Fake News
written by James Baughn
on December 31, 1998
from the fighting-in-the-trenches-of-retail-america dept.
SHERIDAN, WY -- In an unprecedented blow to Linux advocacy, Aaron McAdams, an employee at the Sheridan Try-N-Save Discount Store, was fired last week. According to the store's general manager, McAdams was fired because "he constantly rearranged items on shelves so that Linux-related books and software boxes would be displayed more prominently than Windows merchandise." McAdams' boss added, "If he would have spent as much time actually working as he did hiding Windows books at the back of shelves, he wouldn't have received the pink slip."
The general manager supplied Humorix with videotapes from the store's security cameras showing McAdams in action. In one scene, he takes a whole stack of "...For Dummies" books and buries them in the Cheap Romance section, an area of the store rarely visited by computer users. In another, McAdams can be plainly seen setting copies of Red Hat Linux in front of a large, eye-catching display of various Microsoft products at the front of the store. Finally, at one point McAdams can be seen slapping huge tags reading "DEMO DISPLAY BOX -- NOT AVAILABLE UNTIL 1999" on boxes of Windows 98.
Not surprisingly, McAdams disputes his bosses accusations. "If he would spend more time actually working instead of peering over security camera footage for hours on end, this store might actually turn a profit for a change." He is currently trying to round up investors to form a Linux-based ISP for the Northern Wyoming area. "No more minimum wage hell for me," McAdams gloated.
While this incident is a sad moment for Linux advocates everywhere, one Linux hacker noted, "What? There's a store in Wyoming of all places that sells Linux stuff? This I gotta see! You know you've gone mainstream when a podunk retail store in remote Wyoming offers your product."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on December 30, 1998
from the he-made-his-list-and-checked-it-twice dept.
Santa Claus' monopoly of the holiday global gift-giving industry has apparently ended. According to our Vast Spy Network(tm), Tux the Penguin was spotted around the world doling out Christmas presents to countless people. We here at Humorix World Headquarters were a bit skeptical when the first reports of "Santa Tux" sightings emerged, but after being deluged with hundreds of reports from our spy network, we're now believers.
On Christmas morning, an undetermined number of people on Santa Tux's list received Linux CDs or books in their stockings. A lucky few who had contributed to Linux development received shiny new Alpha 600Mhz computer systems. One Santa Tux beneficiary told us, "It's about time I got something decent for Christmas. Forget cookies and milk, I'm leaving out raw fish next year for the new saint of gift-giving, Tux the Penguin."
Details are still sketchy about the logistics behind Tux's gift-giving operation. "How does a single penguin deliver thousands -- if not millions -- of gifts around the world in one night? I can't figure it out," said one Linux hacker. An anonymous source told us that US military radar picked up "something wierd" coming back and forth from the South Pole during Christmas Eve. When we pressed the government for confirmation, a military spokesman said simply, "It was a weather balloon." Needless to say, we're stumped.
Not everyone is enthusiastic about Tux the Penguin's latest endeavor. Wrote one Ziff-Davis columnist, "This is just plain stupid. You expect me to believe that a penguin in a British zoo is able to deliver thousands of Linux CDs and books to people all around the world in one night? Preposterous!"
[Brief unsolicited editorial rant: You expect me to believe that a Ziff-Davis pundit in Silicon Valley is able to deliver a well-written, thoughtful commentary to thousands of people all around the world every day? Preposterous!]
The Ziff-Davis columnist's tirade continued, "This is obviously a hoax initiated by Linux zealots for publicity. Those crazy Linux advocates will do anything for attention. Now, changing the subject to a more realistic topic, I've been told that Microsoft plans to release Windows 2000/NT 5 in the first half of 1999..."
Bill Gates is reportedly not too thrilled about Santa Tux, either. In one internal Microsoft memo obtained by Humorix via secret channels, Bill Gates wrote, "Thousands of people (or more) received FREE Linux CDs and books from a benevolent penguin! Of course, I'm sure the Justice Department won't investigate this obviously anti-competitive practice of dumping free software in an attempt to steal hard-earned market share away from us. This makes me sick..."
In another memo, Steve Ballmer notes, "This 'Santa Tux' scheme is brilliant. We need to embrace and extend this concept. I propose we fund our own holiday gift-giving venture ('Santa Bill' perhaps?) and give away Internet Explorer and old Windows 95 CDs to children all over the world. We get good publicity and ensure a quick demise of Netscape and Linux."
