Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 31, 1998
from the emacs-world-domination dept.
Coding has begun on a new operating system code named 'Kitchen Sink'. The new OS will be based entirely on GNU Emacs. One programmer explained, "Since many hackers spend a vast amount of their time in Emacs, why not just make it the operating system?" When asked about the name, he responded, "Well, it has been often said that Emacs has everything except a kitchen sink. Now it will."
One vi advocate said, "What the hell?!?! Those Emacs people are nuts. It seems that even with a programming language, a web browser, and God only knows what else built into their text editor, they're still not satisfied. Now they want it to be an operating system. Hell, even Windows ain't that bloated!"
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 31, 1998
from the linux-beats-nt-again dept.
REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft has issued a recall of over 500,000 Windows NT 4.0 CD-ROMs shipped three weeks ago. "The CDs were altered by a disgruntled Microsoft employee. Right before the CDs were burned, the employee replaced Windows NT with Linux," a spokesman said, adding under his breath, "...that annoying OS made by that Finnish guy who doesn't understand Capitalism."
Apparently the 'disgruntled' employee hacked Linux to fool most users into thinking they were actually using Windows NT. The install program was made to look identical to NT's, including code to make it crash a couple times. The system was designed to automatically boot into X Windows running a modified fvwm95 window manager.
One Microsoft tech support worker said, "Two days ago I received this weird call from a manager who had just installed Windows NT on his computer. He said, 'I think something is wrong here with my computer. I've had it running for over a week, and it hasn't crashed once. Aren't computers supposed to crash regularly?' I knew something was fishy -- NT can't possibly be that stable. Upon further inspection, it was obvious that this wasn't the real thing."
The 'disgruntled' employee was given the pink slip yesterday. Rumor has it he was offered a job at Red Hat. If you have one of the hacked CDs, you can receive a replacement by calling (900) PAY-BILL.
Fake News
written by Peter Neal
on July 30, 1998
from the open-source-highway dept.
This is a reply I typed up to a friend who had sent me that old tired joke about "If Microsoft made cars..."
There'd be a weird car called a Linux-mobile, that was easy to get, but wouldn't be sold by big dealers. You could find it for $50 at Fry's supermarket, get one free from a friend, or have it delivered very slowly through the bathtub faucet, extruded out long and skinny. Hell, you could go out and buy a book on how to drive the Linux-mobile and find the car tucked into the back cover!
If it broke down or needed some work, the best mechanics would be other Linux drivers who just happened to be driving by. Each Linux-mobile would come with a metric ton of tools in the trunk, from the simplest greple-wrench to a big box of network sockets. If you didn't have the tools you needed, you could always get different ones, since they were all free.
If there was something that didn't work quite right in your car, instead of waiting for a car company to offer the next model year three years from now, you could just bum some new and improved parts from your friends.
Linux-mobiles would be a little ugly, a little rough around the edges, and not too popular. The people driving them would look like mechanics. Pretty soon, you'd look like one too. But you wouldn't care so much as you drove past those stranded in the center median. Maybe you'd stop to offer help, but would scratch your head when you notice that their WinCar didn't seem to have a hood to open and look under. Then you'd notice that this car didn't seem to have doors either, and the driver was trapped inside.
Linux-mobiles would require a different key for each person that drove them. Even weirder, they would grow a new steering wheel each time someone new got into the car! What's more, the Linux mobile would happily run for weeks, *continuously*, even making trips on its own with *no* driver. You could relax with your paper while your car went to get groceries.
You wouldn't even have to sit in them to drive them; you could steer them from another car's steering wheel if you wanted to!
While you couldn't drive the Linux-mobile on a few popular tollroads, such as the MSOffice Turnpike, you could drive it a lot more other places: on roads, on dirt trails, over grassy fields, along train tracks, through the sky, and across the sea floor.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 30, 1998
from the need-more-bandwidth dept.
In response to the recent 'Internet Virgins' hoax, Linux guru Eric Roblatt has founded a similar site named www.ourfirstlogin.com. "Seeing as how the ourfirsttime.com hoax garnered so much media attention," Eric comments, "why couldn't this be harnessed for a worthy cause, Linux advocacy?" Our First Login features two computer newbies -- Jim and Amanda -- who have only used Windows 95. The site will feature a day-to-day account of them learning about Linux and then installing it. On the 'Big Day', August 15th, the couple will lose their 'Linux virginity' when they login for the first time in front of a webcam. Eric says he expects 200,000 viewers.
