leading evil geniuses and conspirators are no longer plotting world domination, according to a new survey conducted by the US Census Bureau.
"World domination has always been the holy grail of organized crime, but it's becoming harder and harder to achieve domination over even a single county or region," said Kahn Speerator, founder of the Criminal Mastermind Shopping Club. "And with rising expenses -- hired goons and henchmen are commanding the highest wages in history -- the entire industry is really feeling the pinch."
In 1980, when the Census Bureau first started to study evil masterminds, over 1,400 people indicated on their census forms that they held an occupation of "full-time evil genius, criminal mastermind, global conspirator, and/or world domination seeker."
A follow-up survey revealed that nearly 500 different world domination plots were in various stages of development, including 52 weather control schemes, 38 asteroid diversion plans, 19 financial market manipulation plots, and even 2 joke warfare strategems (presumably inspired by a Monty Python sketch).
"Most of these plots were probably hoaxes," said a Census Bureau statistician. "But I suspect a few were legitimate. At any rate, these people are clearly a dying breed: by 1990 the number of US citizens claiming an occupation of 'evil genius' dropped by nearly 75%, and in 2000 the number was in the single digits. It might even be zero now."
Mennon Black, chief conspiriologist for Humorix, argues that the Census numbers are probably wrong. "Only an idiot evil genius reports their activities to the Census Bureau! There's got to be more schemes out there -- with a population of six billion and growing, the world becomes a better target every day. And let's not forget about our world domination comrades in other countries. World domination is... well, a worldwide occupation."
Nevertheless, many former criminal masterminds have stepped forward to discuss their transition back into more acceptable trades, such as used car salesmen or software patent attorneys.
"A smart lawyer can make more money and control more people than a guy with a weather machine could ever hope to achieve!" exclaimed Brain, a world domination expert who previously disguised himself as a lab rat on a popular animated TV show to avoid detection, but is actually a real-life evil genius. "I once tried over 700 different schemes to achieve global control, all of which went horribly wrong. Now I'm focusing on something just as rewarding, but much more realistic: I'm becoming an IP lawyer."
Dr. XYZ, who once tried to start World War III with his patented Death Laser until he accidentally put out his remaining eye, was nostalgic about his days as the CEO (Chief Evil Officer) for a major multinational world domination company, but is much happier in his current life.
"I once had over 1,000 henchmen working under me, but it was a management nightmare. They had to have gourmet food, free health care, and their own Olympic-sized swimming pool right there in my secret underground lair. And now that most mercenaries are unionized, they wouldn't even let me put implants in their necks to make sure they didn't run away or snitch. And then my [expletive] chief scientist installed the laser backward, causing me to go blind! If this is the only kind of help available, then nobody will ever achieve world domination!"
After spending a couple years in rehab, Mr. XYZ -- now known as John Smith -- has entered the business world with the hopes of achieving another kind of world domination: cornering the entire market for classroom spinning globes. "It may not be quite the same, but at least I can walk around in public without worrying about that James Bond party-pooper sneaking up on me."