Humorix IPO Wildly Successful!

Fake News written by James Baughn on July 30, 1999

NEW YORK, NY -- Wall Street has responded very well to Humorix's initial public stock offering. Our stock, FAUX, began trading at 10:12AM (Eastern) this morning on the NASDAQ exchange at $10 per share. By the end of the trading day the stock had surged to 55 ⁹/₁₆. Some bold Wall Street analysts are calling our stock offering "the most successful IPO of a humor website in the history of NASDAQ!"

For a brief time around 2:15PM the stock price was at an unbelievable 125 ⁷/₈. It prompty fell after Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said, "I don't know what the hell Humorix is, but its stock is showing disturbing signs of irrational exuberance." Ironically, most other tech stocks plummeted during the day, sending the NASDAQ down 5.12%. Some analysts are speculating that many investors dumped all of their tech stocks in order to purchase vast quantities of hot Humorix stock.

Needless to say, the Humorix staff is quite jubilant about the success of the IPO. Jon Splatz went and bought a new car, not realizing until later that he can't cash in his FAUX shares for six months. Other Humorix staffers are currently holding a huge party and will probably be plastered through next week.

Not everybody is happy about the IPO, however, especially those who didn't participate. Jason McDuff, one of the people who received our special invitation letter to purchase 200 shares of FAUX stock via E*Raid.com, has sent in a bomb threat.

He said in the threat, "The letter I received was nothing more than a bait-and-switch scam and spam. I opened an E*Raid account, wired $2,000 to it, and signed up for the IPO using the code number given in my 'special invitation'. I was refused! E*Raid said I had to have a net worth of $1 million to participate in a 'high-risk' IPO. Bullshit. It was all a scam to get me to open an account. Humorix should be called Scamorix. You people make me sick, and unless you give in to my demands, I'll blow up Humorix World Headquarters!"

The FBI is tracking down Jason McDuff, but they haven't had much luck so far. One FBI agent said, "If we could monitor non-military public computer networks we could find and arrest this would-be domestic terrorist. Write your Congressman! We need the ability to spy on network transmissions! Civilian use of encryption should be illegal!" When we told the investigator that the bomb threat was sent to us via snail mail, he responded, "So then we need to monitor first-class mail! Write your Congressman! The FBI should be able to open up mail at random so we can fight terrorism and crime and protect the children!"

We don't have much faith that law enforcement will catch the McDuff. If his threats continue we'll just send him the $15,000 he demands. $15K is, after all, a drop in the bucket compared to the vast fortune we've just acquired. Not that we're bragging or anything.

All of the capital raised in the IPO will be used to offer new services and features at the Humorix PORTAL website. Some of the new features we are launching include:

Humorix Contest '99

As a promotional gimmick we are holding a contest with such prizes as:

• a lifetime @i-want-a-website.com email alias
• a guided tour of Humorix World Headquarters
• an original copy of three never-published Humorix articles.
• a $19.95 credit at Humorix's new E-Commerce Shop.

To enter, send an email containing your name, email address, postal address, Social Security Number or equivalent, birthday, shoe size, bank account number, fast food preference, ISP password, and PGP private key. Winners will be picked at random from the entries that we receive.

HumorXChange

HumorXChange is an innovative system allowing people to produce humor material in exchange for cold, hard cash*. Humor patrons will offer bounties to humorists who create a desired piece of humor material (a fake news article poking fun at ESR, a "Microsoft Acquires..." joke, a Jon Katz parody, etc.). This "Open Humor" exchange system is similar to projects like CoSource and SourceXChange.

Watch next week for a press release containing more details about this exciting new program and information about signing up to beta-test the system.

* Note: When we say "cold, hard cash", we mean "credits to buy Humorix merchandise".

PortalMaker 1.0

The Humorix Software Development Labs has created PortalMaker(tm), a set of Perl scripts that can help you create your own Linux portal website in under 10 minutes. Armed with PortalMaker(tm) and Humorix's Linux Portal Mini-HOWTO, you can effortlessly establish your own portal and instantly become wealthy*.

The Regular Version is available for US$19.95 from Humorix's new E-commerce site. The Deluxe Version, which includes documentation, is available for the trivial cost of only US$39.95.

* Note: The PortalMaker End User License Agreement prohibits you from using the software to create a portal website that could potentially compete with Humorix in any way.

Humorix Community

We have plans to offer several free community enriching features at our portal website, including:

• Free web-based email and URL redirection at your choice of domains: linuxzealot.org, linuxlonghair.org, linuxfreak.org, flamingzealot.org, bill-gates-is-satan.org, invest-in-FAUX.com, portal-portal-portal.com, tanstaafl.org, or i-hate-winmodems.org.

• Free instant messenger software and service via Humorix's new proprietary InstaHumorix(tm) protocol.

• Free access to our NNTP server which features such newsgroups as slashdot.addiction.twelve.steps, bob-metcalfe.sucks.ether, humorix.rocks, humorix.stock.investment.tips, kde-vs-gnome.flame.flame.flame, and penguin.mating.habits.

• Free "Flame Your Congressman" feature allowing you to speak out against the latest bonehead bill that's been discussed on Slashdot.

• Free online auctions where you can buy or sell domain names, low-numbered Slashdot accounts, overpriced shrinkwrapped Red Hat products, "Honk If You Hate Microsoft" bumper stickers, and other merchandise.

Keep your eyes peeled for more Humorix PORTAL features that will be announced in the coming weeks. And don't forget to invest in our stock!

The Slashdot Conspiracy!

Fake News written by humorix.pl on July 29, 1999

[Editor's Note: An anonymous member of our Vast Spy Network(tm) sent us this exclusive report alleging that Slashdot® is actually an elaborate conspiracy sponsored by Lucasfilms® and the ultra-secret WORLD(tm) Organization (WORLD Organizes Rapid Linux Domination).]

Subject: URGENT: Slashdot Conspiracy Uncovered!!!!
From: Vast Spy Network(tm) Operative #412A-9X
To: Humorix World Headquarters: Espionage & Mind Control Division
Date: July 28, 1999
X-Transport-Protocol: RFC 1149
X-Transmeta: This report contains no typso.

