Federal Government Unveils "Do-Fly" List

Fake News written by James Baughn on Wednesday, March 2, 2011

from the one-minor-little-detail dept.

WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CLUELESSNESS -- In an effort to cut costs, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced today that the federal government will now publish a list of people that are cleared to fly, instead of the current method of listing people not cleared to fly. The "Do-Fly" list, expected to contain roughly 15 names, will be much easier and less costly to maintain than the existing "Do-Not-Fly" database with over 300 million entries.

"It has become nearly impossible to maintain our current blacklist of known terrorists, suspected terrorists, wannabe terrorists, people who live next door to suspected terrorists, people who live in the same town as terrorists, convicted felons, gun owners, Republicans, drug users, music downloaders, jaywalkers, humor writers, and other potential threats," the DHS explained in a press release issued today. "So instead of keeping a massive blacklist, we're going to simply have a whitelist of people that are allowed to fly. The new list is incredibly short, fitting on a single sheet of paper, so we expect to save millions of dollars with this new approach."

The initiative, code-named APPLEPIE (American Protection Plan - Law Enforcement Personnel Isolating Enemies), is expected to make air travel significantly safer, while reducing lines at airport security checkpoints.

"It's going to be easy. We match your ID to one of the dozen or so people on the Do-Fly List, and you'll be all set to travel," said DHS spokesman Ren Tuhcawp. "If you're not on the list, one of our friendly bouncers will direct you to a website where you can download Form TSA-5239-12-X, allowing you to submit a request to have your status re-evaluated. This will be followed by an extensive background check, anal probe, and series of hazing rituals. If the DHS determines that you are not a potential threat, we will add your name to the Do-Fly List. The process should only take 6-8 years."

So far, the Do-Fly list includes the U.S. President, a handful of Congressmen, and a few high-ranking DHS and military officials. It does not, however, includes any pilots or flight crews.

"The lack of pilots is a known issue that we are working quickly to address," Tuhcawp said. "However, it's a difficult situation because every single pilot in the United States has undergone flight training, the exact same kind of suspicious activity that the 9/11 hijackers pursued. This is not a coincidence. Until we can find pilots who can prove that their flight training was not connected to terrorism in any way, we won't be able to add them to the Do-Fly List. We hope people realize that this inconvenience is a small price to pay to help protect the children."

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