Fake News
written by James Baughn
on October 31, 1998
from the whatever-happened-to-giving-out-candy? dept.
What kind of goodies did Bill Gates give away to trick-or-treaters at his mansion gates this Halloween? Humorix sent out a vast network of children to go trick-or-treating at the houses of well-known computer industry figures across the US. The results were quite surprising.
First up, Humorix sent a group of kids dressed like Tux the Penguin out to Silicon Valley. They stopped by Linus Torvalds' house, where they received Red Hat Linux CD-ROMs. We also dressed a group of kids as Bill Gates, complete with bad haircuts and pockets overflowing with paper money, and sent them to trick-or-treat at Linus' house. Linus nearly had a heart attack.
Next, Humorix dispatched several children dressed as Bill Gates to Richard Stallman's residence in Massachusetts. Huge posters saying "I Hate Linux" were affixed to the children's costumes. RMS was not pleased. Furiously, he took a large magic marker and wrote "GNU" on each child. "It's GNU/Linux, dammit!" he shouted, and then shoved 300 pages of hardcopy printouts from the www.gnu.org website into the children's hands. "Read these you little adolescent punks!" he yelled and then slammed his door.
The next location was Silicon Valley again, where a group of children dressed like stereotypical nerds (complete with pocket protectors) stopped at Steve Jobs' house. Jobs handed out red delicious apples to each child, and said, "These are insanely great! Now excuse me, I've got a whole load of work to do as Apple's CEO. Oops... I mean interrim CEO.
The Holland, MI "Geek House" was the next stop. This time the children were dressed like Wesley Crusher, complete with cheesy Star Trek garb. Rob Malda screamed, "I'm not Wesley Crusher!", handed the children some leftover merchandise from the Atlanta Linux Showcase, and shooed them away. For the record, Rob was wearing pants.
Finally, Humorix sent two groups of trick-or-treaters to Bill Gates' mansion on Lake Washington. The first group was disguised as Justice Department lawyers. Needless to say, they were turned away empty-handed by the night watchman at the end of the Gates driveway. The next group, dressed in Bill Gates costumes, received a warmer welcome. In fact, the night watchman buzzed Gates, who was quite enthusiastic. "Those kids have good taste!" he said to the watchman. "Give them some Internet Explorer CD-ROMs! Hell, let 'em all in... I'll give them a quick personal tour of the mansion!"
During the tour Gates was interrupted twice by ecstatic phone calls from his lawyers. Apparently some juicy evidence in Microsoft's favor had been found and could be used in the antitrust trial. "I can't wait to see the looks on the government lawyers' faces when they find out about this!" Gates shouted at one point. The children were escorted through several rooms of the mansion, but Gates avoided the room housing the many Windows NT servers that run the mansion. Finally, Gates herded the children back to the mansion's front gates and said, "Since you guys are so cool, if you ever want to get a job at Microsoft when you grow up, just email me at my real address, bill-rules@microsoft.com."
Fake News
written by Dave Finton
on October 31, 1998
from the will-these-monkeys-get-stock-options? dept.
In a move that many critics consider questionable, Microsoft reportedly hired Infinite Monkeys Inc. to help write the upcoming Windows 2000. Infinite Monkeys Inc. is an infinitely large company located in another dimension whose work force consists of an infinite number of monkeys typing away at an infinite number of keyboards. Microsoft officials stated that "An infinite number of monkeys has been said to be able to write out the complete works of Shakespeare given enough time. It only makes sense that we hire their services to complete Windows 2000, due to be released by the year 17 googol to the googol power A.D."
Scientists are skeptical of Microsoft's move, since the expected amount of time for the project to be completed would far exceed the life expectancy of the universe. Microsoft proponents countered that Windows 2000 probably wouldn't have been released under that time frame anyways, and the move to hire an infinite number of monkeys will do nothing but speed up the process.
To complicate matters even further, Microsoft began moving these monkeys over to our dimension by the quadrillions without taking into account the total mass of monkeys that could safely be supported by the planet Earth. Despite warnings by many in the scientific field, Microsoft moved the monkeys to their Redmond campus to begin work immediately. However, as the total mass increased, it reached a critical point and caused the Earth to collapse into a body resembling a neutron star.