P.P.S. I've heard that Humorix is about to have an IPO. Do members of the Vast Spy Network(tm) get stock options? Use of initialized value in line 2614 of humorix.pl.

Microsoft Announces Open Source for Windows 2000

Fake News written by John Elfrink on July 26, 1999

The computer world was stunned today with the announcement that software giant Microsoft will open its source code for Windows 2000 when the product hits the stores in 2002.

"It's totally unreal," one user commented. "It's like the Berlin wall coming down 10 years back. People kept saying over and over that it would never happen. Then one day right out of the blue the impossible comes true."

Users thrilled by this news should be warned. Although the source code will be available completely free of charge, there are several limitations that Microsoft has placed on the project. Probably most importantly is the fact that the source code will be available in printed form only.

"We have considered many options," a spokesman for Microsoft said today, "and at this time having a printed copy of the source code makes the most sense. And we are proud to be able to offer this option to our many dedicated users."

The amount of paper needed to print the entire source code comes in at slightly more than 30 tons. Microsoft has admitted that this may put the open source code beyond the reach of most developers. Shipping and handling cost alone comes in at $475 as three tractor-trailers are needed in order to deliver the printed work.

It was also noted that the shipping form requires a registration number to be filled in. When asked if the source code can actually be called open if only registered windows users can get it, the spokesman for Microsoft noted that it was an unfortunate necessity. "Software piracy is everyone's problem," he said, "and this is our way of helping the industry control it."

It was also pointed out that the shipping form requires people to fill out 17 pages of personal likes and dislikes. It is suspected that Microsoft may take this information and sell advertisers the names and addresses of everyone filling out the shipping form. Microsoft offered little comment on this rumor, except for one anonymous spokesperson who said, "The demographic data is for customer support purposes."

Some people suspect Microsoft of trickery, especially in light of last month's court case in which Microsoft tried to claim that it holds the trademark on the term "Open Source". The case was tossed out because Microsoft does not offer any "Open Source" software and therefore cannot claim rights to the term. Today's announcement comes one day before an appeal on the trademark issue is heard. According to Microsoft the timing is "purely coincidental".

Humorix IPO Delayed

Fake News written by James Baughn on July 26, 1999

Humorix's IPO suffered a minor setback yesterday when a group of bureaucrats from the Securities and Exchange Commission visited Humorix World Headquarters and spoiled our First Anniversary party. The SEC has found "irregularities" in our prospectus, causing the IPO to be delayed until July 30th.

Miles Clinton, one of the SEC representatives, enumerated some of the "irregularities" contained in our S-1 filing:

• We failed to cross five T's and dot two I's.

• Section 13, Sub-Section 'C', Sub-Sub-Section 3, Paragraph 2, Sentence 4 contains a typo. "Domenation" is mispelled in the sentence "We plan to use the IPO proceeds to fund our plans for World Domenation..."

• Our claim that the Humorix PORTAL Web site "has received a 512% increase in traffic over the last ten months" is wrong according to the SEC. One bureaucrat said, "That statistic is meaningless since, at the time, Humorix had only been online for 10 months." He added, "We could claim that the number of trees killed to produce SEC paperwork has increased by 1,044,619% over the last 200 years, but such a statement is also meaningless and wrong."

• In the statement "We plan to issue US$129.95 worth of common stock..." we accidentally left out the word "million" after the dollar amount.

• The "Expenses" section under the heading "Summary Financial Data" fails to include several items including "Electricity", "Air Conditioning for Humorix World Headquarters", "Internet Access & Telco Monopoly Charges", "Slashdot Addict Support Group Donations", and "Beer & Snack Foods Supply". As a result, Humorix's actual net loss is US$10,253.62.

• We forgot to mention that the term Big Evil Company® is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corporation. Moreover, we failed to state that Microsoft® is also a registered trademark of Microsoft Corporation. In addition, we omitted the disclaimer that the phrase Fair Use Doctrine® is a registered trademark of the United States Patent & Trademark Office.

• The NASDAQ ticker symbol that we applied for, FAKE, has already been taken by another low-budget humor portal. After considering other options like HMRX, DUH, BSOD, and SEGV, we've finally decided to use the symbol FAUX.

The SEC has given us the green light to hold our IPO as soon as we re-file our prospectus with the requisite changes. Our current schedule to hold the IPO on July 30th will give us plenty of time to execute our Humorix IPO Astroturf Plan.

Even with SEC approval, not everybody is happy about the Humorix IPO. One Wall Street Journal columnist wrote last week, "A low-budget Linux humor website is holding a million-dollar IPO? This must be some kind of hoax... I checked government records... there is no such corporation as Humorix World Domination, Inc. There is no Vast Spy Network(tm) or fleet of Humorix Spy Satellites. Humorix World Headquarters, as far as I can tell, is a small outhouse in the Ozarks. This is obviously a hoax."

Nevertheless, both regular Humorix visitors are enthusiastic about the IPO. They have received special invitations from E*Raid Securities to participate in the IPO at the opening price ($10). One said, "Hopefully I'll make enough money to afford a new shrinkwrapped copy of Red Hat Linux 6.0..."

One Year of Humorix

Feature written by James Baughn on July 25, 1999

It may seem hard to believe, but this Linux humor website has been online for a full 365 days. That's 8760 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds. 154 Microsoft acquisitions. 323 Internet Explorer exploits. 150,323 first posts on Slashdot. To mark this achievement, the Humorix staff has compiled a brief history of the Humorix Era.

July 25, 1998 (2:43 PM Central)

The very first Humorix article is published.

July 25, 1998 (3:58 PM Central)

A spam message advertising "SOFTWARE TO ELIMINATE ALL SPAM" is received in our newly created humorix@i-want-a-website.com address.

July 25, 1998 (4:12 PM Central)

We receive the first flame email from an irate reader complaining that our "Red Neck Linux" article is "offensive".

July 25, 1998 (5:10 PM Pacific)

Our newly organized Vast Spy Network(tm) reports that a lackey in Microsoft's legal department has already discovered the Humorix site and has sent a memo to her superiors about the possibility of naming us in a libel lawsuit.

