Fake News
written by James Baughn
on August 28, 1998
from the transmeta-mystery dept.
In response to the popular Secret Diary of Bill Gates website, a Linux enthusiast named "Linus T." has unleashed a secret diary of the beloved hacker. The webmaster says, "The guy who maintains the Bill G. diary site sold a book and made a lot of money. I want some of that!"
Some excerpts from the Secret Diary website:
"...I went to Barnes & Noble today and saw two new books about Linux. Yes!"
"...Linux Standards Association? Here I thought Microsoft was evil..."
"I saw some media people dumpster diving behind Transmeta's offices. They won't find anything there except some old pizza boxes. Ha ha! Transmeta's product is even more tightly guarded than the Windows source code. Of course, if they'd just think about it, they'd realize what we are doing. It's so obvious..."
"What's this joke on the Segfault site about me downloading myself into energy? And a Missouri town changing its name to 'Linux'? Those Segfault writers are crazy..."
"I overheard an argument about how to pronounce Linux. What a waste of time. Everyone knows that Linux is pronounced 'Not Windows'..."
"As fast as new kernels get released, it's a wonder Linux doesn't include a kitchen sink yet..."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on August 19, 1998
from the frontal-lobotomies-are-fun dept.
Last week Humorix reported that sources speculated about a possible Microsoft acquisition of Slashdot. Our sources were wrong. Microsoft has no intention of acquiring Slashdot or other related sites.
In related news, Humorix editor James Baughn spent the last weekend attending a Microsoft "re-education" camp. "I love Big Brother Bill," are the only words that can be coaxed out of him. Unconfirmed rumors indicate that James may have been an involuntary beta tester for Microsoft's new ActiveLobotomyTM 98 product, to be released in 2001.
Fake News
written by David Finton
on August 18, 1998
from the linux-and-bloatware-dont-mix dept.
Today, when Linus Torvalds released yet another kernel today, one Linux user noticed something rather surprising.
"I typed 'ls' to list the contents for the 2.1 kernel FTP directory, and it suddenly occured to me that the size of the 'ls' command output actually exceeded the size of the kernel itself!" said Tux, a fat penguin who spends his time running at people at speeds in excess of 100mph (particularly at IT upper management who never see him coming) and eating raw fish.
Rumors of the overly huge 'ls' command output at ftp.kernel.org in the Linux 2.1 directory were confirmed by outside sources (the 2 of them that could log onto the FTP server to begin with, that is). The site administrator confirmed that the 'ls' command accounts for over 93% of the output of the FTP server, while a scant 6% was the result of actual kernel downloading. 0.000004% of FTP downloads were people downloading the kernel patches.
As a result of this new development, a new directory has been created at the kernel headquarters. This new directory will be devoted to patches to the 'ls' command output as new kernels are released and their version numbers rise above the assumed number of protons in the known universe. Users are encouraged to download these patches if they want to find out what's in the 2.1 kernel directory.
When asked if he would use the patches instead of typing 'ls' directly, Tux the penguin burped loudly and patted his stomach contentedly. He never did answer our question, which is just as well, because his breath stank like raw fish.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on August 14, 1998
from the you-will-be-assimilated dept.
REDMOND, WA -- An anonymous source tells Humorix that a Microsoft acquisition of the "News for Nerds" Slashdot.org website is possible in the near future. The source notes, "Microsoft controls most major media outlets. But it doesn't control Slashdot, which is fast becoming an alternative news site. Bill doesn't like alternatives."
The source adds, "Slashdot will become part of the Microsoft Network and will be renamed Microdot: 'News for Serfs. Stuff that Matters to Bill." Another anonymous source suggests that Microsoft may be interested in acquiring other prominent websites that focus on non-Microsoft software. "Linux.org and freshmeat.net could be targets for Microsoft assimilation," the source speculates.
Some industry analysts are skeptical. "Slashdot, running on Linux, has enough trouble keeping up with demand. If Microsoft were to move it to MSN, running Windows NT, the site would never be accessible. People would start calling it Crashdot."
