U.S. Government To Require Permits For Moving Things Around

Fake News written by James Baughn on Sunday, March 27, 2011

from the stop-the-world-we-all-need-to-get-off dept.

WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CLUELESSNESS -- Following reports that the major earthquake in Japan caused the Earth to shift on its axis, the United States government has proposed regulating the movement of large masses in order to prevent further axis shifts.

"The quake was a real eye-opener for the threat posed by sudden movements of large masses," explained Burrow Krat of the Environmental Protection Agency. "We can't directly stop earthquakes from moving things, but we can stop humans from moving things and causing global axial changes."

Under EPA guidelines published earlier today, any commercial project that involves moving more than 1,000 kilograms (0.000014 Libraries of Congress) will require an environmental impact study, a 30-day public comment period, $1 billion in liability insurance coverage, and a special "Mass Relocation" permit.

Calculations by leading scientists have shown that the magnitude-9.0 Japan earthquake increased the Earth's wobble by 6.7 inches (0.378 Egyptian cubits) while shortening the length of each day by 1.8 microseconds. Previous large earthquakes in Chile and other "Ring of Fire" locations have had a similar, and cumulative, effect.

"I even double-checked my calculations to make sure that I had remembered to carry the '1' and everything," explained geophysicist Dr. Abby Centminded. "These numbers are inconceivable. If these trends continue thanks to future earthquakes and man-made mass movements, then I predict that Japan will drift so far to the east that it will pass California and land in the vicinity of Missouri in about 256 million years. That's practically tomorrow in geologic time. Won't somebody think of the children?"

By restricting the movements of large masses, the EPA hopes to delay the onset of global crustal change.

"The time to act is now to prevent a planetwide catastrophe," Krat said. "Humans are blindly moving things around for the sake of profit without considering the consequences to the planet. This is unacceptable. Every time some evil factory transports a large mass to another location, they are harming the planetary axial balance."

The EPA's guidelines are only voluntary for the time being, but any business that intends to bid on lucrative federal government contracts (i.e. all businesses where the owners have a pulse) must comply with the new requirements. Meanwhile, the EPA is lobbying Congress to create a "cart-and-trade" system that would impose a tax on anybody that trades an object too large to fit into a small cart.

"For too many years, Congress has been complacent in its handling of the threat posed by unwanted continental drift," Dr. Centminded said. "Indeed, some Congressmen from Kansas don't even believe in plate tectonics, instead subscribing to the ridiculous theory of 'Intelligent Drift'. The madness must end now!"

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