August 14, 1998 (10:12 AM Central)

Humorix is hit with the dreaded Slashdot Effect in connection with our speculation that Microsoft might acquire Slashdot. As a result, our website hosting service suffers several thousands dollars worth of damage.

October 10, 1998 (11:39 PM Eastern)

Several underage drinkers are ticketed in Cape Cod, Massachusetts after they got drunk playing the Linux Drinking Game.

October 29, 1998 (4:12 AM Central)

We receive an email message in response to our article Could You Get Fired for Visiting Slashdot? It says, "...In my case, the opposite is true... you should ask 'Could You Get Hired for Visiting Slashdot?' I got my job at Proactive Synergy Paradigm, Inc. because I happened to mention Slashdot during a job interview. In fact, it was the only reason I was hired: I flubbed the interview horribly, but when I mentioned towards the end that I was a Slashdot addict, the interviewer said, 'You're hired!'..."

November 12, 1998 (1:15 PM Alaskan)

A phone call from the folks at CBS denies the rumors that Linus Torvalds is scheduled to appear on The Late Show. The caller casually mentions, "The show's writers like your 'Top Ten Changes If Linus Torvalds Achieves World Domination' idea. We might use a similar list on a show next week..."

The following Tuesday the Late Show featured this "similar" Top Ten List:

Top Ten Changes If Bill Gates Achieves World Domination

10. Instead of currency, all global wealth is measured in Microsoft stock shares.
9. New York is renamed to New Gates City, Los Angeles becomes Los Gatos, St. Louis is changed to St. Gates...
8. An illegal operation has occured in module TOPTEN~1.EXE. The program will be shut down...

December 5, 1998 (10:10 PM Central)

We receive a note from a Linux kernel hacker dismissing our speculation that /dev/null could erupt into a massive black hole as a result of all the bits sent to it over the last 30 years. "There's no cause for concern," he writes, "All bits sent to /dev/null are recycled back into the real world via /dev/urandom."

February 3, 1999 (4:14 PM Pacific)

Several dozen readers believe that our Slashdot Baiting Kit article is real, prompting them to call the ficticious 1-877-SLSH-DOT phone number. As it turns out, that number is owned by a law firm in Spokane, Washington called Slasher, Dot & Associates. Mike Slasher called to inform us that his business picked up considerably as a result of our fake article. Could this be the first documented case of the Humorix Effect?

March 3, 1999 (1:15 AM Siberian)

We publish a press release proclaiming that the Humorix website is officially a "portal". Within minutes a horde of Venture Capitalists line up outside of Humorix World Headquarters demanding to know more about our business plan.

P.S. When they realized that Humorix has no business plan, we were finally able to convince them not to give us any money.

April 2, 1999 (9:25 AM Pacific)

The producers of several anti-virus programs release patches to detect the presence of the Tuxissa Virus that Humorix made up reported the week before.

April 2, 1999 (10:01 AM Central)

We receive word from one Linux advocate who said, "After I heard about the Tuxissa Virus, I had a brainstorm. I installed Linux on my wife's computer (replacing Windows), and when she asked what the hell was going on, I said with a straight-face, 'You've been hit with the Tuxissa Virus'. World Domination is one person closer..."

May 10, 1999 (12:12 AM Central)

In the article I Got Your Virtual Property Right Here!, James Baughn offers to sell his vintage #285 Slashdot account to the person who presents him a dollar figure containing "a whole bunch of zeros". He receives a bid for US$0.00000000000000000000000.

May 10, 1999 (4:12 PM Central)

A bid for US$1.0 x 10^-114 is received. (The buyer stipulates that the final price will be rounded down to the nearest cent).

May 11, 1999 (10:43 AM Central)

A bid containing more zeros than electrons in the known universe is received. While this bid certainly tops all previous offers, James Baughn replies in a brief email, "I've changed my mind."

May 13, 1999 (1:55 AM Australian)

After publishing an article uncovering Australia's sinister plot to ban Linux, both alert Humorix regulars sent word that the Humorix website is no longer accessible in Australia.

May 24, 1999 (2:21 PM Central)

A representative for IDG Publishing calls and makes an offer to produce a "Portals for Dummies" book based on our Linux Portal Mini-HOWTO. We decline the offer.

May 26, 1999 (5:51 PM Greenwich)

The professor of CNT 136 at Centralia College announces that all students that visit the Humorix website will receive extra credit.

July 9, 1999 (1:34 PM Central)

The founder of the BloatX Project sent us an email containing some corrections to our article Bloatware Comes To Linux. The name of the new Linux distro is actually BlooooooooooooooaatX. The final version will come on 24 CD-ROMs, not 20, and it will occupy a total of 20.2 Gb.

July 25, 1999 (10:29 PM Central)

The Humorix staff publishes a brief history of Humorix as a lame filler.

Ask Humorix: Tell Me the Future

Feature written by James Baughn on July 13, 1999

Anonymous Coward wants to know, "Recently there's been a lot of speculation about the future of Linux: will it achieve world domination, will it be squashed like a bug under the Microsoft marketing machine, or will it lose its soul to corporate interests and then flounder miserably? What kind of future do you predict for Linux, open source software, and the nerd community in general?"

Unfortunately, the Humorix Oracle is currently on vacation in some alternate dimension. In his absense, the Humorix staff decided to organize a panel discussion consisting of fortune tellers with Linux experience. The following people made the trip to Humorix World Headquarters to participate in our informal panel discussion:

• Starla Jones, owner of the Main Street Mysticism Temple in Keokuk, WI

• Bob Grimaldi, fortune teller who successfully ported Linux to run on his crystal ball

• Madam Cosmos, founder of the 1-900-SIGH-KIK soothsaying service

• Jon Splatz, Humorix's pundit and social commentator.

A condensed transcript of the event is attached below.

Moderator: Well, I suppose we should start off with the father of the free software movement, Richard M. Stallman. What do you all think the future holds for him?