"I don't understand how Microsoft can get away with these anticompetitive practices," reported one customer. "Look at me! I'm nothing more than a trace of iron on the crust of a stellar core fragment! The Government should do something now to stop the juggernaut!" Another retorted "Why should we stop Microsoft from making great products, no matter what it takes? I'm sick of all these whiners complaining about being blown into the far reaches of a newly formed nebula or being squashed into a random mixture of subatomic particles. They're just jealous of Microsoft's ingenuity."
On a positive note, Microsoft has reported that the monkeys have shown progress. Almost immediately after starting their work, the word "Bill" was found in the random mess of characters. However, observers began to worry when the word "sux" was found a little bit later. But Microsoft officials are not pessimistic, since in addition to these words, "micr7woft", "sT33v Ballm3r", and the specifications for the SMB networking protocol in its entirety were found in the random text (many pundits weren't surprised at the last item being found in the random string of characters, since it is hypothesised that the SMB protocol was written by a bunch of monkeys in the first place).
Meanwhile, the influx of monkeys continues unabated to what's left of the Redmond campus, and signs are showing that the entire galaxy is threatened by the greatly increased mass of the Earth. Some speculate that the Milky Way will turn into a Quasar and then a giant Black Hole and destroy the entire universe as we know it.
A Microsoft spokeperson in a prepared statement said, "Llkskfd8c982-1329 isd azox]\2\`` dsif OIUPH)&(*&sn .zx;z./s"
When Wall Street (or what remains of it) closed today MS stock sold at 100 bucks a share, up 230 points. Infinite Monkeys, Inc. stock rose 3 1/4 to close at Infinity.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on October 27, 1998
from the microsoft-has-started-a-trend dept.
Keeping track of version numbers just became much more difficult today. Microsoft announced that Windows NT 5.0 will be called Windows 2000. Sun Microsystems will refer to Solaris 2.7 as Solaris 7. And to top it off, Linus Torvalds has announced that the upcoming Linux 2.2 kernel will be called Linux 2200.
"If inflating version numbers works for Microsoft," one kernel hacker explained to Humorix, "it can work for Linux. Now Linux will truly be centuries ahead of the competition." However, not all are thrilled about the name change. "If Bill Gates jumped off a bridge, would you?" one pundit asked. "Just because Microsoft wants to confuse customers with bizarre naming conventions doesn't mean Linux needs to. This whole thing is rather absurd. In fact, this is the sort of thing I would expect to come from the Humorix website, not Linus Torvalds."
Other confusing name changes may be on the way. Rumor has it that the FreeBSD folks are considering a name change to either FreeBSD 42 or FreeBSD 69. In addition, an Anonymous Coward has informed Humorix that upcoming releases of the X Window System may actually be called the Y Window System. Finally, our vast network of spies tell us that future releases of the GNU C++ compiler may be called GNU C+=2. We'll have to wait and see if any of these new names become reality.
Fake News
written by Adam Hay
on October 25, 1998
from the yet-another-exotic-linux-port dept.
DALLAS, TX -- Last week ports of both Windows and Linux were released for toasters. Yesterday, the two were tested and demonstrated at the Annual Mid-America Bread Products Association Conference. Reactions were mixed as SlackToast Linux and Windows Toasting New Technology (TNT) went head-to-head.
Windows TNT
The first product of its new Microsoft Kitchen(tm) brand, Windows TNT is designed to make bread toasting more user-friendly. A Microsoft press release stated, "The complications and hassle associated with the production of grilled bread products that made them inaccessable to the end user have been removed with the release of Windows TNT. Just plug in a slice and play."
Windows TNT 1.0 only contains drivers for toasters that are based on heat-generating Pentium II processors. Other toasters are not supported (except with a buggy generic driver), but the upcoming Toasting Plus! pack will contain more support for competing toasters. Microsoft recommends that TNT 1.0 only be used with MS SlicedBread(tm). A Microsoft spokesman said, "TNT still contains a few issues that make it incompatible with other brands. We should have a service pack to resolve these problems within six months."