Some industry pundits, particularly Ziff-Davis columnists, hail the site as a hoax. "Ourfirsttime.com was a hoax," says Jessy Burst, "and so is ourfirstlogin.com. The site is run by a former Pennsylvania state systems administrator. He's just mad that he was fired because he didn't have any experience with Windows NT, and now he's taking that frustration out on the world. It's just another Linux advocate hell-bent on World Domination. Excuse me, I have to give a speech at a convention this afternoon about how great Windows NT 5.0 will be."
When asked about Burst's allegations, Eric responded, "What the hell? I've never set foot in Pennsylvania."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 29, 1998
from the mexican-food dept.
An anonymous hacker with the handle "CmdrBurrito" has launched a parody of the Slashdot "News for Nerds" site entitled Dotslash. Dotslash has the motto "Snooze for Slackers. Stuff that Scatters." It has fake news articles and ficticious reader comments. Some of the recent articles include "Bill Gates Wins Powerball Jackpot," "Linux 2.1.666 Released," and "Supercomputer Created from 8088 and Z80 Computers." Rumor has it that "CmdrBurrito" plans to create parodies of other sites, including Linux Weekly News ("Linsux Weakly Snooze"), Freshmeat ("Deadmeat"), and Linux.org ("Linsux.org").
When asked about Dotslash, Slashdot webmaster Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda said, "No problem. I simply posted an article about it on Slashdot, and watched it die from the 'Slashdot Effect.' Six hours later, and it's still offline. I suspect Dotslash is running Windows NT. The mystery 'CmdrBurrito' character is probably a bored Microsoft employee."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 29, 1998
from the hooray-it-wont-run-windows dept.
Calculator manufacturer Texas Instruments started selling its latest graphing calculator model, the TI-99, today. The TI-99 looks like earlier models, but it is immensely more powerful. While older models run on a Zilog Z80 processor and have a proprietary OS, the TI-99 features a 486 processor and the Linux operating system. "We know 486's are obsolete," a TI engineer said. "But we were able to acquire them very cheaply. We made deals with hundred of school districts -- they give us their old computers in exchange for future discounts on TI products. With the lightweight Linux OS, the TI-99 is just as powerful as Pentium-class desktops running Windows 98."
The price for the basic TI-99 model is $299.95. It features 16MB of RAM, a 1 GB hard drive, and a color touch screen. It, of course, has powerful math and graphing software built-in to the Linux OS. More advanced models have a cellular modem, speakers, a microphone (allowing it to be used as a cheap cellular phone), and more RAM and HD space.
Scott Yarlow, a TI-99 beta tester, said, "The TI-99 with cellular modem is cool! While my Calculus teacher is droning on about the Second Derivative Test or some such bunk, I can be surfing the Net and reading the latest headlines at Slashdot and Freshmeat. The best part is that the TI-99 looks so much like my old TI-85 that my teacher doesn't have a clue what I'm doing!"
Another satisfied beta tester said, "While taking an Algebra test at summer school, I was able to post a particularly hard problem to alt.homework.algebra, and receive a solution in less than 10 minutes. I made a 100% on that test, sending my teacher into near hysterics. Thank you, Texas Instruments!"
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 28, 1998
from the cdroms-as-dangerous-weapons dept.
HARRISBURG, PA -- Thousands of Linux advocates gathered at the Pennsylvania state capitol building earlier today. They were protesting the state's recent three year deal with Microsoft to install Windows NT on all state computer systems. "Whatever pointy haired boss made this deal ought to be shot on sight," one protestor exclaimed. "Windows NT is a piece of [expletive] compared to Linux. The taxpayers of Pennsylvania are going to be sorry three years from now when this 'deal' concludes. The state has sold its soul to Satan [Bill Gates]."
Brief hostilities broke out when a group of police officers armed with riot gear descended on the protestors. After the police threatened to use tear gas, the protestors threw thousands of Linux CDs at them. Once the supply of CDs was depleted, the protest became peaceful again. "I saw several policemen pick up Linux CDs and put them in their pockets," one protestor noted.
The protest broke up a few minutes later once it was realized that the state legislature wasn't in session. "We may have wasted our time today," one advocate said, "But we'll be back later." State and Microsoft officials were unavailable for comment at press time. How typical.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 27, 1998
from the taking-advantage-of-y2k dept.
