I Come Not to Praise ZDNet ...

Fake News written by Noah Paul on November 29, 1998

I've done a fairly good job of keeping my mouth shut regarding ZDNet. I felt that to even talk about it in an email was to dignify the rag beyond what it deserved.

However, I just can't keep myself from saying something after reading the column by Michael Surkan (ZDNet, "I Come Not to Praise Linux ..."). The so-called column Surkan writes (available on the ZDNet website), which "exposes" Linux's inferiority, is being grossly exagerrated in it's importance.

Just like ZDNet.

The gods alone know how many columns are drawn up by overeager ZDNet journalists about how to deal with various competitive influences. Seen against the backdrop of the hundreds of stories likely generated each year, it's hard to believe that this particular dissertation on Linux's "inferiority" is of any great significance.

But all this fuss about the relevance of a particular column ignores one crucial point. ZDNet doesn't pose a major threat to ComputerWorld's magazine or anyone else's. If anything, I find it hilarious that someone at Linux International even takes rag journalism, which ZDNet represents, so seriously. I half-expect these columns to be written as a deeply sarcastic parody.

Not that I've found anything bad about ZDNet. In fact, I've found it to be a very useful piece of paper for lighting fires. But that's where it ends.

Show Me the Intelligence

The problem with ZDNet is that it's biggest strength -- highly motivated, eclectic mix of idiots -- will doom it to remain on the periphery of computing. It is the organized, bearucratic nature of ZDNet that makes it impossible for hardware and software vendors to make any money within its pages.

ZDNet has found it nearly impossible to convice the Linux Community to pay for their PC Magazine, and when it has, find it necessary to cut their rates dramatically from what they get from idiots.

Despite all the surveys showing huge growth for ZDNet, its reach on corporate people is negligent. Without support from intelligent people, respectable network managers wouldn't take money to read PC Magazine. Not many magazine vendors ship packages with ZDNet, and the number of websites that provide ZDNet links is also miniscule.

True, there are some efforts under way by major software vendors to read ZDNet and other rag magazines, but marketing people at some of these companie tell me they don't expect to ever become more aware from these investments. As a result, large software houses will offer little support for ZDNet.

ZDNet may be a great way for computer-illiterate individuals to feel like they're getting under the hoods of their computers for little or no cost, but it's nothing more than a convenient form of stupidity and public embarrassment for the people who support it. If nothing else, the ZDNet readers have an influence beyond their numbers, and getting on their good side might help sales elsewhere, but I doubt it.

As long as ZDNet remains a religion of stupid people, ComputerWorld (and other magazine vendors) have nothing to worry about.

What would convince you to read ZDNET at your home? Contact me at noahp@altavista.net

Santa Claus Adopts Linux

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 27, 1998

NORTH POLE -- In a press release today, Claus & Co. Gift Givers, Inc. announced that the company had migrated all of its computer systems to Linux. "Delivering millions of presents all over the world in one night is certainly a mission-critical application," the press release stated. "Linux is the perfect choice."

In previous years, Claus & Co. used a mix of Windows 95/NT and Solaris machines. "We had some serious problems last Christmas Eve," the head elf of media relations told Humorix. "A series of Windows NT servers bluescreened just hours before Santa's departure. It being a holiday, any chance of getting Microsoft tech support was non-existant. After much frantic work, the elves were able to make the machines operational and retrieve the all-important gift database from backups at the very last minute."

The elf continued, "The next day Santa held an emergency meeting where he declared, 'We're not going through that again! It should be quite obvious that NT stands for Not Trustworthy.' After much debate the Claus & Co. board of directors agreed to upgrade all of our systems to Linux. The monetary savings from using free software and older hardware has been astronomical. With the extra money we were finally able to retrofit Santa's sleigh with jet engines. Now we don't have to mess with those annoying reindeer and their constant requests for higher salary."

It looks like Linus Torvalds will be getting everything on his wish list this year.

Geekfeld TV Show

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 25, 1998

LOS ANGELES, CA -- A programming manager at CBS, Bob Grossman, tells Humorix that the TV network is interested in producing a prime-time sitcom targetted at nerds and techies. Says the manager, "I was browsing Slashdot the other day and read a funny article about geeks trying to buy something from Home Depot. This got me to thinking about all the funny misadventures nerds could get into. I said to myself, 'Self, this is the perfect concept for a TV show!'"

Grossman has put together the preliminary background for the show, tentatively titled "Geekfeld". The show revolves around the secretive Silicon Valley start-up "Metatrans" which employs various quirky nerds who find themselves in funny but improbable situations in every episode. The cast of characters includes:

• Gary Geekfeld - The title character who is a humorist that publishes his own Lennix humor website, "Colonel Panic". He makes funny observations about life and computers. Grossman admits, "I sort of stole the idea for this character from NBC's Seinfeld show. I'm not too worried, though, since just about every other sitcom on network TV is a rehash of previous show ideas."