Starla Jones: Stallman's radical views about software will further alienate him from the rest of the community he helped to create. He will slowly lose his mind as other leaders gang up against him. There's going to be quite a bit of tension surrounding RMS, especially at upcoming Linux conventions...

Bob Grimaldi: Indeed. At the next Atlanta Linux Showcase, RMS will get worked up about a clueless reporter who said "Linux" instead of "GNU/Linux". The whole convention hall will get eerily quiet as RMS starts into one of his lectures about freedom and the evils of proprietary software. Tim O'Reilly and Eric Raymond, acting like parents upset that their child is throwing a tantrum in public, will sneak up behind RMS, shove him into a handy Oriental rug, and dump him outside. "Crazy Uncle Stallman" will literally be swept under the rug.

Madam Cosmos: What kind of stupid prediction is that? Microsoft Bob could foretell the future better than that. Your crystal ball must be running Windows 98...

Bob Grimaldi: Hey! My crystal ball is running Red Hat 6.0!

Madam Cosmos: I predict a promising future for RMS. The Vatican Church will upgrade its computer systems to "morally pure" GNU software, saving a vast amount of money in the process. As a result, the Pope will canonize RMS as the "Saint of Free Software". As such, "Crazy Uncle Stallman" will become "Respected Saint Stallman".

Jon Splatz: I haven't heard a single prognostication that sounds half-way reasonable.

Moderator: Enough! Let's move on to something else, Slashdot. What's in store for everyone's favorite geek watering hole?

Jon Splatz: Everyone's favorite? Yeah, right. Slashdot is getting too big; it won't be able to cope. I expect a "site fork" within the coming months, with a group of disgruntled ex-Dotheads forming a renegade "News for Real Nerds" site. Maybe they'll call it Alterdot, or Crashdot, or SlashDONT.

Madam Cosmos: I see a similar future. People will start to think of Slashdot as the Microsoft of the geek community; it's an oversized monopoly that dominates the entire "News for Nerds" market. The site crashes a lot, just like Windows. Its underlying HTML is bloated and not-quite-standard, just like Windows.

An "Anything But Slashdot" campaign will mount, and alternative geek news sites will form, all with GPL'd content preventing another evil Slashdot Monopoly from forming...

Bob Grimaldi: Hey, Madam Cosmos, if that is your real name, why are you so anti-Slashdot? Based on your "prediction", it almost seems like you want Slashdot to fail. I think you're the one with the broken crystal ball.

No, I see a rosy future in store for Slashdot and Taco Boy. Slashdot will set the de facto standard in "new media" websites, with Rob Malda giving seminars worldwide about online journalism. In addition, thanks to an unprecedented write-in campaign led by a group of Dotheads, Paramount will cast Rob Malda as Wesley Crusher in the new Star Trek movie "The Rednecks Generation".

Starla Jones: Wait a minute, I don't think so. Slashdot can't retain its non-profit roots forever; eventually the Suits are going to come in and turn it into yet another portal website. I foresee Slashdot being sold to a media company Real Soon Now, probably Ziff-Davis or Andover News...

Moderator: Uh... Slashdot was sold to Andover News a couple of weeks ago.

Starla Jones: Oh. Well, I've been on vacation, so you can't blame me for not following everything. Still, this just shows that I have the psychic ability to forecast the future and the past. I predicted something that already happened, right? Isn't that worth something?

Moderator: Moving on... What about Linux? Will it achieve World Domination?

(Madam Cosmos starts humming the theme to the "Pinky and the Brain" cartoon.)

Starla Jones: Two words... Microsoft Linux.

Bob Grimaldi: I'm not entirely convinced that Microsoft will pull an "embrace-and-smother" strategy on Open Source, but it would fit their profile. From what I've heard, Bill Gates' personal mantra is:

"If it moves, crush it. If it keeps moving, acquire it. If it stops moving, claim victory and focus on something else."

Madam Cosmos: Enough with the Microsoft bashing. I think Linux will achieve World Domination... or at least World Acceptance.

Bob Grimaldi: I agree; I don't see how Linux could fail. I think the next big innovation for Linux will be automatic software updates via TV airwaves...

Jon Splatz: Huh?

Bob Grimaldi: Let me finish! There's plenty of extra bandwidth available on over-the-air TV broadcasts. Instead of going off the air overnight, PBS stations could broadcast the contents of an entire Red Hat 6.0 distro. Computers equipped with TV-to-ASCII expansion boards could decode the broadcast, and burn the resulting data onto a CD-ROM. Then people with little or no decent Net access could obtain Linux without shelling out US$80 for shrink-wrapped Red Hat.

Jon Splatz: That's insane! What next? A free copy of Red Hat included in selected boxes of Cocoa-Bombs(tm) cereal? A free copy of SuSE included with selected cases of imported German beer? This is ludicrous.

Madam Cosmos: Don't dismiss Bob's idea. There's nothing worthwhile on network TV anyways, so if it's possible to broadcast Linux to the masses, then it's a good idea. Some nerd will figure out how, don't worry about that.

Starla Jones: But what about Microsoft? If this software-by-air scheme is technologically possible, you can bet Microsoft has already acquired a company that's developed the tools to do it. I can see the ads now: "Watch the SeeBS Evening News With Dan Blather with your MS ActiveTV(tm) set and you'll automatically receive the latest copy of Internet Explorer 7 for free!"

Bob Grimaldi: You know, I hadn't thought about that. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it.

Jon Splatz: I have a better prediction for Linux: the formation of a worldwide "Geek Disunion". Geeks will band together into a decentralized, non-hierarchal organization to promote Geek Interests(tm), one which is the adoption of Open Source Software. Linux advocacy will turn into a wide-scale revolution against Software That Sucks (read: Windows).

Madam Cosmos: As I recall, there was a horribly outcry against Geek Unions recently on Slashdot. Considering the flare of emotions, it should be illegal to yell "union!" in a crowded Slashdot discussion thread.

Jon Splatz: I'm not talking about traditional labor unions led by corrupt fatcats who make secret deals in smoke-filled rooms. I'm talking about an extension of the Open Source community by geeks for geeks to solve geek problems.