If Ballmer gets his way, the old "Microsoft Acquires Christmas" jokes that have been circulating around the Net for years might not be a joke for much longer.
Santa Claus and his parent company, Claus & Co. Gift Givers, Inc., were unavailable for comment at press time.
Fake News
written by William Stuart
on December 17, 1998
from the no-wonder-transmeta-is-so-secretive dept.
SANTA CLARA, CA -- The INS has reported raiding the headquarters of Transmeta, Inc. to uncover a secret Finn smuggling operation. Over the past few months, Transmeta has been secretly bringing "Finnbacks", as they are called, into this country to work in their chip design sweatshop.
One INS agent said about the Transmeta sweatshop, "Oh, it was horrible! Finns to the left, Finns to the right... Oh the humanity!" Another exclaimed, "The place was awful with Finns! Working in horrible conditions! PCs running FREE software, chairs with only 3" of padding, 17" monitors! I get choked up just thinking about it!"
A frequent alt.sysadmin.recovery poster, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "Those fscking Finnbacks are stealing all of our jobs!"
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on December 15, 1998
from the wait-until-rms-hears-about-this dept.
REDMOND, WA -- In a first attempt at "embrace-and-extend" of open source software, Microsoft will release its popular Solitaire and FreeCell games as open source under the MILA (Microsoft Innovative License Agreement). According to a Microsoft press release, the Visual C++ source code for the two games will be available from the Microsoft website "in the first quarter" (no year was specified).
Industry pundits hail the move as revolutionary. "Microsoft's release of its most popular Windows feature as open source software demonstrates just how innovative the company really is. The DoJ is clearly barking up the wrong tree," wrote one Ziff-Davis flunkie. One executive at a large company said, "Freely available source code is one the best ideas Microsoft has ever invented."
Many observers, however, are not so thrilled. "The Solitaire license is certainly not open source," one Linux hacker noted. "One of the terms of the license is that developers must not ever create a game that has the potential of competing with Microsoft or one of Microsoft's 'partners'. This is clearly unacceptable."
Another Linux developer told Humorix, "Let's just hope some fool doesn't try to port this thing to Linux. Imagine the havoc that could ensue if a bunch of core Linux contributors downloaded Solitaire and became addicted to it. It would be a disaster! Linux and open source development would grind to a halt while the hackers wasted their time playing Solitaire or FreeCell. 'Just one more game...' they would say."
Feature
written by James Baughn
on December 9, 1998
from the better-than-sweaters-or-underwear dept.
'Tis the season for websites of all kinds to feature Christmas gift guides filled with over-priced knicknacks sure to send your friends and loved ones dashing to the store for a refund on December 26th. Humorix is no exception. After extensive testing here at Humorix World Headquarters, the staff has collected a list of four recommended gifts for the Linux lover on your list.
Linux-of-the-Month Club
Price: US$60 for a one year membership
Producer: CheapNybbles; 1-800-LINUX-CD
It's the gift that keeps on giving. Every month a CD-ROM with a different Linux distribution or BSD Unix flavor will be sent in the mail. This is the perfect gift for those that have been using Slackware since day one and haven't gotten around to trying another distribution. Or, for those friends or relatives that still cling to Windows, a Linux-of-the-Month club membership is the perfect way to say, "Your OS sucks".
Nerd Trading Cards
Price: $10/pack
Producer: Bottomms; 1-800-NRDS-ROK
Forget baseball, nerd trading cards are the future. Now your kids can collect and trade cards of their favorite open source hackers and computer industry figures. Some of the cards included feature Linus Torvalds, Richard M. Stallman, and Larry Wall. Also contains cards for companies (Red Hat, Netscape, Transmeta, etc.), specific open source programs (Apache, Perl, Mozilla, etc.), and well-known websites (Slashdot, Freshmeat, etc.). Each card features a full-color picture on the front and complete information and statistics on back. Some of the cards have even been autographed. Quit trying to search eBay.com for a Mark McGwire rookie card and collect nerd cards instead!
iTux Penguin Computer
Price: $999.95 for base model
Producer: Orange Computer, Co.; 1-800-GET-ITUX
Based on the Slashdot comments, response to the Apple iMac from the Linux community was lukewarm at best. Orange Computer, Co., has picked up where Apple left behind and produced the iTux computer specifically for Linux users who want to "Think a lot different".
