New OS Released: Yodix

Fake News written by Dave Finton on May 31, 1999

Most Linux fans (who are also Star Wars fans) were not surprised to learn that Bob Smith of Sometown, Iowa, today released the Yodix operating system, which is closely related to Linux. Yodix is identical in every respect to the Open Source operating system except that the GNU utilities such as bash, cp, rm, emacs, and so forth are tweaked a little bit so that the output and error messages of said commands are styled after the sayings and witticisms by the now-famous Yoda character from Star Wars.

In addition to these changes, a filter has been put in the OS so that the the kernel determines the wisdom of the action you are to perform before actually executing the command, and it also determines whether said command leads the user towards good or towards the Dark Side. This feature prevents script kiddies from running exploits from their computers (providing they are running Yodix), since the operating system absolutely refuses to perform any function designed to harm or destroy.

Here are some examples of the output generated when running commonly typed commands under Yodix:

# pwd
Know you not where you are. Show you I shall.

# make bzImage
Woooo-hoohoohoohoohoo!!

# uptime
When 900 years you be, look this good you will not.

# cd /win95
Once you start down the Dark Path, forever will it dominate your destiny!

# winnuke 192.168.1.0
That, my friend, will lead you to the dark side. Help you I will not.

# rm -rf /
Idiot you are. Yeeesss.

# rm -rffffffff /
Luke, keyboard you are at, hmmm?

# ls /usr/src/yodix
Yoda! You seek Yoda!

# shutdown -h now
Luke... there is... another... Sky... walker...

# fsck /dev/hda
Unexpected this is, and unfortunate.
(Submitted by Satya, satyap [at] bom2 [dot] vsnl [dot] net [dot] in)

# gcc try.c -o try
Do, or do not. There is no 'try'.
(Satya)

# find / foo -print
Looking? Found someone you have, I would say, hmm?
(Satya)

# /usr/games/doom
Wars not make one great.
(Satya)

# cd ~
Mudhole? Slimy? My home this is.
(Satya)

# help
Oohhh. Jedi Master. Yoda. You seek Yoda.
(Satya)

# killall gcc
The boy has no patience.
Hmmm. Much anger in him, like his father.
(Satya)

# cat /etc/passwd
My own counsel will I keep
(Satya)

# pwd
This one a long time have I watched. Never his mind on where he was.
(Satya)

# cd /usr/games
Hmph. Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A Jedi craves not these things.
(Satya)

# rm -f *
You are reckless!
(Satya)

# man force
Nothing more will I teach you today. Clear your mind of questions.
(Satya)

# lynx www.microsoft.com
That place...is strong with the dark side of the Force. A domain of evil it is. In you must go.
(Satya)

$ su root
Your weapons...you will not need them.
(Satya)

# rm -rf
Use the Force. Yes...
(Satya)

# coio
Concentrate!
(Satya)

# alias dir=ls
No! No different! Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned.
(Satya)

# ls /bin
Old friends long gone.
(Satya)

# rmm -c;a
You must learn control.
(Satya)

# lynx www.slashdot.org
Friends you have there.
(Satya)

# exit You must complete the training.
You must not go!
(Satya)

# info
Mind what you have learned. Save you it can.
(Satya)

# df
Size matters not. Judge me by my size do you, hmmm?
(Submitted by Adam Hamm, ahamm [at] hsc [dot] vcu [dot] edu)

# reboot -n
That is why you fail.
(Adam Hamm)

# kill -9 <pid>
Anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side.
(Submitted by robertc [at] eaic [dot] com)

Microsoft Conspiracy Theories

Fake News written by James Baughn on May 26, 1999

Recently Humorix reported on the Microsoft Conspiracy Theory contest sponsored by Linux Fortnight News. During the past two weeks the Humorix staff has composed several conspiracy theories that we will submit to the contest. We found that it's much easier to write Microsoft conspiracy theories than it is to write ordinary fake news.

SETI@home: Searching for Intelligent Life in Windows

It seems suspicious that the source code to the SETI@home client is closed. The stated purpose of the SETI@home Project is to utilize distributed computing to search for alien signals. That is what They want you to believe. The client may spit out messages about "Fourier transforms" and "signals from the Arecibo Observatory", but that's all a cover to trick the unsuspecting public.

In reality, the CPU cycles burned running SETI@home are actually compiling portions of the Windows 2000 source code. Sections of the Windows Y2K source code are distributed (in encrypted form) as "work units" to SETI@home clients. The client program compiles that section of code and returns the work unit to the SETI website, which is actually a front for tide7.microsoft.com.