• Lenny Torbalds - Scandinavian character who started the popular Unix clone Lennix. He has been employed by Metatrans for reasons that won't ever be made clear on the show. In every episode a co-worker or reporter will ask, "What're you working on, Lenny?" and he'll respond with a string of meaningless techno gibberish -- the same kind of thing that is found in nearly every Star Trek episode. Every show needs a catch-phrase: South Park has "Oh my God! They killed Kenny..." and Geekfeld has "What're you working on, Lenny?"

• Paulo Allben - Main investor in Metatrans; previously co-founded the 'evil' competing corporation Monopolysoft. This character will be the "pointy haired boss" who knows more about business than computers and will be the butt of many jokes.

• Leslie Williams - Female geek who brings balance to the show's cast. Many episodes will make fun of the other male geek co-workers who nervously say stupid things in her presence.

• Randy Drove - President of the competing chip maker Instale. Along with Monopolysoft CEO Bob Grates, these two head the evil Winstale Alliance that is the object of loathing from geeks everywhere.

Grossman and some staff writers have already put together a few scripts for pilot episodes. "If all goes well," says Grossman, "we'll start casting in the spring and the show will premiere on CBS during the 1999 fall season." He adds, "The network may even set aside one night a week for nerdy shows -- a 'Techie Tuesday', perhaps. CBS could even alter its slogan to 'CBS -- Welcome /home' during that night."

The Movement Formerly Known As Open Source

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 24, 1998

The battle over the Open Source trademark is heating up. Software in the Public Interest and the Open Source Initiative both hold competing claims to the trademark. In order to put an end to the infighting, a group of free software advocates have founded the Association for the Movement Formerly Known as Open Source (AMFKOS)

One AMFKOS founder said, "I find it ironic that a trademark representing free software is itself proprietary. This situation must change. We propose that the free software movement adopt another name besides 'Open Source'. Hopefully then we can all Get-Back-To-Coding(tm) instead of fighting over Bruce Perens' and Eric Raymond's egos."

AMKFOS is currently soliciting public feedback for the term that should be used to describe bazaar-style software. "We really don't have any idea what to call it," said one AMKFOS member. "'Software Formerly Known as Open Source' is too wordy. I suppose we could just go with 'free software'."

Rumor has it that Richard Stallman plans to mount a campaign to promote the phrase "GNU/Free Software" in place of "Open Source". In addition, the terms "Ajar Source", "Unlocked Source", "Nude Source", "Unclosed Source", and "Just-Type-make Software" have all been proposed by various Usenet or Slashdot posters.

Linux Moody Swings

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 23, 1998

Fred Moody's latest rant over at Disney/ABCNews entitled "The (Anti-) Linux Crusade" created much controversy at Slashdot. In his latest editorial, Moody comes to the conclusion that Linux sucks, based on an email he received from an anonymous "expert witness" who uses Linux at work and has a dislike for the caps lock key. With the help of Humorix's vast spy network, we have been able to intercept two relevant documents. One is the full text of the e-mail the anonymous "expert" sent to Moody and the second is an internal ABCNews memo sent to Moody from his boss. Excerpts from both documents are reproduced below.

What Moody didn't publish from his anonymous source:

fred moody -

The source then rambles on for several more paragraphs about how terrible Linux is. These later ramblings represent the material that Moody cited in his editorial.

Internal memo from Moody's boss:

Subject: Need more ratings
Date: November 15, 1998
From: [name withheld]
To: Fred Moody

P.S. Make sure your column gets mentioned on that News for Nerd site, uh... Slashdot I think it is. Our bean counters show that we made several hundred dollars in ad revenue (in just one hour!) because of all the traffic that came from Slashdot in response to your last anti-Linux piece. It's too bad we can't generate targeted traffic like that ourselves.

Response to Moody's column on Slashdot has, as expected, been very negative. However, one enlightened Dothead wrote, "What's the big fuss? I think that Moody's column represents a Good Thing(tm). Think about it -- the best evidence Moody could come up with was the ramblings of an immature Linux user who can't spell and doesn't know how to use the SHIFT key. If that's the best he can do, it's quite obvious that Linux has already won..."

Fred Moody, ABCNews.com, and the Linux Boycott Campaign were unavailable for comment at press time, of course.

Lenox and Lennox Linux Distros

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 22, 1998

LAWRENCEVILLE, NJ -- Lenox, a maker of dinnerware, collectibles, and other knicknacks, is getting into the Linux distro business. Says one company representative, "For the past few months, a large part of our phone calls have been from people asking for the Linux operating system. We're really sick of telling people that Lenox makes dinnerware, not distros. No more, however. We've decided to capitalize on the Lenox vs. Linux confusion by releasing our own specialized Lenox Linux distribution.

Lenox has made a licensing deal to use Slackware as the base of its distribution. The company representative explained, "We realize Slackware isn't the most cutting edge or easy to use Linux distribution out there. However, the Red Hat and Caldera people wouldn't have anything to do with us. So, we've taken Slackware as a base, added full glibc6 support (of course), and thrown in a few value-added enhancements."