The self-contained iTux computer system is built in the shape of Tux the Penguin. Its 15 inch monitor (17 inch available next year) is located at Tux's large belly. The penguin's two feet make up the split ergonomic keyboard (without those annoying Windows keys, of course). A 36X CD-ROM drive fits into Tux's mouth. Tux's left eye is actually the reboot button (can be reconfigured for other purposes since it is rarely used) and his right eye is the power button. The iTux case opens up from the back, allowing easy access for screwdriver-wielding nerds into Tux's guts.
The US$995.95 model contains an Alpha CPU and all the usual stuff found in a Linux-class machine. More expensive models, to be debuted next year, will feature dual or quad Alpha CPUs and a larger size.
Microsoft Destruction Kit
Price: US$29.95 (more with optional digital camera or shotgun)
Producer: The Fuzzier Image; 1-800-BILL-SUX
Mix an Internet Explorer CD-ROM, a rocket launcher, and a flamethrower. What do you have? A whole lot of fun! The Microsoft Destruction Kit is the best way to destroy those Microsoft CD-ROMs you no longer need now that you've discovered Linux. You can launch the CD (and registration forms, manuals, retail boxes, license agreements, etc.) and pepper it with bullets, all while capturing the event with a digital camera. Or, you can use the included miniature flamethrower to burn the evil CD to a crisp. The kit comes with a set of IE 4.0 CDs to get you started. Tell Microsoft "where you want it to go today" in style with the Microsoft Destruction Kit.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on December 4, 1998
from the that-purple-dinosaur-must-be-eliminated dept.
REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft confirmed today that a 'known issue' exists with Microsoft ActiMates Barney toys produced before September 1998. This 'issue' causes Barney to behave erratically -- even violently -- when in the presence of any item resembling a penguin.
One parent, Susan McElrath, caught Barney's 'known issue' while taping her two sons, Jason and Timmy, as they played together one day last March. The shocking videotape of the incident will be aired next month on the FOX TV network special "When Toys Attack III".
The two children were playing with their "interactive" Barney toy while watching a Barney videotape. Meanwhile, Timmy was clutching his stuffed Tux the Penguin toy he had received as a birthday present the previous week.
While singing along with the song "I Love Bill. Bill Loves Me...", the Barney toy suddenly, as Susan later described it, "came to life". It jumped up and attacked Tux the Penguin while shouting "Die! Die! Die!" Thankfully, before Barney was able to rip Tux to shreds, it uttered 'Fatal Exception Error' and froze in place. After Timmy hit the purple dinosaur toy on the left side several times, it came back to life and returned to its normal, non-penguin-attacking behavior.
Since then, both boys have been seeing a child psychologist to try to overcome their new found phobia of purple dinosaurs and Microsoft products. "Barney is evil," Jason frequently says.
The McElrath incident is only one of many. Several months ago the anti-penguin 'known issue' also surfaced in the ActiMates Barney PC software. Bob Jenkins was using the Barney software to draw and print out a picture of his house. However, the software printed out something else -- a picture of a mutilated penguin with the caption "Die, Tux, Die!" along with a whole string of expletives. Computer experts believe the 'known issue' was triggered when the software detected a Linux installation, used by Bob's father, in another partition. "Where do I want to go today? Back to the store for a refund!" the enraged father exclaimed.
Another incident occured just last week involving a "Don't Fear the Penguin... Fear the Slashdot Effect!" T-shirt. John Barlow was attacked by his son's Barney toy, which latched on to his penguin shirt and refused to let go. John had to disable the bezerk Microsoft product by prying lose its batteries. The toy is now buried under 20 feet of dirt at the local landfill.
While Microsoft has acknowleged the defect in the Barney toy, a recall has not been called. Concerned parents may trade-in their current Barney toys for the new version 2.0 Barney (at a $24.95 expense) which does not contain the 'known issue'. Call 1-800-PAY-BILL for more information.
Fake News
written by Robert Werner
on December 2, 1998
from the einstein-is-turning-in-his-grave dept.
