Feature
written by James Baughn
on January 30, 1999
from the fear-the-daemon dept.
In this second installment of Ask Humorix, the Humorix Oracle responds to this query sent in by Mark Greene: "I just installed Linux on a new computer. Everything appears to be working okay, except for one problem. I keep getting these strange "lp1 on fire" errors from the Linux kernel. What exactly does this mean? Should I buy a sprinkler system for my computer room?"
The Humorix Oracle says:
Dear Immigrant From Windows:
This is a very serious problem! Every Unix system contains a set of daemons which control aspects of the system in the background. However, daemons are not always innocuous software processes that run in the background unattended. These little escapees from hell, when angered, have the power to set fire to your components. Printers are usually the first thing to be ignited because the lpd daemon is particularly hot-tempered. Modems are also another target; the pppd daemon is quite sensitive (just trying to configure PPP to work with your modem is proof of this).
Unfortunately, the "fire" that these deamons set is not immediately visible. It is a wierd kind of slow-burning hellish fire that humans can't sense. (Dogs can smell it, though. If your dog ever starts barking at your printer or computer, you've got a problem!) Thankfully, almost all Linux kernels have a mechanism to detect daemon fire. The "lp1 on fire" message you saw was Linux's way of warning you about this problem. (In an interesting side note, Linus Torvalds had major problems with daemons when he was first developing Linux. He almost rewrote the whole operating system so it would utilize "background tasks" instead of "daemons").
Your first reaction may be to douse your printer with a bucket of luke warm water. This will only make the lpd daemon angrier, and could cause him to set fire to your hard drive. One temporary solution is to fill your printer with flame retardant foam popcorn. These should have been shipped with your printer (you've kept the original box, right?). However, using popcorn will only put out the fire. The daemon will still be angry.
An easy way to stop the lpd daemon is to issue the kill lpd command. However, this is not recommended. As soon as lpd is launched again (you do plan on using your printer again, right?), he'll be angrier than ever and might consider setting fire to your whole system (or worse!).
You need to find a way to pacify the deamon. The lpd daemond, in particular, despises Microsoft software. If you have Windows installed in another partition, I'd recommend you delete it soon. This might be enough to appease the daemon indefinitely. If not, then you'll have to try harder. Daemons behave, in some ways, like children or pets. They want attention, and will do anything they can to annoy you unless you give it to them. Occasionally typing "Good lpd daemon! Good boy!" at a shell prompt may help. The daemon may also be hungry. Send something interesting to the printer (such as a juicy Microsoft joke) to feed it.
If all else fails, you can type in, "Listen here, Mr. Daemon. If you keep misbehaving, I'll have to delete Linux and install Windows! Do we have an understanding?" This should do the trick.
You owe the Humorix Oracle an ATX computer case made from flame-resistant material.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on January 28, 1999
from the could-you-get-fired-for-advocating-linux? dept.
Recently, Humorix reported that an employee at a retail store had been fired for advocating Linux during work. Since that story, we've received several other reports of nerds fired for Linux advocacy or Microsoft bashing. It would appear that the "Linux Advocacy Crackdown" has only just begun.
Some recent firings include:
- An employee at a Staples store in St. Louis, MO was fired after he had changed the configuration of the screensavers on the demo computers so they would flash the text, "Sick of Windows? Visit www.linux.org!"
- A cashier at the electronics department at a Wal-Mart store in Houston, TX was fired after he handed out Linux brochures to customers as they checked out.
- An assistant manager at a Hastings store in Spokane, WA was fired when he replaced boxes of Windows 98 on the shelves with boxes of the parody program "Macroshaft Winblows 98".
- A worker at a Barnes & Nobel bookstore in New York City was fired after he slapped "50% off!" stickers on a bunch of Linux books.
- An employee at a Babbage's software store in Chicago was fired after he told several customers that "Red Hat Linux is the codename Microsoft uses for Windows 98."
- A technician working in the control room of a TV station in Miami, FL was fired after he crawled the phrase "Microsoft sucks!" across the screen during a commercial for the Microsoft Network.
- An assistant editor for Websters Dictionary was fired after he tried to add the Microsoft logo next to the definitions for "monopoly" and "bug".
- A worker at a bookstore in Sacramento, CA was fired after he consistently placed books published by Microsoft Press on the top shelves where no one could reach them without assistance. O'Reilly books, of course, were stocked on lower shelves.