Such a distributed computing system is necessary to fully compile the Windows 2000 source code in a reasonable amount of time. Using only internal Microsoft hardware, it would take 23 days to make one WinY2K build. With SETI@home (or should we say, MS@home), it only takes 2.3 days.

WinBoxes: The Latest Volley In The War Against Linux

Nicholas Petreley wrote an April Fool's article about "Winboards", cheap Windows-only motherboards that function like WinModems. While most of Petreley's readers laughed at the absurd concept and moved on, an engineer from Microsoft's R&D labs didn't. Microsoft will embrace and extend this concept to create entire Windows-only computers called "WinBoxes". What started out as an innocent April Fool's gag has turned into Microsoft's latest anti-Linux conspiracy.

Microsoft has inked a secret deal with Compaq to produce a line of WinBoxes. These computers will consist exclusively of specially designed Windows-only "hardware" built into the motherboard. The CPU will handle all of the processing that is usually reserved for external devices in real computers. The motherboard will contain a built-in WinSoundCard(tm), WinHardDriveController(tm), WinEthernetCard(tm), WinVideoCard(tm), and, of course, a WinModem(tm). (These boxes will not support traditional floppy drives, but they will support proprietary MSFloppies(tm) capable of holding 10MB apiece).

During the next few months Compaq will begin to mass-produce WinBoxes. These machines will NOT be advertised as Windows-only brain-dead boxes, instead they will be marketed as inexpensive entry-level machines for unsuspecting novice computer users. Such users probably don't realize that Windows alternatives exist, and even if they knew about alternatives, they would be content to use Windows. Indeed, these users will never have the opportunity to realize that the "Windows-enhanced" logo etched into the case is really a "Windows-only" warning label.

Within a few years, these WinBoxes could quietly spread through the low-end desktop market and, ultimately, go mainstream. Your average computer user won't care that his el cheapo US$199 computer can only run the latest version of Windows Two-Thousand-And-Whatever. Your average Linux hacker will care, but alas, he'll be stuck using an ancient AMD K7 system.

The BASIC Conspiracy

Back in the Dark Ages of MS-DOS, most x86 computers came with a BASIC interpreter. While these early interpreters were terrible (BASIC originally stood for BASIC Allows SpaghettI Code, after all), MS-DOS 5.0 introduced QBASIC, an interpreter that made it possible to write non-trivial BASIC programs without using any GOTOs at all.

Many preteen nerds and geeks learned how to program using QBASIC. Many of these geeks are now writing Open Source software. Ironically, it is a Microsoft program that inspired many Linux hackers.

Not anymore, though. QBASIC and it's older brother, QuickBASIC, are now obsolete, relegated to some obscure directory (if you're lucky) on the Windows or TechNet CD-ROM. Microsoft's current incarnation of BASIC, Visual Basic, costs hundreds of dollars. Microsoft doesn't bundle a stripped down version of VB with Windows like it did QBASIC with DOS (although just about everything else is bundled in Windows, except maybe a kitchen sink (slated for release with Windows 2002)).

What's a preteen proto-hacker to do? If they use Windows, not much. They might be able to use the BASIC macro language that comes with Office (why bother?), but, unless they're willing to spend money on a compiler, programming options are limited. Future possible Open Source hackers are being squandered by Redmond's refusal to bundle a free version of BASIC (or any language, for that matter) with their mega-OS. Preteens are content to play Quake and Alpha Centauri instead of hacking code like us oldtimers did. It's a shame, really.

The conspiracy doesn't end there. Most high schools no longer teach programming courses; instead they have "computer science" (sic) classes on using Windows or Office. Indeed, it would appear that many schools receive discounts on Microsoft programs if they agree not to teach any programming classes or classes on using non-Microsoft programs. Programming is becoming a lost art. An increasing number of computer users trust Microsoft exclusively to produce their software. The Do-It-Yourself attitude that makes Open Source so strong is dwindling in future generations.

Linux could be doomed by a lack of future talent. It's a shame, really.

The Other BASIC Conspiracy

[This conspiracy theory was drafted by a different member of the Humorix staff than the previous one. -- The Editor]

You've probably seen old "programs" (I use the term loosely) written in GW-BASIC or BASICA. They are crap. Indeed, contrary to popular belief, BASIC actually stands for Beginner's All-purpose System for Innovating Crap (Symbolic Instruction Code my ass!). The GW-BASIC interpreter encouraged crappy poorly-written uncommented spaghetti code compressed into as few lines as possible.

The abomination known as BASIC has ruined countless potential Open Source programmers. Teenagers who learned "programming" via BASIC are stunted for life; many are unable to advance beyond being an MSCE. These BASIC-heads have to unlearn everything they know in order to write structured programs (much less anything Object Oriented!), a feat many cannot master.

