April Fool's Day Predictions

Fake News written by James Baughn on March 31, 1999

April 1st is only hours away. What kinds of pranks will webmasters pull on their unsuspecting visitors tommorrow? What tomfoolery will Taco Boy inflict on countless Slashdot junkies? Will some website be acquired by Microsoft? Is the Segfault/UserFriendly/BeDope litigation a hoax?

We have the answers. Well, maybe not answers. But we do have some predictions. Okay, fine. We don't have a clue. We've compiled some wild, unscientific guesses about what may happen tommorrow. Maybe we'll get lucky.

• Slashdot - Last year CmdrTaco customized Slashdot for optimum viewing on 35 inch monitors. What prank can we expect in the coming hours? One word: Crashdot. CmdrTaco will replace the entire site with a bogus error message page: "Server Too Busy Due to Meta-Slashdot Effect". Of course, such an error will entice Dotheads everywhere to reload the page every 0.0001 seconds to see if they can access the site. Therefore, Slashdot really will fall to the dreaded "Meta-Slashdot Effect".

• GNU Project - Richard M. Stallman shocks the free software community by announcing that the GPL is booby-trapped. "A provision, in fine print just barely larger than an atom, in the GPL states that I, RMS, own all rights to any GPL-covered license after April 1, 1999. My moral crusade all these years has been a lark. I now own Linux, and the GNU C compiler, and Emacs, and every other software project that bears the GPL license. I have now achieved World Domination. Suckers!"

• Linux - An easter egg buried deep within the Linux kernel source code by Linus Torvalds will activate on April Fool's Day. When booting the system, the usual parade of boot messages will be replaced by the Windows 98 splash screen. The system will return to normal -- for awhile. However, at regular intervals during the day, the system will behave like Windows. The Blue Screen of Death will occasionally appear. Sometimes the system will grind to a halt for several minutes, and then the error "Out of system resources" will appear. In addition, at random times a pop-up message will ask, "Have you registered your copy of Microsoft Linux yet?"

• TMC Litigation - The Mystery Company's (TMC) threats against Segfault, User Friendly, and BeDope will be exposed as a hoax. However, on April 2nd, it will be revealed that the news that the pending litigation is a hoax, will turn out to be a hoax itself! It will be a meta-April Fool's joke! TMC's lawyers really are out for blood, but the webmasters of the three sites will mistakenly breathe a sigh of relief tommorrow -- that is, until they receive a court summons on April 6th.

• Humorix - No comment.

• Red Hat - Red Hat will announce a major company reorganization, a la Microsoft. In a surprising press release, Red Hat will describe their company's reorganization into three departments: Portal Website Development, Investor Relations, and Linux Development. The Linux Development branch, making up 5% of the company, will focus on improving, marketing, and selling the Red Hat Linux distro. The Portal Development branch, comprising 45% of the company, will focus solely on improving the Red Hat portal website and selling advertising space. The Investor Relations branch will handle all of the money being invested into Red Hat by other companies (Intel, SAP, Netscape, etc.)

  As can be expected, the Portal and Investment departments are expected to be the most lucrative. "In the past, we've made the mistake of thinking that money can be from selling free software," the press release will boldly state. "The real money comes from maintaining portals and suckering investors and venture capitalists into giving you boatloads of cash."

Attack of the Tuxissa Virus

Fake News written by James Baughn on March 29, 1999

What started out as a prank posting to comp.os.linux.advocacy yesterday has turned into one of the most significant viruses in computing history. The creator of the virus, who goes by the moniker "Anonymous Longhair", modified the Melissa virus to download and install Linux on infected machines.

"It's a work of art," one Linux advocate told Humorix after he looked through the Tuxissa virus source code. "This virus goes well beyond the feeble troublemaking of Melissa." The advocate enumerated some of the tasks the virus performs in the background while the user is blissfully playing Solitaire:

Once the virus is activated, it first works on propogating itself. It has a built-in email harvesting module that downloads all the pages referenced in the user's Internet Explorer bookmarks and scans them for email addresses. Using Outlook, the virus sends a copy of itself to every email address it comes across.

After it has successfully reproduced, the virus begins the tricky process of upgrading the system to Linux. First, the virus modifies AUTOEXEC.BAT so that the virus will be re-activated if the system crashes or is shut down while the upgrade is in process. Second, the virus downloads a stripped-down Slackware distribution, using a lengthy list of mirror sites to prevent the virus from overloading any one server.

Then the virus configures a UMSDOS filesystem to install Linux on. Since this filesystem resides on a FAT partition, there is no need to re-partition the hard drive, one of the few actions that the Word macro langugage doesn't allow.

Next, the virus uncompresses the downloaded files into the new Linux filesystem. The virus then permanently deletes all copies of the Windows Registry, virtually preventing the user from booting into Windows without a re-install. After modifying the boot sector, the virus terminates its own life by rebooting the system. The computer boots into the Slackware setup program, which automatically finishes the installation of Linux. Finally, the dazed user is presented with the Linux login prompt and the text, "Welcome to Linux. You'll never want to use Windows again. Type 'root' to begin..."

The whole process take about two hours, assuming the user has a decent Internet connection. Since the virus runs invisibly in the background, the user has no chance to stop it until it's too late.

The email message that the virus is attached to has the subject "Important Message About Windows Security". The text of the body says, "I want to let you know about some security problems I've uncovered in Windows 95/98/NT, Office 95/97, and Outlook. It's critically important that you protect your system against these attacks. Visit these sites for more information..." The rest of the message contains 42 links to sites about Linux and free software.

Slashdot is one of those links. "That could spell trouble," one Slashdot expert told Humorix. "Slashdot could fall victim to the new 'Macro Virus Effect' if this virus continues to propogate at its present exponential growth rate. Red Hat's portal site, another site present on the virus' links list, seems to be quite sluggish right now..."

Details on how the virus started are a bit sketchy. The "Anonymous Longhair" who created it only posted it to Usenet as an early April Fool's gag, a demonstration of how easy it would be to mount a "Linux revolution". Some other Usenet reader is responsible for actually spreading the virus into the wild. One observer speculated, "I imagine the virus was first sent to the addresses of several well-known spammers. The virus probably latched on to the spammer's email lists and began propagating at a fantastic rate. With no boundary to its growth, this thing could wind up infecting every single Net-connected Wintel box in the world. Wouldn't that be a shame!"

Linus Torvalds, who just left for a two week vacation, was unavailable for comment at press time. We have a strong feeling that his vacation will be cut short very soon...

And Now A Word From Our Lawyer...

Column written by Noah Morals on March 27, 1999

This is my first attempt at writing an editorial. I'm usually too busy authoring license agreements for clients or defending clients against frivolous lawsuits. However, a series of disturbing events and trends during the past week has prompted me to write this essay. Not only am I concerned about the possible lawsuit between User Friendly, et al and Some Mystery Company, I'm also worried about the legality of the Slashdot Effect and the rumors of Do-It-Yourself-License-Agreement-Kits.

Legality of the Slashdot Effect

One of my colleagues directed me to an obscure Missouri statute that could possibly make the Slashdot maintainers criminally liable for damages caused by the Slashdot Effect. At least, that's if Section 569.099 of the Revised Statutes of Missouri is loosely interpreted.

The law says, in part, "A person commits the crime of tampering with computer users if he knowingly and without authorization... Denies or causes the denial of computer system services to an authorized user of such computer system services..." The law classifies this crime as a class A misdemeanor. If this statute means what I think it does, Rob Malda could wind up in jail long before Bill Gates does.

I haven't had a chance to check the statues of other states or of the Federal government (or other countries, for that matter), but I imagine similar laws are probably in effect.

The recent brouhaha over theos.com is a prime example of the disruptive (and destructive) force of the Slashdot Effect. Not only did their website crash, but their voice mail system was overloaded! If left unchecked, the destructive force of the Slashdot Effect will only continue to escalate, which could make for a very ugly situation.