Microsoft was unavailable for comment at press time. We didn't expect them to be.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on August 13, 1998
from the lets-all-worship-linus dept.
SAN JOSE, CA -- The first sanctuary for the new Church of Linux opened today in Silicon Valley. Church founders celebrated by passing out Linux CDs to bystanders and by roasting Windows 98 CDs on a portable BBQ grill. "This is a milestone in computing history," one observer noted.
The Church of Linux has received official non-profit status from the State of California. It is now a recognized religion. "We founded the CoL because, well, we think Linus Torvalds is God," a CoL members said. "Who else could write such heavenly code? We are currently writing an official Bible; right now we are endorsing 'The Cathedral and the Bazaar' as an interrim manifesto."
When asked what beliefs the CoL represented, one member wearing a t-shirt with a large penguin logo said: "Simple. Linus is God. Bill is Satan. Writing closed source software is a sin. Any questions?"
Some industry analysts are skeptical about the Church of Linux. Jessie Burst, Ziff-Slavis writer, wrote in today's AnchorTable column: "These [Linux] people are nuts. Everyone knows that the only true path to salvation is through One Microsoft Way..." John Snorvak, PC Weak columnist added, "A religion based on an OS? Here I've been thinking Amiga users were the strange ones. Shows how little I know."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on August 12, 1998
from the boycott-microsoft-instead dept.
CHATTAFOOCHEEBLE, GA -- Leaders of the Southern Baptists voted earlier today to boycott Linux because of its "offensive" and "indecent" command line interface. "The programmers of Linux are perverts," one of the boycott supporters commented. "Commands like mount, finger, and startx are highly suggestive, offensive, and just plain sick."
Another supporter: "My son was able to execute the following string of commands under Linux: touch, finger, mount, make love, gasp, yes, umount, sleep. Any OS that allows this kind of perversity is obviously a tool of Satan. Linus Torvalds is the anti-Christ."
Most people disagree with the boycott, however. "Linux isn't a tool of Satan, Windows is," a former Southern Baptist member said. "The whole 'Start Menu' theme is very suggestive. 'Start Me Up' as the Win95 theme song? If that's not indecent, I don't know what is!" Another dissenter: "First it was Disney, and now Linux. What the fsck is wrong with these people?!?! The only things that should be boycotted are Microsoft and the Southern Baptists."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on August 11, 1998
from the scraping-the-bottom-of-the-barrel dept.
Two weeks ago Ty released a 'Tux the Penguin' Beanie Baby. Sales of the stuffed toy have exceeded expectations. All 100,000 of them have been sold, and it will be another week before more can be produced and distributed. Tux is now the one of the most valuable Beanie Babies, with some stores selling remaining ones for over $500.
Tux's strong sales constrast sharply with Ty's other computer-related Beanie Baby, 'Billy the Billionaire'. "Billy's sales are dismal. Except for the 2,000 that Bill Gates bought for himself and his daughter Jennifer, Billy has been a failure. People just aren't responsive to toys that represent greedy, capitalistic billionaires with bad haircuts," a member of the Church of Beanie Baby Collecting said.
Ty is considering releasing other Beanie Babies similar to Tux. Some possibities include 'Steve the Apple Worm' and 'Wilbur the Gimp'. "Computer-related Beanie Babies are selling extremely well," a Ty spokesman said. "I don't understand why people are obsessed with these stupid stuffed toys. But as long as they're making me lots of money, I don't care! Oops... Please don't quote me on that."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on August 10, 1998
from the linux-beats-nt-again dept.
SILICON VALLEY, CA -- Attendees at the Microsoft ActiveDemo Conference held this week in San Jose were greeted by a pleasant surprise yesterday: Linux. Somehow a group of Linux enthusiasts were able to replace a Windows NT box with a Linux box right before the "ActiveDemo" of Windows NT 5 beta. "I have no clue how they were able to pull off this prank," a Microserf spokesman said. "Rest assured, Microsoft will do everything to investigate and prosecute the Linux nuts who did this. Our bottom line must be protected."