- A lawyer at Microsoft was fired for recommending that all Microsoft license agreements have a refund clause.
One victim of the ongoing Linux Advocacy Crackdown told Humorix, "Yes, I'm mad that I was let go. What's so bad about sending a harmless email to all my co-workers warning that Windows 98 contains a Doomsday Virus set to format the user's hard drive on August 24, 1999? It was just a joke! However, I'm going to make the best of this. I'm going to start my own 'portal' website and make a fortune! With the stock market like it is, I'll be able to have an IPO within weeks and become a billionaire. If those yahoos over at Yahoo can do it, so can I!"
One Linux kernel hacker observed, "The crackdown on Linux advocacy can't last forever. Eventually, Linux will achieve world domination! Then all the PHBs and the MSCEs will be groveling at our feet..." The hacker then broke into a fit of sinister laughter.
Book Review
written by Jon Splatz
on January 26, 1999
from the I-Cant-Write-Funny-Dept-Names dept.
[Editor's Note: Jon Splatz is Humorix's new pundit and social commentator. Any relation between Jon Splatz and the person that frequently posts long-winded social commentaries and book reviews to Slashdot is purely coincidental. In Splatz's first piece, he presents the first ever Humorix book review. Yes, yes, I realize that the idea of posting book reviews was blatantly stolen from Slashdot. I promise that Humorix won't steal any more Slashdot ideas. For awhile.]
Could Linus Torvalds be a visitor from the future attempting to change the course of future events? Is Linus? goal of "world domination" much more than a joke? Could "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" become the blueprint for a future gift-based economy? In the new sci-fi book "The Linux Revolution" (Faux Press, $19.95) by Linux developer John McFarland, the answer to all these questions is yes.
Unfortunately, the Humorix staff didn?t have enough clout to obtain a review copy of the book. However, since I absolutely loathe writing "book reports", I don?t mind this setback too much. Instead, I am quite happy to write a review of this book using the publisher?s press release and other promotional material as the basis, much in the same way that millions of students write book reports without actually reading the book. In this way, I can save much precious mental effort and time that could be better spent relaxing, reading the ton of flame e-mail messages I receive from testosterone-crazed adolescent dirtballs, and making up excuses for why I don't have Linux installed on my machine.
"The Linux Revolution" presents an alternate reality in which Linus Torvalds wasn't born until 2002, Linux was never created, and a giant mega-corporation holds more power than all world governments combined. The mega-corporation, known as the Allied Companies of Earth (or simply, "The Company"), controls 95% of the world's corporate wealth.
The foundation of The Company is Microsoft, whose growth was so unstoppable in the early 21st century that Bill Gates (and his heirs after he was assasinated) had the power to dominate or outright acquire most of the world?s companies - which, of course, it did. By the end of the 21st century, Microsoft had become The Company, which controlled almost every industry and many governments.
In this alternate universe, Microsoft was unchallenged by Linux. Several keys members of the Department of Justice "disappeared" under mysterious circumstances, right when the anti-trust trial was in full swing. Several other factors, not present in our reality, contributed to the rise of the Microsoft Empire.
Even though The Company controlled the world in a "Big Brother" fashion, there existed a small, but technologically advanced, underground resistance movement. Richard M. Stallman, executed on charges of treason (promoting free software and Microsoft alternatives), was the Underground?s martyr. At the beginning of the book, one young man, Linus Torvalds (and, of course, the main character), discovers a method of one-way time travel into the past. After much planning, he and several friends travel back to the late I980s to begin their Great Adventure: to plant the seeds for "The Linux Revolution".
If you want to know what happens, you?ll have to read the book. And could you please send me a copy? I?d like to know what happens, too!
This book is slated for release in March. You will be able to buy it at any online bookstore that sells fake books.
You can e-mail me at jonsplatz [at] i-want-a-website [dot] com.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on January 23, 1999
from the tux-wants-a-salary-of-raw-herring dept.
You've probably heard that the new animated "Dilbert" TV series is scheduled to premiere on UPN next Monday. What you may not realize is that afterwards UPN is scheduled to show the premiere for another new animated show, "Millennium Penguin". This show will feature Tux the Penguin as a private investigator who solves high-tech crimes.