Do-It-Yourself-License-Agreement-Kits

It's a great time to be a lawyer. With the Open Source(tm) revolution, a plethora of new software and content licenses have emerged. Just take a look at Slashdot; almost every day there's some new license introduced or there's a flame war over existing licenses. It's a lawyer's dream. Eric S. Raymond was right; you can make money from free software. I know I have. I've written hundreds of complicated licenses full of unpenetrable legal jargon for a wide range of clients, all while charging an exorbitant consulting fee.

I'm a bit concerned, however, about a recent rumor I spotted on Slashdot. Someone has created a Perl script that automatically creates a license based on a variety of parameters. Now anybody can create their own license by combining elements from the GPL, LGPL, NPL, MPL, APSL, NCL, BSD, and countless other licenses. The worst part is that they don't need to hire a lawyer to do it. Download a Perl script, execute, and they're done. I'm deeply disturbed about this. If this rumor is true, I may have to switch careers. I really don't want to end up as a door greeter at some Claw-Mart Supercenter.

You've Got Registered Mail

I'm sure you've probably been following the User Friendly, Segfault, and BeDope vs. Some Mystery Company Referred To As The "Evil Empire" showdown. I know the Humorix staff has been nervously watching this unfold. As James Baughn said to me yesterday, "Maybe Humorix's obscurity is a blessing in disguise. The Mystery Company doesn't know -- or care -- about us."

The methods of The Mystery Company's (TMC) law firm bother me the most. I can handle frivolous lawsuits -- I know I've filed my fair share in the past -- but I don't understand why User Friendly, et al, are the targets. It's not like the maintainers of the three sites have vast quantities of money. TMC doesn't seem to care about the old lawyer's saying, "Only sue people who have lots of money".

I'm also concerned about the main request of TMC. In their letter, they want the site maintainers to "portray them in a more positive light". I don't know what you call that, but I call such a thing advertising. [If TMC would like Humorix to "portray them in a more positive light," we'd be more than happy to send them the Humorix advertising rate schedule. -- The Editor]

Well, that about wraps it up. Thank you for not skipping to the next article when you discovered a lawyer had written this piece.

Legal Notice

The above editorial does not reflect the opinions or policy of Humorix World Domination, or of the Lowe & Morals Law Firm.

[Mr. N. O. Morals is not a lawyer, he only plays one on websites. He is, of course, a fictional character. We don't think we have to mention this, but the Humorix staff is a bit edgy about lawsuits right now. -- The Editor]

Follow-Up: Apple Sues McDonalds

Fake News written by Tony Smolar on March 25, 1999

CUPERTINO, CA -- Apple Computer announced today that it has filed a lawsuit against McDonalds, claiming that the new McLinux 1.0 distribution is too similar to the Apple sponsored MkLinux project.

"MkLinux is all about lean-Microkernel design. But now with the advent of McLinux, people are going to unfairly associate oozing fat, grease, and cholesterol with MkLinux. The X in the MkLinux logo may look like a ketchup stain, but that's where the similarity ends," Steve Jobs, Apple's still-interim-CEO, said at a press conference. "Health conscious vegetarians who have long been Apple's best customers could possibly shun MkLinux, and by extension, Apple. We absolutely cannot stand by and let this happen."

In conjunction with the lawsuit, Apple is launching a mini-ad campaign that stresses the differences between MkLinux and McLinux. "There's no need to have your MkLinux distribution 'Super Sized'," the ad copy proclaims. "And you can run MkLinux on 'Little Macs', too."

In response, McDonalds has filed a counter-suit, arguing that Apple's corporate logo is too similar to an ingredient in McDonald's apple pies. An anonymous McDonalds spokesman said, "Our customers may go into an Apple retailer and see a machine that they think is a fresh McDonalds pie. Certainly the iMac is priced like one. But when they bite into it, they will surely be disappointed." When asked about the MkLinux logo, he responded, "We sent the MkLinux logo off to an FBI lab to be chemically identified. If it is found to be ketchup, we will be forced to file a second counter-suit."

Descent into Microsoft (Part 4)

Fake News written by Jon Splatz on March 24, 1999

There is no conspiracy.

In Part 3, I described my encounter with a Linux operative working within the Microsoft Empire. This meeting never took place. I did not meet a spy for the WORLD Organization (which doesn't exist), nor did I receive any top secret CD-ROMs or website passwords. It never happened.

Subliminal messages are embedded in this page. Within days you will completely forget about this whole affair. There is no conspiracy. WORLD operatives have not planted a virus in Windows 98 that will activate on September 9, 1999 and forcibly download and install Linux on all affected computers.

I repeat, there is no conspiracy.

Well... okay, maybe there is one conspiracy. But it doesn't involve Linux double agents infiltrating the Microsoft Empire. The conspiracy I've encountered is against me, Jon Splatz. Microsoft and CompUSSR, with the help of Murphy's infernal Law, are conspiring against me. It appears I will never obtain my Windows Refund. I've hit a permanent dead end.

Since the beginning of my odyssey, I've made little progress. I can never make it much higher than base camp on my trek to climb Mt. Everest. Something always happens to force me back to the beginning; I'm stuck in an infinite loop.

However, my saga is now over. I won't make it to the top. For me, Mt. Everest has ceased to exist. I can't get a refund for something I don't own.

But, alas, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me pick up the story where I left it at the end of Part 3.

After leaving the Bay Area, I took a brief detour over to Humorix World Headquarters. I wanted James Baughn to take a look at the contents of the two CDs that... uh... well, I never received. There is no conspiracy.

I then left the Humorix compound and drove home. Tired from the day's activities, I went to bed fairly early.

I was startled awake by loud banging on my apartment door. Groggily, I put on my robe and opened the door. Suddenly, two goons in suits rushed into my apartment and pinned me against my couch.

"Bill's not happy," the first goon said menacingly.
"Wha...?" I stuttered, now wide awake.
"You're still trying to obtain a Windows refund. We thought we had settled this little, ah, problem, a couple weeks ago," the second goon stated.
"Oh dear lord!" I shouted, now fully aware what was happening. I was Thirteen-of-Zero, Microsoft Borg, facing my superiors for attempted crimes against the Collective.
"Your petty attempts at resistance are futile," the first one spat.
"We know everything. You are permanently bound into the Collective. I think it's high time for a little... ah, re-education session," the second said in a very disturbing tone of voice.
"No! I'll do..." I tried to protest, but it was futile.

One of the goons took a cable out of his pocket and stuck one end up my nose. A dialog box flashed before my eyes. "Dial-Up Nasal Connection established with host Cairo Fifteen."

A new window popped up in my mind, "BorgNet Explorer 5.0 beta". I watched as countless files were uploaded into my brain. I was powerless to stop the transfer of files; I was unable to avoid "re-education". Eventually, the process was complete, and the connection was terminated.

"Done," one of the goons said. "Repeat after me..." My voice, now controlled by the Borg, chanted monotonously, "I hereby accept my permanent citizenship into the Microsoft Collective. I will not, under penalty of forced beta testing, attempt to commit treason against the Collective by obtaining a refund for my copy of Windows 98. I also fully understand that the terms "Microsoft", "Windows", "Resistance is futile", and "assimilation" are all registered trademarks of Microsoft Empire."

"All hail Microsoft President William H. Gates III," my voice added, before it was turned over to my "control". I had been re-assimilated into the Collective. My endeavor to obtain a Windows refund was now a distant, fuzzy memory. I didn't care about anything other than navigating the Start Menu in my mind to launch Solitaire.

"Our work here is done. We'll keep in touch, Thirteen-of-Zero," one of the goons said before leaving.

A few minute later the error "CEREBRUM.EXE has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down..." appeared in my mind. I began to lose consciousness...

I was startled awake by an advertisement for "Stumped on Phonics" coming from my alarm radio. It had all been a dream. I was still Jon Splatz, Humorix pundit and social commentator, on a quest to obtain a Windows refund.