The company hasn't been forthcoming about the "enhancements" that will be present in Lenox Linux. Humorix has been told that those features will be unveiled in a couple of weeks. The distro should be available by Christmas time.

Another company, Lennox Industries (manufacturer of heating and air conditioning equipment), is interested in creating its own Linux distribution. Like Lenox, Lennox wants to capitalize on the confusion between its name and Linux. Sources tell Humorix that Lennox wants to design a scaled-down version of Linux to power the thermostats for its heaters and air conditioners. "Linux is the perfect OS to run our machines," one Lennox employee beamed. "Our competition won't stand a chance."

Nerds Panic Over Slashdot Outtage, Again

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 21, 1998

Yesterday evening's unexpected Slashdot downtime put nerds worldwide in a bind. While this outtage wasn't nearly as bad as September's, many nerds still panicked. To combat future outtages, a group of Dotheads are putting together the CRASH (CRASH Reacts Automatically to Slashdot Horrors) System. One CRASH developer told Humorix, "Everyone talks about Slashdot downtime but nobody does anything about it. That is, until now."

When Slashdot is inaccessible, Dotheads will be able to activate the CRASH System by typing PANIC in a shell. Future versions of Mozilla and Lynx will automatically activate CRASH when Slashdot is down, thus saving valuable milliseconds.

Once activated, CRASH will systematically download the latest news articles from such sources as LinuxToday, Linux Weekly News, Freshmeat, InfoWorld, Wired, The Register, and ZDNet. CRASH will also grab the latest humor from such sites as Segfault, Humorix (of course!), and User Friendly. To top it off, CRASH will simulate random comments to each of the articles, including the omnipresent "First Comment!" posts, KDE vs. GNOME flame wars, and "Jon Katz sucks!" ramblings. CRASH will then put all of this together and build a facsimile of the Slashdot website.

"I can't tell the difference between Slashdot and CRASH!" one alpha tester exclaimed. "This is a godsend for Dotheads everywhere. The only complaint I have is that CRASH doesn't always choose the best news articles to feature. Some of them seem like nothing more than hype-laden company press releases. Oh, wait a minute, they're from Ziff-Davis. Now it all makes sense."

CRASH is expected to be released next month as a GPL'd program. Countless nerds will be anxiously waiting for it, hoping that Slashdot doesn't crash again in the interrim.

Update: Oops... There's No Conspiracy

Fake News written by Anonymous Coward on November 20, 1998

Yesterday, I broke into this website to expose what I thought was a hideous conspiracy plotted by Humorix editor James Baughn. Oops, I was wrong. Sorry about that. Baughn is not a Microsoft Secret Agent and there is no conspiracy (at least not now).

I jumped to conclusions based on the spotty evidence I had gathered by tapping Baughn's phone line and rummaging through his trash. It seems that I had tapped the wrong phone line. Instead, I was listening to the local TV station producer's phone conversations. Apparently there is a conspiracy to plant subliminal message on TV to compel viewers to murder people so the station can fill up their local news broadcasts. Obviously this was one big misunderstanding. Now that I've been set straight I feel so much better.

One piece of evidence that led me to believe Baughn was on the Microsoft payroll was the strange stuff he kept getting in the mail from them. As it turns out, someone signed him up to receive free Internet Explorer 4.0 CD-ROMs as a prank. And here I thought Microsoft was sending him top-secret documents via CD-ROMs! What a shmuck I am!

Humorix Conspiracy Exposed!

Fake News written by Anonymous Coward on November 19, 1998

LWN recently published an article by Bruce Perens about the possible threat from Trojan Horses embedded in open source programs. Perens is certainly on the right track, but he's a few puzzle pieces short of the whole story. In fact, the truth is much more hideous. James Baughn, Humorix Editor and Microsoft Secret Agent, is conspiring to overthrow the open source movement with subliminal message hidden in this very site!

I live next to Humorix World Headquarters. Over the past few weeks I've been piecing together this elaborate conspiracy by digging through Baughn's trash and tapping his phone line. This is the most insidious, sinister plot I've ever run across, on or off TV. Right now Baughn is away at college and I've cracked into his website and mailing list to expose the evil truth. Hopefully enough people will read this before Baughn is able to delete this article. He and his Microsoft overlords must be vanquished!

Subliminal message have been planted in all Humorix pages (in addition to his Segfault submissions). Commands are being planted in visitors' minds (including yours!), to be activated at a certain, unknown (to me) time. From what I can gather, at some point in the future, all people who have ever visited Humorix will have a sudden, unavoidable impulse to login as root and type rm -rf /* on their Linux boxes. If such a twisted plan were to come to fruition, the entire Linux and open source revolution would be single-handedly halted.

Baughn's evil ways must be stopped! Spread this message to everyone you know! Boycott Humorix and Segfault! Rename your system's rm command to something else... just in case! Backup your Linux system! Prevent Microsoft from conquering the world!

Linux Dominates Academic Research

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 17, 1998

A recent survey of colleges and high school reveals that Linux, Open Source Software, and Microsoft are favorite topics for research projects. Internet Censorship, a popular topic for the past two years, was supplanted by Biology of Penguins as another of this year's most popular subjects for research papers.

