Keyboard Replacements Up 35% Thanks To SCO
Fake News written by on Sunday, April 8, 2007
It's not safe to read the news anymore. One minute you're enjoying a nice beverage at your computer, the next moment you're spewing liquid all over your monitor and keyboard after reading the latest ridiculous and hypocritical motion from The SCO Group.
The problem is called IBEE (Involuntary Beverage Explosion Event) and it strikes an estimated 1,650 keyboards each day, often requiring immediate replacement. With SCO becoming increasingly desperate, the number of such incidents worldwide has increased nearly 35% since this time last year, providing an unexpected lift for keyboard manufacturers.
"Business has never been better," said the CEO of Ctrl-Alt-Delete Manufacturing Co. "Before, almost nobody bought a standalone keyboard in a store; they just came bundled with new computers. But now we're having trouble keeping up with demand."
Some corporate IT departments, sick of seeing coffee stains everywhere, have pushed for bans against beverages at workstations. "We fully realize that restricting coffee consumption will likely cause a serious reduction in productivity," explained the CTO at Proactive Synergy Paradigms, Inc. "But we can't afford to keep replacing keyboards like this!"
Other workplaces are providing special training to encourage safer beverage consumption. At Google's World Headquarters Complex, signs remind employees to "Don't Spew Your Brew" and "Down The Throat It Goes, Not Through The Nose."
"People like to multitask, but you shouldn't gulp and read at the same time," said a Google manager. "It's just too dangerous. I should know -- one time I made the mistake of drinking a soda and reading a SCO press release at the same time. I laughed so hard that soda streamed through my nose, and now my sinuses have never (sniffle) been the same."
Even among people that don't drink at the computer, reading the news can still prove dangerous. Take Lowell Rotfuller, who dislocated his left knee while rolling on the floor laughing at yet another hilarious SCO motion.
"One of these days, somebody is going to die laughing at SCO. I know I'm going to be a lot more careful when I visit Groklaw in the future."