Groggily, I got up and showered, making sure to clean off the grime I had acquired the previous day at the "El Raton Grande" motel. After eating a hearty breakfast of "Sugar-Coated Sugar Bombs", I sketched out plans for the day.

I knew what I had to do. I had managed to avoid it, but I knew that all other alternatives had been exhausted. I had to go back to the local CompUSSR store and demand a Windows refund -- even if it meant facing Mikhail or Yuri, CompUSSR Sales Weasals from Hell.

Summoning up all the strength I could muster, I drove across town to the CompUSSR store. Upon entering, I looked around for the Customer Service desk. I couldn't find it. Just a few short weeks ago, when I first ventured into CompUSSR, a help desk was conveniently located at the front of the store. But now it was gone.

Taking a closer look, I noticed a sign on the wall near where the support desk had been. "In an effort to serve our valued customers better, CompUSSR is proud to present a Self-Service Tech Support Kiosk, located at the back of Aisle Fifteen".

While I figured this was probably a dead end in my quest, I ventured back to the "Self-Service Kiosk". I found a bunch of pamphlets, worn-out books, and stacks of assorted papers arranged haphazardly on a large table.

All of the "tech support" material seemed incredibly old, and useless. I didn't see anything that talked about Windows, DOS, Macintosh, or Linux. Most of the material was about systems I had never heard of: PL/I, CP/M, Apple Lisa, Tandy DeskMate, and countless others. I came to the conclusion that no "valued customers" were ever going to find any help here for their computer problems.

I did find one (and only one) book about Unix (The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June, 1972), but it was clearly an antique -- at one point it said, "The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with more expected."

I almost gave up and left, but then I caught a glimpse of a sheet of paper that had the words "windows refund" on it. Could this sheet of paper contain the vital piece of information I had been searching for? Would I obtain a Windows refund after all?

No, of course not. It was an invoice from Anderson Glass Co. for the plate glass windows at the front of the CompUSSR store. The company promised to refund the cost of the windows if they cracked or shattered within three months of being installed.

About this time a CompUSSR employee walked by. Maybe he could help me, I thought.

"Do you know where the customer service desk is?" I asked.
"Cu-sto-mer, what is that? My first day, here. Took big plane from Latvia. I'm you know, Monica thing... an intern. Want to talk to my boss? In Siberia visiting family. Wait over there."

The clueless employee pointed towards a row of 15 inch monitors that were stacked together to form a make-shift row of chairs. He said, "Seat warmers very nice, eh? Idea from home."

"Uh, nice. I'll come back later," I muttered as I edged away. I desperately wanted to exit the store. I couldn't take it much longer. Why couldn't I have bought my computer from Claw-Mart like everyone else?

Frantically hoping to find a way out of this hell hole, I spotted a small door to the far right. Excitement hit me when I saw a sign on the door that read, "Customer Service Department". I quickly opened the door and stepped through. I found myself outside, standing in an alley behind the CompUSSR store. The door automatically slid shut behind me and locked.

It would seem that CompUSSR had effectively told me to shove off. Knowing that CompUSSR had won this battle, I walked back around to my car and headed home.

Even though it was only around noon, I was quite tired from the wild goose chase at CompUSSR. I decided to settle down for a midday nap.

I was startled awake by loud banging on my apartment door. Groggily, I got up and opened the front door. Outside were two unpleasant looking goons wearing suits.

"Not again," I moaned, remembering last night's dream (or was it?).
"We're with the FBI," the first one said while showing me a badge.
"Huh? You're not my Microsoft Borg superiors?" I asked, rather confused.
"Uh... no," the second responded, while making some kind of hand gesture to the other, no doubt a "this guy is wacko; proceed with extreme caution" signal used by the FBI.

The first one then explained their business. "The FBI is pursuing an investigation of CompUSSR for alleged illegal vodka smuggling, software piracy, and false advertising." One of our agents, posing as a Latvian intern, was able to smuggle out customer records from the local CompUSSR store. They show that you recently purchased a CompUSSR system. We'd like to take a look at it."

Before I could protest, the two agents shoved through the door, and quickly set to work analyzing my CompUSSR computer.

After a couple minutes, one said, "Indeed. This Windows 98 CD-ROM and Certificate of Authenticity are fake. These have been pirated. Based on the CD serial number and the material used in the certificate and manuals, I'd say these were produced near St. Petersburg.

The agents then dissassembled the system, spreading parts out onto my table. "Yes, this obviously isn't an Intel CPU. It appears to be a... um... let's see if I can pronounce the name. Yelskovokosvolgaski, I think it is. It's a Russian made chip, that's for sure. Definitely false advertising here..."

The other added, "Look here... I smell vodka inside the case. When this box was shipped from Russia, several small bottles of vodka were probably hidden inside the case, unbeknownst to customs officials. CompUSSR has been selling vodka on the black market without paying American import tariffs. These guys make me sick..."

The first agent agreed. "I think we've found the smoking gun." Then he said to me, "Mr. Splatz, we'll have to take your computer to our labs for analysis. It will have to be admitted as evidence if charges are brought against CompUSSR."

"But... wait... but..." I stuttered.

"Crimes have been committed by CompUSSR. We have to put a stop to them, or else they could try to smuggle in more illegal vodka and harm the American vodka industry. You can put a stop to this," one of the agents said. To the other he ordered, "Bob, get the wheelbarrow."

"Bob" returned a few minutes later with a wheelbarrow full of papers. He said, "We'll need you to fill out this paperwork. Please read and sign Form 10344A, Section B, Parts 3-15. You'll also need to initial Forms 35324, 35324B, 35326..." As I tried to keep up with his directions, the other agent shoved my computer's various parts into the wheelbarrow.

"Will I get my system back?" I asked. Both of the agents immediately burst into laughter.

"That's the best one I've heard all day," one chuckled.

After filling out several dozen forms, the FBI agents made their way to the door. One said before leaving, "Thank you for your time, Mr. Splatz. We'll keep in touch, just in case you are needed as a witness."

Then they were gone.

Then any hopes of obtaining a Windows refund were gone.

My whole endeavor had been pointless. I was trying to obtain a refund for a piece of software that was pirated. And to top it of, now I didn't have a computer. I'm in worse shape now than I was before this whole mess started. I didn't get anywhere close to my goal; I didn't even make it much beyond the base of the mountain.

My Everest climb had been a disaster. I started at the base camp, but in the end I found myself at sea level near the shore of the Indian Ocean.

I suppose it wasn't a total loss. I've gained enough material from my adventure to write another book. I'm thinking about calling it "Business @ The Speed of Windows". I've also received a job offer from some publication called "ZDNet USSR", which I haven't had the chance to pursue yet.

After many twists and turns, my Descent into Microsoft is over. It looks like I'll have to find some other adventure to fill up my Humorix columns. I'm sure something interesting will happen soon...

It won't involve the WORLD Organization, though. There is no conspiracy.

Linux ExpoWorld Conference

Fake News written by James Baughn on March 23, 1999

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL -- After many months of preparations, the first ever Linux meta-expo was held last week in sunny Florida. This was no ordinary Linux expo; it was a conference about other Linux expos and conferences. This invitation-only event was attended by 256 Linux enthusiasts who have organized, sponsored, or helped with other Linux expos in the past.

Said one of the show's organizers, "There's so many Linux expos and conferences these days. There's LinuxExpo, LinuxWorld Expo, Linux Northwest, Atlanta Linux Showcase, the bazaar, just to name a few. It was high time for a Linux meta-expo where expo organizers could meet and discuss the fine art of Linux conference planning, and where businesses could showcase products and services aimed at the Linux expo niche market."