Item: BASIC has screwed over countless future programmers with its unstructured "syntax".

Item: Microsoft has shipped brain-dead BASIC interpreters with MS-DOS, and most recently, with Office in the form of a macro language.

Obvious Conclusion: Microsoft has been conspiring to rid the computer industry of programming talent, most likely in a fiendish plot to ruin its future competition (read: Open Source software).

More advanced versions of BASIC that shipped with MS-DOS 5+ (QBASIC) and with Office (Visual Basic for Applications) are still brain-dead. These "modern" interpreters are merely a ruse to obfuscate Microsoft's sinister plans for programming domination. The fact that Windows itself comes with no BASIC interpreter is another fiendish plan devised to confuse anybody attempting to unravel this conspiracy.

This conspiracy also applies to Microsoft's other modern programming tools. Visual C++, with its Microsoft Foundation Classes, is a prime example of the raw evilness pouring from Redmond. MFC-compiled programs are so bloated that the entire Linux kernel could fit into their binaries several times over! And then there's J++, which is sinister in its own right.

In conclusion, by bundling inferior programming tools with its products during the 1980s (and today), Microsoft has stifled programming talent, and thus, its competition. The fact that Open Source software has flourished against this impediment is amazing. But we must ask ourselves, what would the computer industry be like if Microsoft had bundled a decent BASIC interpreter with MS-DOS in the 80s?

Australian Net Censorship: Welcome to MS-Australia!

The pending Internet censorship bill in Australia (or, by the time you read this, law) is obviously part of a grand Microsoft conspiracy. While the stated goal of this bill is to "protect the children", in reality the mission is to "protect the Microsoft stockholders."

This bill would place a burden on Australia ISPs to block "offensive" material from overseas servers. Such a burden would weigh heavily on smaller ISPs, no doubt causing some to go out of business (or merge with others). This is exactly what Microsoft -- in its fiendish scheme to turn the Internet into the Microsoft Network -- wants. With Net access in Australia limited to a smaller set of ISPs, Microsoft will be able to dominate the industry through a couple of strategic ISP and telecom acquisitions.

First Australia, and then the World. The Microsoft conspiracy to dominate Internet access through the guise of "protecting the children" is underway.

And that's not all. Humorix recently reported that the Linux operating system could be effectively banned from Australia because it contains potentially offensive material in its source code (the f--- word). This possibility still holds. For all we know, the Humorix website could be banned in the future because some Australian politician found this article "offensive" to him.

If the above items don't reek of an obvious Microsoft conspiracy, I don't know what does.

Linux Hackers Evolve into Higher Lifeforms

Fake News written by Dave Finton on May 19, 1999

In a rather surprising development today it was announced early this morning that Dr. Linus Torvalds did not show up to work. Torvald's wife, Tove, called Transmeta to inform them the Linus was unable to come into work today. Here is the transcript of the phone conversation as recorded by the CIA through illegal wire-tapping:

Transmeta secretary: Is Linus sick today?

Tove: Well, sort of. About an hour ago he fell into this trance. I tried to wake him up but he didn't move. All he had was this blissful look on his face.

Transmeta: Are you sure it's not the flu?

Tove: I don't think so.

The conversation goes on for 15 minutes as the two weeded out different possibilities of what Linus could be suffering from (ranging from a hangnail to spontanious human combustion to Star Wars Fever(tm)). When they both realized that Linus was not suffering from your everyday, normal malady, Transmeta was about to hang up the phone when something interesting happened.

Tove let out a surprised yelp, and cried "Oh my god! It's that bald doctor guy from Star Trek Voyager(tm)! You know, the holographic guy who complains about everything!" A voice could then be heard in the background saying "I'm a doctor, not some cheap gimmick to be used in some lame college student's humor article submission to Humorix!"

The phone conversation ended there with the sound of a transporter device beaming away the ailing Linus.

The strange news, of course, is that this was not an isolated incident. Somewhere in Great Britain famed Linux hacker Alan Cox reportedly disappeared in a "great white light". Witnesses say that Alan was entertaining his guests by showing off his brand-new ultra-wide SCSI controller when all of the sudden, he fell silent, only sipping his beer periodically.

"It was wierd," said Alan's wife. "He would sit there and take a sip of his beer. He would then stare at his glass, and after a few seconds the level of the beer rose right there in his cup! It was as though his mind had achieved mastery of space and time to the point where he could create and destroy beer at will." After Alan had consumed enough beer, he promptly departed to another dimension for "a quick visit to the john". He hasn't been seen since.

