SCO Wins Prestigious Legal Awards
Fake News written by on Tuesday, March 7, 2006
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In what could be the Second Sign of the Apocalypse, The SCO Group today won several prestigious awards at the annual meeting of the National Association of Litiguous Bastards, including awards for "Best Lawsuit", "Best Discovery Stall Tactics", and "Best Supporting Attorney".
While these so-called "Torty" Awards do not come with any cash bonuses, The SCO Group hopes to leverage their success into a line of legal textbooks and how-to videos for aspiring lawyers.
"The SCO Group and the attorneys at Boies, Schiller & Flexner have employed some of the most creative litigation maneuvers in the history of tort law," said Flaye Kee, NALB president. "They truly deserve these awards. I've been following their case against IBM and it's been a joy to watch... their sheer brilliance almost brings a tear to your eyes. I mean, who else could keep a lawsuit running for so long without disclosing even the slightest crumb of hard evidence?"
One of the NALB award voters, Erna Bigchek, explained, "After SCO gave them practically nothing to work with, the Boies team has crafted the Mother of All Cases along with a stunning series of pre-trial manuevers that would make any law firm envious. It's not whether you win or lose, it's how much suffering you can inflict on your enemies in the meantime."
During the acceptance speech for "Best Discovery Stall Tactics," one of the Boies lawyers said, "I'd like thank so many people for making this night possible. Most of all, to my mother, who first coined the idea of 'nonpublic Linux contributions', which has been the cornerstone of our recent discovery demands."
Immediately after the awards ceremony, SCO and the Boies law firm announced a partnership to create "Ours, Inc.®", a new product line that will feature textbooks, how-to videos, motivational speakers, and consulting services for companies and lawyers that need to take on Goliath corporations but don't have much ammunition.
"Our successful litigation against IBM proves that it's possible to attack an 800-lb gorilla armed with only a foam mallet," boasted a SCO spokesperson. "Copyright violations, patent infringements, trademark abuses -- that kind of solid evidence is for losers. This is the 21st Century, where litigation is no longer burdened by quaint, old-fashioned terms like 'evidence', 'research', or 'due diligence'."
"SCO vs. IBM is at the cusp of a revolution in tort law, which we've dubbed Litigation 2.0(tm). With Ours, Inc., we are more than happy to share our expertise while helping to make courtrooms worldwide into far more dynamic places. We want to elevate litigation from a mundane occupation into an art form capitalizing on a whole new series of shifting paradigms. The future is now, brought to you by The SCO Group."