Thousands Of Geeks Working On Time-Travel Machines

Fake News written by James Baughn on Monday, March 21, 2011

from the inject-self-into-history-???-profit! dept.

FUTURE CITY, ILLINOIS -- According to a new survey, the number of time-travel machines under construction has increased 54% in the last year. Geeks from across the world are frantically trying to figure out how to go back in time so they can invent their own Facebook website and become an overnight billionaire.

"After watching 'The Social Network', it was clear what I had to do: go back to 2003 and take Mark Zuckerburg's place," said a wannabe time traveler as he led a tour of the lab in his mom's basement. "I mean, I could've done what he did. Why does he deserve billions of dollars?"

It's a brilliant and cunning plan, except for two glaring details: (a) Nobody has figured out how to send people back in time and (b) If it's possible to go back in time, thousands of other geeks will try the exact same thing.

"Let's assume that you are able to travel to the past, get rid of Zuckerburg, and become a billionaire in your own right," explained a theoretical physicist at Downstate Illinois Mid-Western Institute of Technology (DIMWIT). "What's to stop the next geek from doing the exact same thing and getting rid of you? Then you'll return to being a schmuck while some other geek is living the high life -- until the next iteration of the time paradox, of course, when he's replaced by yet another time-traveling geek."

Indeed, it's entirely possible that this has already happened. The physicist continued: "For all we know, Zuckerburg is merely the latest successful attempt at the problem. He might be time-traveling geek number 10,962 for all we know. I mean, the whole story behind Facebook is kind of suspicious: how could anybody be so damn lucky without having inside knowledge of the future?"

Then again, a physicist at the College of Rural Agriculture & Nanotechnology at Kansas (CRANKS) offers a different interpretation. He argued, "Oh please, always with the time travel paradoxes! We all know that the Multiverse theory is the only answer. Zuckerburg is the Facebook billionaire in this particular branch of the Multiverse, but if you try to go back in time, you'll just create a new branch in which you happen to be the billionaire. We're all Facebook billionaires somewhere in the Multiverse."

"The Multiverse is just a bunch of hand-waving," the first professor from DIMWIT rebutted. "Physicists who study the Multiverse model are just a bunch of low-paid pawns at tiny state universities whose only hope of getting published is to write a story for the National Enquirer under a pseudonym. There can only be one Facebook figurehead in the Universe, and soon -- once I make a few more adjustments on my time machine -- that person will be me! And once I firmly establish myself in the time paradox, then I'll use my billions of dollars to set traps throughout history to stop anybody from the future that tries to come after me!

He quickly added, "Aw crap, I shouldn't have said that last part. Now I'll have to make a special trip to a few minutes ago to make sure this conversation didn't happen. Dammit!"

All of these attempts at building get-rich-quick time-travel devices, however, might be moot. Not so much because time travel is impossible, but because it's entirely possible that Facebook will eventually enslave mankind by distracting everybody with mafia battles, virtual farms, and other shiny things. Once that happens and Zuckerburg achieves world domination, that will set the stage for underground rebels in the 24th Century to fight back against their Zuckerburgian overlords by sending agents back in time to eliminate Facebook from the Universe once and for all.

"I wouldn't want to be the poor geek who happens to be the Facebook founder in that particular iteration of the time paradox. He's going to be toast," explained the chief conspirologist for Humorix. "The whole Facebook phenomenon fits into our Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory of Everything. Wake up people!"

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