The TNT demonstrations faced several setbacks. One of the toasters actually exploded, causing the fire alarms to go off. In addition, several toasters produced bread that was burned on one side but cold on the other. Finally, several times TNT crashed while toasting and had to be rebooted.
SlackToast Linux
SlackToast is completely different than TNT. Whereas TNT comes pre-installed on Pentium toasters, SlackToast must be downloaded from the Net or purchased on CD-ROM and then installed on the toaster. Installation, however, is fairly easy, and SlackToast works on a variety of machines and configurations. A few proprietary toasters are not supported (such as the I2O-Toast-a-Matic) because the specifications are not available.
The greatest feature of SlackToast is its multi-user format. Each user can customize what kind of toast they want, and SlackToast will retain the settings for future sessions. This, however, requires each user to log in. On the plus side, SlackToast can produce toast for several users at once.
Onlookers were impressed with the SlackToast demonstrations. The toasters didn't crash, didn't explode, and always produced perfectly toasted bread. However, some were concerned about the ease-of-use of the Linux command line. Their concerns were eliminated, though, once the XToast GUI System was shown.
Reactions
While SlackToast Linux was more popular, many people expressed a preference for Windows TNT. "TNT is backed by Microsoft, what is SlackToast backed by? What if something goes wrong with SlackToast? Who do I get support from?" an executive for a bread company asked. A columnist who had just flown in from the Atlanta Pundit Showcase said, "Windows TNT is yet another innovative Microsoft product. Microsoft will revolutionize the kitchen appliance industry and bring computerized appliances to the masses."
Nevertheless, SlackToast had a clear edge on TNT. One attendee clutching a SlackToast CD-ROM said, "Not only is SlackToast free, but it's also more stable and powerful. I know what I'm going to be using at home." Another person said, "Did you see how that one Windows toaster exploded? Wow! I can see where they got the name TNT." Finally, after taste testing the bread from Windows TNT, a college student gagged and said, "Yuck! This is awful. Windows 'Plug-and-Play' technology should be called 'Plug-and-Burn'."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on October 25, 1998
from the oh-the-humanity! dept.
PADUCAH, KY -- Matt Johnson, an employee at Paradigm Shift Consulting, Inc., was fired from his programming job because of his addiction to Slashdot. Johnson typically visited Slashdot several times a day during working hours. Citing productivity problems, Johnson's boss gave him the pink slip and instituted a 'NoDot' policy -- no visiting Slashdot or related sites from the office, ever. Now Johnson has filed a lawsuit, claiming that his Slashdot addiction is protected by the Americans With Disabilities Act.
Matt Johnson explained, "They discriminated against me because I'm a Dothead. Drug abuse and alcoholism are often considered handicaps. Why not Slashdot addiction?" Johnson's boss sees the situation differently. "Matt never got any work done. He was always visiting Slashdot, Freshmeat, or some other nerd website. And when he wasn't, he suffered withdrawl symptoms and couldn't think straight. A few months ago he spent eight consecutive hours posting comments in a KDE vs. GNOME flame war. I tried to offer assistance to overcome his addiction, but he refused. Enough is enough."
The company's 'NoDot' policy has been under fire as well. One anonymous employee said, "We can't visit Slashdot during coffee breaks or after hours because of Matt's addiction. This just sucks." Paradigm Shift enforces its NoDot policy by preventing access to Slashdot.org and a list of other sites through its corporate network. Some employees have circumvented the ban by bringing in laptops and connecting to the Net through cellular modems. "I can't go an entire day without getting my fix," another anonymous employee said. "I don't see anything wrong with visiting Slashdot during breaks."
Fake News
written by Michael Jinks
on October 21, 1998
from the is-there-anything-linux-won't-run-on? dept.
Dateline: a secret location somewhere in the Arizona desert
Just when you thought that Linux couldn't possibly be ported to another platform, scientists describing themselves as "attached to a private, secret, not-for-profit research institute" have announced the leanest Linux version to date, and possibly ever.
"It started out as a lark, a can-it-be-done sort of thing," recalls Dr. David F. Schmierck, who is currently helping to beta-test the new port. "We're still getting over the shock of our initial success."