One of the main events of the conference was a three hour session in which several dozen attendees colloborated in writing, from scratch, a Linux Expo mini-HOWTO. The session went smoothly except for a brief "flame war" in which two sides argued about the need for metal detectors at the front entrance to a conference. "I'm worried about this whole Geeks With Guns concept... it could get ugly. I can just imagine what might happen if some bystander says 'Linux' without 'GNU' within earshot of Richard M. Stallman..." one participant argued. The debate quickly turned into an RMS vs. ESR, free vs. open source flame war. "Wow, this is just like Slashdot," one observer noted. "Somebody says something negative about RMS, and all hell breaks loose..."

Several businesses had booths set up in the main exhibit hall. Transmeta was represented by a booth that contained only one item, a sign that read, "This booth is not here yet." A new start-up company, ExpoPortal, manned a booth showcasing their new website, "ExpoDot", a portal site aimed at Linux conference organizers. "There's a portal for everything," a booth bunny said. "Why not one for the Linux expo market?

Southcentral Airlines created quite a stir when the company unveiled its new "AirPenguin" program. During a keynote address, the Southcentral CEO announced, "With all the Linux expos out there, buying plane tickets and making hotal reservations can be quite expensive. With the innovative AirPenguin program, Linux enthusiasts who book two or more round trip tickets to Linux conferences will receive Penguin Points redeemable for hotel reservations, rental car usage, upgrades to first class, or a donation to the GNU Project."

The next Linux ExpoWorld Conference is slated for February 2000, assuming the world doesn't end on January 1st. ExpoWorld organizers will meet in October at a "meta-meta-expo" to make plans for next year's show.

Do You Want Fries With That?

Fake News written by Kirk Rafferty on March 21, 1999

OAK BROOK, IL -- Not to be outdone by the multitudes of vendors creating their own release of the popular Linux operating system, McDonald's President and Chief Executive Officer, Jack M. Greenberg, today announced the release of McDonalds McLinux 1.0 (Happy Meal Release).

"McDonalds recognizes the importance of having as many varieties of Linux on the market as humanly possible, and we're just happy to be a part of it" Mr. Greenberg said. Currently there are roughly 750,000 different Linux distributions on the market.

Mr. Greenberg was quick to point out that "McLinux will not be just another distribution. "Our distribution is fully configurable through our BigEmacs interface." Screen shots of the BigEmacs interface show an easy-to-use icon-driven interface. For example, users may select from a small, medium, or large kernel. When a package has finished installing (or "cooking" in McDonald's distribution-speak), a high-pitched buzzer goes off, which the distribution may get around to turning off eventually.

When pressed, however, McDonalds spokesmen admitted that BigEmacs won't be quite as customizable as rival Burger King's "Whopperconf" install tool. "If you want a custom configuration we will ask you to pull your mouse off to the side and wait until we bring it out to you."

The announcement coincides with McDonald's newly redesigned "McPortal" which will "include such features as McSlashDot and McFreshMeat--popular news services that will languish under a heat lamp until most traces of geekiness have been sucked out of them, to be repackaged in cardboard."

Distribution rival Red Hat corporation responded to the news by destroying their web site and lowering the concurrent user limit of their ftp site to 10.

Linux Card Game

Fake News written by James Baughn on March 13, 1999

SHERIDAN, WY -- Earlier today, a start-up company called Gurus of the Valley, Inc. unveiled its first product: a card game called "Linux: The Awakening". Like other products in the lucrative role-playing, collectible card game market, "Linux: The Awakening" features several hundred different cards and a complicated set of rules that allow players to fight for the future of the software industry.

The game consists of two main decks and various "expansion packs" available separately at many stores. (Players will also have to purchase a 500 page rule book to learn how to play.) The two decks represent opposing sides in the free software revolution -- the "black" side (proprietary software, i.e. Microsoft) and the "white" side (free software, i.e. Linux and the GNU Project) Each deck and expansion pack contains cards that can affect the rules of the game. (Players might want to purchase another 500 page book that describes in detail the statistics and power of each card).

A game is played between two teams of 1-3 members. Scoring in the game is determined by several different measures of strength: marketshare, zealousness, publicity, quality, and manpower. In the beginning of each game, the black side starts with the most marketshare and publicity, but the white side has more zealousness, manpower, and quality. The ultimate goal of the game is to achieve World Domination by knocking the opposing side down to zero strength in each of the five categories.

Gurus of the Valley is founded my Aaron McAdams, a nerd who was fired last year for his unsolicited Linux advocacy at work (as reported here at Humorix). "A job is worthless if you can't zealously advocate your favorite religi...er, I mean operating system," McAdams told this Humorix reporter during a tour of the Gurus of the Valley corporate offices (currently McAdams' apartment).

I asked McAdams about the complexity of his product. "Yes, the game is quite complicated. Since each card affects the underlying rules, plus there are five different scores to keep track of, the game can be quite challenging to learn and play. However, the same could be said about any other role-playing, collectible card game. Many of my friends are addicted to -- or, rather, severely obsessed with -- another game that shall remain nameless. If they can play that game for hours on end, and memorize a bunch of pointless rules and stories pertaining to a fictional universe, then they should have no problem with a game based on actual events and people."

McAdams handed me a sample list of some of the cards and the powers they have in the game. This list comprises of only about 5% of the total number of available cards. McAdams noted, "You'll notice that most of these cards are based in fact. No imaginary flying creatures or magic spells here, that's for sure."

Black side

• Bill Gates [Person] - Founder of Microsoft and person chiefly responsible for the prevalence of proprietary software; the power of all other Blacks cards is reduced by 50% until BG is activated
• Jesse Berst [Person?] - Ziff-Davis pundit; increases zealousness and publicity; effects increased by Press Kickbacks card
• Fred Moody [Person] - Pro-Microsoft ABCNews.com pundit and book author; increases zealousness and publicity
• Steve Ballmer - Microsoft second-in-command, life's duty is to execute the "Windows Everywhere" philosophy of Microsoft; increases manpower and zealousness
• FUD Machine [Object] - Windows 98 program that automatically generates FUD-filled press releases; decreases White's quality and publicity; doubles in power when played in conjunction with the Jesse Berst or Geeks With Guns card
• Vaporware [Action] - Pre-announce a new product release that couldn't possible be released for several more years; decreases White marketshare and harms effectiveness of White products
• Headhunting Spree [Action] - Actively recruit and assimilate nerds from other companies and free software projects; increases Black manpower and decreases White manpower and zealousness
• Lawsuit [Action] - File a bogus patent or copyright infringement against a free software product; weakens or destroys one White product
• Microsoft Acquires [Action] - Allows Black to acquire and gain the benefits of one White object.
• Press Kickbacks [Action] - Give "advertising contributions" to publications that mention Microsoft favorably; increases the effectiveness of Jesse Berst, Fred Moody, and Media Blitz cards
• Media Blitz [Action] - Spend millions of dollars on TV and print advertising for the latest Microsoft product; significantly boosts publicity and marketshare when played in conjunction with another Black product card
• Windows Upgrade [Product] - Unveil the latest upgrade that fixes old bugs and adds many new ones; increases Black zealousness, marketshare but slightly decreases Black quality
• Office Upgrade [Product] - Unveil the latest non-backwards-compatible upgrade to the lucrative office suite monopoly; increases marketshare and publicity
• Rigged poll [Action] - Conduct an unscientific, rigged poll that concludes that Microsoft is one of the most respected companies in the world; increases Black publicity and decreases White zealousness
• Intellectual Property [Concept] - The core Cathedral model of proprietary software development; must be activated before many other cards can be played.
• Geeks With Guns [Concept] - Attack the free software community as a bunch of radical, gun-toting teenagers bent on World Domination, social upheaval, and finding a girlfriend; decreases White publicity and zealousness; White side must have ESR and RMS in play first
• "Windows Everywhere" [Concept] - Microsoft philosophy that Windows is scalable and can be used for all computing applications; increases marketshare and doubles the strength of the Media Blitz and Vaporware cards