Got problems getting a date? The Geek Disunion can help. Got a problem with a Human Resource weasel who insists on Word format resumes only? The Geek Disunion can help. Got a problem with your neighorhood telco monopoly that refuses to offer broad-band Net access? The Geek Disuion can help. Got a local yokel state representative who wants to force people to obtain licenses before they can access the Net? The Geek Disunion can help.

With such an organization, Linux couldn't fail. Businesses would be afraid to "upgrade" to Windows NT/2000 because their best geeks would call in sick or quit.

Bob Grimaldi: In your dreams. That's a stupid idea.

Moderator: Next topic... Linux stocks. What will happen to Open Source as it comes face-to-face with Wall Street?

Starla Jones: Well, Open Source is a proven development model that produces quality software. Linux is the media darling right now, and everybody is talking about Open Source.

For those reasons, I expect Open Source stocks to fail miserably.

Madam Cosmos: Huh?

Starla Jones: If the past couple of years are any indication, Wall Street has an infatuation with companies that don't have a realistic chance of earning a profit. eBay? Amazon? TheGlobe.com? Get real. Wall Street hates sensible stocks. Red Hat, VA Linux, Cygnus, and SuSE are all sensible stocks -- which means they'll be passed up in favor of some other mediocre company that's operated out of some guy's basement and has no business model...

Moderator: Like Humorix? The IPO is coming up on July 26th, NASDAQ ticker symbol FAKE...

Jon Splatz: Indeed. I expect Humorix's stock to enter the stratosphere.

Bob Grimaldi: Wait a minute! Doesn't the SEC have regulations that prohibit employees of an IPO-bound company from speaking about the stock?

Jon Splatz: SEC, shmec. Who cares? I predict Humorix will have one of the most successful IPOs in the history of Wall Street. It will, after all, be the first IPO of a Linux-related company. The fact that I'm entitled to stock options does not in any way bias my prediction.

Bob Grimaldi: Yeah, right. The only thing I'm going to invest in is an upgraded crystal ball.

Moderator: Let's wrap this discussion up: What about Redmond? What's in store for Microsoft?

Starla Jones: Tourism. That's right, in the coming years Microsoft and the local Chamber of Commerce will attempt to turn Redmond into the "Vacation Capitol of East-Central Washington State".

Jon Splatz: What kinds of tourist attractions are they going to offer? A skyscraper that holds the world record for the most number of windows? A modern art sculpture of Bill Gates made entirely out of discarded Microsoft CD-ROMs?

Starla Jones: No, no, no! Think Disneyland, but with Mickey Mouse replaced by Clippit the Dancing Paper Clip. I foresee Microsoft constructing an "Innovation World" theme park near Redmond.

They'll be a "Blue Screen of Death" rollercoaster that crashes in the middle of the ride, leaving passengers upside down for a few seconds. They'll be a "Kangaroo Court" live action drama that depicts the DOJ antitrust trial (obviously biased in favor of Microsoft). They'll be parades featuring Clippit, the Internet Explorer "e" logo, the ActiMates Barney Stuffed Dinosaur, and other "lovable" Microsoft characters that will travel through the park on a boulevard called "Microsoft Way"...

Bob Grimaldi: Meanwhile, other localities will try to capitalize on Microsoft. New Mexico will establish a "Birth of a Monopoly State Park" near the original site of Micro-soft's offices in Albuquerque. Historical markers will be erected where Bill Gates was pulled over for speeding during the 70's.

Madam Cosmos: Linux will help tourism, too. Dothan, Alabama will erect a monument at the location of the first known yard sale where a Linux CD was bought. California will erect a sign that says "This historical marker in not here yet" in front of Transmeta's offices. And needless to say, Raleigh-Durham will try to cash in on being the hometown of Red Hat Software.

Jon Splatz: Let's not forget about the Microsoft offices in Foster City, CA where the first Windows Refund protest took place. I'm sure somebody will build a gift shop commemorating the event. "Buy your very own replica Obi-Wan Kenobi costume wore by Eric S. Raymond during the historical Windows Refund protest! Only $49.95!"

Moderator: I think I've heard enough tourism ideas. Any final thoughts before we end this discussion?

Bob Grimaldi: Linux rules.

Starla Jones: Linux rules.

Madam Cosmos: Linux rules.

Jon Splatz: Huh? What was that? I was daydreaming about my upcoming book tour. Oh, and I have a job interview with Wintel Shopper Magazine next week. Can somebody tell me what I missed? Hello? Why is everybody leaving? Come back! Please!

Jargon Coiner 1.0

Feature written by James Baughn on July 12, 1999

Jargon Coiner is an irregular Humorix feature that aims to give you advance warning -- preferably before Tasty Bits from the Technology Front picks it up -- of new jargon that we've just made up. Sit back and enjoy some ficticious jargon that you won't see used anywhere else.

• wincurse
  Loud expletive uttered when a Linux user comes face-to-face with a computer containing a WinModem.

  Example: "Eric wincursed when his mother showed him the new computer she bought from CompUSSR... which contained a WinModem and a WinSoundCard."

• wind'oh! key
  Nickname given to the three useless Windows keys that come on virtually all new keyboards. These keys are often hit by mistake instead of CTRL or ALT, causing the user to shout "D'oh!"

• de-wind'oh!ed keyboard
  1. A new keyboard produced without any wind'oh! keys or a "Enhanced for Windows 95/98" logo. Extremely rare.
  2. A keyboard in which the wind'oh! keys have been physically removed.

• slashdup
  Accidentally posting two or more duplicate comments to Slashdot, usually as the result of hitting ENTER at the wrong time or fumbling with the Preview option.

• You've Got Slogan
  The tendency for reporters to parody the stupid "You've Got Mail" saying when writing about AOL.

  Example: "You've Got Spam", "You've Got Merger" (the headline for an article about the Netscape/AOL Merger From Hell)

• penguinization
  Ongoing trend to slap a picture of Tux Penguin next to anything even remotely related to Linux.

  Example: "Eric penguinized his Linux advocacy homepage."

• idlesurf
  Aimless surfing of the Internet; looking for something interesting to read while killing time. Often involves reloaded the Slashdot homepage every 5 minutes to see if a new article has been posted.

