Welcome To The World Of Drive-Through Law Offices
Fake News written by on Tuesday, February 14, 2006
LINDON, UTAH -- In what could be the First Sign of the Apocalypse, a Utah entrepreneur has opened the world's first drive-through law office. With the ability to serve six lanes of traffic at the same time, the new "Stop 'N Sue" center hopes to make filing for a lawsuit as easy as picking up a hamburger.
"We're trying to take the torture out of tort law," said Ernest Lionel, the brainchild behind the patent-pending Stop 'N Sue system. He added, "Wow, that's a great line I just made up. I'll have to remember to trademark it during my lunch break. Speaking of trademarks, we're running a one-day-only 50% off special on all trademark applications..."
When a customer first pulls in, they see a large menu board advertising the company's specialties, including divorce petitions, wills (in medium, large, and extra-large sizes), and even a combo deal that allows great-grandmothers to defend themselves against unjust RIAA lawsuits while receiving a free tax shelter.
"For too long, the American legal system has been unreachable to the average American," said company spokeswoman Sue Peena. "We want to let ordinary people participate in mankind's greatest creation, tort law. By making it drop-dead easy to file a lawsuit from the comfort of your own SUV, we are ushering in a whole new era of peace and prosperity."
During its first week, business at the Stop 'N Sue has been slow. But Mr. Lionel expects that customers will start appearing in droves once the word gets out. "In the old days, you could waste half a day in a law office preparing to sue your neighbor for infringing on your property values by allowing his grass to grow 3 microns too tall. But with Stop 'N Sue, you can initiate litigation in a matter of minutes while heading across town to pick up your kids at soccer practice."
"And even if you don't have any particular lawsuit in mind, we can still help. Our friendly associates can brainstorm potential lawsuit targets in less than five minutes. I don't care who you are, we'll find somebody for you to sue. We guarantee it!" He quickly added, "Guarantee not valid in most states."
The company has long-term plans to open franchises worldwide. Meanwhile, Lionel hopes to start lobbying local governments to adopt a similar drive-through system for their courthouses. "The whole court system could be radically streamlined by offering drive-through trials for routine civil cases. Why should busy Americans be forced to waste their time walking into a courtroom when they can litigate just as easily from behind the wheel?"