White side

• Linus Torvalds [Person] - Founder of Linux, modest leader who has a canny way of generating positive publicity; increases publicity, must be activated before several other cards can be played
• Richard M. Stallman [Person] - Creator of the free software movement; the power of all other White cards is reduced by 50% until RMS is activated
• Eric S. Raymond [Person] - Self-proclaimed liason between free software and the commercial world; increases publicity and zealousness
• Rob Malda [Person] - Webmaster of Slashdot, responsible for organizing a loose nerd community focusing on Linux; increases zealousness, manpower, and publicity
• Jesse Berst [Person?] - Ziff-Davis pundit that wobbles on the issue of free software and writes pro- and anti-Microsoft columns depending on which way the wind is blowing (notice there's a Black and White Jesse Berst); counters the effects of the Black Jesse Berst while increasing White publicity
• Positive Press [Action] - A major publications features yet another positive story about the benefits of free software and the quality of Linux; increases publicity, zealousness and marketshare
• Security Patch [Action] - A flaw is discovered in Linux and a patch is issued within hours, the press is impressed with the "Given enough eyeballs, all bugs are shallow" philosophy of the Bazaar; increases quality and publicity
• Security Breach [Action] - A security breach is discovered in Windows, Microsoft scrambles to release a "Service Pack" but is unable to do so for months; decreases Black quality and effectiveness of Black products
• Born Again Hacker [Action] - A prominent proprietary software designer defects and releases his software under the GNU GPL; increases all four strengths
• Slashdot Effect [Action] - A mysterious force that originates from the "News for Nerds" site; increases the effectiveness of all other cards in play
• Leaked Memo [Object] - ESR obtains an internal Microsoft memo describing possible strategies against free software, the public is appalled by its recommendations; decreases Black publicity and zealousness and increases White publicity; ESR card must in play
• Linux Expo [Action] - A major Linux convention is held, grabbing the attention of the media; increases publicity and manpower
• "Cathedral and the Bazaar" [Object] - Holy grail for free software development by ESR; significantly increases all four strengths, ESR (obviously) must be activated first
• Windows Source Code Disaster [Action] - Someone, somewhere, somehow gains access to the Windows code base and uploads it to various locations before the Microsoft Intellectual Property Police can stop him; destroys Black's Intellectual Property and "Windows Everywhere" cards (among others), cuts Black zealousness in half, but Black quality is vastly improved as hackers begin to fix bugs in the Windows source code

Gurus of the Valley has plans for other related card games. "We're thinking of creating a 'Linux: The Flame War' game which will pit Free Software (RMS) against Open Source Software (ESR). In some ways, that conflict is actually deeper than the Linux vs. Microsoft war. We might, if demand is strong enough, create a small 'Linux: The GUI War' game which will pit KDE against GNOME."

"It sucks," one reviewer told Humorix. "It's a proprietary card game about free software. Once you start buying cards and books, they'll undoubtedly release an 'upgrade' with more powerful cards. You'll be stuck in an endless upgrade and purchasing cycle. McAdams has obviously studied the Microsoft business model very thoroughly. The winner of a card game like this is always the person who has wasted invested the most money in it."

"Linux: The Awakening" decks, expansions packs, and thick reference books should be on store shelves soon.

The Demise of Linux

Fake News written by Jim Lemon on March 11, 1999

Humorix has been informed that droves of long time Linux users and promoters are deserting the OS. We bring you an exclusive interview with some of the figures that were closely associated with the phenomenal rise of Linux -- but have now decided to abandon ship.

Humorix: We're talking first to Dick Fallguy, founder of the Worthless Software Foundation and guiding light of URK. Dick, could you briefly tell us why you've decided that Linux is no longer the way to go in worthless software?

DF: No. If you want the story, you have to listen to the story. I have to tell it my own way, that's freedom, You understand? Now, first I'd like to explain why software should be worthless. Value is a corrupting influence. As long as people have ideas about value, they're going to use those ideas to figure out which things have the most value to them, and of course then they're going to choose those things that they think have the most value. This immediately leads to the concept of how much something is worth, and before you know it, people are buying and selling things, and deciding how much something is worth by how valuable it is to them. This is antithetical to the URK model of life, the universe and everything.

Humorix: Could you explain URK to our...

DF: Hang on, I'm the one whose being interviewed. Keep the comments until after I'm finished. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, URK stands for "URK Requires Knowledge". You get that? When you expand it into the sentence, you still have the URK and you have to expand that, and so on. You see, I've created infinity in a single acronym. They didn't give me a PhD for nothing, you know.

Now Linux has just fallen into the trap of value. It used to be kind of pure and worthless, you know. Like people would download it and go to all sorts of trouble to get it configured, and then they could join discussion groups of other people who'd done more or less the same thing and talk about how long they could keep it up. I think that kind of summarizes the philosophy of the Worthless Software Foundation, that people go to a great deal of effort to have something to talk about to their colleagues. And that's a really important part of society, you know?

What's Linux nowadays? You buy a CD, for crying out loud, you get them for free with commercial magazines, which is a real sellout if you know what I mean. You stick the CD into the PC, hit the ENTER key a few times, and you start word processing or something like that. Now this has got to be the steep slide from the clear air of the mountaintop to the cesspit of the marketplace. Look, people are making money on this! They're making a living, buying cars, houses. I've done my best, I even demanded that the name be changed to URK/Linux, or at the very least LinURKs, but they've gone too far. Just another toy for the masses. I can tell you...

Humorix: Yeah, well, thanks, Dick we've got to move right along to our next discussant here, Kurt Turk. Now what's your viewpoint, Kurt?

KT: Well, I think that Dick has as usual hit the nail on the head. I mean take the ENTER key that Dick mentioned. I see the introduction of superfluous keys as a central issue in the whole sordid mess. What's wrong with Ctrl-M? What are we, a bunch of wimps that we have to have a special key just to get a newline? Just have a peek at some of the things that are running on Linux. I mean the DELETE key deletes the character to the right. This is going way too far.

Humorix: I can kind of see your point, Kurt, but our readers would probably like to know about the new directions you're taking.

KT: Yeah. Of course I've been a UNIX fan for over 25 years now, and I can tell you, I still have my VT-100 and I get a lot of use out of it. It's sad to see a real man's operating system degenerate, but you've got to cope with these things. What we've been doing is pretty revolutionary in my opinion. We've completely reprogrammed Windows CE to run on dumb terminals within 'vi'. We're calling the new system 'vice'. Of course, we had to ditch all that graphic crap, but that cut the executable size right down and we've got a pretty slick little number here. Now, instead of all those annoying little pictures on the screen, you just have a column of tildes, and you can concentrate on programming.

Humorix: Sounds like a clean system, Kurt, but how do you start up your applications?

KT: Simple. Get into Configure Mode by pressing Ctrl-Shift-F7, swap to Activate Mode by prepending your command line with #$, enter the name of the executable file in braces followed by the command line terminator --!. You can extend your command lines beyond 80 characters with --\+, of course, and you have the standard 'vice' bailout of Ctrl-Backspace, Ctrl-F, %...

Humorix: Radical, Kurt. Now we'd like to have a few words with our last discussant, Dolphin P. Gaia. So what's your gripe about Linux, Dolph?

DG: I'd like to say first that my adopted middle name is Peace. A lot of people don't ask me about that, and I have to explain it to them, you see? I started using Linux because it looked like a real alternative. First off, it was recycled. I'm a real believer in recycling ideas, because there are just too many around, and like there's got to be a finite amount of ideas, and what is going to happen when the supply is exhausted? It's going to be like the Year 2000 crisis, you know, people's minds are going to crash, and society will disintegrate, and I'd like to see all these smug people with new ideas then.

Humorix: Right, Dolph, but where are you going from here computing-wise?

DG: Oh, Kurt here is going to fix me up with a spare terminal so that I can download a copy of 'vice', and I figure with a month or so of retraining, I can get back to text editing and like that sort of thing.

Humorix: As you can see, folks, this is serious stuff. We tried to get a telephone interview with Linus himself, but unfortunately we must have had a bad connection. All we could hear was raucous laughter and then he must have dropped the phone or something. All we can say for now is stay tuned to Humorix for all the late-breaking news on the demise of Linux.