David Miller was reported to have dropped where he stood. Promptly thereafter, a ghostly white apparition appeared from his chest and rose to the heavens. And Bob Smith, a man who once shook Linus Torvalds' hand at a Linux Expo (he couldn't remember which one), called police this morning saying that the image of the Linux Penguin mascot had appeared in the palm of his hand.

"I was like, what the hell?" said teenager haXX0r d00d Bob Smith. "Then I realized I was very l33t and had my friends pay me 10 bucks a peep to see my hand."

"We we got the call from Mr. Smith" reported police, "we said, 'Ya right buddy. Whatcha been smoking lately?' But then we got the reports of other prominent Linux folks achieving some higher form of consciousness. We put two and two together. Or at least our lab team is working on it. Preliminary reports say that two and two are four, but we will not be completely certain until all the facts are in."

Bill Gates was interviewed today abaout this rather phenominal series of events. He had this to say:

"As you can see the Linux has a very uncertain future. Why trust your company to a bunch of hippie hackers who may one day disappear in a dimensional wormhole as highly-evolved amorphous beings? We here at Microsoft have already evolved to the highest form of intelligence. We're not going anywhere."

A Microsoft programmer, speaking on the condition of anonymity, had this to say however. "Ah screw Bill. I'm downloading Linux tonight. What good are stock options when you can have the universe?" Bill Gates could be heard in his office screaming "No! You can't come for them! I am the one you should take! Take me, pleeeease!!!!"

Even though Linus, Alan, David, and a growing number of kernel hackers could not be reached for comment, we did receive a press release from a group calling themselves the "Higher Order of Computing Elders for the Advancement of the Penguin and the Great Gnu" (HOCEAPGG). This is what it says:

"Well today I released kernel version 2.3.7. This new kernel has a few new features such as World Peace, End to World Hunger, as well as some updates to the networking and filesystem subsystems. Have fun hacking, and let me know if you encounter any strange bugs, such as black holes spontaneously appearing in your bedroom, or the computer hanging when you access your SCSI hard drives.
-- Linus Torvalds, High Poobah of the Winds (damn that chili I ate last night)"

Alan Cox then sent an email stating that his 2.3.7-ac1 patch was out, including the patch for the hole in the ozone layer.

Linux Portal Mini-HOWTO

Feature written by James Baughn on May 19, 1999

If Humorix had a million dollars for every self-proclaimed "Linux portal" that's been launched in the last year, we'd be richer than Bill Gates (give or take a few billion). All of these "portal" websites are trying to cash in on the popularity of Linux. What is ironic, however, is that portals are virtually worthless -- anybody can create their own. As proof, Humorix presents the "Linux Portal Mini-HOWTO", a guide to creating your own portal website and raking in millions from advertisers and venture capitalists.

Step 1. Choose a domain name for your Linux portal.

A long URL is unacceptable in the cut-throat Linux portal market. You'll need to have your own catchy domain name to lure in visitors. Of course, finding a catchy domain name that hasn't been sucked up by squatters is next to impossible, so you'll have to be creative.

After scouring the whois index, we've found some possible names that haven't been registered (yet).

Generic portal names:

• i-want-a-portal.com
• open-source-portal.com
• i-want-a-linux-portal.com
• portal-portal-portal.com
• gnuportal.com

Generic names people might type in as a joke:

• what-the-heck-is-linux.com
• i-need-linux-help.com
• i-love-linux.com
• tuxpenguin.org
• nudesource.org

Domains that take advantage of the popularity of other sites:

• slashdont.org
• slashdotdot.org
• sashdot.org
• userunfriendly.org
• themez.org
• freshbeef.org
• fresh-meat.org

Domains that allow you to pretend you maintain something you don't:

• linux-doc-project.org
• linux-homepage.org
• gnu-project.org
• free-software-foundation.org

Domains that are refreshingly honest (not recommended):

• linux-news-copied-from-elsewhere.com
• money-making-linux-portal.com
• yet-another-ad-filled-portal.com

Of course, you'll want to have your domain and site hosted by an ISP who is fully capable of withstanding the Slashdot Effect. Hint: If they run Windows NT and IIS, they aren't Slashdot-Ready.

Step 2. Download, install, and learn how to use David Coppit's Daily Update perl script.

This program will automatically download news from other sites, neatly format it, and insert it into your own webpages. The cornerstone of any successful portal site is having content stolen borrowed from other sites.

Daily Update has a handler for downloading the latest Humorix headlines, a feature you will certainly want to take advantage of. No self-respecting "Linux portal" is complete without the latest Linux fake news from Humorix.

Step 3. Design your site.

You'll want to create a site that is light on original content, heavy on content borrowed using Daily Update, and extrememly heavy on advertising, marketing, and buzzwords.