"The Internet has changed all the rules," one college professor told Humorix. "Nobody wants to write papers about traditional topics like the death penalty, freedom of speech, abortion, juvenile crime, etc. Most of the research papers I've seen the past year have been computer related, and most of the reference material has come from the Net. This isn't necessarily good; there's a lot of crap on the Net. One student tried to use 'Bob's Totally Wicked Anti-Microsoft Homepage of Doom', and 'The Support Group for People Used by Microsoft' as primary sources of information for his paper about Microsoft."

A high school English teacher added, "Plagarism is a problem with the Net. One of my students 'wrote' a brilliant piece about the free software revolution. Upon further inspection, however, almost everything was stolen from Eric S. Raymond's website. I asked the student, "What does noosphere mean?" He responded, 'New-what?' Needless to say, he failed the class."

Linux Boycott Campaign Formed

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 16, 1998

SEATTLE, WA -- The inaugural meeting of the new Linux Boycott Campaign was held last Friday at a neighborhood Burglar King restaurant. About 30 people attended to receive discount coupons on Microsoft Windows NT and free Burglar King WalletWhopper^TM sandwiches and other food.

The newly elected president of the LinCott campaign said, "Our goal is to expose the many flaws in Linux and open source software and show that commercially developed solutions such as Windows NT/2000 are infinitely superior. The fact that several members of LinCott are Microsoft employees does not mean this organization is biased in any way."

Humorix was unable to retrieve the official LinCott manifesto, "The Cast Against Linux", due to "Server Too Busy" errors from the NT/IIS-hosted linux-boycott.org website. However, one LinCott charter member kindly sent us that document via email. Several points raised in the document include:

• Linux is inherently insecure: Because hackers from all across the globe have access to the source code, bugs and buffer overflows can be easily detected and exploited. 'Security through obscurity', the model that Microsoft's programs are built on, does not have this problem, which explains the government's C2 certification of NT. Linux does not have this certification, and never will.

• Linux's future is uncertain: Windows NT is backed by Microsoft, a company that will be around even after a nuclear holocaust. Linux, on the other hand, is backed by.... uh, nobody. No company backs Linux. It's hard telling what might happen in the coming years to Linux. I don't want to take that chance, and neither should you!

• Nobody liable to support Linux: What happens if Linux fails? There is no backing company to blame. You're out-of-luck if your mission critical Linux system bites the dust. Likewise, there's no company to provide technical support if you have a problem. You have to ask your questions on Usenet or various mailing lists, often times resulting in hundreds of flames saying, "Read the [expletive] manual or FAQ, you little [expletive]!!!!!!"

• Linux is developed by a bunch of snot-nosed 14 year old hackers with acne and no life: Would you trust your company's data to an OS with this kind of development model? I didn't think so.

• TANSTAAFL!: Robert Heinlein wrote, "There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch". This applies to Linux: once this OS goes mainstream, the developers and distributors will stop giving it away and you'll have to pay exorbitant prices for upgrades, bug fixes, security patches, and new software. Linux isn't "free" and everyone with half a brain knows it!

• No software for Linux: Linux doesn't support Office, Internet Explorer, Adobe PhotoShop, Visual Basic, or any other market-leading commercial software package. Plus, the number of native Linux games is abyssmally small. A modern OS must have an abundance of games or nobody can possibly take it seriously.

• Could you get fired for using Linux?: Nobody ever got fired for choosing Microsoft.

• Command lines are 70s technology: Typing commands is so primitive! Thankfully NT doesn't have this ass-backwards "technology" and allows simple point-and-shoot navigation and configuration. Ever tried creating a GIF image using only a command line? Ha! GUIs rule, CLIs drool!

• Linux is hard to install: Most Linux installations require users to repartition their hard drives! This is, without a doubt, a very complicated, even risky, procedure. Windows 9x/NT doesn't require this nonsense: it can monopolize your hard drive, freeing you from the troubles associated with using fdisk. In addition, many aspects of Linux must be setup or configured using a text editor. Ever tried using Linux's text editor, vi? Not for long, I bet! Real OSes have GUI interfaces, primitive OSes like Linux require tinkering with text files. Of course, most computers come with Windows pre-installed, so installation isn't even necessary! The fact that no major OEM pre-installs Linux proves that Linux is a piece of crap.

The document then goes on to explain what users can do to support the campaign, including: boycotting Linux and all open source software, buying lots of Microsoft software, giving Internet Explorer CDs to friends and neighbors, subscribing to Slate and Microsoft Magazine, donating money to the Bill Gates Mansion Fund, staging protests in front of stores that sell Linux, throwing dead skunks in the yards of open source software developers (addresses and driving directions are provided), flooding Slashdot and similar forums with "Linux sucks!" messages, etc.

A person participating in the Linux Drinking Game should be quite drunk after reading the LinCott manifesto. Even as I type this, several Humorix staffers are passed out here at Humorix World Headquarters.

