Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Use Facebook
Fake News written by on Sunday, September 25, 2011
PALO ALTO, CA -- Area resident John Grey does not maintain a Facebook account, a fact he repeatedly points out to real-world friends, family, and co-workers -- as well as coffee shop baristas, Wal-Mart door greeters, and panhandlers he passes on the street.
"I, personally, would rather spend my time doing something useful than login to Facebook," he told a random woman Monday at Moondollars Coffee House after noticing she was glued to her mobile phone posting status updates.
According to Alice Perkins, a co-worker at Bob's Bargain Basement, a thrift store, Grey steers the conversation toward Facebook whenever possible, just so he can mention that he has never set up an account.
"A few days ago, [store owner] Bob "Bargain" Bottenfield was saying his wrists were bothering him," Perkins said. "The second he said that, I knew John would pounce. He was like, 'It sounds like you might suffer from carpal tunnel. I'm really lucky to have avoided that problem. I'm guessing it's because I don't post constant updates to Facebook. In fact, I don't even have an account."
She added, "He always makes sure to read Slashdot, just so he can point out all the terrible upgrades and privacy-invading features that Facebook unveiled in the last hour."
"I'm not an elitist," Grey said. "It's just that I'd much rather watch a TED talk or chuckle at something from The Onion than sit there posting mindless updates to the whole world complaining about climate change or speculating on the progress my stomach is making digesting lunch."
"If I feel the need to share my opinions with peers, I'll craft a carefully worded Letter to the Editor of the local newspaper," he droned. "I certainly wouldn't waste my time wading through status updates about virtual cabbage fields or make-believe mobster battles."
He concluded, "I'm free from the tyranny of Mark Zuckerberg and his Big Brother overlords. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am to be without Facebook."
Despite Grey's absense from the social-networking universe, Facebook has already amassed a dossier on him. After several classmates and ex-girlfriends searched for his name, one of Facebook's privacy-invading features automatically deduced his name, education level, age, and carbonated soda preference (Diet Pepsi).
"We know all about him," boasted Eric Wellorian, who lives in a nearby apartment and has suffered from one of Grey's lectures about the evils of Facebook when they briefly crossed paths near the mailboxes. "I just started working at Facebook, a fact that I've been careful to avoid mentioning in case he goes supernova. It doesn't matter, though. He can run from Facebook, but he can't hide."