Bill Gates said, "I was showing off the new features in Windows NT 5 when I noticed something odd about the demo computer. It didn't crash. Plus, the font used on the screen wasn't MS San Serif -- trust me, I know. My suspicions were confirmed when, instead of the "Flying Windows" screensaver, a "Don't Fear the Penguins" screensaver appeared. The audience laughed and applauded for five straight minutes. 'Linux rules!' a group yelled. It was so embarrasing -- even more so than the Windows 98 demo crash and the cream pie incident."
One attendee said, "Wow! This Linux is cool -- it didn't crash once during the entire demo! I'd like to see NT do that." Another asked, "You guys got any Linux CDs? I want one. Forget about vaporware NT." Yet another remarked, "I didn't know it was possible to hack Linux to make it look like NT. I can install Linux on my company's computers without my boss knowing! Thank you, Linus Torvalds!"
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on August 9, 1998
from the adult-beverage dept.
Yesterday, Red Hat introduced an 'open source' beer called Red Brew. The recipes for making the beer are available for free over the Net, and microbrewery kits are available at low cost from Red Hat. Says a Red Hat spokesman, "With the proliferation of free (open source) software, it was only a matter of time before open source beer became reality. After all, the only thing hackers like more than free software is free beer!"
Following the Red Hat annoucement, other companies are racing to launch their own beer 'distribution'. Caldera is developing an OpenBrew beer. Meanwhile, Patrick Volkerding is working on a SlackBeer distribution, and GNU/DebianBrew is expected soon. "With all the beer distributions coming soon, microbrewers will have plenty of options to choose from," the webmaster of the newly-formed opensourcebeer.org website said.
Traditional breweries and beer distributors are not thrilled about open source beer. "This is ludicrous! People want beer that comes from time-tested, secret recipes -- not beer from recipes invented overnight! Open source is a fad," a spokesman for Buddwizzer Beer, Inc. said. In addition, other beverage distributors are nervous. "First open source beer, and soon open source soft drinks! Before we know it, we'll have RedCoke and SlackPepsi! This open source plague must be stopped before it eats into our bottom line! Don't quote me on that last sentence," the CEO of Croak-a-Cola said.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on August 8, 1998
from the nerds-rule-the-world dept.
A group of hackers plans to create a 'Nerdzilla' browser using the Mozilla source code. "We plan to have an alpha release next month," a Nerdzilla programmer said. "Nerdzilla is a browser for nerds. If you read Slashdot or Humorix on a regular basis, Nerdzilla is for you."
Features planned for Nerdzilla include: - Slashdot BarTM: Nerdzilla will have a Slashdot Bar, which will have one-click access to the latest headlines, in addition to a Slashdot and Everything search box. Users can customize this to include headlines and searches from other sites, including Freshmeat and Humorix.
- FUDMeterTM: Nerdzilla will use sophisticated AI technology to detect FUD, spin, and hype. If detected, the Nerdzilla throbber will change to an animation of Bill Gates being hit by a cream pie (this can be customized).
- ThrobberMaticTM: The Nerdzilla throbber will be customizable so it reflects the current situation. For instance, if you load a microsoft.com page, the throbber will change to the Bill-Gates-of-Borg picture. If you load a KDE or GNOME page, the throbber will change to a animation of two people throwing flames at eachother. If a page contains an ActiveX applet, the throbber changes to an animation of a nuclear mushroom cloud, along with the caption "RadioActiveX".
- Ad-Be-GoneTM: JavaScript pop-ups, scrolling message bars, and other annoying advertising vehicles can be turned off. This has been the most requested and anticipated feature of Nerdzilla.
- WhoNeedsYahoo?TM: Nerdzilla will automatically add and categorize all links referenced on Slashdot, Freshmeat, and other sites to the bookmarks file.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on August 7, 1998
from the big-sale-on-asbestos-suits dept.