Note: It's vitally important that you put the word "portal" somewhere on your site. Sites that call themselves "portals" -- even if they are no different than "non-portals" -- will be instantly successful in today's market.

Warning: Never, ever, never produce pages that contain a .htm or .asp extension! You'll be sorry if you do.

Step 4. Promote your site via the Nerd Grapevine.

You'll definitely want to get your site featured on these sites (in order of importance): Humorix, Slashdot, LinuxToday, Freshmeat, LWN, and any other Linux portal you can find. You may want to purchase the Slashdot Baiting Kit if you have trouble getting mentioned on Slashdot after the first week.

Step 5. Sit back, relax, and rake in money from advertisers and venture capitalists.

You've "earned" it!

"Linux-killer" Looming on Horizon

Fake News written by Dave Finton on May 19, 1999

Today Linux is installed on millions of web servers, file servers, and cache proxies across the planet. It enjoys is market dominance today because of reliability, stability, and all-around good looks. But a threat is looming on the horizon from a not-so-tiny Redmond-based corporation controlled by a billionaire megalomaniacal geek.

That threat is Windows, an operating system for your PC. An operating system is the software on your computer that manages your files, runs your applications, and downloads your porn for you as you operate your computer. Currently Linux enjoys market dominance in the realm of servers, but can an upstart OS from some rich guy's company threaten that empire?

If Windows is to have a chance at this market, it's got a lot of work ahead of it. For instance, instead of using your computer from a powerful command-line interface, one must use archane dialogue boxes, click though endless tabs that never stay where they should, and mind-numbing "wizards" that try to walk you through every little step in operating your computer.

So even though this OS is not for everybody, here at Humorix testing labs we put Windows to work, and here are the results that amazed even us.

In order to show the validity of our results, first we set up to machines, identical in every respect except one has Windows and the other Linux. Then we brought in an independent benchmarking company called "Minddraft" or something like that to give the facade of being impartial to our readers. Here is a transcript of what followed:

Humorix testing labs: Uh, dude, you pushed the power button on the Linux machine.

Minddraft: See! Look how unstable Linux is! Windows is obviously superior!

Humorix: But dude, you turned the computer off without any warning!

Minddraft: That only proves our point! Look how Linux loses your data when it crashes! (starts kicking Linux box around and throws it out 10th story window). See! Linux has destroyed your computer!

Humorix: Dude! That was my workstation! All my porn is lost!

Minddraft: Maybe now you'll use a proven operating system, dorks!

After we shot the Minddraft benchmarking experts, the world rejoiced.

While we found the "point-and-click" interface to be useful at times, more often than not it merely got in the way. Most hardcore geeks' mice are buried under mounds of empty Mountain Dew cans, and thus it is difficult to locate it when all you want to do is click on the "OK" button (usually when the computer is telling you it needs to reboot). In addition to all this we found the Windows default "theme" to be horribly ugly. Blue on grey? Get serious.

This new "Windows" operating system may one day be considered a threat to Linux, but don't hold your breath. My guess is that Linus Torvalds will remain gainfully employed for quite some time to come. Linux is here to stay.

Summary: For leaching porn purposes, both operating systems performed beautifully. But Windows' difficult GUI interface will hinder it in becoming a contender in the market. Our advice is to use what is industry-proven, enterprise-ready, and nauseatingly buzzword-compliant. Use Linux.

Stallman's Latest Scheme

Fake News written by James Baughn on May 18, 1999

Richard M. Stallman has announced a plan that will eliminate proprietary, closed software and the "GNU/Linux" boondoogle in one step. RMS is advocating a new operating system called "Gnuix" in which all software is interpreted, not compiled. The system will execute software directly from the source code, making closed software impossible.

The Gnuix system is far from complete, but much of the groundwork has been laid by RMS and the GNU Project. It will be based on the HURD kernel. The most important part of the system is PIG, a code interpreter capable of directly executing programs written in C, C++, Java, Perl, etc. The PIG acronym (or "multinym" as RMS says) stands for any of "PIG Isn't GNU/Linux", "PIG Is Gnuix", "Pretty Innovative Gadget", "PIG Is Great", or "PIG Interprets GPL software", depending on context.

As a side benefit, the name "Gnuix" was carefully chosen to prevent "The GNU/Linux Problem". With "GNU" built into the name, the GNU Project will get the recognition (or should that be ego-gratification?) it deserves. However, RMS detractors have already begun to call the system "GNU/Gnuix" in protest.