No, the new port doesn't run on some fancy high-speed RISC chip, or an older microcomputer like the Atari; in fact, it doesn't run on a microprocessor at all.
"So far the architecture we've had the most success with is a matched pair of Dinty Moore Stew cans, I think they're listed as 'size number ten,'" explains Schmierck. "The current networking medium of choice is bailing twine."
Yes, folks, you heard it here first: Linux has been successfully ported to a pair of tin cans with a string between them.
Of course, the project is still in its early stages, and Schmierck describes the current state of the code as "heavily alpha."
"Obviously, this architecture imposes some serious limitations, some of which may prove insurmountable," he confides. For example, while the current version preserves some of UNIX's trademark multi-user format, it only works if the number of users is precisely two; try it with zero, one, or three login sessions, and the system immediately freezes or becomes otherwise unusable. Stability over time has also been problematic, said Schmierck. "The guy on the other end usually starts to lose interest after about ten or fifteen minutes," he said, "although we have recorded uptimes in the three-hour range under light system load with experienced UNIX administrators."
Still, the research team is optomistic about the project's future, and one tester described the general mood as "a little giddy" over their success so far. Currently planned improvements include further miniaturization -- Dr. Schmierck believes that the system will probably work on a pair of Campbell's Soup cans with only minor modifications -- as well as dreaming up some way around the two user limit, something which the team unanimously agrees will be vital if "Grover clusters" are to achieve wider acceptance.
Like the rest of the contemporary Linux world, the Grover team recognizes that applications will be a key element in their project's future or lack thereof. So, what can Grover clusters be used for? Here, too, the story so far has been mixed.
Says Schmierck, "One area where we've had unqualified success has been in voice recognition. Grover clusters are better than any platform I know of when it comes to that. Voice over IP has also been quite good. But other forms of heavy I/O have been almost uniformly disastrous. Try to transmit a jpeg, and just watch the whole thing grind to a halt." Attempts to run the Apache web server have also been so far unsuccessful, a situation which Dr. Schmierck says is independent of the two-user problem: "Background processes still have us stumped."
Asked what kind of initial reaction they've seen from the larger Open Source community, the Grover team puts on a brave face. "This is a pretty radical departure, and stuff like this can take a while to catch on. So far there hasn't really been much interest, and one Linux distributor actually hung up the phone when we asked them to mirror our ftp site. But if some punk from Finland can start from Minix and make it useful, we figure we can't lose."
Fake News
written by Robert Werner
on October 20, 1998
from the open-source-electricity dept.
Recently, Humorix reported on the US Department of Energy's findings that Linux computers use more electricity than others. In response to the news, several Linux enthusiasts have stepped forward to dispute the findings. One noted kernel hacker said, "The Department of Energy claimed that the increased electricity usage was from Linux users leaving their computers on for months at a time. While this may be true, rebooting computers sucks up much more energy than continuous uptime. Since Windows computers are rebooted much more often than Linux boxes, they are really responsible for the increased electricity use."
In addition, all Linux 2.1 development kernels have had a feature called "cold fusion". One source noted, "Linus Torvalds has been using cold fusion to power his monitor and toaster for the past six months. Linux users don't leave their computers on continuously to increase their uptime, they do it to generate free electricity!" When asked for more information, the source mentioned the Linux Kernel Mailing List and told us to "read the FAQ!" He also hinted that, in addition to cold fusion, "time travel capabilities" were in the works for Linux in the next couple of years. Perhaps Linus will be right in saying that Linux can execute infinite loops in five seconds.
Cold fusion is being used at the AmericasMart Atlanta Conference Center where the Atlanta Linux Showcase will be held later this week. So far the conference center has been using an incredibly small amount of energy while preparations for the showcase are underway. According to one local meter reader, "The convention center is only using enough power to keep a cup of tea moderately warm."