Because of the recent GNOME vs. KDE flame wars happening on Slashdot, Usenet, and various mailing lists, Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda has launched a companion site to Slashdot called flame-a-thon.org. "I'm really getting sick of the mindless drivel being spouted everytime KDE or GNOME is mentioned," CmdrTaco explains, "That's why I've programmed Flame-a-Thon. It's a forum designed solely for flame wars. Now when somebody tries to start a flame war on Slashdot or another forum, someone can simply post 'Take your crap to flame-a-thon.org' and be done with it."
Flame-a-thon.org is run off a different server from Slashdot. It's hosted on a Alpha box running Debian Linux and Apache connected to the Net with three T3 lines. "Flame-a-thon has better connectivity than Slashdot," CmdrTaco chuckles, "But it needs it. Only a powerful Linux box can handle the load from flame wars where 500 message might be posted in under 10 minutes. What the Net needs now is a Microsoft-Bash-a-Thon website."
One Slashdot reader wasn't too enthusiastic about flame-a-thon. He commented on Slashdot, "This is ludicrous. Flame-a-thon is a joke. Maybe it should be featured on the Humorix site." Within minutes a flame war erupted in the Slashdot comments area. "This is very ironic," one anonymous poster observed.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on August 4, 1998
from the more-fun-than-quake dept.
MicroBashers, a group of Linux hackers, has created its first Linux game, Microsoft Simulator. "It's the best game ever written for Linux," one MicroBasher brags. "Surely this game will entice millions of Windoze users to switch to Linux."
Well, maybe not, but MSSIM is still a cool game. The game comes in several versions, including a console version (using SVGALib), an X version, and a Java version. All are available from the MicroBashers website. MSSIM lets ordinary Linux users play the part of Bill Gates (or another Microsoft corporate weasel) and make day-to-day decisions regarding the software monopoly. Players can initiate hostile takeovers, announce vaporware products, steal ideas from rivals ("innovate"), insert code in Microsoft programs to render competitors' software unusable, hire good employees from rivals, and more. There's even an interactive Senate Hearing Mode where you present arguments defending Microsoft while Orrin Hatch, Ralph Nader, Janet Reno, and others attack you.
MSSIM is released under the GPL. "We plan on selling a MSSIM Deluxe game in the coming months for $19.95," a MicroBasher noted. "MSSIM was actually not our original idea," the MicroBasher head programmer explains. "We found an old QuickBASIC version (how ironic!) sitting in an old software archive. It had the source code, which we were able to easily convert to C. We added a few improvements, and this is the final result. We're very happy about this."
Microsoft was unavailable for comment, as usual. There is some speculation that Microsoft plans to file a lawsuit against MicroBashers for, in the words of an anonymous source, "Distributing a game critcal of Microsoft on the Internet, something Microsoft 'invented'."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on August 3, 1998
from the fear-the-penguin dept.
BRISTOL, ENGLAND -- Last year a group of Linux enthusiasts pooled their money to adopt a penguin at the Bristol Zoo for Linus Torvalds. Yesterday, Tux, the penguin, escaped from the zoo. "Since our Windows NT system crashed," a zookeeper explains, "we were busy trying to get it back online. We didn't pay any attention to the zoo animals. That's when Tux escaped. I've never seen anything like this."
Somehow Tux was able to escape from the penguin area, get past the front gate, and waddle half a mile down the street. He was spotted at a Bristol computer store. The owner said, "I was talking with a customer about Windows 98 installation problems when the automatic doors opened. I did a double take when I saw a penguin waddle over to the Productivity section in the back. I swear, the penguin knocked a Windows 98 box to the floor, and started jumping on it violently! He then picked up a Red Hat Linux box and started to waddle out of the store! With the help of several customers we were able to confine the penguin until the police and animal control people arrived."
Tux was returned to the zoo shortly after. Rumor has it the zoo is considering offering a job to the penguin managing the computer system. "This penguin is much smarter than the marketdroid who convinced the zoo to 'upgrade' to Windows NT," an anonymous zookeeper commented.
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