The second LinCott meeting is scheduled for December 15 at the picnic shelter in Marymoor County Park in Redmond. A Microsoft spokesperson will be on hand to demonstrate the new ActiveSolitaire game to be integrated into Windows 2000 (assuming a source of electrical power can be found). Items on the agenda include deciding on a new motto ("Shutting the Windows on Linux" is one suggestion) and investigating the possibility of touring the Microsoft campus. Free Internet Explorer CD-ROMs will be available to all attendees.

The Seattle Linux User Group had planned to hold a rally on December 15 to upstage LinCott, but, in the words of the LUG president, "Why bother?"

Microsoft, Linus Torvalds, and the Microsoft Boycott Campaign were unavailable for comment at press time.

Open Source Taxes

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 15, 1998

OLYMPIA, WA -- The Washington State Department of Revenue has announced that free software is subject to sales taxes under new regulations. A prepared statement said, "When people buy software like Windows 98, they pay a sales tax. However, when people download software, like Linux, for free, the government collects no taxes. This is clearly an injustice. Under newly enacted regulations, free software and commercial software acquired in Washington will now be taxed equally starting in 1999."

The Department of Revenue cited an article in The Register that calculates the cost to develop Linux and associated software at over four billion US dollars. A spokesman said, "We estimate that about 10 million copies of Linux are in use. This means that a Linux CD-ROM is worth about $400. Sales of Linux CDs and downloads of Linux software in Washington will be taxed accordingly."

We consulted with our Official Humorix Lawyer, Mr. N. O. Morals of the Seattle law firm of Lowe & Morals. He said, "This is just stupid. Excuse me, I have to finish packing for my move to Oregon."

Humorix tried to get a response from the State of Washington on this matter, but to no avail. After calling the Revenue Department hotline, we were directed to the Vice Deputy to the Assistant Apprentice Associate Undersecretary of Taxpayer Affairs. We were then put on hold for an hour, only to find ourselves directed to the College Intern Associate Director of Media Relations, and then to the Interrim Secretary to the Assistant Manager (Probationary Fourth Class) of Job Title Assignments. To make a long story short, we were directed to ten different bureaucrats with incomprehensible titles. Each gave us equally incomprehensible answers and rhetoric. We finally gave up in desperation.

Richard M. Stallman has not been informed of the new tax regulation yet. The loud scream that will be heard around the world tommorrow will be RMS's after some poor soul has worked up the courage to deliver the bad news to him. Humorix will keep you posted as this situation unfolds.

Operation Desert Slash

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 14, 1998

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- High officials in the US military are planning on putting the Slashdot Effect to use against Iraq. Pentagon computer experts think that the Slashdot Effect could topple key Net-connected Iraqi computer systems. Such a Denial of Service attack could prove instrumental when the US invades.

One Pentagon official said, "If I had a million dollars for every server that crashed as a result of being linked on Slashdot, I'd be richer than Bill Gates. The Slashdot Effect is a very powerful weapon that the US military wants to tap into."

Rob Malda has been contacted by top military brass. According to anonymous sources, Malda will play a key part in the so-called "Operation Desert Slash". Supposedly Malda will post several Slashdot articles with links to critical Iraqi websites right when the US invasion is set to begin. Meanwhile, Pentagon operatives will begin a series of Denial of Service attacks on other key Iraqi computer systems. One source notes, "Since many Iraqi systems rely on Microsoft software, this task should be relatively simple."

Archeaologists Unearth "Ooga!" Document

Fake News written by Dave Finton on November 12, 1998

It was made public today that a 30,000 year old stone tablet titled the "Ooga!" Document had been unearthed along with many other stone tablets from the same era. The Ooga! Document outlines the plans of the then-powerful corporation known as MoogaSooga (to be referred in this article as MS) to challenge and undermine the then-growing hobbyist wheel-making industry. MS at that time owned a virtual monopoly on wheel production, and consumers of that era were clamoring for alternatives to the MS Wheel.

The stone tablet was leaked to one such wheel-making hobbyist referred to as "Eega S. Rooga", or ESR for short. The tablet outlines and researches a wheel-making method where wheel-makers share ideas and contribute their work to make better wheels, and create better tools from those wheels. The tablet also outlines possible actions that MS could take against the wheel-making hobbyists in order to maintain its market share.

The document, authored by MS employee and wheel expert Vooga Voogavoogavoogavooga, talks about the process by how these new wheels were made, and how much better the hobbyists' wheels were than MS's own commercial wheel.

The MS Wheel was a large unwieldly structure approximately 30 feet tall. Users of the wheel would have to climb on top of the wheel and have 75 people behind him or her push the wheel down the hill. The MS Wheel was prone to stalling in mid-transit, causing the passenger to be flung off the top of the wheel to his death on the ground below. In worst case scenarios the MS Wheels were also known to veer off course, often into crowded villages where everyone in the wheel's path would be run down, causing a lot of damage and heartache. In addition to all this the wheel would often break apart into several pieces whenever it hit even the slightest bump. Of course once the wheel reached a valley or the bottom of the hill, it would be impossible to push it back up the hill again because it was way too heavy. Thus, users of the MS Wheel were often forced to "upgrade" to a new wheel, most likely even larger and less stable than the previous one.

