Satan: Sell Your Soul To Me, Not Microsoft
Fake News written by on Sunday, November 5, 2006
HADES -- Faced with growing competition from Microsoft in the lucrative soul-buying market, the Prince of Darkness today unveiled a new advertising campaign hoping to lure in more customers and turn the tables on Bill Gates.
"The Novell-Microsoft deal was the final straw," Satan said during a press conference at his underground lair. "Novell should have sold their souls to me, not Microsoft. I can offer much greater rewards than some phony-baloney we-promise-not-to-sue covenant. Just look at The SCO Group: they sold their souls to Microsoft and what do they have to show for it now?"
The last few years have been very tough for Satan. "When I look at all of the suckers that have partnered with Microsoft, only to be stabbed in the back repeatedly, I can only shrug my horns," he lamented. "Those should be *my* customers! Between Microsoft and the Republican Party, the competition is eating me alive!"
During the last three quarters, earnings for Hades have plummeted 45%, causing one stock analyst to downgrade Hades (ticker symbol: HELL) from "Strong Buy" to "Exorcise From Your Portfolio Immediately." The added competition from Microsoft and others has caused the futures market for souls to skyrocket, cutting profit margins severely for Hades.
"Fire and brimstone ain't cheap," Satan growled. "I need cheap souls to perform the grunt work that keeps this place going."
Nevertheless, the Prince of Darkness hopes that the situation will improve thanks to an advertising blitz highlighting the advantages of selling out.
"Need cash now?" asks one TV commercial. "Don't mess with high-interest loans... we've got the solution to your money problems right here. In just fifteen minutes and with your signature in blood, you can have all of the money you need!"
Another spot proclaims, "You only have one soul -- sell it wisely. There's a reason The Devil has been the market leader for the last two millennia. We offer much better rewards than the competition. Don't delay, call Hades today! Minions are standing by."
Industry observers expressed mixed reactions at the news. "I'm glad that we're seeing such viable competition," said an analyst for the Blartner Group. "For centuries, mortals have faced the unpleasant challenge of trying to sell their souls in a buyer's market. All of that has changed now that Satan no longer has a stranglehold."
However, a rival pundit said, "This is terrible. It's bad enough that Satan represents pure evil, but now we have a corporation that is even worse! When will the insanity end?"
A slave... er, spokesperson for Microsoft was unavailable for comment at press time.