Tux is joined by several friends (Wilbur the Gimp, the lovable BSD daemon, and more) who will assist him in tracking down his arch nemesis, Gill Bates, and his evil band of marketing goons and demented lawyers. Tux and friends will also have to outsmart the Instale Rabbit People and a never-ending horde of venture capitalists, pointy haired bosses, moronic computer store employees, and more (in effect, everyone who has ever waged war against geekdom).
In the pilot episode, Tux is hired to investigate a mysterious fire at the Transmeta offices in Silicon Valley. Using clues found at the scene and his cunning powers of deduction, Tux is able to track down the arsonist: an Elbonian terrorist. When confronted, however, the terrorist claims he had made a mistake and set fire to the wrong building. He meant to destroy the offices of Metatrans, Inc. just down the street, which he says is a front for a Neeobian software smuggling operation (Neeobia and Elbonia have been at war for hundreds of years).
Later, Tux is kidnapped by a crack team of Instale Rabbit People. He is then told the truth: the "Elbonian terrorist" was actually an Instale operative attempting to destroy Transmeta, Instale's arch rival. Using his ability to charge at speeds of over 100mph, Tux is able to escape from the Instale compound and return to safety. Of course, he'll meet up again with the Instale Rabbit People and other shady, unscrupulous characters in future episodes.
With "Dilbert" and "Millennium Pengiun", UPN's strategy is to aim its Monday night lineup towards geeks and techies. Said one UPN executive, "Those other networks all have the same kinds of predictable shows. Nerds just aren't interested in sitcoms and medical dramas. We want to pry nerds away from their computer screens for an hour each Monday night and have them watch quality nerd-oriented television (and, of course, lots of commercials) that just can't be found on the other networks."
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on January 22, 1999
from the lawyers-continue-to-reign-their-domain dept.
The endless series of trademark disputes over domain names continues. Now Publishers Clearing House (PCH) is suing Linux Mall for its "unauthorized" use of the prizepatrol.net domain name. Earlier today, executives at Linux Mall received ominous "You might already be a defendant!" letters in the mail signed by Ed McMahon.
Since registering prizepatrol.net in September 1998, Linux Mall has kept its plans for the domain name secret. However, with the help of our faithful Vast Spy Network(tm), Humorix has been able to piece together Linux Mall's future strategy. It involves America Online's marketing strategy (filling people's mailboxes with floppy disks and CD-ROMs) and PCH's sweepstakes scheme.
According to our sources, Linux Mall has plans to send bulk quantities of modified Red Hat Linux CDs to millions of postal addresses across the US. Linux Mall and Red Hat will jointly pay for this marketing campaign. Each CD will come with full documentation on disk, along with a printed instruction sheet, a "What the heck is Linux?" promotional leaflet, and an "Install this free software and win!" notice.
The sweepstakes scheme is simple: "Install Linux and you could be visited by the Linux Mall Prize Patrol!" When the recipient uses Linux to connect to the Internet, they will have the option to send the serial number of their CD (along with their contact info) to prizepatrol.net. A drawing will be held to determine the winning serial numbers. Linux Mall employees dressed in Tux the Penguin costumes (the Prize Patrol) will deliver the prizes to the winners.
Details of the PCH lawsuit against Linux Mall have been sketchy. We do know that PCH holds the prizepatrol.com domain name, so they may have a valid legal claim to prizepatrol.net. We'll keep you posted with the latest updates to this story as fast as we can make them up.
Feature
written by James Baughn
on January 18, 1999
from the anyone-want-to-invest-in-humorix? dept.
We here at Humorix have no qualms against stealing an idea from Slashdot and twisting it for our own purposes. In that spirit, we present this first installment of "Ask Humorix" in which the Humorix Oracle gives fake answers to questions submitted by fake readers.
Today's question, submitted by A. McJenkins: "I've been watching the explosive growth of Internet stocks. I'd like to get in on this, but my brother says that the Net bubble will soon burst. What should I do? Got any hot stock tips to share?"
The Humorix Oracle says:
Dear Materialistic Supplicant:
Your brother is wrong. The explosive growth of high-tech stocks will continue until all of the companies are acquired by Microsoft. Even though many Net companies have shown little or no profit, they are backed by an endless stream of investments from venture capitalists chanting buzzwords like "portal", "new media", and "e-commerce". My advice: invest, invest, invest!