Open Source Irrational Constant

Fake News written by James Baughn on March 8, 1999

BREEZEWOOD, PA -- In a revelation that could rock the foundations of science, a researcher in Pennsylvania has discovered that the digits of the irrational constant PI encode a version of the Linux kernel. "I can't believe it," the researcher, Neil Hoffman, exclaimed. "And yet, here I am staring at what appears to be the source code for Linux kernel 5.0.0. Needless to say, my whole world-view has changed..."

Hoffman made the discovery accidentally. "I was trying to write a more efficient algorithm in C to calculate individual digits of PI. However, my relative lack of programming experience, combined with C's highly obfuscated syntax, led me to the discovery. Instead of calculating each digit and returning it as an int, my program was (for some reason I still haven't been able to figure out) converting it to its ASCII equivalent and returning it as a char."

"Then it hit me. What if some kind of secret messages, encoded in ASCII, was stored in the digits of PI? I set to work on the problem, and after several months of toil, have discovered the awesome truth. My algorithm, which applies several dozen conversions and manipulations of each digit of PI, spits out plain vanilla ASCII characters that happen to form the source code for the Linux kernel."

"I tried to compile the source code, but gcc choked on it. Apparently a later version of gcc is needed to compile the Linux 5.0.0 source code. It's too bad the code for gcc isn't encoded in another irrational constant. Or is it? I wonder what would happen if I fed e through my algorithm..."

Many scientists are skeptical about Hoffman's discovery. One mathematician who has memorized the digits of PI to 10,000 places said, "This is the kind of nonsense one would expect to find in a tabloid such as the National Mathematics Enquirer. Or a Linux humor site. Hoffman's 'discovery' is obviously a hoax designed to secure government research grants."

Another scientist Humorix contacted said, "Hoffman's claim is filled with holes large enough to push Windows 95 through. Apply a little critical thinking and look at all the inconsistencies and problems with Hoffman's 'discovery'. ASCII is an arbitrary code. Why not EBCDIC? Also, the base 10 number system, which his PI-to-ASCII scheme is based on, is arbitrary. Why not binary numbers? Oh, and then there's the biggie: PI is infinitely long. The Linux source code is not (Windows NT, on the other hand...). Explain that, PI Boy!"

Hoffman will formally present his findings to the scientific community on March 14th at the Annual PI Day Conference and Exposition in Chicago. One conference attendee said, "Usually the PI Day expo is pretty boring, with some asinine workshops about 'The History of PI' and 'Teaching Techniques to Make Learning About PI More Fun for Remedial High School Students'. However, with the unfolding brouhaha surrounding the Linux-PI connection, this could be a very interesting convention. Then again, there's going to be several hundred mathematicians from around the world in attendance. It might not be that exciting after all."

In a related matter, Humorix has received an unconfirmed report that a region of the standard Mandelbrot fractal contains what appear to be the words "LINUS TORVALDS WAS HERE". In addition, the words "TRANSMETA: THIS SECRET MESSAGE IS NOT HERE YET" supposedly appear within the depths of the Julia Set.

Linus Torvalds and Benoit Mandelbrot were unavailable for comment at press time.

Is Windows Antique?

Fake News written by James Baughn on March 6, 1999

SILICON VALLEY -- The first ever antique mall devoted to computers has opened its doors deep in the heart of Silicon Valley. Named "Stacks of Antiqueues", the new mall features obsolete hardware, old software, and other curiosities that only a nerd would want to buy. The mall also features a whole collection of Microsoft software, which, as can be expected, has the Redmond giant up in arms.

The mall, founded by a group of Linux, FreeBSD, and BeOS users, has a whole section devoted to Microsoft "antiques". Offerings range from a rare (and expensive) copy of Windows 1.0 all the way up to Windows 98. All versions of DOS from 1.0 up are available, in addition to such Microsoft products as Bob, Profit, and Multiplan.

The mall also features an old "OS/2 Programmer's Guide" book, in which Bill Gates is quoted as saying, "I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system, and possibly program, of all time. As the successor to DOS, which has over 10,000,000 systems in use, it creates incredible opportunities for everyone involved with PCs."

Bob Hinesdorf, one of the mall's founders, defends the decision to include Microsoft products in its selection of antique computer stuff. "Windows 98 is surely antique; it's based on 16 bit Windows 3.x code, which was based on 16 bit DOS code, which was based loosely on 8 bit CP/M."

When we asked about Linux, which is based on decades-old Unix technology, Hinesdorf replied in an annoyed tone, "Huh? You're trying to compare a Ferrari to a horse-drawn chariot. Sure, both may be based on ancient technology (The Wheel), but the Ferrari is not an antique. Linux's design might be based on Unix, but Windows actually contains 16 bit DOS and Windows code. It's antique, darn it! And why am I arguing with a reporter for a Linux humor site? You're not supposed to defend Microsoft!"

It should come as no surprise that Microsoft is not pleased with the Stacks of Antiqueues mall. Microsoft has gone so far as to issue a scathing press release titled "Windows 95 and 98 are not antiques!" In the press release, Microsoft says, "...Microsoft Windows® features the latest in desktop enhancement technology... The Microsoft legal department is discussing the possibility of suing the antique mall, arguing that their classifying of our products as 'antiques' is recklessly defamatory."

We've heard rumors that a group of Microsoft employees who work at Microsoft's Foster City offices are trying to organize a "Windows is not antique!" protest. The group may march in front of the mall on March 15th and demand that Windows be removed from the shelves.

One observer commented, "If such a protest occurs, it will be the first time in history that Microsoft demands that its products be removed from the shelves of a store."

Programmer's Points: "Hello, Linux!"

Column written by M. L. C. Pluspluss on March 3, 1999

As I have become a member of the Open Source "community" I have discovered that while many of you can talk the talk, not as many can walk the walk in terms of coding your way out of a wet paper sack. Why look at all the silly posts one sees on that tiny little rag dashdot.borg and how ignorant many readers are. It is "make the window grab the background pointer" this and "feed the list slowly into /dev/null so it doesn't choke" that. I've come to realize that while many are wan'abees, few are trained. I was quite satisfied to leave this state of affairs as it is (we won't be able to keep milking this Y2K thing forever, you know) and just make sure my card was left with the employer of those same wan'abees.

But the courage shown by my colleague, Jon Splatz, in stepping outside of his comfort zone, of moving into the new world while bringing his own particular brand of expertise to a new community has inspired me.

You see, I am an expert programmer for the world's greatest operating system (yes, I know many of you have already guessed it, it is Microsoft Windows for Workgroups) but I have found that there is change on the horizon. New and strange programs have been coming out of Redmond of late. I've heard something about Windows 95 (though how they could have jumped that many versions without a press release is beyond me). The troubles in Washington, particularly the questions about whether DR DOS is being unfairly prevented from competing with MS DOS have alarmed me to. Add to this the difficulties over Stacker and I just knew the time for change had come.

So like many in this business, I am re-evaluating my skills and looking for new opportunities. It just so happens that Humorix, looking for new talent contacted me, mentioning that one of my business associates had referred them to me as something of a joke (I think he meant, the teller of a good joke; that Dave always talks so fast I'm sure Mr. Braug just didn't hear the whole sentence). While I can see nothing very funny about programming and I'm not quite sure why a Humor Web site (such as it is, frankly I don't exactly get all these jokes about Linux) needs an in house programming tutor, I'm up for the challenge.

So for my first discussion, I thought I would start with something simple like your basic "Hello, World!" program in BASIC. Unfortunately, Mr. Braug explained, BASIC just isn't news for nerds or stuff that matters.

I was aghast when I heard this (I'm a nerd, or at least that is how they referred to me in school, and I know BASIC very well; not as well as Bill Gates, maybe, but pretty well). Some of my best work was done in BASIC. In fact, my senior project back when I was in college was a highly sophisticated tic-tac-toe player that could win nearly 50% of the time against a six year old (my sister).