Linux distributor Red Hat has announced plans for a $650,000 ad campaign. The ads will appear on several major newspapers as well as on a few selected websites. "These ads will be targetted towards Windows users who are fed up but aren't aware of any OS alternatives," a Red Hat spokesman said. "We feel that there is a large audience for this."
One of the ads will be a half page spread showing two computers side-by-side: a Wintel and a Linux box. The title asks "Is your operating system ready for the year 2000?" Both computers have a calendar/clock display showing. The Windows box shows "12:00:01AM -- January 1, 1900" while the Linux box shows "12:00:01AM -- January 1, 2000". The tagline at the bottom says "Linux -- a century ahead of the competition."
You can see some of Red Hat's other proposed advertisements at their website.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 27, 1998
from the show-me-linux dept.
LINUX, MO -- The small Missouri town of Linn, county seat of Osage County, annouced yesterday that it will be henceforth called 'Linux'. Mayor Bob Farrow said, "Linn needed something to put it on the map. A few weeks ago my daughter mentioned that she installed Linux on her computer and how great she thought it was. I thought to myself, 'Self, changing the town's name to 'Linux' could be an opportunity to attract attention -- and money -- to our town. We could even hold a Linux Convention at the community center.' So I approached the city council about the idea, and they loved it. The rest is history."
Farrow's daughter is organizing the Linux Linux User Group. She hopes to be able to hold a Linux Convention this fall. "The Linn, er, Linux community center probably won't be big enough, we'll probably have to hold it in nearby Jefferson City," she said.
The mayor does have one reservation. "How the hell do you pronounce Linux?" One of the mayor's contenders in the next election, Mr. Noah Morals, says he will start an ad campaign calling Bob Farrow "the Incumbent Liar of LIE-nucks". Needless to say, the mayor usually pronounces Linux as "LIH-nucks".
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 27, 1998
from the slashdot-strikes-again dept.
Eric S. Raymond said that he is updating the The Jargon File and should distribute a version 4.1.0 next week. Rumor has it that some of the new jargon added to the File may include: - Bluescreen (verb) - To crash or lock-up, esp. in regards to a Microsoft Windows computer. Example usage: "The entire USS Yorktown computer system bluescreened when it tried to divide by zero."
- Slashdot Effect (noun) - The tendency of a site to slow to a crawl after being featured in a Slashdot.org article.
- Slashdot War (noun) - A flame war staged in the comments area of a Slashdot.org article. Usually centers on the KDE/GNOME debate, but Microsoft issues can also spark a War.
- Linux Convert (noun) - A person who previously used DOS/Windows, but now uses Linux almost exclusively. A Convert usually has two hard drive partitions with Windows and Linux, but only boots into Windows to play games.
ESR said, "I was pushed to update the File after receiving an irate email from a reader. He mentioned that an updated File was promised for December 1996. He then accused the Jargon File of being 'vaporware' and even had the gall to say 'You operate too much like Microsoft by putting off release dates!'"
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 27, 1998
from the flame-war-bait dept.
- Lih-nucks
- Lie-nucks
- Not Win-doze
- World Domination
- Lin-doze
- God's OS
- Better Than Microsoft
- Crash-free
- Heaven
- Gates' Worst Nightmare
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 26, 1998
from the denial-of-service-slashdot-style dept.
REDMOND, WA -- The microsoft.com website was offline part of yesterday as a result of the so-called 'Slashdot Effect'. Yesterday morning, Rob Malda (aka CmdrTaco) posted an article on his Slashdot.org "News for Nerds" website. The article linked to a page on the Microsoft website that announced Windows NT 5.0 would probably be delayed until early 2001. Tens of thousands of nerds visited the page and brought the NT-based atbd.microsoft.com website to its knees. The site bluescreened within minutes of the Slashdot posting. The site was back online six hours later. "The microsoft.com site is really speedy now. I bet they scrapped some their NT boxes and installed Linux on them to handle the demand," one anonymous Slashdot regular commented.
Column
written by Jesse Burst
on July 25, 1998
from the oh-my-god-a-fud-free-editorial dept.
A few months ago I wrote an article entitled "Could You Get Fired for Choosing Linux?" I've regretted it ever since. I've been called everything from a "Microserf" to a... well, I can't repeat that here. Within hours of publishing that article, my mailbox had 2,000+ message in it, all from Linux advocates bent on World Domination. And I thought Amiga users were bad.