I do have one hot stock tip for you. The Air Capital Linux Users Group will go public with its stock next week. I guarantee that this IPO will be the hottest of the year. [The Humorix legal team wants to point out that this guarantee is not valid in most states. -- The Editor]
I'm sure you're scratching your head, wondering how a small Linux LUG in Kansas has the potential to become a multi-billion dollar company. Simple: they have a portal. The ACLUG Linux News page -- a portal -- combines the news headlines from Slashdot, LinuxToday, Freshmeat, and others, in addition to the latest User Friendly and Dilbert cartoons into one page.
As history has shown, the stock price of any institution maintaining anything remotely resembling a portal has skyrocketed to unbelievable levels. In today's economy, if you create a portal, you're a billionaire instantly. And if you invest in a company with a portal, you can't possibly lose.
[The Oracle's recommendation of ACLUG is based on the objective analysis of stock trends and other factors. The fact that ACLUG prominently displays Humorix headlines on its "portal" page has absolutely no effect on the Oracle's judgement in any way. Or, at least, that's what he claims. -- The Editor]
You owe the Oracle an extra-large Slashdot T-shirt with the slogan "I'm a Slashdot Longhair" on the back.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on January 18, 1999
from the homesteading-the-slashdot-frontier dept.
Several months ago Humorix reported on a game available for Linux that allowed users to play the part of Bill Gates in running Microsoft. Now, instead of Bill Gates, a new game will allow users to play the part of Linus Torvalds in developing an operating system from scratch using the bazaar development method. Coding has already started on this game, SimNoosphere, and version 1.0 should be available by June.
The game begins with that fateful Usenet posting that started it all. It ends when Linux (or whatever name you decide to call it) achieves "world domination". Players have to contend with all the many obstacles a "benevolent dictator" must face, such as irate emails from mediocre coders whose patches were ignored, the risk of a code fork, trademark disputes, constant stupid questions like "How do you pronounce Linux?" and "What exactly is your job at Transmeta?", reporters who can't understand that Linux is not freeware, Ziff-Davis columns that claim Linux isn't a viable alternative, the threat of a Microsoft patent lawsuit, etc.
The SimNoosphere developers are also planning a plug-in architecture, allowing the game to be extended to encompass other people and projects besides Linux. A few of the plug-in ideas that the SimNoosphere developers have tossed around include:
- Slashdot: Playing the part of Rob Malda, your mission is to turn Slashdot into the successful "new media" venture it is today. At first you have to scrounge to make enough money to pay for the continuous hardware upgrades that are needed to meet demand. Otherwise, Slashdot will always be down and people will leave "Crashdot" in droves to become addicted to some other website. You also have to make sure that certain things don't get out of your control, such as flame wars, the Slashdot Effect, Sengan's editorial license, etc.
- Eric S. Raymond: As the "ambassador" of the Open Source(tm) movement, you have to insure that the Linux geeks and the corporate PHBs don't kill each other as they try to cooperate to move Linux into the enterprise. You also have to keep a firm lock on the Open Source(tm) trademark, making sure it doesn't fall into the hands of those evil SPI people. Meanwhile, you have to maintain a tight calendar of attending conventions, speaking at Linux user group meetings, talking with corporate bigwigs, inflating your ego, building a spy network to snag internal Microsoft memos, writing long essays that will inevitably spark a flame war on Slashdot, etc.
- Richard M. Stallman: Playing the "Saint of Free Software", you have a similar job as ESR, but instead of incessantly promoting "Open Source", you promote "GNU/Linux". You constantly have to explain to confused reporters that all software should be free, dammit!
As one SimNoosphere developer said, "The possibilities are endless. Now all Linux users can have that wonderful ego-gratification (simulated, of course) that the head honchos feel."
I asked about the possibility of a plug-in for a somewhat popular Linux humor website, but the reply was less than enthusiastic: "Are you talking about Humorix? Sorry, but that would make a pretty boring game."
Several anonymous sources have told Humorix that the lawyers at Maxis (the producer of SimCity and related games) are rearing their ugly heads. It seems that Maxis claims a trademark on any name or word beginning with "Sim" (i.e. SimCity, SimAnt, Simi Valley, simple, etc.), and therefore the company's legal team is licking its chops at the possibility of suing the SimNoosphere developers.
Fake News
written by Black iMage
on January 12, 1999
from the did-jesse-berst-burst? dept.