Everyone should learn BASIC. To understand Windows programming, one really must have a good understanding of BASIC because this was the primary (some say only) language Bill Gates would allow to be used at Microsoft during the crucial years when the foundation of Windows was being built. I've been told by reliable sources that the origional version of Microsoft Money was written in BASIC (of some sort). The later switch to C++ for the operating system was a mistake in my opinion because of the loss of flexibility it entailed.

I really have no wish to step on my generous employer's toes in my first article but considering the pressing needs of familiarizing you, the gentle Linux enthusiast, with your past (and perhaps a part of your future?) let me present to you a first BASIC program.

1. Line numbers

You will find line numbers to be fundamentally useful and important devices for helping you decide which line should execute next. Some versions of BASIC have adopted labels as a means of identifying sequence in execution but I feel that the advantages of line numbers greatly outweighs their supposed disadvantages. I've even heard, though I've never been forced to wade through such code, that some degenerate versions of BASIC don't use line numebrs or even labels (Such versions should be carefully avoided as the abominations they are).

You will probably want to use a base 10 numbering system, separating each statement by 10 ordinal units. I have encountered some code that used a hex numbering system. This was quite helpful for calculating the amount of delay provided by a goto loop-delay circuit (but I will avoid such topics as the advanced use of goto for the time being).

2. The code

Your first line might look something like this:
10 REM This is my first program

The statement separator is the simple new line. No more problems remembering the line terminator symbol (no more ; for all you sufferers under the tyranny of C). Thus your second line might be:
20 PRINT "HELLO, WORLD!"

An optional way to clearly end your program is to give this last line:
30 END

And that is it. The Hello, World! program in BASIC. There are several more features we could implement in just a few short moments but I will leave those to you who wish to revisit the cradle of modern computing.

3. Exercises

On your own you might want to try these problems:

1. 1. Cause the words "HELLO, WORLD!" to be printed over and over on the screen.
   2. Do the same but with each sentence printed one after the other (Hint: look at the GOTO statement).
2. Cause the word ABBA to be printed out backwards.
3. From the code you wrote for problem 1b, take the word you reversed in problem 2 and print it over and over.
4. (More difficult) Implement the Eliza program using just the PRINT command and the GOTO command.

In the future, I will continue to introduce the roots of the modern computing environment by looking at the fundamentals of some key operating systmes. I also plan to investigate proper coding style, proper documentation, specification, implementation, and my personal favorite, proving correctness. It is my humble goal to provide you, the Linux enthusiasts, with the skills you need to help Linux take its place alongside the great operating systems such as MS DOS/Windows and CP/M.

Humorix: We're a Portal, Too!

Fake News written by James Baughn on March 3, 1999

[Editor's Note: Watching with envy as other Linux companies jump on the PORTAL bandwagon and rake in huge amounts of money, Humorix has decided to join in. We have issued the following press release announcing that this site will henceforth be called a PORTAL. According to the little known Yahoo! Law of New Media, "Anybody who creates a site that half-way resembles a PORTAL will become a multimillionaire overnight". I suppose I need to check the front door; there's probably a whole horde of Venture Capitalists outside wanting to invest in Humorix already...]

CAPE GIRARDEAU, Missouri, March 3 /HypeNewsWire/ -- Fairly Popular Provider of Linux Humor and Jokes Partners with Underpaid Website Developers to Deliver a Single PORTAL Web Site for Linux Fake News, Unsubstantiated Rumors, and Funny Links

Humorix World Domination, Inc. (HumorWorld Booth # 1926), the somewhat popular provider of Linux humor and jokes, today announced a new Linux PORTAL that provides millions of Linux users with a single Web site to access the latest fake news, unsubstantiated rumors, and funny links for the world's fastest-growing operating system.

"Humorix continues to aggressively expand the resources for the Linux community by calling its website a PORTAL," announced James Baughn, Founder, President, CEO, Keeper of the Root Password, Modest Creator of Bogus Job Titles, and Lord High Editor for Humorix World Domination, Inc. "Humorix's name recognition and shady reputation will allow us to deliver even more humor resources through its PORTAL to the booming Linux user community."

More than 10 million users currently run the Linux operating system. According to YDC Research, Linux was the fastest-growing server operating environment in 1998, capturing more than 17 percent of all server operating system shipments. A new survey in LinuxPlanet showed that 0.04 percent of those polled cite Humorix as the most recognized source for Linux humor.

The Humorix PORTAL Web Site provides a one-stop Internet resource that makes it tremendously easy for Linux users to waste their time.

About Linux

Linux® is the cooperatively developed POSIX-oriented, multi-user, multi-tasking, buzzword-compliant, monopoly-free, hyphen-enriched operating system used worldwide. Linux is strongly differentiated from virtually all other operating systems because it is "open source"®©(TM)(SM) software, with the source code freely available to all users who can understand obfuscated C/C++ code. Unlike binary-only operating systems that restrict access to the source code, Linux benefits from a worldwide community of highly experienced programmers, technically savvy academics, and outspoken zealots who have the access to enhance and improve the system. Linux is used as an exceptional-value, fully functional, anti-Microsoft UNIX® workstation for Internet servers and other applications.

About Humorix World Domination, Inc.

Founded in 1998, Humorix is based in the boondocks of Southeast Missouri, where its underpaid, overworked staff maintain the somewhat popular Humorix PORTAL web site. Humorix contines to gain recognition in the Linux community: it was named Buy-An-Award.com's "Carpal Tunnel Site of the Millisecond" for three consecutive milliseconds, and has been listed under Yahoo's "Sites We Recommend If You Have Nothing Better To Do" hierarchy.

The Open Directory Project describes Humorix as "The most dangerous and subversive of all Linux websites. Run by true Linux terrorists."

For more information about Humorix, please visit our PORTAL web site at http://humorix.org/

LINUX is a trademark of Linus Torvalds. OPEN SOURCE is a trademark/service mark/certification mark/whatever of the organization Eric S. Raymond and/or Bruce Perens are currently serving under this week. UNIX is a closed registered trademark of The Open Group of Oxymorons.

All other names and trademarks are the property of their respective owners (most likely Microsoft Corporation).

Contact:

Say Hi to Hype Media Relations, Inc.
for Humorix World Domination
Mark Eating, PR Representative, humorix@fake-pr.com

Attack of the Venture Capitalists

Fake News written by James Baughn on March 3, 1999

SILICON VALLEY -- Mention the word "portal" to a herd of venture capitalists, and you'll create a stampede. Four companies have announced Linux "portal" websites at LinuxWorld Expo -- VA Research, Red Hat, Ziff-Davis and Linux Magazine. Needless to say, the VCs are in a frenzy. VA Research and Red Hat were all but shut down earlier today as a horde of investors descended on their corporate offices.

"It was horrible," one VA Research janitor told us. "As usual, I arrived early at the VAR offices to open the doors and begin my usual janitorial chores. However, a crowd of 100 or so VCs had already congregated at the front entrance. Once they spotted me, I couldn't escape from them. They asked me questions -- a horrible, endless stream of questions. 'I know nothing about computers,' I kept trying to explain to the berserk crowd, 'I'm just a part time janitor.'"

The situation wasn't much better at Red Hat's offices in North Carolina. An employee in Red Hat's sales department told Humorix, "We had to sneak in through the back entrance to avoid the throng of zealous, portal-crazed VCs assembled in the front. I now know what the Microsoft employees in Foster City thought about the throng of zealous, Linux-crazed nerds staging a protest outside their offices."

Our source added, "In desperation, upper management frantically prepared a 'Dear Valued Investor' form letter to be distributed to all the VCs. While the letters were being handed out, one crafty RH employee announced to the crowd, 'I've just heard a rumor that Rob Malda plans to turn Slashdot into a Linux portal site...' Before he could finish the sentence, all the VCs raced to their luxury cars and sped off in the direction of Holland, Michigan."