NEW YORY, NY -- Noted theoretical physicist and doom-and-gloom predictor Dryphus G. Corgley warned of the 'Black Hole Problem' at a symposium held at New York Upstairs Community College yesterday. Corgley claims that /dev/null could reach the point of critical mass and cross the line from simple bit bucket to gravitational well. His dire warning stems from the earlier discussion about the back hole properties of /dev/null held at the Unconventional Scientist Convention '98 last week.
"Everyone knows Unix has been around in various forms for nearly 30 years. With all that crap going into /dev/null over such a long period, we should see an Event Horizon developing around the earliest model PDP-11 within the next 10 months," ranted Dryphus G. Corgley. He went on to state emphatically, "Other models will follow at an exponential growth rate until by December 31, 1999 all Unix and Linux machines will begin making their own /dev/null induced holes. These miniature black holes will rapidly coalesce into one microscopic gravity well, swallowing the Earth in the process. The gravity well could be the most massive object this side of the galactic core."
Ironicaly, according to the scientist's calculations, the Seattle, WA area will be the last chunk of Earth to be sucked into the gravity well. This is due to the high concentration of Microsoft OS-based computers. "Microsoft rejected Unix tradition and instead used the Blue Screen of Death as a mechanism to periodically empty the Recycle Bin," stated one of Corgley's vapid assistants.
When asked for clarification as to how /dev/null could be the source of such dense matter, Corgley responded with phrases such as "Einsteinian quantam relativity", "the sub atomic nature of quarks and glueons", and "three bottles of beer to demonstrate the conversion of energy to matter."
Many of the scientists attending the symposium were skeptical of Corgley's claims. One joked, "The only gravity well we'll ever deal with is from the critical mass of bloat reached by Microsoft software during the next decade." Another asked, "Aren't you the same guy that was recently featured in a National Expirer tabloid article for having a chicken that lays gold and silver eggs? I think you have a bit of a credibility problem."
One symposium attendee, a Microsoft employee, was quick to put a positive spin on Corgley's theory. "This is yet another reason why Unix systems are inferior to Windows NT^H^H2000 systems. With Windows, you don't have to worry about being sucked into a black hole. Bill Gates is clearly the savior of the human race for trying to end the hideous plot by Unix developers to destroy the solar system."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on December 1, 1998
from the yet-another-convention-filled-with-mad-scientists dept.
NEW YORK, NY -- What happens when stuff is sent to /dev/null? Common knowledge dictates that it is deleted. However, a group of scientists suggest otherwise. At the Unconventional Scientist '98 Convention held in New York last week, several experts theorized that /dev/null is actually a portal to another dimension or universe. Others claimed that top secret government agencies or large multinational corporations (read: Microsoft) are using it to spy on innocent Unix users.
Bob "Paranoid" Johnson, a consultant for the National Expirer tabloid, said in a panel discussion, "Stuff sent to /dev/null on Unix systems, the Trash Can on Mac systems, and the Recycle Bin on Windows systems, is not really deleted. It is cached in a secret location on the hard drive until such time that the user is connected to the Net. Then it is sent over the Net to a destination me and my research team has been unable to identify. We suspect the 'resurrected' packets are sent to a government agency, perhaps as part of the 'Echelon' system. Or, for all we know, Bill Gates might be the recipient of all these packets, which usually consist of flames, spam, and porn."
When asked for proof of his contention, Johnson stuttered nervously and said, "Well, ah... I've compiled logs of all the, uhhh, packets transferred from my test system to some unknown Net server. These logs show some very, ah... suspicious occurences. But, well [cough]... I, um, accidentally left these logs on my other laptop computer which is still in, ahem, my hotel room. Sorry about that. I'll publish my logs and other findings on my website Real Soon Now."
Several other scientists argued that /dev/null acts like the singularity in a black hole. One said, "The bits sent to /dev/null have to go somewhere, just like the stuff that falls into a black hole. Physicists have speculated that black holes act as a portal or wormhole to other realms. If this is true, then it should be quite clear that /dev/null acts in a similar way. Unsuspecting Unix users could be sending their flames and porno to another realm/dimension/universe/whatever."
One convention attendee added half-jokingly, "Perhaps we're on the receiving end of one of those 'portals'. For all we know, the increased bloat in Microsoft software could be from excess bits funneled through /dev/null (or the equivalent) into our universe from another. Some guy in another realm could be sending his flame email to /dev/null, blissfully unaware that it's being included as part of our universe's Windows 2000!"
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