SILICON VALLEY, CA -- EMS teams were called to the corporate HQ of Ziff-Davis Publishing this morning after a number of journalists and editors were found in a catatonic state. "It was unbelievable," said one paramedic. "They were just sitting there motionless, staring at a Blue Screen of Death." Specialists from the Center for Disease Control were hastily brought in from Atlanta. They quickly made an astonishing discovery.
"Most viruses are genus-specific," said Dr. Ivan Nastikoff. "A cold virus which infects humans won't infect monkeys, for example. But this is the first known case of a virus which can infect both humans and computers! It came over the Internet. It infects people through the keyboard, then causes Windows NT Workstation to crash."
"Progress of the infection is very swift," said Dr. Krankheit. "There is a period of catatonia which lasts approximately thirty minutes. Then the victim recovers, but his intelligence quotient has been permanently lowered."
By analogy with the 'smart' virus which recently attacked MCI, investigators are calling this the 'dumb' virus because it causes major brain damage, effectively reducing the victim's IQ by several points. "But since the average IQ of a Ziff-Davis journalist is quite low, they shouldn't notice any change," said Dr. Krankheit. "They can go right back to bashing Linux and receiving kickbacks from Microsoft."
An anonymous Microsoft spokesman said he knew nothing about the 'dumb' virus, and insisted that Windows NT was the most secure OS in the world, resistant to both viruses and hackers. He also denied reports that Microsoft has been working with the Department of Defense on new forms of germ warfare. "This incident is regretable, but it was beyond our control," the unnamed source said.
Feature
written by James Baughn
on January 2, 1999
from the wild-guessing-at-its-finest dept.
With each New Year it seems almost every publication, from the Ernie County Gossip-Observer to the New York Times, is filled with predictions for the coming year. Not wanting to pass up on journalistic tradition and an easy opportunity to write comedy with little mental effort, Humorix is proud to present its predictions for the last year of the millennium. If these predictions don't turn out, this article will be silently deleted at the end of the year and nobody will be the wiser. But, if some of these predictions do become reality, rest assured that we here at Humorix World Headquarters won't brag. Much. Okay, maybe a little.
Prediction #1: Several hundred (or even thousand) sites will crash as a direct result of the Slashdot Effect. The exclamation "May your site be hit with the Rob-Malda-Link-of-Death(tm)!" will become the ultimate curse. Webmasters everywhere will quake at the slightest mention of those two ominous words, "Slashdot Effect". Website hosting services that offer "unlimited bandwidth" will append their service policies to add the stipulation, "Unlimited bandwidth does not apply to hits from Slashdot.org; in the event of a Slashdot Effect, your site will be taken offline for at least 24 hours without opportunity for legal recourse."
Prediction #2: Some webmasters of major Linux-related websites will succumb to the omnipresent itch to redesign their entire website on a whim. The need to tinker with the design of their site will force some webmasters to spend weeks on end hacking HTML and Perl while living off stale coffee and cold pizza. In some cases, the hard-working webmaster will be rewarded with thousands of flames from angry visitors demanding to know why the heck the layout has been altered. "The new layout sucks! And you suck!" the angry horde of flamers will rant. A massive flame war will erupt between the angry horde and those that actually like the new design. At the height of the maelstrom, the webmaster will get unbelievably angry and shut down his site, replacing it with a "all flamers should rot in hell" message. Finally, cooler heads will prevail and the situation will blow over, only to be repeated a few weeks later at another site.
[Oops. It seems this already happened yesterday at Freshmeat. I suppose this would have been funnier if we wouldn't have procrastinated until January 2nd to run it... - The Editor]
Prediction #3: Ziff-Davis will continue to be a source of much contempt by the Linux community. Jesse Berst will continue his waffling position with respect to Linux, writing "Linux will threaten Windows" one day and then "Linux doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of succeeding" the next. Meanwhile, ad revenue at ZD will soar from all the flames being posted in the various Talk Back forums in response to all the bonehead commentary. In addition, ABCNew's Fred Moody will continue to incite the Linux community with his obnoxious rantings so he can later write about all the flames he received from the "adolescent Linux zealots".