We also reported that a couple of power companies plan to give away free Linux CDs as a way to boost electricity consumption. Obviously these companies are unaware of the cold fusion capabilities of Linux. One formally dressed individual urged us to remain silent about cold fusion, saying, "If the power companies feel it is in their best interest to give away the Linux operating system, who are we to stand in their way?" When questioned further the source mentioned a prior engagement to meet some familiy members at the Atlanta Zoo and asked if we knew what wine goes well with smoked herring.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on October 18, 1998
from the my-uptime-is-better-than-yours dept.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The US Department of Energy claims Linux is partially responsible for the increased demand for electricity during the past year. Electricity use was up 2.5% from January to September of 1998 compared with the same period in 1997. "While some of the increase can be attributed to higher temperatures over the summer," one Department bureaucrat explained, "Linux is certainly a significant contributor to the increased demand for power."
When asked for clarification, the bureaucrat responded, "In the past, most PCs have been turned off when not in use. Linux users, on the other hand, usually don't turn off their computers. They leave them on, hoping to increase their uptime to impress their friends. And since Linux rarely crashes the entire system, those computers stay on for weeks, months, even years at a time. With Linux use continuing to grow, we expect demand for electricity to increase steadily over the next several years."
In response to the news, several utility companies have announced plans to give away free Linux CDs to paying customers who request them. One anonymous executive said, "The more people who use Linux, the more power they consume. The more electricity they use, the more money we make. It's a win-win combination." Yesterday Linus Torvalds was nominated as a candidate for the Assocation of American Utility Companies Person of the Year.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on October 16, 1998
from the hi-my-name-is-jesse-berst dept.
ATLANTA, GA -- The upcoming Atlanta Linux Showcase may be overshadowed by another event happening the same week: the Atlanta Pundit Showcase. The showcase, sponsored by Ziff-Davis, will provide an opportunity for computer industry pundits, analysts, and columnists to meet with each other. Several well-known pundits will be on hand to give speeches such as:
- "Problems in NT? What problems?"
- "Things to do while your computer reboots."
- "Why mediocre is actually better than best."
- "The L word doesn't exist."
- "Presenting 'Bildows' and the implications of renaming NT." (During a subsequent open forum each pundit in attendance will be given five minutes each to express their take on the importance of Bildows everywhere for business.)
Along with these speeches the showcase will feature booths representing the many faces of the Ziff-Davis empire. In particular, ZD will be promoting its new publication, PunditWeek, scheduled to begin next month. One ZD drone commented, "With the increasing number of industry trade rags and the corresponding increase in pundits, a print magazine such as PunditWeek is very much in demand." According to a recent ZD press release, "PunditWeek will feature commentary from well-known pundits along with in-depth features about Windows NT Bildows and other upcoming innovative Microsoft solutions."
Ironically, one last-minute addendum to the list of showcase presentations is entitled "Managing email." A source familiar with the presentation indicated that it attempts to cover the essentials of deleting large amounts of unread mail in a single sitting. One past attendee commented, off the record, "It made my life easier knowing that I could just eliminate those annoying messages with their facts so that I could concentrate on what is important." When asked for clarification, the source commented that he didn't recognize this reporter from past showcases and the interview came to an abrupt end.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on October 14, 1998
from the look-ma-no-microsoft-bashing dept.
During the past week several unconfirmed rumors have found their way to Humorix World Headquarters.
Linux 2.2 Codenamed 'Helium'
A janitor at Transmeta leaked a rumor that Linus Torvalds is considering christening the Linux 2.2 stable kernel release as 'Helium'. Helium, a Nobel Gas, is a vapor. Linux 2.2, a kernel that has been long in coming, is currently vaporware. The name Helium seems to make perfect sense.
'Linus' Most Popular Baby Name
A study by the US Census Bureau due out next month supposedly reports that 'Linus' was the number one baby name in the United States during the first six months of 1998. 'Eric' was the number two baby name. The Census Bureau is baffled by the popularity of Linus. One bureaucrat reportedly asked, "What's the deal? The Peanuts character is not that popular."
Elvis Sighted in Linux Kernel
The National Enquirer will run a feature story next week about an Elvis sighting in a computer screen. An Elvis fan in Tennessee reports that she saw Elvis in her monitor while booting Linux. She remembers hearing the words "You ain't nothing but a Linux user..." from her computer's speakers. "Either Elvis isn't dead, or some kernel hacker has laid the ultimate easter egg," she said.
Will Taco Bell Sue Rob Malda?