That wasn't the worst of it, though. Now it seems I was wrong. Dead Wrong. Last week I found out that an employee was fired for not choosing Linux.
Scott Barker, IT employee at a Proctor & Big Gamble factory in Cincinatti, OH was in charge of upgrading the company's old mainframes to make them Y2K complaint. After attending a Microsoft-sponsored workshop, he made a deal with Microsoft to upgrade the systems to Windows NT 4.0 at a 15% discount. The total cost was over $1.5 million for software alone.
Two months later Scott's boss reads about Linux in an InfoWorld article. "I did a double take, spilling my coffee in the process, after reading that Linux is just as powerful as NT but virtually free," the boss, Matt Kiyuck, said. "I realized that we could have saved millions of dollars in new software and hardware if we had gone with Linux instead of NT. Needless to say, Scott Barker received a pink slip the next day."
So, it seems I was wrong about this. Yes, Virginia, you can get fired for choosing Microsoft.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 25, 1998
from the first-ever-linux-fatality dept.
KENNETT, MO -- For two years Doug Carter toiled away in his basement computer lab working on his own 'Dougnix' operating system. Apparently he was sick of Windows 95 so he decided to create his own OS, based loosely on Unix. He had developed his own 'DougUI' window manager, Doug++ compiler, DougFS filesystem, and other integrated tools.
All was going well until last week when he hooked his computer up to the Internet for the first time. It was then that he stumbled on to www.linux.org. Reports are sketchy about what happened next. We do know he committed suicide days after, leaving behind a rambling suicide note. Part of the note says:
"I've wasted the past two years of my life... Wasted... Gone... Forever... Never return to. [illegible] Why did I bother creating my own OS... when Linux is exactly what I needed!?!?!?! If I had only known about Linux! Why someone didn't tell me? [illegible] Wasted! Aggghhh!" [The rest of the note is filled with incomprehensible assembly language ramblings.]
"If only Linux had better marketing than Microsoft, this tragedy never would have occurred," Doug's brother said.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 25, 1998
from the jeff-foxworthy dept.
Red Neck Computers, Inc., of Chattafoocheeble, Alabama, starting shipping version 1.0 CD-ROMs of its new Red Neck Linux distribution yesterday. "We feel that RNL is a major step forward in bringing cheap, powerful, easy-to-use software to the millions of technophobes living in the South," Sandy Watkins, PR manager for Red Neck said in a press release.
RNL features:
- The X Winder System
- DukesOfHazzard command line shell
- Netscape 4 with preset bookmarks to such sites as The Big Show, How to Attract Your Cousins, Bubba's Farm Report, Branson.net, The Stag Beer Homepage, 101 Recipes for BBQ Sauce, Dukes of Hazzard Fan Club, and the Hee Haw Syndication TV Schedule.
- Deer Hunter, Bass Fishing, and Civil War General games
- Red++ compiler and assorted tools
- Daisy Duke pin-up preset for root winder
- 2 CD-ROMs full of other software applications from the Redsite Archives.
RNL should be available at Wal-Mart stores across the South soon. It will come bundled with a six pack of Stag or a tub of BBQ sauce for the suggested retail price of $29.95.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 25, 1998
from the card-game-addiction dept.
Humorix source "Mr. X" writes, "I've just heard a rumor that Microsoft plans to port versions of Solitaire, FreeCell, and MineSweeper to Linux. They would be available from the MS website. I don't know about you, but I'm worried about this development. Millions of Windoze users waste several hours a day playing Solitaire. If this were to spread to Linux... ugh, new kernel and software releases would never happen because all the developers would be trying to beat Solitaire. I guess this explains why MS software is always late and half-baked."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on July 25, 1998
from the software-without-a-purpose dept.
Yet another command line shell has been created. Mush, the Microsoft User SHell, simulates the DOS and Windows environment in Linux. Its developers are a group of ex-Windows users. "We want to provide a CLI that eases the transition from DOS/Windows to Linux," the project head said.
Former DOS users will be right at home with Mush's familiar C:\> prompt. DOS commands work, including COPY, FORMAT, DEL, and UPGRADE. Some caveats to the Mush shell, however, include the 8.3 filename limitation, limited text editing capabilities, numerous security holes for viruses to exploit, and meaningless error messages such as "Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue." One developer said, "We left these bugs issues in Mush because we wanted to simulate DOS as faithfully as possible."
Mush 0.1 can be downloaded from http://www.microserfs.com/projects/mush. It is 21 MB in size.
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