Many hackers are concerned about the feasibility of such a system. One Linux enthusiast said, "RMS wants to create a system entirely based on interpreted software? That's ludicrous! Just look how slow and bloated interpreted Java is. Moreover, there's no guarantee that eliminating binaries will increase freedom. Companies could release source code under restrictive Microsoft-like End-User License Agreements, or they could have more liberal licenses but distribute obfuscated source code that nobody can understand or modify."

RMS vehemently defends his latest get-free-quick scheme. "While performance of interpreted programs isn't as good as compiled binaries, the increase in freedom far outweighs the decrease in performance. Besides, interpreted languages such as Perl seem to work just fine. I doubt that Gnuix software would be any slower than MS/Windows software anyways."

As far as the freedom issue, RMS says, "The Gnuix system will not run any closed, proprietary software, period. The PIG interpreter will only execute GPL or LGPL licensed source code, thus preventing any non-free 'open source' software from being used at all." He added, "My plans for World Domination are coming together quite nicely..."

Could You Get Fined For Downloading Linux?

Fake News written by James Baughn on May 13, 1999

...If you live in Australia you might. If the proposed Internet censorship bill pending in Australia is ratified, it might become illegal to download Linux. The bill would make it illegal to access any 'R' rated content in the country. The Linux source code is 'R' rated; a search through it with the rgrep command reveals that the f--- word appears in several places.

We at Humorix shudder to think of all the negative repercussions that passage of the censorship bill might cause. Australian FTP sites would no longer be able to carry the Linux source code -- or any 'R' rated open source software. It would take a herculanean effort to remove all 'offensive' material from all copies of open source software in existence in Australia.

Several conspiracy theories have already emerged, all of which center on Microsoft. Have any of the bill's supporters accepted Microsoft campaign contributions or other favors? We haven't found any evidence of this, but the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) is investigating the possibility.

In addition, it seems suspicious that this bill would leave proprietary software unscathed. The Windows source code could be filled with hundreds of expletives directed at the lemmings end-users of it, but we and the Australian censorship police would have no way of knowing.

Stay tuned to Humorix for breaking information about this unfolding situation.

Avalanche of Contests

Fake News written by James Baughn on May 12, 1999

It all started with Red Hat's bizarre "GeekWorld" contest. Now other Linux-related companies and organizations are jumping on the bandwagon by announcing contests which amount to thinly-disguised publicity stunts. Humorix recently dispatched its Vast Spy Network(tm) to gather information about some of these contests.

Obfuscated Software License Contest

Following in the footsteps of the Obfuscated Perl Contest and the Obfuscated C Code Contest (among others), O'Reilly & Associates is sponsoring an Obfuscated Software License Contest in conjunction with its soon-to-be-published book, "Mastering Software Licenses" (In step with O'Reilly tradition, the book features an animal on the cover. In this case it's a lawyer). During the next month, participants will, in the words of the press release, "submit software licenses so arcane, so complex, so dense, and so impenetrable that they will send even the most experienced attorney into a tailspin."

Richard Stallman has already submitted the new Lesser GPL 2.1 license, which is currently a front-runner in the contest. Other previously submitted entries include the "Mozilla-BSD-Artistic-GPL-QPL-APSL Composite Mostly-Open-Source License" submitted by a team of California lawyers, and the "OpenHumor Public License", a license for humor content drafted by our own Humorix lawyer, Mr. N. O. Morals.

The winner(s) of the contest will receive a "lifetime" supply of O'Reilly books. (However, you'd better read the fine print on the contest page... it's quite, ahem, obfuscated.)

Microsoft Conspiracy Theory Contest

"A Microsoft conspiracy theory can be derived from any news item." That's the guiding principle behind Linux Fortnight News' latest competition allowing participants to submit detailed Microsoft conspiracy theories. Prizes, including an all-expense paid "vacation" to Redmond, Washington, will be awarded to the authors of the best theories. The conspiracy theories will be judged on such criteria as complexity, originality, plausibility, and amount of supporting "evidence".

Slashdot Baiting Competition

MoneyDot Lucrative Marketing International Group, Inc., the company that produces the "Slashdot Baiting Kit", is sponsoring a contest to publicize its product. The first contestant to have his site mentioned on Slashdot after the contest officially launches will win. (Note: Contestants who bribe CmdrTaco by sending a "hardware donation" or contestants who conspire to split the prize money with CmdrTaco or another Slashdot contributor will be disqualified.)

Name That Source Code!

Caldera is sponsoring a game-show style contest at the upcoming Linux Expo to promote the latest version of their Linux distribution. In a similar format to the old "Name That Tune!" game show, contestants will be presented a short segment of source code and asked to identify the program that it comes from.