Despite these and other problems, the MS Wheel was immensely popular. However, it sparked a populist movement by amature wheel makers to share ideas and come up with a better solution.

In the "Ooga!" Tablet, Vooga says, "After trying out these hobbyists' wheels, I am surprised to learn that their quality surpasses the quality of commercial-grade wheels, particularly the MS Wheel." He goes on to say, "These wheels are only a couple of feet in diameter, weigh only 30 pounds, and are much sturdier than our heavyweight counterparts. Even worse, the hobbyists are using these wheels to create even more complicated yet useful structures, such as carts and wagons. Our wheels couldn't even hope to compete in that market!"

In one of the other stone tablets found during the dig, a pundit and long-time MS supporter named Jooba Berst wrote down "These new wheels will never be taken seriously in the marketplace. Who are you going to sue or hold accountable when the wheel breaks down and kills several hundred villagers-- woah WOAH-- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" *THUD*!

Vooga himself refuted those claims within the "Ooga!" Document itself: "Since these wheels are small, the chances of them running over and killing helpless villagers are extremely low. In addition to this, the wheels are skinny enough to allow what is known as 'steering' to avoid veering off course to begin with. And in the unlikely possibility of a wheel breakdown, the wheel can be easily fixed or replaced with a new one relatively cheaply."

Since MS was a large and powerful corporation, surely it must have had some kind of strategy against the hobbyist wheel-makers. Indeed, Vooga stated, "These hobbyists are unabashedly cream-skinning the best features of MS Wheel, such as the fact that it is round and is capable of rolling down hills." The solution? "The possibilities of clubbing the hobbyists to death or simply stealing their wheels have yet to be looked at."

Update: Linux vs. Redmond University

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 11, 1998

Redmond University Founded; Linux University Grants Ph.D to Robert X. Cringley

REDMOND, WA -- Recently Humorix reported that a nerd college was under construction in the small town of Linux, Missouri. In response to this news, the city of Redmond, WA, in conjunction with a consortium of Seattle area high tech companies, has announced plans for the construction of Redmond University. This college, whose motto will be "What do you want to learn today?", will be open Q3 of 1999.

While the focus of Linux University is Slashdot-reading nerds, Redmond University will appeal to students who want to learn about business and marketing in addition to programming. In other words, Redmond U. is for people who want to get rick quick off the computer revolution without contributing anything.

Our vast network of spies have obtained the tentative roster of classes that will be offered at Redmond U.:

• Tech Writing I: Dummies Books - How to write books similar to those in the "For Dummies" or "Idiot's Guides" series. The textbook for this class will be "Writing Dummies Guides... For Dummies."
• Tech Writing II: Software Documentation - How to write software manuals and other documentation. Students will learn to write technically accurate statements that don't contain any useful content or substance, forcing lemmings users to call the 1-900 tech support hotline for answers to their questions.
• Fundamentals of Communication - "Microspeak", the language of obscurity and hype used by a certain Redmond-based company, will be introduced. Students will learn to use such euphemisms as "issue", "known issue" and "innovation" in place of "bug", "bug we don't know how to fix", and "copying from the competition", respectively.
• Journalism & Critical Thinking for Pundits - Jesse Berst and other Ziff-Davis employers will teach this class on how to write columns and editorials for computer industry trade rags.
• Tech Support - How to deal with customers. Students will learn how to instruct callers on "fixing the problem by re-installing Windows" and how to blame the problem on other software programs. The use of euphemisms such as "known issue" and "design side effect" will be introduced.
• Reverse Engineering - How to reverse engineer software to extract trade secrets that can be integrated innovated in your own programs.
• Marketing I, II, III, IV, and V - A series of five classes that teach students effective marketing, spin, hype, and vaporware techniques. As Bill Gates said in 1995, "If you can't make it good, make it look good."
• Obfuscated Operating System Design - How to create operating system APIs that only you can understand.
• The Politics of Software Development - Or, "Why Richard M. Stallman is an idiot."

Students who attend Redmond U. will be given discounts on computer systems running Windows NT, Internet Explorer, Office, and Visual Studio. A Redmond city councilman said, "Microsoft will donate millions of dollars worth of software and hardware for the advancement of innovative and proactive educational opportunities at Redmond U. This university will set the de facto standard in computer industry education and training."

Reactions have been mostly negative. One high school student in the process of searching for a college said, "I've heard that Redmond U. will require all students to pass those MSCE tests before graduating. Is this college Redmond U. or Microsoft U.?" A college junior in Indiana said, "What's the big deal? A Microsoft-centric college? Aren't all colleges like that?"

LINUX, MO -- Earlier today Linux University announced that it will grant an honorary Ph.D to Robert X. Cringley/Marc Stephens and will offer him a part-time professor position. This announcement comes after Cringley's claims of earning a Stanford Ph.D and being a professor were exposed as untrue.

