Fake News
written by James Baughn
on September 30, 1998
from the door-to-door-linux dept.
The Girl Scouts announced today that they will start to sell Linux CD-ROMs in addition to the traditional cookies. A spokesman for the organization said, "Cookie sales are slumping and the cookie manufacturers are constantly nagging us for a larger share of the profits. Demand for Linux, on the other hand, is increasing. Plus, we can acquire Linux CDs for almost nothing. Fund raising will never be the same again."
Starting next month, Girl Scouts will begin door-to-door sales, asking residents, "Would you like an operating system that doesn't crash? It's only $5, or $30 if you buy a book to go with it." With the increasing dissatisfaction with Windows and the increasing awareness of Linux and open source software, the Girl Scouts expect sales to be strong.
Other organizations are eyeing Linux as a possible fundraising venture. One PBS station in California is giving away complementary Linux CDs to all viewers who send in donations. Donations to the station have tripled over the last month, prompting the station manager to announce, "Finally! We can now afford to show decent programming for a change! Thank you, Linus Torvalds."
In a related story, one breakfast cereal maker is offering free Linux CDs in selected boxes. A spokesman said, "A few months ago we inked a deal with Microsoft to provide free Internet Explorer 4.0 CDs in our boxes. In short, consumer reaction to the IE offer was horrible. Sales actually dropped. We've cancelled that promotion and are now offering free Linux CDs in selected boxes (i.e. the ones that are more expensive). Initial reaction has been very strong. In the future we may offer a new cereal under the 'Tux the Penguin' brand."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on September 27, 1998
from the no-more-slashdot-outtages-please dept.
Thousands of nerds breathed a little easier late Friday evening when Slashdot went back online. "That was too close to call," one Dothead commented. "I don't think I could've taken too many more hours of Slashdot downtime." Two groups of Dotheads, never wanting to live through the same crisis again, have presented plans to prevent future Slashdot outtages.
The first plan involves the new SLASH (SLASH Locates Accumulated Slashdot Hypertext) Protocol. Under this plan, Dotheads will download a SLASH client (dubbed Slashzilla) that displays the latest Slashdot headlines when the user is online. SLASH will employ sophisticated compression technology that could, in theory, produce compression ratios over 95%. Slashdot is filled with repitition that is very compressible. After all, most comments fall into certain categories: - "First comment!"
- "First comment posters should be sent to Redmond!"
- "[Insert ZDNet FUD columnist here] sucks" (or, "is on the Microsoft payroll!")
- "Microsoft is evil!"
- "The quality of Slashdot is going downhill!"
- "I'm an Anonymous Coward because I've lost my password"
- "You suck!"
- "The author of this article sucks!"
- "KDE sucks because of the Qt library!"
...ad nauseum...
In addition, many of the articles posted to Slashdot are similar: - "Another ZDNet FUD article"
- "Cringely writes another great Linux article"
- "So-and-so Magazine mentions Linux"
- "More Transmeta rumors"
- "American Computers claims to have invented a time travel"
- "Another Microsoft dirty trick exposed"
- "Linux 2.0.36 patch 145 released"
- "RMS' latest initiative"
- "Windowmaker changes name to TrademarksSuck"
- "Wednesday's Quickies"
- "Themes.org Update"
- "So-and-so product changes its license"
- "New Windows security hole/bug discovered"
...ad infinitum...
"It should be pretty obvious that SLASH can produce tremendous savings in bandwidth by making use of repitition," a SLASH proponent explained. "This should help make Slashdot more reliable and allow nerds to get their fixes even faster. This is just so cool."
The second plan employs Usenet to distribute Slashdot articles and comments. Under this plan, dubbed "UseDot", a new Usenet hierarchy would be created for Slashdot, slash. Articles would be posted to the guarded slash.get.your.fix group. Discussion would take place in a variety of groups, including: slash.first.comment, slash.you.suck.suck.suck, slash.i-hate.jesse.berst, slash.actual.useful.discussion.yeah.right, slash.evil.empire.bashing, slash.flame.war.get.your.asbestos.suit.ready, and others. Since Usenet is de-centralized, nerds would no longer have to worry about slashdot.org crashing.
Wesley Crusher Rob Malda was unavailable for comment at press time.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on September 25, 1998
from the it-is-NOT-the-end-of-the-world dept.
