Pointy Haired Boss Issues Press Releases About His Personal Life
Fake News written by on Monday, May 8, 2006
Things are pretty slow here at Humorix. Jon Splatz took a lunch break last year and hasn't been seen since. Our attorney, Noah Morals, has remained out of sight after losing his 500th lawsuit. And our investigative reporter, Dances With Herring, is deep undercover at Google World Headquarters. [Oops, maybe we shouldn't have revealed that].
We might be short on staff, but we're not short on incoming
spam press releases from worthless Sillycon Valley companies. During the last several months, we've received an amusing series of announcements from a certain corporate executive who likes to see his name in print. We've copied a few of these press releases below and provided a rough translation for each.
Dill To From Strategic Alliance With Lindgren
-- For Immediate Release --
In a move designed to increase personal satisfaction dividends, Mr. Bert Dill is pleased to announce a merger with Miss Maria Lindgren, effective June 15, 2005, at a ceremony in Hawaii.
"This new partnership will leverage our core competencies to produce additional value for our friends and future subsidiary offspring," Dill said.
Dill, the public relations director of Proactive Synergy Paradigms, Inc., earned a master's degree in business administration from the University of North-Central Nebraska. Lindgren, the only daughter of Swedish immigrants, currently works as a lingerie model and was featured on the January 2005 cover of Bodacious Babes Magazine.
Upon completion of the merger, the newly incorporated family unit will reside in Palo Alto, California.
[Translation: Mr. Dill has found a trophy wife to marry.]
Dill Family Relocates To New World Headquarters Complex
Anticipating strong growth during the next several quarters, the Dill Family has obtained financing to relocate world headquarters operations to a new complex in Mountain View with upgraded amenities.
"We will increase our staffing levels by 50% during the coming month as our new subsidiaries, Hunter and Tyndall, are expected to be delivered by my partner Maria's supply chain in early December 2005," Bert Dill explained. "The new location will provide maximized benefits for our growing endeavors."
To raise capital for the project, Dill solicited bids from investors worldwide. The winning bidder, the Third Bank of Milpitas, offered a best-of-breed investment package featuring a 30-year negative-amortizing loan product that minimizes monthly payments while leveraging low-risk real estate appreciation forecasts to increase Dill's equity and total market capitalization.
[Translation: The family is buying a "McMansion" using a toxic loan that Bert must have seen advertised on late-night TV. Also, the wife is expecting twins.]
Dill Family Invests $500K In Capital Improvements
Hoping to take advantage of favorable market trends, the Dill Family has completed the acquisition of over $500K worth of capital improvements, including precious metal ornamentations, upgraded apparel products, and entertainment opportunities for subsidiary operations.
"These purchases will elevate our fashion quotient among our neighbors and colleagues, providing a supportive environment for successful business transactions and positive person-to-person relationship outcomes," said Bert Dill.
[Translation: The wife went on a shopping spree to buy lots of shiny things to show off to her friends.]
Dill Graduates From Personal Enrichment Training
Bert Dill is pleased to announce the successful completion of a program of study at the prestigious Mayo Clinic. The program, conducted at the institutes's award-winning alcohol dependency center, fulfills the requirements of a recent court order while providing multiple dividends for Dill and his associates.
"As a result of this happy occasion, I am no longer dominated by a chemical dependency and can experience a richer lifestyle going forward while maintaining a higher degree of mental acuity," Dill said after emerging from a conference with his probation officer.
[Translation: The husband pulled a Kennedy and was busted for driving under the influence. He somehow finished a rehab program for his alcoholism.]
Dill Family Reorganizes To Reduce Costs
Facing unexpected downward market pressures, the Dill Family has undertaken a massive restructuring program to reduce costs while maximizing asset appreciation. Utilizing a strategic partnership with a financial consulting firm, Dill has successfully reduced monthly debt service obligations nearly 39% by leveraging a proactive refinancing and loan consolidation system.
Moreover, Dill has implemented a critical paradigm shift by eliminating underperforming budget allocations, including orbital video transfer services, on-demand caregiving and sanitation services for subsidiary operations, and periodic appearance management consultations.
In order to increase cash flow parameters, Dill has also spearheaded a simple but effective action item that includes a public offering of various surplus assets in an informal market setting. The first of these events raised a net profit of $874, with two additional public offerings programmed for the coming fiscal year.
Dill Family spokesman Bert Dill says that the organization hopes to achieve overall profitability within the next six months.
[Translation: The new house, the two kids, the wife's shopping sprees, and the husband's alcoholism have wiped out the family's fortune, if any. The husband refinanced their mortgage, dropped satellite TV service, fired the nanny, and cut off the wife's weekly manicures and facials. Oh, and they got rid of a bunch of crap at a yard sale.]
Dill Announces Divestiture Of Subsidiaries
In response to growing hostility and underlying financial instabilities, Bert Dill has announced that partner Maria and subsidiaries Hunter and Tyndall have been spun off to form an independent family unit. A court decree authorizing this transaction will take effect May 5, 2006.
Under negotiated terms of the deal, Bert Dill will retain 50% of accumulated assets, but will contribute monthly investment payments to Maria Lindgren for the continued growth and development of both subsidiary operations until they achieve legal independence.
"While this situation is regrettable," Dill said, "It will ensure tranquility for all involved parties and mitigate the negative consequences of previous business activities."
Ms. Lindgren responded, "Go to Hell, you fruitcake! I knew it was a mistake to marry anybody with an MBA. God I hate businessmen. I only wish I had filed for divorce months ago!" She then added, "And if you keep issuing stupid press releases about me or my kids, you're going to find my left foot in the crack of your asset balance sheet!"