"After what happened today, I simply can't imagine the frenzy that will ensue when Red Hat has its IPO next week... er, uh, I'm not supposed to mention that. Don't quote that last sentence please."

Slashdot Effect Prevention Kit

Fake News written by James Baughn on March 2, 1999

ST. LOUIS, MO -- Has your website been decimated by the dreaded Slashdot Effect? A small start-up company called AntiDot Enterprises has the solution: The Slashdot Effect Prevention Kit. This product, which retails for US$49.95, includes software and documentation allowing Unix-based systems to resist the destructive force of the Slashdot Effect. AntiDot advertises, "If your site crashes as a result of the Slashdot Effect, we'll give you your money back, guaranteed!"

AntiDot is founded by a disgruntled webmaster, Eric Langlitz, who suffered from the Slashdot Effect a few months ago. Humorix conducted an exclusive interview with Langlitz earlier today.

Humorix: Why did you create the Slashdot Effect Prevention Kit?

Langlitz: I don't want other innocent webmaster to undergo the same trauma I went through when my site was mentioned on Slashdot. Even though it was only a brief mention, my server crashed within minutes of the posting. The Pentium CPU overheated, and actually caught on fire. The system was a total loss. In addition, my ISP charged me $50.00 for the additional bandwidth the Slashdot Effect sucked up.

Humorix: Other sites have survived the Slashdot Effect. Why did your system crash?

Langlitz: Well, using Windows NT probably wasn't the best idea. Still, most sites that survive the Slashdot Effect are highly advanced systems -- quad Alphas with 1 GB of RAM, for instance. My system -- before it went up in flames -- was a P60 with 24MB of RAM. However, why should I upgrade my system because some nerd with the impossible name "CmdrTaco" links to it? I don't think that's fair.

Humorix: How does your Kit work?

Langlitz: The software consists of a modified Apache httpd daemon that handles three additional tasks.

One, it periodically checks the http referrer logs to see if any hits are coming from slashdot.org (or a mirror). Typically, sites about to fall victim to the Slashdot Effect will have the URL http://slashdot.org/submit.pl in their logs. If the daemon detects suspicious activity, it will send an email to the webmaster notifying them of the potential problem, and it will go into YellowAlert mode.

Two, once in YellowAlert mode, the daemon periodically queries slashdot.org to see if the Slashdot homepage has been updated. If so, it downloads the page and checks for the presence of any links to the site. If it detects an imminent Slashdot Effect, the daemon enters RedAlert mode.

Also, while in YellowAlert, the daemon monitors the system load and the bandwidth usage for any suspicious spikes in activity. If a spike is detected (the Slashdot Effect typically follows a set pattern of bandwidth usage), the system is sent into RedAlert.

Three, once in RedAlert, the daemon actively repels the Slashdot Effect, using methods preconfigured by the webmaster:

• The daemon can redirect ALL requests back to slashdot.org, causing a Reverse Slashdot Effect. Hopefully CmdrTaco will get the hint and remove the link.

• The daemon can send a series of emails to the Slashdot contributors demanding that the offending link be removed.

• The daemon can send an email to the site's ISP, notifying them of the problem before it gets out of control (However, since the Slashdot Effect can strike within milliseconds, this may not do much good).

• The daemon can issue an emergency shutdown -h now command, forcing the system to shut down before the Slashdot Effect can do any serious harm.

• The daemon can return an Error 666 ("Server Too Busy -- Please DON'T try again later") to all requests.

Humorix: Just how effective is your Kit? It seems like it doesn't prevent a Slashdot Effect, only respond to it.

Langlitz: If the daemon is started in ExplodingTaco mode (with the --taco switch), it actively prevents any of the Slashdot posters from accessing the site. The daemon maintains a database of the IP addresses used by the Slashdot contributors -- if the system detects an access from one of these addresses, the system returns an Error 667 ("Access Denied -- Go Away, Taco Boy") and enters into YellowAlert mode.

Humorix: Have you done any field testing with your Kit?

Langlitz: Indeed. None of the sites in our beta program that used the Kit have been mentioned on Slashdot -- or any other high traffic site (the TechSightings and LinuxToday Effects can be quite deadly, too).

Humorix: How do you feel about the Slashdot Baiting Kit, which was featured on Humorix a few weeks ago?

Langlitz: I can't believe anybody would WANT to be hit with the Slashdot Effect. It boggles the mind. It also amazes me that people are making money off selling Slashdot-related products.

Humorix: Does CmdrTaco know about your product?

Langlitz: No. And since the AntiDot website is protected by the Kit (in ExplodingTaco mode), we hope he never does. This is one nerd news item that will never be featured on Slashdot.

HumorWorld Expo

Fake News written by James Baughn on March 1, 1999

ANNA, ILLINOIS -- Bob's Budget Motel and Convention Room is gearing up for the First Annual HumorWorld Conference and Expo, to be held March 2nd and 3rd. The expo will showcase several new products and services aimed towards the exploding online humor market. The Humorix staff is participating in the event by manning a booth and conducting small workshops.

Noah Morals, official Humorix lawyer, will be conducting a workshop entitled "How to Write Funny License Agreements". Jon Splatz is slated to give a presentation about how to add new life to a struggling humor publication by introducing a recurring, fictional character. James Baughn will be manning the small Humorix booth, where he will be giving out free "If it wasn't for Microsoft, we'd all be out of business" T-shirts.

Richard M. Stallman had been slated to give the keynote speech, "Why Humor Should Be Free", but he will instead be speaking at some small, insignificant conference in San Jose, CA. In his place, a founding member of the Free Content Foundation and the GNUmor Project will be giving a speech about the evils of proprietary humor. He will be advocating that writers adopt the new GNUmor General OpenHumor License.

A new venture, HumorCare, will unveil its services at the expo. Starting in April, HumorCare will provide support for budding comedians and humorists. Using a per-incident pay schedule, HumorCare will provide brainstorming and story ideas for humorists suffering writers' block. The company will also provide technical support for grammar and spelling issues, among other things.

Corel is scheduled to unveil a new port of its WordPerfect Office suite to the burgeoning humor market. Dubbed Corel HumorOffice, the software suite will provide writing and publishing tools designed specifically for the needs of humorists. Some of the new features in HumorPerfect, the word processing component of HumorOffice, include:

• What If? Analysis - Allows the humorist to interactively parody an existing work by changing the setting and characters. For instance, "Bill Clinton" could be changed to "Bill Gates", allowing the writer to create a humorous statement like, "Bill Gates said to the court, 'I did not have anti-competitive relations with that company, Netscape.'"

• AutoTemplates - A selection of pre-made, commonly used, templates for jokes and articles. For example, the user can enter "Slashdot" and select the "Microsoft Acquires..." template, and the program will automatically generate a funny fake news article titled "Microsoft Acquires Slashdot; Rob Malda Inducted into Re-Education Program". Other templates include "Microsoft Announces...", "Microsoft Sues...", "New Linux Distro Released...", "Richard Stallman's Latest Proclamation...", "Latest News from LinuxWorld Expo...", and more.

• Barry-O-Matic - A built-in macro that makes the current document sound like a Dave Barry column. Phrases such as "I am not making this up", "Alert reader [fake name] sent in this disturbing article about [some bodily function] out of the [small town newspaper with silly name]...", "I was invited to be the grand marshal of a parade honoring [bodily function] in [some fictional town in the Midwest], and "Ask Mr. Language Person..." will be added randomly to the document.

Free "personal evaluation" copies of HumorPerfect will be handed out to attendees at the Corel booth. Attendees will also be able to register to win a copy of the new CorelCARTOON! program, a port of CorelDRAW! enhanced for cartoonists.

The HumorWorld Expo is open to the public. The conference runs from 10AM to 6PM on Tuesday and Wednesday, with the keynote speech at 2PM on Tuesday. The Humorix booth is positioned inside a small room that says "Maintenance Closet"; you can't miss it.