• lilosplaining
  Arduous process of explaining why there's now a LILO boot prompt on the office computer.

  Example: "John had some lilosplainin' to do after his boss turned on the computer and the Windows splash screen didn't appear."

• uptime downer
  Depression that strikes a Linux sysadmin after his uptime is ruined. Can be caused by an extended power outtage, a pet chewing through the power cord, a lightning bolt striking the power line, or an urgent need to reboot into Windows to read a stupid Word document.

• OSTR (off-switch total recall)
  The sudden recollection of something terribly important you need to do online that occurs exactly 0.157 seconds after you've shut down your computer.

• lexicon laziness
  Filling a humor site with a list of fake jargon instead of publishing something more substantive (and funny) that would take more effort to write.

• free lecture
  Attempting to explain the concepts of Linux, Open Source software, free software, and gift cultures to someone who is not familiar with them. Made extra difficult if the explainee has been misled by superficial mainstream news articles about the subject.

  Example: "Eric gave an hour-long free lecture to his mother-in-law after she asked him about this Linux thingamajig she read about in USA Today."

• for(;;)tune loop
  Repeatedly running fortune(6) for cheap entertainment.

  Example: "During a coffee break, Bob became bored and started a for(;;)tune loop. His boss had to issue a SIGTERM to get him to resume working."

• duke of url
  A person who publishes their Netscape bookmark file on their homepage.

• wwwlize (pronounced wuh-wuh-wuh-lize)
  Habit of unconsciously appending www. in front of URLs, even when it's not necessary.

• dubya-dubya-dubya
  Common pronounciation of "double-u double-u double-u" when orally specifying a wwwlized address.

• advoidance
  Hiding a particularly annoying advertising banner by dragging another window over it, or by placing your hand on the monitor to cover it up.

  Example: "Bob advoided any Microsoft banners he came across."

• stop mirage
  Trying to click on an imaginary Stop button on a program's toolbar after doing something you didn't want to. Usually caused as the result of excessive use of Netscape.

• ya-prefix
  Putting "another" or "yet another" in front of a name or tacking "YA" in front of an acronym.

  Example: "We could ya-prefix this article by titling it 'Yet Another Lame List of Fabricated Jargon'."

• TLDography (pronounced till-daw-graffy)
  The study of top leval domains.

  Example: "I asked my friend, a TLDographer, what country .ca stood for, and he responded, 'California, of course'."

• TLDofy (pronounced till-duh-fy)
  Identifying a country by its top level domain.

  Example: "Oh, so you're from .de? Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"

• html lapse
  A period of time when the brain slips into thinking in HTML. "Eric suffered an html lapse when he said to himself, 'You <BLINK>idiot</BLINK>! <B>Olympia</B> is the capitol of <A HREF="http://www.state.wa.us">Washington State</A>, not Redmond! What a <I>stoopid</I> mistake!'"

• not-a-saltine explanation
  The canned response given to someone who misuses the term "hacker" instead of "cracker".

• O'Reilly O'Writing
  Going to a bookstore and copying down notes from an O'Reilly computer book that you can't afford.

• deep write mode
  Similar to "deep hack mode", but applies to people writing editorials or (very rarely) Slashdot comments. We here at Humorix sometimes experience "deep humor mode".

• Editorial War
  Skirmishes between two or more parties carried out via strongly-worded editorials published to sites like Slashdot, Linux Today, etc. ESR and RMS are frequently engaged in this.

• Star Spinoffs
  Applying themes and ideas from "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" to contemporary events.

  Examples: "Let the Source be with you!", "Microsoft is the Evil Empire", "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated by Microsoft".

• Trademarkization(tm)
  Giving a phrase special meaning by appending a trademark symbol to it.

  Examples: "Humorix's Vast Spy Network(tm)", "Think Free Speech, Not Free Beer(tm)", "Real Soon Now(tm)", "Blue Screen of Death(tm)"

• threenym
  Referring to someone by the first letter of their three names. Used by some people (RMS and ESR), but not others (has anybody ever tried to refer to Linus Torvalds as "LBT"?).

• Rhymes With Cynics
  The final answer to any debate about how to pronounce Linux. Of course, "cynics" might not be the best word to associate Linux with...

• domaineering
  Using a service like Netcraft to determine what operating system and webserver a particular domain is running.

• WISL? (Will It Support Linux?)
  The very first thought that springs into a Linux user's mind when a cool new piece of software or hardware is announced.

• JJMD! (Jar Jar Must Die!)
  Meaningless reply given to a question or poll for which you don't have a good answer.

  Example: "Q: When did you stop beating your wife? A: JJMD!"

Slashdot Simulator

Real News posted by James Baughn on July 9, 1999

Inline with our upcoming IPO on July 26th, Humorix has launched a Software Development Lab to produce high-quality humor software for the burgeoning Open Source community. Our first product, Slashdot Simulator 0.1, is now available for your downloading and hacking pleasure.

As the name suggests, Slashdot Simulator (slashsim) is a Perl script that produces a replica of the Slashdot homepage containing fake articles and random SlashBoxes.

What good is it? Besides providing a way to play pranks on your friends, you can use Slashsim to get an Emergency Slashdot Fix in the event that the real Slashdot.org website is offline or inaccessible.

Slashsim is licensed under the GNU General Public License. Our lawyer, Mr. Noah Morals, was working on a special license called the "OpenHumor Public License". However, he is currently in the hospital following a tragic car accident (he slammed into the back of an ambulance he was chasing), and so the license remains unfinished. As a result, we have decided to release Slashsim under the GPL, even though the GNU license is not Y2K-compliant.

Bloatware Comes To Linux

Fake News written by James Baughn on July 7, 1999

Bloat is a feature, not a bug, according to a group of ex-Windows hackers who are creating a new Linux distro called BloatX. Trim, efficient, modular design is something you won't find in BloatX, but you will find plenty of easter eggs, resource-hungry programs, and unnecessary "features".

