Bill Gates is NOT Satan, Says Satan

Fake News written by James Baughn on Wednesday, January 23, 2008

from the lots-of-hot-air dept.

HADES -- Sick and tired of hearing various "Bill Gates is Satan" jokes, the Prince of Darkness today issued an edict demanding an end to such friviolities.

"How dare you compare Bill Gates to me!" Satan snarled during a fake press conference from the Fire & Brimstone Briefing Room broadcast live on CSPAN. "Yes, we all know Windows is an evil piece of crap -- and I applaud Bill Gates for his efforts -- but he doesn't even come close to the sheer vileness that I possess!"

The comparisons started on Usenet in the 1990s, when a popular joke circulated about a dead Bill Gates choosing an eternity in Hell instead of Heaven, only to discover that the paradise version of Hell he first experienced was only a vaporware demo. This meme quickly morphed into various jokes connecting Microsoft with Hell, such as the classic one-liner, "Welcome to Hell. Here's your complimentary copy of Windows ME."

It didn't take long before direct Gates vs. Satan checklists made the rounds. Satan: Torments billions of lost souls with fire and brimstone. Gates: Torments billions of computer users with bluescreens and driver errors. Satan: Promises anything, only to deliver eternal damnation. Gates: Promises anything, only to deliver Vista.

Nevertheless, Lucifer is no longer amused at the parodies. "Bill Gates is nothing compared to me!" he bellowed while poking out the eyes of a nearby sinner. "I command the universe's largest collection of diabolical minions to do my bidding. What does Gates command? His minions took five years to make an operating system that can't even copy files across a network faster than dial-up speeds. That's not evil, that's just sad."

Microsoft employees have sided with Satan. "These comparisons have never been fair!" said Steve Ballmer's secretary and chair arranger. "Bill Gates has brought computers to the masses, just like Gutenberg brought literacy to the masses. He should be considered a saint!"

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