Nerds everywhere are panicking over the recent Slashdot outtage. Experts fear the worst as thousands of Slashdot addicts begin to suffer withdrawl symptoms. "This could get real ugly," one psychologist warns. "Tens of thousands of nerds are desperate. I don't want to think about what might happen."
Consequences of Slashdot's downtime are already becoming visible. Depressed Linux hackers aren't programming. A GNOME contributor said, "I just can't think about programming. All I can think is 'Slashdot... Slashdot... Please Rob Malda, get Slashdot online soon... I need my fix of Stuff That Matters right now!'" Kernel development and other projects have come to a grinding halt.
In addition, traffic on the Internet has increased exponentially. "Tens of thousands of nerds are sitting in front of their terminals hitting the Reload button on their browser, hoping and praying that they might finally connect to Slashdot," one pundit notes. "I've never seen anything like this. The Starr Report was a drop in the bucket compared to this. Let's just hope Slashdot goes back online before the Internet collapses."
People suffering from Slashdot withdrawl symptoms should contact the Slashdot Addicts Support Group. The founder of the group announced, "These are hard times for us all. If we can pull together, maybe we can make it until such time that Slashdot is back online. Maybe. Okay, maybe not. PANIC!!!!!"
Some Slashdot regulars view the outtage as a blessing. "I went outside for the first time in six months," one Dothead acknowledges. "I just now found out that the house across the street from me has been bulldozed to make room for a ten story apartment! This has been a real eye-opening experience for me." Another Slashdot addict confessed, "It took several minutes for my eyes to get adjusted to the bright sunshine outside. The only rays I've been getting lately are from my CRT as I browse Slashdot. I can't believe how much time I've wasted reading 'first comment!' posts and petty flame wars. Wow!"
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on September 21, 1998
from the microsoft-visicalc-lotus-excel dept.
Richard M. Stallman doesn't want you to say "Windows" anymore. He is now advocating that people call this OS by its real name: Microsoft-Xerox-Apple-Windows. This proclamation comes on the heels of his controversial stand that Linux should be called GNU/Linux. RMS explained in a Usenet posting, "Calling Microsoft's OS 'Windows' is a grave inaccuracy. Xerox and Apple both contributed significant ideas and innovations to this OS. Why should Microsoft get all the credit?"
RMS also hinted that people shouldn't refer to Microsoft's web browser as IE. "It should really be called Microsoft-Spyglass-Mosaic-Internet-Explorer. Again, how much credit does Microsoft really deserve for this product? Much of the base code was licensed from Spyglass."
Many industry pundits are less than thrilled about RMS' proclamation. The editor of Windows Magazine exclaimed, "What?!?! Yeah, we'll rename our magazine Microsoft-Xerox-Apple-Windows Magazine. That just rolls off the tongue!" A Ziff-Davis columnist noted, "Think of all the wasted space this would cause. If we spelled out everything like this, we'd have headlines like, 'Microsoft Releases Service Pack 5 for Microsoft-Xerox-Apple-Windows New Technology 4.0' Clearly this is unacceptable."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on September 13, 1998
from the bill-admits-linux-exists dept.
Sources have provided Humorix with internal Microsoft e-mails about an upcoming anti-Linux FUD campaign. The campaign, code-named "Penguin Killer", involves spreading rumors, lies, and misconceptions about Linux to the public while continuing the Windows NT 5.0 vaporware strategy. One particularly revealing e-mail obtained by Humorix is quoted below.
Subject: Operation Penguin Killer
From: Eric Dobinzky <dobinzky@microsoft.com>
To: Bill Gates <realbill@microsoft.com>
CC: Steve Ballmer <steveb@microsoft.com>
Date: August 15, 1998
Emperor Gates --
The anti-Linux FUD campaign "Operation Penguin Killer" is underway. Ballmer has already been briefed on his upcoming duties. In summary, here is the revised schedule of events:
1. Early September - Ballmer mentions Linux and open source software at upcoming publishers' conference. He will say that "open source is not beneficial to consumers".
2. Mid-September - Distribute press release about how Microsoft is "considering" releasing "some" source code to NT to the public. Be vague about when, how, or how much. Employ standard vaporware strategy - MS has no intention of releasing the most valuable intellectual property in the world (Windows) to the public.
3. Late September - Begin "Astroturf 2" program. Spread made-up Linux horror stories. Harp on "lack of support" and "security through obscurity" FUD.
4. Early October - Secretly sponsor "Linux Boycott Campaign". Begin rallying Microsoft "partners" and "friends" against the evil OS (Linux) that could harm their bottom line. Focus on Stallman, Stallman, Stallman! Tell them Linux will suck up all their profits.