The new distro is inspired by Andrew "Microserf" Shuman's editorial over at Slate that claims bloat is something consumers demand. Shuman writes, "...it is you, the customer, who demands bloat, forever clamoring for new features. Software companies take your wish lists seriously, and then make them happen. It's like the violence-in-the-media argument: We hate it, but we buy it."

Eric Feston, the founder of the BloatX project, said, "If bloat is what consumers really want, then we're happy to oblige. The fact that Linux is relatively bloat-free might be why it isn't gaining widespread acceptance in the desktop market: Windows users apparently equate software size with quality..."

According to the BloatX press release, the new distro will contain the following bloated features:

• During the boot process, the kernel will display a multi-megabyte animation of Tux Penguin throwing pies at Bill Gates. In addition, the kernel will be pre-compiled with every module enabled by default. Users will not be given the option to recompile the kernel with loadable modules or with disabled features. This fits in with the BloatX slogan, "Modules and bloatware don't mix!"

• Every GPL'd software program will contain a COPYING subdirectory that includes, in addition to the obligatory text of the GNU GPL, the contents of the entire www.gnu.org website. "Most Linux distros already contain duplicate COPYING files, which, at 14Kb a pop, add a certain amount of bloat," explained a BloatX developer. "We plan on pushing the envelope by including the entire GNU website -- all 2.2Mb of it. We've already contacted Mr. Emacs himself, RMS, and he's quite happy about our bloated plans."

• Easter eggs, Easter eggs, Easter eggs! If Microsoft products are any indication, you can't call your software bloated until it has a built-in flight simulator, a pinball game, and a 2.5Mb hi-res .JPG of the development team. "The Linux kernel will contain a new source file, easter.c, that allows for the inclusion of unlimited Easter Eggs launchable by secret command lines," Eric Feston noted.

• BloatX will incorporate work done by the LinTux Project, which Humorix reported on in April. This will include the "Dancing Penguin" assistant that permanently resides in the X root window. "Heck, if Microsoft can get away with a Dancing Paper Clip in Office," said a BloatX hacker, "then we should have no problem with Dancing Tux. Long live bloatware!"

• All included software will be produced with a special "bloatware-enhanced" C compiler that includes full debugging information and doesn't perform any optimizations whatsoever. And you can forget about shared libraries; all binaries will include everything (even a 120Kb .GIF image of a kitchen sink!). For instance, the BloatX fortune(6) binary is well over 500Mb alone, not including 14Mb worth of fortune data files.

• The installation routine will have only two options: "Install Everything" or "Install Everything And Then Some!" Selection of individual programs and features won't be permitted; everything on all 20 CD-ROMs will be copied to the hard drive. "This is one distro we don't recommend downloading over the Net," joked one BloatXer. "With the abundance of super-capacity hard drives, we don't think the minimal disk space required, 15.2Gb, will be much of a problem."

An initial 0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.1pre-1a release (even the version number is bloated!) should be available within the next two months. A project website is under construction; it will be available as soon as an HTML editor is found that can produce webpages even more bloated than Microsoft FrontPage.

Don't let the enthusiasm of the BloatX developers fool you, however. Not everybody is happy about the new distro. "Whatever it is these people are smoking," one Slashdot Anonymous Coward said for the fifth time this week, "I want some!"

One kernel hacker told Humorix, "This is insane. If bloat is such a good thing, how come fat people are always going on a diet? How come people worship skinny women but not obese women? In my opinion, Windows is like the guy that's featured in supermarket tabloids for holding the world record for obesity. Is that a good thing? I think not. I'll stick with non-bloated Linux, thank you very much."

Boston Software Party

Fake News written by James Baughn on July 4, 1999

BOSTON, MA -- Thousands of disgruntled Linux revolutionaries showed up at the Boston Harbor today to protest "taxation without representation" by the oppressive Microsoft Corporation. Thousands of pounds of Microsoft boxes, CD-ROMs, manuals, license agreements, promotional materials, and registration forms were dumped into the harbor during the First Annual Boston Software Party.

Some attendees sold hastily printed T-shirts with slogans like "July 4th, 1999: Microsoft Independence Day!" and "What do you call 10,000 pounds of Microsoft software at the bottom of the ocean? A darned good start!" Others sold fake dollar bills with a portrait of Tux Penguin and the saying, "In Linus We Trust".

One highlight (or lowlight, depending on perspective) of the event was an impromptu speech given by Eric S. Raymond in which he compared the Open Source movement with that of the American Revolution. "The Colonists had the Stamp Tax, we have a Microsoft tax on new computers pre-installed with Windows... [T]hey had the Declaration [of Independence], we have the Cathedral and the Bazaar. They had the Constitution... we have the Open Source Definition. They had Thomas Jefferson, we have, um, me!"

Raymond's speech ignited a long-running thread on Slashdot entitled, "Top Ten Differences If Thomas Jefferson Behaved Like Eric Raymond During the American Revolution". Some items from the original post include:

2. The preamble to the Constitution would say, "We the pragmatists of the Open States of America, in order to foster the production of higher quality tea and tobacco..."

5. The phrases "the right to bear arms shall not be infringed" and "Geeks With Guns" would be plastered throughout the O.S.A. Constitution.

9. Instead of Congress, the "Open States Institute" board of directors would make all of the national legislative decisions.

10. Raymond, New Hampshire would be the home of the O.S.A. capitol.

The thread immediately turned into a Raymond vs. Stallman flame fest. "If Stallman had been a Founding Father," one rebuttal post argued, "we'd be living in the GNUnited States of America. Our Constitution would be called the General Public License..." The discussion went downhill from there.

Dotheads weren't the only people to scoff at the Boston event and ESR's ego-boosting speech. One Australian ranted, "I'm getting a little sick of those Americans comparing the Open Source movement to some kind of US-centric democratic revolution. It's software for crying out loud! Eric Raymond is not Thomas Jefferson. Linus Torvalds is not George Washington. Bill Gates is not the King of England. Get a grip, people! If you want to combat an oppressive regime, move down to Australia for awhile and revolt against Net censorship!"

A history professor at a Boston university commented, "Dumping Microsoft stuff into the Atlantic might be therapeutic, but it's a waste of time." Any idiot who has studied history knows that revolutions are most effective if enemy territory is attacked. The French stormed the Bastille. We should storm Redmond!"