The university wants Cringley to teach the "History of Nerds" and "How to Become a FUD-free Pundit" classes. A university spokesman said, "Cringley/Stephens/Whatever will be a valuable part of our institution. He deserves a Ph.D more than some other people."

Cringley has not responded to the offer yet. Stanford was not available for comment at press time.

'Christmas' Document Leaked

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 8, 1998

Humorix has obtained a leaked memo written by an anonymous Red Hat employee. This document, titled "Closed Source Software: A (New?) Development Methodology", reports the author's findings about the up and coming threat from a new software development method innovated by Microsoft Corp. (a start-up company located in Redmond, WA and producer of such software applications as "Edlin", "Bob", "WordPad", and "Paintbrush").

The 'Christmas' Document is too lengthy to be reprinted here. Instead, we present some excerpts and quotes of particular interest. It's helpful to know that "CSS" is the author's abbreviation for "Closed Source Software".

"CSS poses a direct, short-term to Linux and Red Hat, particularly in server space. Additionally, the intrinsic anti-competitive nature and hype / marketing benefits in CSS are attributes that are not replicable with our current licensing model and therefore present a long term developer mindshare threat."

"Recent case studies (desktop operating systems and office productivity software) provide very dramatic evidence ... that near-commercial quality can be achieved / exceeded by CSS projects.

"Windows, Office, and other CSS products are making a progressively more credible argument that CSS software is almost as feature-rich as non-commercial alternatives. The desktop provides an ideal, high-visibility showcase for the CSS world."

"CSS projects have been able to gain a foothold in many server applications because of the utility of highly proprietary, complicated protocols. By ignoring or replacing these protocols with open standards, we can deny CSS projects entry into the market."

"The ability of the CSS process to collect and harness the collective IQ of thousands of employees by dangling stock options in their faces is simply amazing. More importantly, CSS evangelization scales with the price of Microsoft's stock much faster than our own evangelization efforts appear to scale.

"Paintbrush is a CSS project to create an Adobe Photoshop clone for Windows desktop machines. Feature-wise, however, the current version of Paintbrush is more akin to the Gimp (Version 0.001)."

Response to the Christmas Document has been negative. Several Visual Basic (Microsoft's new proprietary programming language) programmers were quite disturbed by the contents of the memo. "They want to commoditize protocols and utilize open standards? That's just wrong! Any idiot can tell you that 'security through obscurity' is the only way to go."

Several industry pundits and observers, including Jesse Burst and Lewis A. Meddler, Esq., shared similar views. Burst wrote in today's AnchorTable column, "A revolution is about to take place... those snot-nosed teenage hackers are about to be run over by progress. It's about time a company tried to make money from software instead of allowing hackers to flood the Net with free stuff." L.A.M.E. wrote, "Security in open source software is inherently lacking. Maybe with the advent of closed source software we can bring an end to all of the recent cracker attacks and break-ins. The fact that open source ssh was exploited to gain access to rootshell.com recently is proof of my contention: 'security through obscurity' rules!"

Erin S. Rameblatt, closed source advocate and author of the essay "The Orderly Cathedral and the Anarchist Bazaar", commented, "A paradigm shift in how software is written is taking place. The immoral ego-gratification and altruism inherent in open source software projects is coming to an end." Ricky M. Slawman, founder of the Proprietary Software Foundation and the GIM Project (GIM Is Microsoft), echoed a similar feeling. "GIM/Windows will achieve world domination against the unethical hordes of free software developers. Proprietary software for all! Resistance is futile..."

Microsoft and Red Hat were unavailable for comment. Red Hat, however, has acknowledged the authenticity of the document, adding, "We haven't read through the leaked memo word for word, but we think it is genuine."

Linux Ported to Homer Simpson's Brain

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 1, 1998

SPRINGFIELD -- Slashdot recently reported on Homer Simpson's brain "upgrade" to an Intel CPU. Intel hails the CPU transplant as the "World's Greatest Technological Achievement". Intel originally planned to install Microsoft Windows CE (Cerebrum Enhanced) on Homer's new PentiumBrain II processor. However, due to delays in releasing Windows CE, Intel decided to install DebianBrain Linux, the new Linux port for brains.

Computer industry pundits applaud the last minute switch from Windows to Linux. One said, "I was a bit concerned for Homer. With Windows CE, I could easily imagine Homer slipping into an infinite loop: ' General Protection Fault. D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh..." Or, at the worst, the Blue Screen of Death could have become much more than a joke."

Some pundits are more concerned about the quality of the Intel CPU. "Linux is certainly an improvement over Windows. But since it's running on a PentiumBrain chip, all bets are off. What if the chip miscalculates the core temperature of Sector 7-G of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant where Homer works? I can just imagine the story on the evening news... 'Dateline Springfield -- This city, in whatever state it's in, was obliterated into countless subatomic particles yesterday because Homer J. Simpson, nuclear power plant button-pusher, accidentally set the core temperature to 149.992322340948290 instead of 150...' If anything, an Alpha chip running Linux should have been used for Homer's new brain."