5. October/November - Keep low profile during vigilante DOJ anti-trust trial; continue to influence media (especially Ziff-Davis and our friend Jesse Berst) about how crappy Linux is, also lie about NT5 release date (which is really late 2002, but no one has to know that).
6. November - Infilitrate Linux/open source advocate's mailing lists, forums (i.e. Slashdot.org), meeting places, etc. Spread rumors about serious Linux security holes and bugs. Resurrect "Linux Standards Association"; attempt to split Linux/OSS community over trivial matters (i.e. Rehash GNOME vs. KDE controversy).
7. December - Slowly begin to acquire companies and technologies related to Unix/Linux and open source. O'Reilly, Caldera, Transmeta, Informix, etc. are all targets. Try to keep low profile during acquisitions.
8. January - Begin making "calls" to ISPs who host Linux-related sites. If can't intimidate, sue. If can't sue, acquire.
9. February - Announce interrim NT 4.5 release (codenamed "East St. Louis"); hype, hype, hype it! (NT 4.5 is the same as 4.0 except for a few added service packs) Launch largest ad campaign since Win95. Leave no chance for media to mention Linux at all.
10. Rest of 1999 - Continue above steps, intensify and redouble efforts as needed.
This plan can't fail. Remember that a similar plan (code-named "Big Blue Sadness") destroyed OS/2. While Penguin Killer could be speeded up, it's best to keep a low profile during the DOJ trial. After all, our party line is that Windows isn't a monopoly because of alternatives like Linux (yeah, right!). After the trial is over we'll attack Linux without hesitation. This is going to be fun, Bill!
----
Eric Dobinzky
Vice President of Marketing
P.S. The microsoft.com e-mail servers seem to be acting up again. If you can't get through to me, try calling me at [withheld].
Microsoft and Linus Torvalds were unavailable for comment at press time.
Fake News
written by Dave Finton
on September 12, 1998
from the who-needs-nuclear-weapons? dept.
Today at a small unknown airport, the death toll continues to rise as reports of the aftermath of what is known as the greatest tragedy to befall the software world continue to roll in.
Surviving witnesses report that they saw a bearded man in a wierd robe carrying an odd-looking scepter walked into the airport lobby. He stopped in the middle of the crowded room and started preaching the benefits of publicly developed software to the gathering crowd. Unfortunately, one of the people in that crowd was none other than Bill Gates, who was reported to be looking "slightly miffed".
The recounting of the ensuing events are scetchy, but witnesses say that the bearded man stopped his speech in mid-sentence when he spotted the renowned billionare, and loudly screamed "YOU!", pointing his finger at Bill Gates. He then raised his scepter before the fleeing crowd, where a blue halo of gathering energy started appearing. When the energy reached a certain threshold, a lightning bolt sprang forth towards Mr. Gates.
Gates, being quick to react, pressed a button on his wristwatch, and a force field envoloped around him, protecting him from the lightning bolt. Seconds later, the force field flickered out and died, reportedly because his wristwatch blue screened. Bill Gates then ran towards Richard Stallman with his hands outstretched to strangle the MIT graduate. When they made contact, the resulting explosion killed nearly everyone nearby, leveled the airport, and knocked out the power in 27 states and Canada.
Scientists, while still looking at possible reasons for this tragedy, initially theorized that the explosion was a textbook matter-antimatter release of energy. "This is too obvious to ignore. Bill Gates and Richard Stallman are opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to software philosophy. It comes to us as no surprise that their meeting would result in this kind of calamity," said one scientist.
Microsoft downplayed the incident in its usual smug manner. "Bill Gates was never an important person in our organization," said Steve Ballmer, now CEO of Microsoft and the new Lord of the Realms. "This will not affect Microsoft's business plan now or in the future." Ballmer then pressed a button that instantly reprogrammed all of Microsoft's stockholders into believing Bill Gates never existed, and Microsoft stock reached an all-time high. [Who is this Bill Gates person the reporter keeps talking about, anyways? -Ed.]
Eric S. Raymond, long-time friend and occasional foe of Richard Stallman, said "We in the Linux community will miss Richard immensely. He was always fond of saying, 'Think free speech, not free beer'. So tonight we'll be commemerating him by giving away free beer tonight at the Linux Pavillion.
