Wikipedia Deletes All But 0.1% Of Articles
Fake News written by on Friday, December 28, 2007
WIKIPEDIA WORLD HEADQUARTERS -- In a bold effort to conserve precious disk space and bandwidth, Wikipedia today announced that 99.9% of English-language articles have been permanently removed.
These "non-notable" articles, ranging from "aardvark" to "Zzyzx", were removed at 10 AM EST during a ceremony attended by five members of the Wikipedia Top Secret Cabal that concluded with the execution of a simple "DELETE FROM..." SQL statement.
"Nobody is going to miss these entries," boasted a gleeful Wikipedia admin just moments after MySQL reported that 2,115,231 rows were affected. "I mean, who really cares about Quantum Mechanics, Germany, or Thomas Jefferson? These bogus entries are just taking up valuable electrons."
Thanks to the purge, Wikipedia will have additional resources to devote to more notable topics, such as a list of all uses of the word "smeg" on "Red Dwarf" or a complete bibliography of sources chronicling the effect of postmodern literature on Micronesian cultural institutions.
"Our database tables were bursting at the seams," said a Wikipedia programmer. "We had to do something -- with so many table rows, some of our queries were taking a whopping 2.3 milliseconds to complete!"
Wikipedia contributor "StarTrek4Ever", who just witnessed the loss of nearly 30,000 hours of his work, was unavailable for comment at press time.