Senator Proposes New Farmville Subsidies
Fake News written by on Wednesday, July 27, 2011
WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF CLUELESSNESS -- In yet another attempt to stimulate the economy, U.S. Senator Ernest Fattecat has proposed offering federal subsidies for people to stop participating in Farmville and other pointless Facebook games.
"We've simply got too many people playing Farmville, wasting valuable bandwidth and free time," Fattecat said at a press conference. "If we can encourage people to do something more productive, the American economy will start booming again."
Details of the Fattecat initiative haven't been fully announced yet, but most Capitol Hill observers expect that his program will require creating a vast new federal agency, the Department of Virtual Agriculture.
"These programs are always very dollar-intensive," explained one lobbyist we found lobbying in the Capitol lobby. "First you have to hire a bunch of people to run the agency, then a bunch of people to manage the other people, then a bunch of investigators to make sure the other two groups aren't embezzling money, followed by a fourth group to keep an eye on the investigators. You then need to hire a consulting firm to build a $200 million website."
Rep. Mia Shill, chairwoman of the House Ways & Means of Blowing More Money Committee, has co-sponsored a similar bill in the House. "Too much of America's cognitive abilities are being squandered in Facebook games, Solitaire, and other online time sinks," she said during a fact-finding mission to the Bahamas. "Do the Chinese waste their time on this crap? No, and that's why they're beating us!"
Prospects for passing the bill appear uncertain after a rival senator has proposed a program with the opposite goal. "We should be paying people to use Facebook and Farmville even more," said Sen. Les Clue. "Subsidies are the only way that America can remain competitive at building social networks and engaging in virtual trade. We need bold new leadership to make this happen." He added in hushed tones, "The fact that I own a bunch of stock in Facebook is purely coincidental."
A study by a think tank found that every dollar spent by the federal government on subsidizing social networking would yield $12 for senatorial re-election campaigns. "That's a powerful multiplier effect that we can't ignore," said the study's lead author. "Everybody needs to 'like' this idea."