For those interesting in participating, Caldera has posted several sample segments of code (along with answers) on its website. One Humorix spy noticed that a few "red herrings" are thrown in, presumably to make things more challenging. For instance, can you identify this snippet of source code?

void BusyLoop()  
/* Do nothing loop to kill CPU cycles; added at the 
   request of Intel */
{
 SubliminalMessage( "Upgrade your hardware!" );     
 for( int i = 0; i < BIG_INT; i++ )
  for( int j = 0; j < BIG_INT; j++ )
   for( int k = 0; k < BIG_INT; k++ )   
    for( int l = 0; l < BIG_INT; l++ )
     if( STACK_SPACE_PERCENTAGE_FREE > .05 )
     /* There's plenty of stack space left -- let's 
        eat up some more CPU cycles, recursively! */
      BusyLoop();  
}

While you would have plenty of reasons to answer "It's from Windows 95", it actually isn't. If this was a snippet from the actual Windows source code, you can be rest assured that Microsoft's IP Police would have descended on Humorix World Headquarters in a fleet of black helicopters long before we had the chance to publish this article. [Editor's Note: Hmmm... this sounds like the beginnings of a Microsoft conspiracy theory...]

Made You Say "Linux"!

The GNU Project is also sponsoring a competition at Linux Expo. In front of an audience, several contestants will attempt to trick their opponents into saying "Linux" without the obligatory "GNU/" prefix (according to Richard M. Stallman, at least, who will be hosting the competition). The winner will receive a large poster with the text "no gifs due to patent problems" autographed by RMS.

I Got Your Virtual Property Right Here!

Column written by Jon Splatz on May 8, 1999

Recently there's been a lot of commotion about "virtual property", which has been described as a new, revolutionary phenomenon to hit the Internet. Contrary to what you might have read over at Slashdot, "virtual property" is not a new, revolutionary concept. It's just a fancy buzzword to describe a common, every day occurrence. I should know; I'm a bona fide piece of "virtual property". I'm currently up for auction at eBay.

I've put my pundit and social commentary services up for bid at eBay. The winning bidder of this piece of "virtual property" will recieve my expert services as a pundit for six months. I've only received one US$100 bid (a sympathy bid from James Baughn), but I expect that by the time my auction closes in six days, the bidding will surpass my low reserve of US$100,000.

Buying and selling online assets is not something that has only sprung up recently on eBay; it's been around since the dawn of computing. For instance, I've heard from a reliable source that, back in 1994, a man named Bob made a deal with Bill Gates involving "virtual property". In exchange for an undisclosed amount of money, Gates agreed to name an upcoming Microsoft program after him.

More recently, Red Hat announced a plan where venture capitalists and businesses that invest in the company will receive a complementary piece of virtual property based on the amount they invest. Details are sketchy, but I know that "Gold" investors will receive an exclusive right to submit the code-name for an upcoming Red Hat Linux release. For instance, RH 5.9, code-named "Starbuck", was named by a VC who happens to own a considerable stake in Starbucks, Inc. Red Hat 6.1 will be named "BunnyPeople", a reference to Intel, a significant investor in the company.

In addition, an unconfirmed rumor is floating around that a multi-billion dollar piece of hot cyberproperty will be up for grabs in the near future. I heard this rumor from a top-secret organization based in... oh, wait, I'm not supposed to talk about that... I've said too much already. Forget you read that last sentence. There is no top-secret organization based in Finland plotting world domination. There is no conspiracy.

According to the rumor, eBay plans to auction itself off via an eBay auction. Apparently the eBay executives, many of which have become multi-multi-millionaires from stock options, are wanting to hand over control of the company to someone else so they can retire. The traditional way to sell off a company is to make deals with potential buyers in a smoke-filled room. The eBay honchos, however, wanting to demonstrate the power of eBay's services, plan to auction off the company to the highest bidder using an eBay auction.

Yahoo, Microsoft, Transmeta, and AOL seem to be the most likely bidders. I can just imagine corporate executives from Microsoft hitting the reload button in their browser (IE, of course) every few seconds to see if a rival company has outbid them. "Dammit! Those yahoos over at Yahoo just outbid us! I'll fix that..." the Microsoft Vice President of Rival Acquisitions would yell as he trumps the Yahoo bid by a cool billion or so (mere pocket change to him).

The meta-eBay auction is an extreme example of virtual property, but it isn't a harbinger of a major revolution in the economy, nor is it a paradigm shift in the way business or life is conducted. It's not that big a deal. Going to the local Claw-Mart Superstore and buying a six-pack is not any different than buying the rights to a domain name or an Ultima Online character.

You just can't believe everything you read over at Slashdot.

Write me at jonsplatz [at] i-want-a-website [dot] com.