An anonymous Taco Bell executive reports that the company is mulling over filing a lawsuit against Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda of Slashdot fame. Apparentely Taco Bell is upset about Malda's Taco Hell webpage and his "CmdrTaco" moniker.
Linus Torvalds Museum
Helsinki University is considering opening a Linus Torvalds Museum and Gift Shop in an unused portion of its computer science building. The college wants to become a travel destination for nerds all over the world. If the museum is opened, it will have exhibits featuring Linus' first computer, his first CS textbook, and his first semester report card.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on October 13, 1998
from the intel-bunny-people-die-die-die dept.
LAS VEGAS, NV -- The unofficial Linux mascot Tux the Penguin will face his arch rival the BSD Daemon in a boxing match this Saturday night. The match is part of the International Computer Mascot Boxing Federation's First Annual World Championship Series. The winner will advance to face one of the Intel "Bunny People".
Boxing pundits favor Tux as the winner. Last week Tux won his first match in the Championship Series against Wilbur the Gimp. "The Gimp didn't have a chance," one spectator said. "With Tux's ability to run at top speeds of over 100mph, I don't see how he could possibly lose." The BSD Daemon, however, is certainly a formidible opponent. While boxing rules prohibit the Daemon from using his patented pitchfork, his pointy horns are permitted in the ring.
Some observers think the whole Computer Mascot Boxing Federation is a fake. "WWF is all scripted," one sports writer pointed out. "And so is this. You actually think that a penguin is capable of boxing? The idea of a penguin fighting a demon is patently absurd. This whole Championship Series has no doubt been scripted. It's probably nothing more than two little kids in penguin and demon suits duking it out in a boxing ring. What a waste of time."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on October 8, 1998
from the having-fun-with-fud dept.
The Rules
With a group of friends, take turns reading articles about Linux from popular media sources (Ziff-Davis AnchorDesk is recommended) or postings on Usenet (try alt.fan.bill-gates). If the author says one of the things below, take the corresponding number of drinks. Continue until everyone involved is plastered.
Note: Humorix does not condone the consumption of mass quantities of alcohol. If you prefer, you can play this game with another beverage such as water. Just make sure you have a bathroom handy.
One drink
Take one drink if the author says... - Linux will never go mainstream
- Any platform that can't run Microsoft Office [or some other Microsoft "solution"] sucks
- Linux is hard to install
- No one can make money from Linux
- Linux tech support is lacking
- No one ever got fired for choosing Microsoft
- Linux has no central blue-chip company to hold liable when something goes wrong
- Linux is for nerds
- Linux doesn't have enough native software
- Windows has more games than Linux, therefore Windows is better
- NT is more secure/stable/powerful/whatever than Linux
- Microsoft is an innovative company
Two drinks
Take two drinks if the author says...
- Could you get fired for choosing Linux?
- Unix and Linux come in multiple, incompatible flavors
- I can't go down to the mall and buy shrink-wrapped Linux software, therefore Linux sucks
- Any OS with a command line interface is primitive
- Microsoft will be around until the end of time... who knows what will happen to Linux?
- Freeware sucks
- Linux was created by a bunch of snot-nosed 14 year old hackers with acne and no life
- Security through obscurity is the way to go
- NT is the future of enterprise computing
Drain it Drink the contents of your container if the author says...
- Linus and Unix are 70s technology while NT is 90s technology
- Nobody can beat Microsoft... why bother trying?
- I predicted Linux' mainstream acceptance several years ago [only applies to Jesse Berst columns]
- All Linux software must be released under the GPL
- Linux is a great piece of shareware
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on October 7, 1998
from the name-that-operating-system dept.
In another sign of the continuing growth of Linux, two game shows featured Linux last week. "Cool," one Linux kernel hacker exclaimed. "Now that Linux has been featured on Jeopardy! and The Price is Right, nothing can get in our way." Rumor has it that Linux may be a puzzle on an upcoming Wheel of Fortune episode.
On the CBS show The Price is Right, Red Hat Linux was a prize in one of the pricing games last Wednesday. The contestant was asked to tell whether the price was higher or lower than $50. She said, "Well, Windows 98 is almost $100. I've never heard of this Linux thing, but I guess it's probably more than Windows. I'll say higher." Of course she was wrong, which resulted in her not winning a new car. Bob Barker, the host, was even amazed at the low price of Red Hat Linux. "An operating system for only $40? Now that's a bargain!"