A controversial InfoWorld pundit wrote in his daily column, "The protest in Boston just proves my contention that the Linux community is full of Get-Back-To-Earth spirtualists bent on World Domination and Marxist dogma. Linux is doomed. Windows Y2K is the future."

Dave Finton Usurps Humorix

Fake News written by Dave Finton on July 3, 1999

Dave "Surazal" Finton has temporarily usurped control of Humorix after a bizarre power outtage struck Humorix World Headquarters earlier today. The cause of the blackout is still under investigation, but we feel confident in saying that Microsoft is probably involved somehow. To fill the void until power and Net access can be restored, Dave has assumed control of the site, allowing him to publish anything he wants...

Linux Accidentally Beats NT in Mindcraft Benchmark Rerun

Marketing droids and sensation-happy reporters were shocked to learn that in the latest Mindcraft tests Linux accidentally beat NT on every benchmark. The cause, however, was not so surprising.

"We were wondering 'What the hell is going on!?'" said one Mindcraft employee. "We did a little investigating and found out that the so-called Linux experts replaced our enterprise-level machines with sub-standard Pentium Pros with only ONE network card!!! How could ANYONE use such a configuration for something as CPU intensive as serving web pages?"

Indeed, not only were the servers secretly replaced before the tests, but they were also loaded with "database" software, which reportedly allows businesses to put their data in something more manageable than ASCII text files. In addition to this, the webservers also served out what is known as "CGI", an obscure coding method that allows programmers and nonprogrammers alike to dynamicly change the content of web pages without having to resort to editing HTML by hand. When asked about these added features and their impact on web serving, the Mindcraft people looked at us blankly.

"I mean, come on! Enterprise-level webserving means hundreds of static HTML pages per second out of the best technology money can buy. And buy. And keep buying. I mean, who really uses CGI or databases for today's applications? Some Linux schmuck in his parent's basement? Big business demands big operating systems, and lots and lots of 4K text files."

Future Mindcraft projects include setting up a 20 NT server farm designed to act as a ping server, and developing a method for users to compose and send their email messages "quickly and easily", using only a 256-processor machine. "NT is designed to handle these important tasks on today's hardware. Heck, can Linux even display its desktop on 9 computer screens concurrently? How can anybody take that operating system seriosly when all-important features like these are lacking?"

"The next thing you know," said the Mindcraft expert, "They'll be talking about things like redundant data storage and web-driven applications. Puh-lease."

Dave Finton Thinks About Getting Around to That Yodix Article

Dave Finton, who reported on the Yodix OS in May, is reportedly "thinking" about getting around to compiling the 3 or 4 remaining submissions and emailing the damn thing out, "just to get it over with."

"I mean, it's not a matter of being too busy, or being away on some vacation. I just can't get up the ambition to just include it in an email to Humorix," said Dave. "I'm pretty sure I'll get around to it. Eventually."

Dave's laziness not only applies to the Yodix article, but other areas of his life as well. "You know, I got that homework assignment due tomorrow, and here I am, typing away at some humor article. I mean, the homework's not all that hard. I'm just putting it off. Because, well you know. I'm just lazy."

Other procrastinated projects include doing his laundry, his web page, and "asking that one girl out". Dave reportedly hasn't gotten laid in years. "I mean, I still got 3 t-shirts and 5 pairs of boxers left in the 'clean' pile. My clean clothes are in that pile because I haven't gotten around to folding them yet. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow."

While interviewing Dave for this article, many people passing by gave him very strange looks, probably because he was talking to himself and taking notes on the back of his hand.

Mozilla Plans for 1.0 Release; Space-Time Continuum Collapses

Devolopers today at Netscape were abuzz with the possibility of a 1.0 release of their browser, when all of the sudden the Universe collapsed into a massive singularity.

"I mean we were so close! 1.0 was around the corner, outside developers started to join the project, and Marc Andreesen vowed to quit eating pizza forever!" said one mozilla.org programmer. "But alas, it was too much for the Universe as we know it to handle. I mean, Marc without pizza is sorta like, you know, quarks without gluons. And the impending Mozilla release? I think that was the last straw."

Scientists, while perplexed, were unable to do much about the situation, since everyone (and all the matter in the universe) was squished into a lump the size of a pea.

Microsoft, still licking its wounds from the infinite number of monkeys incident, was quick to point out Mozilla's flaws. "See? We're not planning for the release of our flagship product for at least 2 or 3 more eons. The denizens of some impossible-to-imagine reality will thank us for our innovative spirit!"

Mozilla developers were optimistic, however. "We're going to release our product before the next Big Bang, so that we can seed the market for our next-generation browser. Once intelligent life evolves after a dozen or so billion years of Universal expansion, they'll be quick to use our readily available technology."

Slashdot Effect Vaporizes Ganymede

In one of the more bizarre consequences of the infamous "Slashdot Effect", Ganymede, the largest moon in our solar system, was completely and utterly destroyed when CmdrTaco posted an article about the Hubble Space Telescope's latest round of images and discoveries.

"It all started when we put up some more info on our web page about Jupiter and Ganymede," said one NASA guy whom we believe may be in charge of something. "CmdrTaco got wind of it, and posted it on his site."

According to observers, the webserver promptly exploded thereafter, damaging the nearby remote control system used to aim and focus the Hubble's cameras from the ground.

"All of the sudden our controls went wacky!" said one engineer. "The Hubble then started shooting these death rays all over the universe. One of those rays hit Ganymede, and *POOF*. There it went! We were all like, 'COOOOOL! Let's aim it something else!'"

In addition to Ganymede simply ceasing to exist, other celestial fatalities included a star belonging to a nearby alien culture. According to government officials, the response they got "didn't sound too friendly". "We got some kind of warning to leave the premises immediately, as this planet was declared uninhabitable," said President Hillary Clinton. "We tried to tell them that it was perfectly habitable, and we were happy where we were. All we got in response was this vaguely disquieting chuckle. Personally, I think there's nothing to worry about. This whole thing smells like bu-"