Government athorities are hell-bent on keeping this tragedy from happening again, so they are working at keeping prominent figures from ever meeting each other. These figures include Jesse Burst and Rob Malda, members of the LSA and many Slashdot readers, and Nicholas Petreley and that guy who writes those damned @lex columns.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on September 9, 1998
from the pigs-are-flying dept.
REDMOND, WA -- In an unprecedented move, Microsoft refrained from acquiring any rival companies for a full week. "I can't believe it," one industry analyst noted. "This is the first time in years that I haven't read any headlines about Microsoft acquiring something."
The lack of Microsoft assimilation this week left a vacuum in computer industry publications. "Microsoft acquisition stories make up 10% of our headlines," an editor at Ziff-Slavis said. "We had to scramble to fill this void. We ran some controversial Jessie Burst columns instead, hoping that we could recoup ad revenue from people reading all the flames in the Talk Back forums. Jessie Burst forums account for 15% of our total ad revenue."
InfoPlanet also faced a small crisis in filling its headlines. "We were so desperate for news that we ran a story about Mark McGwire. Since the groundskeeper who caught home run 62 uses Linux at home, we were able to justify this as computer news. Sort of. Okay, maybe not."
Industry pundits are at a loss to explain the cease in Microsoft acquisitions. "They can't innovate products by themselves. They have to acquire ideas from other companies. If Microsoft doesn't start assimilating some more companies soon, they could be in big trouble," Bob Y. Cringely said. Another pundit observed, "Bill must be on vacation or something. This can't be right. Maybe Microsoft is worried about the upcoming anti-trust court case? I'm surprised Microsoft hasn't acquired a couple of Seattle law firms yet."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on September 1, 1998
from the follow-the-twelve-step-program dept.
A group of recovering Dotheads have formed the Slashdot Addicts Support Group. The founder of the group said, "Yes, I'm a Dothead! And frankly, this addiction has had a negative impact on my life. At one point it was so bad that I would get the shakes if I hadn't visited Slashdot within the past hour. I nearly failed my CS class because I was always busy reading the latest Slashdot headlines instead of doing my programming labs. Thankfully I am now recovering and I am offering my support to other Slashdot addicts."
Another former Slashdot junkie, Anonymous Coward, said, "After suffering the harmful effects of Slashdotism, I believe the recent study about online depression is true. Slashdot, in particular, made me feel bad. Frequent flame wars, name-calling, "first comment!" posts, and the omnipresent news articles about the latest Microsoft trangressions threw me into a depression spiral. Thankfully, with the help of the SASG, I am now recovering."
Are you a Dothead? Take this short test to find out. - Do you submit articles to Slashdot and then reload the main page every 3.2 seconds to see if your article has been published yet?
- Have you made more than one "first comment!" post within the past week?
- Have you ever participated in a Gnome vs. KDE or a Linux vs. FreeBSD flamewar on Slashdot?
- Do you have a link to Slashdot on your homepage? Is that link the only thing on your page?
- Do you ever wish you could get Rob Malda's autograph?
- Do you worship Rob Malda? More than Linus Torvalds?
- Do you write humor articles about Slashdot?
- Do you wake up at night, go to the bathroom, and fire up your web browser to get your Slashdot fix on the way back?
- Instead of a TV dinner, do you eat a Slashdot dinner?
- Do you dump your date at the curb so you can hurry home to visit Slashdot?
- When shopping at the mall, do you run into a computer store to see if they have a computer that can access Slashdot?
- Do you dream about Slashdot?
- Do you send Rob Malda a fan email every day?
- Do you think of Slashdot when you order a taco at a restaurant?
- Do you run a Church of Slashdot website?
- Are you a charter member of the Rob Malda Fan Club?
- Do you forgo sex to visit Slashdot?
- Do you run a Slashdot parody site called Dotslash? Crashdot? Segfault?
- Have you donated hardware to Slashdot?
- Did you lease a T3 line so you could download Slashdot faster?
- Is Slashdot your only brower's bookmark?
- Do you get a buzz when your browser finally connects to Slashdot?
- Do you panic when your browser says "Unable to connect to slashdot.org"?
- Have you even made a New Year's Resolution to cut back on Slashdot access... only to visit it at 12:01?
- Have you ever put your mom on hold to finish reading an interesting Slashdot article?
If you answered "Yes" to at least two questions, you are a bona-fide Slashdot addict. You can receive support for your addiction by visiting the SASG at http://dothead.org (or http://slashdont.org if the other site is offline).
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