Prediction #4: Microsoft's never-ending stream of acquisitions will continue into 1999 at such an intense rate that many newspapers will have a special "Today's Microsoft Acquisitions" sidebar in their Financial sections. Meanwhile, "Microsoft Acquires..." jokes will continue to spread via email across the Internet at an unbelievable pace. Some Microsoft jokes to enter the public domain this year will include "Microsoft Acquires Yahoo", "Janet Reno Named New Microsoft Vice President", and "Microsoft Acquires Redmond City Government; Has Targets Set on Seattle".
Prediction #5: With the proliferation of Java compilers and environments, Starbucks, Inc. will get into the act with its own proprietary Starbucks Java VM(tm). The Starbucks JVM will be available on CD-ROM for free with any coffee purchase over US$10 at any of Starbuck's 25,000+ locations (50,000 by the end of the year). The Starbucks JVM will be part of Starbuck's master plan to dominate everything even remotely related to coffee.
Prediction #6: IDG Publishing will crank out a record number of those insulting and annoying "...For Dummies" Books that dominate bookstore shelves. IDG will launch a nationwide chain of "Books for Dummies" bookstores across the US (perhaps spreading into Canada and Europe by 2001). The latest revision of "Linux for Dummies" will be released, which will put a damper on the old saying, "'Windows for Dummies' is much more than a book title, it's a Microsoft way of life!" Some other Dummies books to be published will include "Writing Dummies Books for Dummies", "Buying Dummies Books for Dummies", "Windows Solitaire for Dummies", and "Windows 98 for Extreme Dummies".
Prediction #7: What 1999 set of predictions would be complete without a Y2K prognostication? During the year, two groups of "experts" will bicker about what will happen come January 1, 2000. One group, who will spend billions of dollars building extensive bomb shelters in remote Arizona, will think the world will come to an abrupt end. The other group will predict that Y2K will be an annoyance of the same magnitude as Office 97's Dancing Paper Clip. As is often the case, all of the "experts" will be wrong. While Y2K will be a bigger annoyance than the typical Microsoft product, it won't come anywhere close to being the Apocolypse. In the end, all of the "experts" who had spent their life savings building bomb shelters will live the rest of their lives in poverty and shame, while everyone else will start worrying about the Y10K problem.
Prediction #8: A large group of Linux developers will pool finances to hire a security detail for Linus Torvalds while Transmeta will install an extensive security system for its corporate offices. These precautions will be taken, in the words of one of Linus' bodyguards, "just in case Godfather Gates takes an interest in Linus' health". In addition, the same group of Linux developers will mount a campaign for Linus to run for US President in 2000, but the campaign will come to an abrupt end when it is realized that Linus isn't eligible because he isn't a native born US citizen.
Prediction #9: The US government will continue to pass bonehead pieces of legislation (at least in the opinion of most Slashdot posters) concerning encryption, indecent Net material, antitrust enforcement, upgrading governent computer systems to Windows NT, telco monopolies, copyright law, phone tapping by the FBI, etc. Eventually, one particularly stifling piece of anti-cryptography legislation will be the last straw for many Slashdot regulars, resulting in a massive "e-riot" (a term which will be coined by Jon Katz). Thousands of angry nerds will pummel the US government's computer systems with unbelievable amounts of flame email, denial of service attacks, and spam (a high amount of spam advertising X-rated websites will be sent to president@whitehouse.gov). A few hardy souls will even (gasp!) step outside into the Real World and travel to Washington, D.C. to attend a rally. In the end, the President will veto the legislation, but only after enough nerds threaten to stop fixing Y2K-related problems in protest.
Prediction #10: The fight over the term Open Source(tm) between OSI and SPI will intensify. In outrage, Eric S. Raymond will publish his long-anticipated sequel to "Homesteading the Noosphere", which he will title "Eric vs. a Board of Idiots". In the flame war that will erupt as a result, a growing number of Linux hackers will abandon the term Open Source and stick with "Free Software", much to the delight of Richard M. Stallman. A few hackers will instead standardize on the term "Nude Source", which will gain widespread acceptance. Ziff-Davis will put a negative spin on this whole brouhaha with a series of articles titled "Open Source, Open Insults". It will not be a good period for the Linux community, but just like the Linux Standards Assocation debacle of 1998, the community will eventually move on, more resolved than ever to bring an end to proprietary, monopolistic software and Dancing Paper Clips.
Fake News
written by Black iMage
on January 2, 1999
from the another-example-of-microsoft-innovation dept.
