Microsoft Finds Solution For Lackluster Vista Sales
Fake News written by on Sunday, April 1, 2007
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- Hoping to turn around dismal sales trends for Windows Vista, Microsoft today announced a new edition of the so-called operating system, Windows Vista® Shiny Things Edition(tm), which will feature a $3,950 price tag and "lots of shiny things."
According to market research, many Pointy Haired Bosses -- the prime target demographic of Microsoft products -- were turned off by Vista's seemingly low prices.
"Revolutionary paradigm shifts are supposed to cost more than a few hundred dollars," explained an industry analyst. "At least that's what most corporate drones think. If Microsoft wants to increase sales, it's going to need to convince pointy-hairs that Vista is the best thing since built-in PC cup holders. The easiest way to do that is to increase the price and add even more useless features."
Among those useless features, Vista Shiny Things includes a set of 5 DVDs, each containing 20% more gold than standard discs. The extra gold doesn't add any functionality, but it makes buyers believe that this is a "luxury" operating system.
"It's so simple -- developers add granite countertops to a run-down apartment, and suddenly it becomes a 'luxury condominium.' Now Microsoft adds gold plating to its run-down operating system, and suddenly it becomes a luxury must-have software package for elite buyers."
Vista Shiny Things also includes 33% more eye candy, including a fully 3D rendered Cancel/Allow dialog box that includes special effects that would make George Lucas envious. The audio subsystem has been upgraded so that the startup theme can be heard in 21-channel surround sound format.
Of course, the new shiny things require an obscene level of hardware support. But that shouldn't stop people from buying it, even if they can't run it on their computers.
"Vista Shiny Things is like a diamond ring or a Hummer -- it's strictly for show. Nobody expects you to actually use the darn thing for anything practical," said somebody we found on the street who was willing to talk to us. "The price tag reflects that. This product is strictly for keeping up with the Joneses."