[Addendum: James Baughn asked me to mention that he is interested in selling two pieces of his own "virtual property". He said that he might be willing to sell his i-want-a-website.com domain and his vintage #285 Slashdot account if somebody would present him with a dollar amount that, as he said, "contained a whole bunch of zeros".]

BSOD Simulator

Fake News written by James Baughn on May 4, 1999

Users of Red Hat 6.0 are discovering a new feature that hasn't been widely advertised: a Blue Screen of Death simulator. By default, the bsodsim program activates when the user hits the virtually unused SysRq key (this is customizable), causing the system to switch to a character cell console to display a ficticious Blue Screen.

Red Hat hails the bsodsim program as the "boss key" for the Linux world. "Many old DOS games had a boss key, which caused the program to switch to a DOS shell or a benign looking screenshot when the boss walked by," a Red Hat engineer explained. "This allowed unscrupulous workers to play games without the knowledge of the PHB. With multitasking, this isn't necessary anymore."

He continued, "However, a new 'boss problem' has emerged. Workers are smuggling Linux boxes into companies that exclusively use Windows. This is all good and well until the PHB walks by and comments, 'That doesn't look like Windows...' With bsodsim, that problem is solved. The worker can hit the emergency SysRq key, and the system will behave just like Windows..."

The bsodsim program doesn't stop at just showing a simulated error message. If the boss doesn't walk away, the worker can continue the illusion by hitting CTRL-ALT-DEL, which causes a simulated reboot. After showing the usual boot messages, bsodsim will run a simulated SCANDISK program indefinitely. The boss won't be able to tell the difference. If the boss continues to hang around, the worker can say, "SCANDISK is really taking a long time... maybe we should upgrade our computers. And don't you have something better to do than watch this computer reboot for the tenth time today?"

Red Hat 6.0 also includes a 'Flying Windows' screensaver for use with X Windows. If the boss happens to walk by your computer when you're away, he still won't be able to tell that it's not running Windows.

Follow-Up: Open Source Action Figures

Fake News written by Tony Smolar on May 3, 1999

In March, Humorix reported that Apple had filed a lawsuit against McDonalds, claiming that the new McLinux distribution was bound to cause confusion with Apple's MkLinux project. Earlier today both companies announced that the lawsuit has been settled out of court. According to the terms of the settlement, McDonalds will include a Steve Jobs action figure in some of the McLinux Happy Meals.

A high-ranking McDonalds official contacted Humorix about this situation; what follows is a brief interview:

Humorix: So it's true that you are going to be giving away a Steve Jobs action figure with McLinux?

Grimace: Only with the happy meals, but yes, Steve Jobs is one of four action figures, the others are Tux Penguin, Linus Torvalds, and Richard Stallman.

H: But isn't the Jobs figure out of place there?

G: No, not at all, in fact the Jobs figure came along at the right time. Our original plans called for Eric S. Raymond, dressed in an Obi-wan Kenobi outfit, to be the fourth figure. However, we got a nasty letter from the lawyers at Lucasfilm, so we dropped ESR and desperately seached for something to take his place. In a sense, this is an interim action figure.

Besides, the Steve Jobs figure will hopefully give us leverage when we are negotiating rights to the next Pixar flick. Burger King won't get this one! (sneer)

H: Lucasfilm threatened to sue you?

G: Well, not exactly. The letter they sent only contained the word "ahem", but we thought the message was clear.

H: Back to the Jobs figure, don't you think there is something wrong with the way Steve Jobs forced his way into a figure?

G: He's not the only one. When we were planning this distribution, Richard Stallman showed up at our offices and demanded that we call it McGNU/Linux. So we began to test market it under that name. It did very poorly as McGNU/Linux, and through customer feedback, we discovered that the customers thought that GNU was referring to the meat used in McGNU/Linux. We told RMS that we had to drop the name, but he persisted in his demands. We finally offered him an action figure in lieu of McGNU/Linux, and he accepted. Actually the RMS figure has become my favorite. If you push a button on the back, it sings a song known as "the free software song".

H: Do any of the other action figures do anything special?

G: The Linus figure holds his security blankey and sucks his thumb. The Tux one sits there and does nothing, just like the logo. Steve Jobs is in the studio recording his own free software song for his figure as we speak. It will be called "The APSL song."

H: Thank you very much!

[Editor's Note: Just as this article went to press, we received word that McDonalds had considered (and rejected) a fifth action figure, Al Gore. According to our anonymous source, the Al Gore figure was to sing "a gospel song". We're not entirely sure what that means, but it may have some connection to the new Al Gore Open Source Public License (AGOSPL) that recently appeared on his website.]