Jeopardy! had a whole category devoted to computer operating systems in last Tuesday's Double Jeopardy round. The $600 clue was "What the NT in Windows NT stands for". One of the contestants, John, rang in with, "What is Not Trustworthy?" Another contestant, Bob, responded, "What is Needs Terabytes?" No one came up with the correct response, which is, of course, "Neutered Technology". The $800 clue was a video Daily Double for the third contestant, the returning champion Amanda. She correctly identified the screen shown, responding with "What is the Blue Screen of Death?"
Linux was the correct response to the $1000 clue, which was, "This open source operating system, started by a Finnish student, now has thousands of contributors". All three contestants knew the answer, but Amanda was the first to buzz in by a margin of .02 seconds. Host Alex Trebek commented, "Wow! I guess this means that none of you are Microsoft employees."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on October 2, 1998
from the leverage-innovate-empower-facilitate-utilize-enable dept.
A new Linux distribution aimed at large corporations has been released. "Proactive Synergy sugarcoats Linux to make it more palatable to corporate executives," a spokesman for Proactive Synergy Paradigm, Inc. said. "In other words, PSL has been 'Dilbertized' to make it attractive to PHBs (Pointy Haired Bosses)."
PSL is very similar to other distributions except it has more "corporate-friendly" terminology. A PSL designer noted, "We basically just read through several Dilbert books and incorporated the buzzwords we saw into PSL." For instance, the Linux kernel is known as the "Linux Paradigm". X Windows is called "The Empowerment Window System" Some more PHB-friendly changes include: - Command line shells are called "enabling interfaces".
- downsize (or ds for short) replaces the rm command
- migrate replaces mv
- dataminer is the new name for the grep command
- The backup and archiving tools are collectively known as the "diversification tools"
- Users are called "team players". Their home directories are located under the /cubicle hierarchy.
- The superuser is called the "team leader" or the "team administrator"
- Instead of /usr,
user team player programs are located under the /resources directory - strategicalliance (or sa for short) replaces the ln command. Linked files are said to be "allied".
- Development kernels are called "leading edge paradigms".
The PSL distribution is available for $599. It comes with the same level of tech support as that offered by Microsoft. "We offer the same busy signals and dumb answers that the others do," a Proactive Synergy tech support worker acknowledged. "This kind of support -- which is demanded by the corporate world -- is what sets us apart from other Linux distributors."
In regards to PSL, one Red Hat employee is quoted as saying, "Oh, man, I wish we had thought of that first! Instead of working on package managers and friendly installation routines, we should have worked on buzzword-compliance. No wonder Fortune 500 acceptance of Linux has been so sluggish."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on October 1, 1998
from the stupid-programmer-tricks dept.
Sources confirm that Linus Torvalds will be a guest on the Late Show with David Letterman next month. "You know you've arrived when you're a guest on Letterman," one entertainment industry pundit notes. "Linus has hit the jackpot with this one. He's one small step closer to World Domination."
Linus will appear on a special themed "Make Fun of Bills" week. One anonymous source adds, "The week will be devoted to making fun of Clinton and Gates. Linus, as the arch rival of Gates, is a perfect guest for the week. Supposedly the show's producers want to have Linus and audience members throw cream pies at a huge poster of Gates. It should be pretty cool."
We have obtained an unconfirmed advance copy of the Top Ten list that will be aired on the night of Linus' visit:
Top Ten Changes If Linus Torvalds Achieves World Domination
10. That annoying Linus character from the Peanuts cartoons would be killed off
9. New fashion style: Scantily clad females, even in twenty below weather
8. Forget Disney World, say hello to Penguin World!
7. Late Show with Linus Torvalds
6. High schools offer classes on kernel hacking
5. Microsoft stock certificates traded as rare collectors' items, along with Confederate money and Roman coins
4. Beowolf Clusters for everyone!
3. Computers no longer come with reset buttons
2. United States of Linusia
1. Three words: Open Source Beer
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