REDMOND, WA -- Ed "the Mouth" Muth, Vice President for Software Development and Silly Walks at Microsoft, has often delighted Linuxites with his verbal blunders and his ignorance of computers. At a recent conference, someone in the audience asked him about Microsoft's plans to embed Windows CE into 'smart' cards.
"I am one hundred percent behind this new technology," said Muth enthusiastically. "Why, when I'm playing blackjack, I often want to know what card is on top of the deck. We are currently in the process of buying Intermec, Inc., which will enable us to develop a card reader that plugs into a USB port. Office 2002 will contain an integrated application that will tell me the suit, number and colour of every card, along with its position in the deck. Let's see Robin Hood and his Merry Men top THAT!"
"Isn't that cheating?" someone asked.
"No, it's just aggressive business practice," said Muth cheerfully, before moving on to field questions about Office 2002, scheduled for release in late 2003.
Fake News
written by James Baughn
on January 1, 1999
from the everyone-needs-their-own-temporal-singularity dept.
Bob Hutzfield has put a dozen copies of "Red Hat Linux 10.0" up for auction at eBay.com. He claims that his toilet is the portal to a "temporal vortex singularity" and that the toilet periodically spits out items from the future. Last week, a package containing twelve Red Hat Linux 10.0 shrink-wrapped boxes materialized at the toilet vortex. Hutzfield is now offering them at auction with a minimum bid of US$1000.
The following press release was taken from the eBay auction page. Hutzfield claims that he found this press release inside the package that emerged from his toilet vortex.
RED HAT LINUX 10.0
June 15, 2002
Press Release
For Immediate Release
RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC -- HypeNewsWire -- Red Hat, the producer of the most popular Linux distribution with over 25 million estimated users, is proud to announce the availability of Red Hat Linux 10.0. The latest version contains the new Linux 6.2 kernel, the Z Window System 2.0, full support for legacy Windows 3.x/9x/200x/NT software apps, and more. Copies of Red Hat Linux 10.0 will be available in stores on CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, or GNUDE (GNU Digital Encoding) disks within the next week.
Compaq, Dell, Gateway, and several other large computer manufacturers have announced that they will offer computer systems with Red Hat 10.0 pre-installed. "We can sell systems with Red Hat pre-installed for considerably less than systems with Microsoft ActiveWindows 2001. Overall, Red Hat Linux's superior quality, low price, and modest system requirements puts Windows to shame," one Dell spokesperson said at last week's LinDex convention.
Some of the new features of Red Hat Linux 10.0 include: - xlib7 support - Red Hat has fully migrated from libc6 to the new xlib7 C libraries. Meanwhile, other Linux distributions such as Slackware are still using the ancient libc5 system.
- GNUDE disk drivers - The 6.2 kernel has support for the GNU Project's GNUDE disk format (with 1 terabyte maximum capacity) built-in. Full GPLed specifications for the GNUDE drive and interface are available from the gnu.org website, along with step-by-step instructions for creating your own GNUDE drive out of inexpensive parts.
- Updated WINE program - RH 10.0 includes the latest version of WINE with full support for all legacy Windows applications except those written for the new ActiveWindows 2001 version.
- WordPerfect Suite v.10 - The latest version of Corel's open source office suite with GTK+/GNOME support is bundled with RH 10.0.
[Rest of the press release snipped for the sake of brevity.]
Response to this news has been mostly negative. However, at least one adolescent Slashdot groupie is quite excited. "Wow! This is the coolest thing since Quake! I wonder if that toilet vortex ever spits out any newspapers with, ahem, stock quotes and lottery results from the future. I'd do anything for a copy..."
Overall, though, most observers are highly skeptical. "This Bob Hutzfield (if that's his real name) character put up for auction a portable "fusion power" generator, which he claimed had emerged from his toilet-thingamajig from 2017. I won the bid of $512, but the item I received was actually a plastic box filled with AAA batteries. It was a scam! This person cannot be trusted."
One well-known Linux hacker noted, "I have a bad feeling about this. After all, look how long it took to develop Linux kernel 2.2. Even right now it's not quite finished, and the word "vaporware" has been used more and more. I seriously doubt kernel 6.2 could be reached by 2002 (unless, of course, Linus starts using a Microsoft-like version numbering scheme). Therefore, I think this whole thing is a scam."
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