Fake News
written by James Baughn
on April 1, 2008
from the yes-i-used-a-thesaurus-for-this dept.
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS -- A study released today by a prestigious think tank suggests that April Fool's Day fabrications are far less likely to fool the public. The culprit? FOX News.
"We're bombarded with fake news and propaganda 365 days a year. Err... make that 366. This is a leap year," explained Lirpa Sloof, chairwoman of the Boston University Laboratory for Learning Superior Holistic Investigative Techniques. "Thanks to FOX News, the White House, and various other mouthpieces, people don't believe anything they see on TV anymore."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on January 23, 2008
from the lots-of-hot-air dept.
HADES -- Sick and tired of hearing various "Bill Gates is Satan" jokes, the Prince of Darkness today issued an edict demanding an end to such friviolities.
"How dare you compare Bill Gates to me!" Satan snarled during a fake press conference from the Fire & Brimstone Briefing Room broadcast live on CSPAN. "Yes, we all know Windows is an evil piece of crap -- and I applaud Bill Gates for his efforts -- but he doesn't even come close to the sheer vileness that I possess!"
Feature
written by James Baughn
on January 4, 2008
from the guaranteed-fake-or-your-electrons-back dept.
[Editor's Note: Every year (give or take a few), Humorix publishes a Year In Preview feature in which we offer predictions for the coming year. We are pleased to announce that these predictions have so far resulted in a fantastic 100% success rate. That's right, not one single prediction has come true. As a fake news publication, we can only hope that this perfect record will continue to hold well into the future.]
January 8 -- After enduring two weeks of constant criticism, Santa Claus finally apologizes for delivering Microsoft Zune players to 3.2 million children on his Very Naughty list.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on December 28, 2007
from the who-needs-knowledge-anyway? dept.
WIKIPEDIA WORLD HEADQUARTERS -- In a bold effort to conserve precious disk space and bandwidth, Wikipedia today announced that 99.9% of English-language articles have been permanently removed.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on December 26, 2007
from the fiuemb;aalk rej fsdm dept.
UPPER PODUNK, SOUTH DAKOTA -- It seemed like a simple experiment. Put a million monkeys in front of a million Linux boxes and see how long it would take for them to generate a Shakesperian play or a useful Perl script.
So far, the project has been a bust. "First, our budget was slashed and we were only able to obtain 12 monkeys," explained scientist Wey Stotime of the University of Northern South Dakota. "And now, after six months of banging away on keyboards and making assorted grunting sounds, our monkeys haven't generated anything worthwhile."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on April 8, 2007
from the coffee-brew-is-too-valuable-to-spew dept.
It's not safe to read the news anymore. One minute you're enjoying a nice beverage at your computer, the next moment you're spewing liquid all over your monitor and keyboard after reading the latest ridiculous and hypocritical motion from The SCO Group.
The problem is called IBEE (Involuntary Beverage Explosion Event) and it strikes an estimated 1,650 keyboards each day, often requiring immediate replacement. With SCO becoming increasingly desperate, the number of such incidents worldwide has increased nearly 35% since this time last year, providing an unexpected lift for keyboard manufacturers.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on April 1, 2007
from the humorix-is-doomed dept.
SACRAMENTO, PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CALIFORNIA -- In a desperate bid to shore up the state's finances, Gubernator Awnuhld Schwarzenegger today announced that all April Fools' Day hoaxes, jokes, parodies, pranks, amusements, and other assorted forms of jocularity are subject to a so-called BULL, or Bogus Unit Laughter License, that must be paid within 15 days.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on April 1, 2007
from the supply-and-demand-mean-nothing dept.
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- Hoping to turn around dismal sales trends for Windows Vista, Microsoft today announced a new edition of the so-called operating system, Windows Vista® Shiny Things Edition(tm), which will feature a $3,950 price tag and "lots of shiny things."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on March 8, 2007
from the how-'bout-them-apples dept.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The idea was simple. Develop the world's largest electronic surveillance system to search for suspicious activities by criminals and terrorists. The resulting system, however, worked a little too well -- it kept finding dubious transactions that it traced back to Congress and the White House.
Now the so-called 'Echelon' system has been temporarily suspended until researchers can develop a way to ignore criminal activities committed by prominent Congressmen, while continuing to invade everybody else's privacy.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on November 5, 2006
from the where-do-you-want-to-go-today? dept.
HADES -- Faced with growing competition from Microsoft in the lucrative soul-buying market, the Prince of Darkness today unveiled a new advertising campaign hoping to lure in more customers and turn the tables on Bill Gates.
"The Novell-Microsoft deal was the final straw," Satan said during a press conference at his underground lair. "Novell should have sold their souls to me, not Microsoft. I can offer much greater rewards than some phony-baloney we-promise-not-to-sue covenant. Just look at The SCO Group: they sold their souls to Microsoft and what do they have to show for it now?"
Fake News From The Future
posted by Justin Morgan
on July 10, 2006
from the a-whole-new-reason-for-abstinence dept.
This pamphlet was found in the Time Travel division of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It is rumored to have fallen through an accidentally-synthesized wormhole.
In today's era of ownership, it is vital that you and your partner have checked your genes for potential violations. Use this guide to help you enjoy a lawsuit-free life and to protect both your own existence and that of your children's children's children.
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