Homer is currently in stable condition at Springfield Memorial Hospital following the recent brain transplant. Dr. Nick Riviera said, "Hi, everybody! Everything is fine with Homer except for one small glitch. Every few minutes Homer says, 'I have an Intel Inside' and hums the four-note Intel jingle. Oh well." Dr. Nick then tried to persuade this Humorix reporter to accept his "Any operation -- including brain surgery -- for only $49.95!" special. I promptly refused.

Linux University Coming Soon

Fake News written by James Baughn on November 1, 1998

LINUX, MO -- Four months ago the small town of Linn, Missouri changed its name to Linux. Now the town is set to start construction on a new college built specifically for nerds. "Knowledge for Nerds. Stuff that Educates" will be the new college's motto.

Most nerds are already proficient in programming. However, when interviewing for a job, saying "I hack the Linux kernel" just isn't going to cut it. Employers want to see pieces of paper from universities proving that you're a programmer, even if you wrote your first "Hello World!" program in kindergarten. Linux University will strive to solve this problem. While the usual programming classes will be offered, the focus of the college will be on other nerdy topics that students may not be familiar with. This way, students can earn the same pieces of dead trees that other colleges offer, but without being bored in classes like "C++ for Dummies" for four years.

Some of the classes that the college will offer include:

• Fundamentals of Oral Communication - Learn how to effectively communicate with PHBs (Pointy Haired Bosses). Includes instructions on the proper use of political correctness and buzzwords. Emphasis is placed on the skill of persuading management to use your recommendations instead of those they heard at a Microsoft "workshop".
• Literature for Nerds - Students will grok the Jargon File, The Bastard Operator from Hell series, and selected science fiction works by Heinlein, Asimov, and others
• Study of New Media - Basically a goof-off class in which students "study" Slashdot, Freshmeat, and other nerdy "new media" ventures (in other words, websites)
• Art of Microbrewery - Learn how to make Open Source Beer.
• Biology of Penguins - A fascinating look at the secret lives of penguins.
• Geography for Nerds - Students will learn the answers to such as questions as:
  • Where are the best pizza parlors in the Boston area?
  • Where was Linus Torvalds born?
  • What are the best roads to take in Southern California to avoid traffic jams?
  • How many miles is it from Microsoft HQ to the Gates mansion?
  • What are the exact coordinates of Redmond, WA, in the rare event that I have access to nuclear warheads?
• Rhetorical and Critical Thinking - Students will debate on a range of topics, including:
  • "GNOME vs. KDE"
  • "Everything But the Kitchen Sink: Which is better, emacs or vi?
  • "Windows NT: New Technology or Not Trustworthy?" [Note: will probably be updated to "Windows 2000: Which is worse, Y2K or W2K?" -ed]
  • "Slashdot First Comment Posters Should Be..."
  • "The Holy War: Command Lines vs. Graphical Interfaces"
  • "Will Linux Achieve World Domination?"
  • "What Should Be Part of an Operating System?"
• Obfuscated Programming Language Design - Students learn how to create their own programming language, particularly one with a horrendously complicated syntax that only they can understand.
• Political Systems - A survey of the various forms of software development, including Bazaar, Cathedral, Dangle-Stock-Options-in-the-Programmers-Faces (used by Microsoft), among others. Students will learn the fundamental aspects of starting and maintaining an open source project while keeping everyone in line. Eric S. Raymond is scheduled to teach this class.
• Software Should Be Free, Dammit! - Richard M. Stallman will discuss the moral implications of selling commercial software.

Of course, Linux University will offer other "nerd-friendly" features besides classes. It should come as no surprise that every dorm room will have a T1 connection to the Net (T3 or better available for an additional fee). Each room on campus will have a Slashdot marquee that will flash the latest headlines. Every square inch on campus will be no more than 200 feet from a computer terminal.

Funding for the new college came from Intel, Netscape, Red Hat, VA Research, and other companies. Linux International, The Free Software Foundation, and many individual Linux enthusiasts also provided financial or other support. Those who contributed have been invited to the ground-breaking ceremony next week.

Reactions have been mostly positive. "This is cool," one high school student said. "Now let's just hope they offer really good scholarships." One Anonymous Coward observed, "This is just one more step towards World Domination." A recent college graduate noted, "I wish I was able to go to a school like this. At my college, the most technically advanced class they offered was 'Learning to Use Microsoft Visual Basic'. What a waste of four years."

However, not all are pleased. One pundit noted, "Why the heck does this have to be in Missouri of all places? The Show-Me State is nowhere near the traditional nerd areas of Boston and Silicon Valley. Well, I suppose it's better than Redmond, WA... but not much." Another pundit argued, "Look at all the classes they will offer. They're all bullshit classes! 'Biology of Penguins'? C'mon, that's absurd! I bet most businesses will consider Linux University degrees to be worthless and will hire MSCEs instead."

For more information, visit the Linux U. website at www.linux.edu.